I Thought It Would Break My Heart

 When Josh left at the end of May to spend a little over two months in Ohio I thought his time away would break my heart. I thought that not seeing him, or experiencing every day life with him, or creating memories with him would tear my insides to shreds. After all, he has been a near constant presence in my life for 19 years. 

I have known my kids growing up would lead to their eventual leaving of the proverbial nest, but to know one thing and to experience it are two different things. 

I often wonder if I had chosen to have a career would be easier to let them go because I would have something else to focus on; something else to ease the heartbreak. 

The truth is I will never know that answer because I chose not to pursue an occupation outside of my home. My kids are my life's work. I will never regret that decision as hard as it may be when they take flight and build their own lives. 

A surprising thing happened this summer; I had a revelation of sorts. My heart didn't break this summer despite my fears. In fact, knowing how happy Josh has been this summer and knowing that he is living his best life with people he loves and is creating experiences has made my heart feel incredibly full and happy for him. 

I love how much fun he is having. I love to hear his stories and I love that he still reaches out to share his frustrations. I would be lying if I didn't say there were days when I miss him intensely. When the five of us are out creating memories on a new adventure here in Charlotte Josh's absence is felt tremendously, but I also know that part of growing my children is learning to let them go. 

I wish for all of my children that they find a place to live where they are loved and love tremendously. I wish for them all to experience the happiness and growth that Josh has experienced this summer - even if that means living hundreds of miles away from me. 

The happiness that Josh is experiencing this summer is making me realize that if all of my children leave my home with similar enthusiasm and love for their lives that my heart won't break. In fact, it will be just fine.