Cataract Falls State Park (#6 of 25)

Good old Smoky the bear

It has been a while since I have stood among a grove of pine trees such as this. We could all smell the scent of the pine needles. The smell was intoxicating. 

My crew (minus Josh who had to work)

This tree was actually pretty big considering we are in the Midwest. It came out of nowhere too. 

Meh. That is how I would rate this state park. I think we all would have liked it better and appreciated it more had we never lived out west, but we have been immensely spoiled when it comes to nature, so it takes a lot to wow us. It didn't help that it was really hot and really humid. It had just rained a bit the day before so the bugs were out in full force as well. This created some muddy, slippery downhill trails which caused our already cranky girls to become even more so. Seeing the covered bridge was cool, I will admit that. Bob, Andy, and I also really loved walking through the pine tree grove. I know it brought back memories of the Pacific Northwest to us all. The smell of the pine needles was amazing. 

We hiked about two miles. I could have gone on for longer, but our girls were so cranky that getting them home was more important that dragging them down another trail for another walk in the woods. I definitely don't think we will be revisiting this state park ever again. Hopefully, there will be less 'meh' state parks in our future and more 'holy cow this is amazing' parks. But we do live in Indiana, so I am not sure I can really expect much more awesomeness than we have already experienced at McCormicks and Turkey Run State Parks. Like I have said in previous posts, I do find the woods here comforting, so that is a bonus. I am not sure where we will be living in the next year, so I am trying to appreciate all of the good things the Midwest has to offer even if they are spectacular, take your breath away things. Sometimes, the comfort of the simple woods is just as important as being wowed. 

Shades State Park (#5 out of 25)

This past weekend Bob and I went to Shades States Park. If I am being completely honest, it was one of the worst state parks I have ever been to. Its trails weren't very well kept up (at least the ones we were on); they were narrow and over grown which made them hard to locate. A couple of times I got nervous because I thought we had lost the trail.  It was easy to get stuck either going up or down stairs with people coming in the opposite direction because there were no places to pull over to let others pass.(Thankfully, this only happened a couple of times and I was able to turn my face and body away from the passing hikers. There definitely wasn't 6 feet of room between us which I wasn't a big fan of.)

We did bring Max with us which meant we were limited on the trails we could go on. I guess the two most popular hikes were those that had ladders going up and down on them, which of course we could not do with a dog. We were so unimpressed with what we did see that we aren't sure we are willing to make the 75 minute trip back there again to check out those trails. 

Despite all of this, it was nice to get out. I found the drive (and so did Bob) more enjoyable than the actual park itself. There is something special about driving through Midwest farmland. I always think about the farmer who owns each parcel and wonder what her day to day life is like. I wonder if she grows corn, wheat, and soy, or if she diversifies. I wonder if he treats his animals well. I wonder if she has always wanted to be a farmer or if farming runs in his family and it was just a given that that is what he would become. I wonder if the farmer rents her land from a huge corporation. I wonder what he thinks people like myself have no concept of what it means to grow food. 

I also think about how different America is. The farmer living in the middle of nowhere and the city slicker, what do they have in common? What can unite them? When I look out on that Midwest farmland I understand why we have such differences in our country - such different belief systems and wants/needs for the future of our country.  

Brown County State Park

There are 25 state parks and 1 national park in the state of Indiana. My hope is that before we get shipped out again that we can visit them all. So far, we have visited 5 of them: Brown County State Park, McCormick's Creek State Park, Shades State Park, Turkey Run State Park, and White River State Park). Turkey Run has been our absolute favorite park so far. It is the park in which we measure all others to.

 I hope to be able to take a trip each weekend we have nothing planned, so that we can accomplish our goal. 

A few weekends ago we visited Brown County State Park. It was a very user friendly park with both paved trails and off terrain trails. It was a pretty quiet park with not a ton of visitors, at least not on the trail we took. Brown County State Park is the largest park in the state of Indiana. I am sure that we will go back again and try out a different trail should we be here long enough to do so. (There is no word on us moving yet, but there is a lot of movement happening with Bob's employer. We have been given tidbits of information to make us think that a move may not be too far off for us.)

Andy joined us on this hike and we had a great time together. I am always glad when our kids join us on these excursions. I find that even Josh (if the park is cool enough) enjoys himself. We almost always make coming with us a choice though, and more often than not at least one of the kids stays behind to sleep in or chill out at home. 

There is something so comforting to me about Midwest forests. I cannot put my finger on it exactly; maybe it's the comfort of the familiar, after all I have spent most of my life living in the Midwest. I know this may sound weird, but I usually feel so welcome in the woods of the Midwest. The sounds and sights are usually the same and I find myself relaxing amidst the peacefulness that surrounds me. 

My dad often walks with his hands behind his back. Looks like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree because Andy does it too. 

You don't see too many big trees in this part of the country - at least not compared with places like Redwood National Forest or other Pacific Northwest woods, so it is always cool when a big tree catches my eye. 

See? This is so comforting to me. It's like being hugged by the trees as you walk on the trail. I love it. 

A cool little pond full of frogs and tadpoles that just showed up out of nowhere on this trail. 

Taking a rest. 

Exploring a rock overhang. 

I love how the sunlight made it through the trees to create a laser beam of light in a darkened forest. 

I think about two things when I see this tree: 1.) I think of the book The Wind in the Willows and wonder who lives in this tree. 2.) I think of the book The Giving Tree. 

When Rage and Sorrow Return

She will always be daddy's girl. From the moment she was born these two have had a special connection. 

She wakes up angry. She lashes out at Elizabeth and me; she is personal in her attacks. I know something is wrong, but I cannot figure out what it is or why she is acting this way. 

It isn't until later on in the day that it dawns on me. I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier. Her disease is acting up. It is the only explanation for her cruelty today. Something is happening in her body that is scaring her, and her only way to express that without saying it directly is to attack Elizabeth and me. After all, we are closest to her. 

I let her be for a little while longer. In the late afternoon I ask her what is wrong. Using different words, I ask her if her body is betraying her. Again. She tells me that her legs are feeling weak. Just like the last time she relapsed. 

The leg weakness lasts about 24 hours. She wakes up the next morning, and when asked, says that she is feeling better. 

I don't ask how she is doing over the course of the days that follow the leg weakness. I don't want to keep bringing the issue up. I want to let her move on from that scary sensation of not knowing if her legs are going to support her taking the next step, or walking down the staircase. I look for signs in her behavior instead. Really, I want to ask her 500 times a day how she is feeling, but she would only hate this. It would make her more hesitant to share when her body is acting up. She doesn't want to be babied. 

 I know that her ability to walk is something that this disease could take away from her. I am so afraid that this is the next piece of her body that this disease is going to take away use of. I don't want her to end up using a cane permanently or in a wheelchair, but each time her legs give out on her and become weak I cannot help but think that we are one step closer to that fate. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even next year, but some time sooner than I ever would have wanted for my child. I want her to walk down the aisle, should she choose to get married. I want her to be able to care for the animals in her sanctuary and ride her horses. I want her to be able to run after the tribe of children she someday hopes to have. I don't want her to be in a wheelchair. This disease has taken enough already. 

 I know that when we get to that bridge we will cross it, just like we did when she lost her vision, but   sometimes I just cannot see my way through this possibility. I cannot muster up the 'We can do it' mentality. All I can think about is that when that day comes I won't know what I can do to make it better. The wall of despair will seem insurmountable. 

 I find myself dealing with my own emotions, and I know that I cannot handle hers as well right now. I need to pull myself together to be the best mom I can be to her. I cannot do that in the state of mind that I am currently in. 

I find myself vacillating between eyes filling up with tears of sorrow and rage. Oh, my old friend rage.  That old volcano of fury has been lying dormant for a while. I have been holding hands with rage for the last 7 years. It has been so long that it doesn't even hurt any more when the lava of anger bursts through the scab my body has been trying to protect since the last time it erupted in my heart. 

I no longer try to suppress my rage at the injustice of my daughter living with a beast inside of her. I have learned to let it erupt. To feel its heat and to let it burn within me. I go about my days and no one knows the heat that seethes inside of me. No one knows that I prepare for battle to fight this bastard of a disease to protect and save my daughter. As the lava flows and the fury seethes, I plan create my battle plan and I prep myself for war. I try to build armor so that it can not only protect myself, but protect my daughter too. 

Being with her three siblings is one of Sarah's favorite things to do.

Except that deep down I know...

I know that no matter how many times I go to war with this beast, that it will always win. I am powerless to stop what happens inside my daughter's body. 

There is no word to describe this kind of sorrow. I feel a primal need to let out a guttural moan of anguish, but the sound would be so ugly that I dare not do it in the company of myself or others. I am afraid to let it out. 

In the beginning of our walk with this illness I read a lot. I wanted to know how to defeat this monster, and so reading was how I prepped for battle. I think one of the things that stood out the most, the thing that has haunted me for these last 7 years, is that while her young body could adapt to having a disease as she grew from a child to an adult better than an adult that was newly meeting her beast, the cumulative affect of having this disease show up so young was a major disadvantage.  

This is why sorrow and anger grip hold of me when her disease actively shows itself - I don't want it to take away any more from her than it already has; Yet, I am powerless to stop it. 

I am a Mother. I am supposed to be able to explain the world to my children. I am supposed to be able to fix boo-boos and mend broken bodies. Except in this instance, I cannot. The only thing I can do is to collect the pieces of my broken heart and try to mend it over and over, so that I can better collect my daughter's broken heart and teach her how to piece together what should have never broken in this way to begin with. 

 

She is so good with animals. She will make a great sanctuary owner some day. 

3 Adjectives and Something to Work On

Being a good mother to each of my children is of utmost importance to me. I am constantly looking for ways to improve my mothering with each of my children. I am constantly trying to evolve as a mother too, for I know that my children are evolving as well. What they needed from me last year is not the same thing they might need right now, and it won't be what they need from me next year. 

I believe that my relationship with my children is a two way street and if I am willing to offer them constructive criticism about their end of our relationship, they should also be allowed to offer me the same. So each year (sometimes twice a year depending on what their responses were in the previous questionnaire) I ask them to list three words that they would use to describe me and one way that I can work to improve my relationship with them. By asking them to use three adjectives to describe me, I can get a glimpse of how they view me. One year, three of them described me as being stressed out. (That was a year we did the survey twice because I thought I was hiding my stress well. I guess not.) They are encouraged to be absolutely honest with me, and they are never scolded for sharing negative feedback. (They are also more than welcome to share their hearts constructively with me at any time they see fit, this is just one way that I pause with all of them at one time and ask for their feedback.) 

The responses I receive often surprise me. Sometimes, I think that one child will use this word or that as one of his descriptive words and her response will not even be close. A lot of times the words the kids use to describe me are positive. It is good to know what light my kids see me in as I am their biggest influencer. I want to make sure that they are receiving the right messages from me. 

At our family meeting today, I gave all four kids a note card and marker (Sarah opted to try and write her answers out verse brailling them) and gave them until the end of the day to fill them out. My boys take time with this activity especially as they get older. For one of my sons, this is the only affirmation/criticism I will get all year as he keeps his emotions/feelings close to his heart - especially when it comes to relationships. My girls are a bit more open and quick with their feelings. Elizabeth filled out her card in about 30 seconds and handed it to me. 

I take to heart what each of them say. I realize that while the rules of our family are the same for all, application of those rules is different for each of them.A lot of times, the adjectives they choose to use to describe me is an indicator of how strong our relationship is at the moment.

 I strongly believe that I need to meet the needs of my kids in four different ways. The way I mother one of my children is not at all the way I mother the other three. I hope that this approach will create strong ties between my sons and daughters. As my children have gotten older and I have gotten to know their friends I see just how broken so many of them are because their relationships with their parents are fractured. I don't ever want this to happen between me and my four children. Ever. 

I hope that by asking them to describe me as they see me and to tell me one thing I can work on in our individual relationships that I can keep our bonds close and keep strengthening them as the years go by.  

They are my greatest blessing, and I want to make sure that I put in the hard work necessary to be the best mother I can be to them. This is one way to do that. 

Would It Be Helpful?

I always mean to write more. I really do. I will think of something that I would like to share with you, but then the day gets ahead of me and then another one until a week has gone by, and then a month. 

Sarah has begun to read my blog. I don't know how often she reads it or for how long she has been doing so. I just know that she started with my most recent posts and then decided that she wanted to start at the beginning of this journey, so she began with my very first post from 8 years ago. I have always wondered what my children would think of what I had to say in this space. Would they resent what I had to say? Would they be angry that I shared a lot of their childhood with you? What would they think about what I wrote? Would they agree with my perspective? 

Out of all four of my kids, Sarah and Josh can be my biggest critics. I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing as much as it may sting while I am being critiqued. I want my kids to hold me to the highest standard possible. Mothering is too important to half-ass and if my kids need something from me as individuals that they are not getting from me, I want them to come to me and tell me what they think is not working. It is one of the only ways I can get better as a mother. 

The point of all of this is that I was worried about what Sarah might say. Sarah can be very cutting from time to time. She knows my weak spots and has (very occasionally) exploited those spots and made me feel very inadequate as a mother and an example of a good role model. This is not to say that she hasn't been right in what she has said, sometimes the truth hurts. (On a side note - I won't allow my children to disrespect me. They can critique me, but it has to be done in a respectful way; I have made it a priority all their lives to respect them as human beings. I have never wanted to them to feel that because they were children/teenagers/young adults that they were somehow didn't deserve the same rights as myself. Age has no bearing to me on whether or not someone deserves my respect. I demand that my kids do the same for me. So, while I am open hearing them out critiquing my mothering I am NOT open to them disrespecting it.) I have been pleasantly surprised by the positive feedback I have received from her. I think she enjoys reading my perspective on our life. I also think that reading these posts has allowed her to see a side of me she doesn't normally get to see. A lot of times I feel the freedom to be my truest self in this space. I usually write from a very raw and vulnerable place - a place that I don't often show people in person. I live my life very guarded (for better or worse) and, I suppose, being able to see this side of me is pretty cool for her. I think it gives her a different understanding of me. I hope it helps her to see me as more than just her mother, but rather as a whole person with roles other than the primary one I take with my children. 

Her reading my blog has got me to thinking about how much more I wrote when the kids were little. I think a lot of bloggers are in the same boat as me. They write quite a bit while they are building and growing their families and when their families are young, but they tend to taper off as their troop gets into the teenage years. Unless you have a family with a lot of children that span from baby to young adult, you just don't find a lot out there about the teenage/young adult years. I find this to be especially true in families like mine where everyone of the children are teenagers or young adults.

 I think this lack of blog space dedicated to parenting during those later years is a shame. I think that parents need the support just as much now as they did back when their children were little and were looking for validation and fun ideas and how other families work. I know I do. I used to love reading a handful of blogs because they would give me hope and encouragement. I loved peeking into another mom's life and seeing how she ran things, or what things she prioritized. Like so many others, with exception of one blog, all of those moms have stopped blogging altogether. It is nearly impossible to find anything now and I miss having those blogs to use as resources. 

This line of thought then lead me to wonder if maybe I should really share with others what has worked for me as a mom and what hasn't. What things would I have done differently if I had to start over again? What things would I keep the same? I don't know. Do I have enough knowledge that would be helpful to another mother? Would anyone find what I have to say beneficial? I guess at this point, I am not sure. I want to think it over some more before I make any decisions. I feel that if I do this, I will need to go all in and dedicate a much larger portion of my life to writing. I am not sure that I have the time to do so, but on the other hand maybe I should make the time? I have some stuff to think about...