My Parenting Creed

 

 

 

 

 

Your children are not your children.

 

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

 

They come through you but not from you,

 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

 

For they have their own thoughts.

 

You may house their bodies, but not their souls,

 

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

 

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

 

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

 

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

 

 

The Prophet

Kahlil Gibran

 

 

 

 

 



Two Paths Converge

While laying in bed last night I started to think that maybe I have gotten away from the purpose of my blog which was to write about my journey as a mother. My blog seems to have taken a more personal turn and I have focused specifically on myself a bit more than I normally do. I started to think that maybe I need to return to the original intent of my blog and just start writing about the kids again.

These thoughts led to other thoughts which then let to other thoughts. (See, this is how crazy I can be sometimes!) After pondering different things in my head for longer than I would like to admit I came to this conclusion:

I cannot share my journey as a mother without sharing my journey as an individual. Both of these things are bound together, and I cannot have one journey without the other. Only when I grow as an individual can I grow as a mother. In turn, being a mother makes me grow as an individual.

In looking at how both of these paths are interconnected I started looking at what I ask of my kids.  I have asked them to be polite and respectful. I have warned them that a reputation once tarnished cannot easily be restored. I have asked them to display good sportsmanship when they win and lose. I have asked them to watch the tone in which they speak and the words they choose to use when they are angry. I have asked them to be patient and honest. I have asked them to not gossip about others. And all the while that I have asked them to do these things I have picked and chosen which of them I wanted to follow. How can I ask my children to behave one way when I behave another way?

So, I have decided to live the standards that I ask of my kids. In doing so each journey, both my individual journey as a human being and my journey as a mother,  will converge into one for the time being. I know that some of you may be thinking - "Don't you already live within those standards?" In short - NO. I do not live within the standards I uphold for my kids. I say things I shouldn't say in a tone I should not say them in. I gossip. I am disrespectful sometimes. I am not always honest. I am definitely not always patient.

What this all means is that sometimes my blog will be about specific mothering triumphs, struggles, stories, or problems. But sometimes, I am going to post stuff just about me because being a better me means I can be a better motherand THAT is what this blog is about.

With Gratitude

I recently decided to share my blog with some very select friends and a few family members because, quite frankly, I got tired of writing on a public forum to just myself. I figured if I wanted to continue to write solely to myself I could just go out and buy another diary. Right?

I think that the point of having a blog is to be able to expose yourself to others both known and unknown, and to hope that you find a common ground with those people. That being said - almost every person that I know only shares a part of themselves with others. As Billy Joel is apt to say, "We all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone". By me creating this blog - I am showing that hidden face to the world.  Even more scary to me is that I am showing that face to people who think they know me, but really, only know a part of me.

There are  some things that I worry about with this blog. I worry that someone else in my community might take offense to what I have to say. Or, even worse, I worry that someone will show pieces of my blog to their children who will in turn tease my kids about a blog whose content they have no clue about. I worry that my family will freak out and have negative things to say about me potentially adding to my family.

But then, as it always does when my heart and soul align, my brain stops worrying (if only for a second) about all of those things. I am writing this blog for me and for that one person who is able to identify with something I have to say. I have taken away so much from the blogs that I follow. I hope that I am able to pay it forward, and provide some sort of hope or confirmation that the choices a reader has made - I have made too. Often times, we feel so alone. That feeling is so unnecessary because there are so many of us struggling with the same issues.

I have much gratitude in my heart for my husband who supports this blog even though there are things he probably wishes I wouldn't share with the world. I have gratitude in my heart for the friend who immediately sent me a text of support in regards to my blog after I sent out the initial Facebook message letting people know it exists. I have gratitude in my heart for the friend who I visited today who told me that she learned a lot about me through my blog. I have gratitude in my heart for the family member who sent me such an encouraging email yesterday.

A Life Lesson For Me

Alright, I didn't think I was going to tackle this topic today, but I just cannot seem to get it out of the forefront of my mind therefore I am just going to address it.

I am not a patient person. That is a fact to anyone who really knows me. I think I am patient (enough - most of the time) with my kids, but with everything else in life I am not. I am the type of person that rushes through something to be able to get done with that project/task/part of life only to look back and think, "I really wish I would have appreciated that more".  A lot of the time I am just going through the motions of that day/month/year just to get through it - like there is some trophy at the end of those times that I am going to win if I complete it the fastest. My mind is ALWAYS spinning/planning/preparing, and I hardly ever just stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. I have really tried to change that this year, and a lot of days I feel that I am failing miserably with that project, but every so often I will notice that I am actually in the moment and taking it all in just as it is. If you are like me then you will know that THOSE moments are what living is for. THOSE moments are what tell me life is good. THOSE moments are when my body and soul are quiet taking it all in. THOSE moments are what keep me floating when I am on autopilot.  When I haven't had one of those moments in a while I miss the breathtaking joy of them so much that it causes me to take stock of where I am currently at to stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. You know what? When I do that EVERY TIME I have one of THOSE moments of pure authentic, in the moment bliss.

I went out to dinner with a dear, wonderful friend for my birthday, and something changed in me that night. I could feel that this year was going to be an amazing year of growth for me. I am not a very churchy church religious type of person, but I can definitely say that I felt something deep within myself stir after that dinner - it was definitely one of the more spiritual feelings I have felt in my life. I could deep within that that dinner was a catalyst for unknown things yet to come in the future.The crazy thing is that it wasn't what was spoken at the dinner (although the conversation was just what I needed) - it was the aura that I was left with that I had just experienced something authentic. I know this paragraph sounds like I belong in a loony bin.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that after that night I knew that I wanted to experience more authentic moments like that evening. To be able to do that though, I would have to go on a journey within myself, and find out the things about me that were truly authentic, and get rid of the things that I carried within myself that were not really mine, but some version of myself that I thought other people wanted me to be.

This has required patience that I am constantly in search of because it normally evades me. I find myself getting so mad and frustrated because I do not have all of the answers that I am looking for RIGHT NOW. This is not something that I can race to the finish point on, and it is killing me. I find myself constantly at battle on the journey of self discovery - the child in me constantly asking, "Are we there yet?", while my authentic self quietly and calmly whispers, "Not yet, dear. Be patient." I am the type of person who likes control because when I control things they go how I want them to, when I want them to, with the results I want. This journey is not like that at all, and a part of me really hates it. The funny thing is that I know that hating it is part of this journey. I will be on this personal mission to full authenticity until I learn to accept the hate I feel for being here in the first place, to embrace it, and then to let it go. Only then can I move forward.  Still I constantly struggle -  I want to control this journey so that I can complete it and put a check mark by it, and yell, "Next".

There are so many uncertain things in my life that I want answers to NOW, not tomorrow, not in a month or three months, but NOW. Things like - are we going to end up moving to Chicago for Bob's job? Are we going to have the tubal reversal surgery? If we do have the surgery, will we be able to conceive? If we are moving to Chicago - when? Besides the tubal reversal surgery (which I only have half of the say) all of those other answers are out of my control. I need to just be PATIENT and wait for those questions to be answered in their own time. I know that relinquishing control is a HUGE lesson that the universe is trying to teach me because it touches so many aspects of my life right now. It almost as if life is coming at me from all angles to push me to my breaking point so that I will finally scream out, "Okay, I get it. It is out of my hands. I will patiently wait for the answers as they come." Well, life obviously doesn't know this sister - because I am a fighter (both to my advantage and my detriment) and I am not ready to give up anything to anyone.

Maybe the ironic thing about all of this is that I don't really have control to begin with. Control is just an illusion. (Eww, that sentence just poured out of me without me even thinking about it. I don't know if I like that sentence...)

On the flip side in spite of myself I have grown in many ways. Ways that I am truly proud of. I have become a vegan - which  has had a tremendous affect on my life both emotionally and physically. (The rest of my family are still meat eaters. Like religion and politics I believe in allowing my children to make their own choices. I live my life the way that I deem fit for me, and if they ask me my opinion about certain things - for example religion - I will share my views, but I will ultimately allow my children to make up their minds on how they feel about such sacred issues. I hope that by my example my children will find their own truth in how I choose to live my life and embed those thoughts into their lives,but ultimately the decision is theirs. If they choose something different - so be it - that is their right as human beings.) Because of this change in lifestyle it has forced me to become more aware of the choices that I make in all aspects of my life from the food I eat to the clothes I wear to the companies that I support with my dollars. It has forced me to stoping living on AUTOPILOT (in that area of my life anyway) and use my brain and make choices that are authentic to me. Physically, I have lost 21 lbs to date because of my choice to eat vegan foods and exercise.

Another change, is obviously, the no media change. My family has actual bonding time - every night. From making home made play dough, to baking cookies, playing board games, or house hide-in-seek - you name it we are doing it. The television and video games were a huge time sucker. We aren't even aware of how much time we, as a society, are wasting when we sit at the computer browsing the Internet, playing video games, watching TV. It is AMAZING. I never knew just how much time I had in my day until I gave those things up. I don't watch TV during the day anymore because if I am asking my kids to make changes in their lives then you better bet I will be making them too. I need to live my life by example. I cannot expect my kids to live up to certain standards if I am not willing to. 24 hours in a day now takes on a whole new meaning now that we do not use electronic media 6 days of the week. ( If my kids to go to a friends house I do realize that they will sometimes be playing video games. These rules apply to my house only. Also, I did work out an agreement with the kids that they can have 2 hours on the weekend to play their games. Although I would love if we could throw the TV out the window I do think that in order to prevent my kids from becoming video game addicts as adults because they didn't play as kids a negotiation was in order).

Another change is that I am consistently trying hard to stay connected with the kids.(I have been trying to do this on and off for years, but sporadically. My priorities would sometimes get skewed, and I would forget that THEY are the most important love and investment in my life.) Everyday, I try to make sure that I am in tune with them, so that each child feels  that I "get" him/her.I think that being connected to my kids is one of the best investments I can make to prevent future problems as they grow up. I am definitely not perfect in this area, and there are days when I truly stink at doing this. Nonetheless I still make the effort.

I am a long way from where I need to be, but this journey I am on has been incredible. It has been incredibly joyous, incredibly frustrating, incredibly good. Some people go through life, and never have this kind of a soul searching journey. I know that I have my work cut out for me, and that learning to be patient, and living life as it comes (instead of planning it all out) will be hard. I know that to stop all of the constant busyness in my head will be even harder. I also know that learning to just live in the moment will be the hardest lesson of all.   For all of the sweat and tears it has taken out of me, I am ever so grateful that I am one of the lucky ones that get to go on this life altering path. I will come out of this so much the better for having stretched my soul, and more importantly I will be living my life as uniquely and authentically as only I can. I look forward to this journey as it unfolds.

Favorite Quotes on a Blah Day

Today is a blah day. So, instead of rambling on about several of the issues rattling around in my brain I am instead going to share with you some of my favorite 'mommy quotes'.

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but

whose place no one else can take."

-- Cardinal Mermillod

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother."

-- Lin Yutang

 

"Motherhood is like Albania-- you can't trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there."
-- Marni Jackson

 

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore Hesburgh

 

"Children are the sum of what mothers contribute to their lives."
-- Unknown

 

  "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
-- William Ross Wallace

 

"A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know that he sees it."
-- W. D. Howells

 

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

(All above quotes from: www.momscape.com)

 

I never thought that you should be rewarded for the greatest privilege of life.-Mary Roper Coker Mother of the Year 1958

 

I love being a mother...I am more aware. I feel things on a deeper level. I have a kind of understanding about my body, about being a woman.Shelley Long

 

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much.-Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

 

I looked on child-rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring it.-Rose Kennedy

 

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaries jobs in my field since the payment is pure love.-Mildred B Vermont

 

My son is my son till he gets him a wife, But my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life. -Author Unknown

 

(All above quotes obtained from: www.focused-momentum-lifecoach.com)

The No Media Campaign - Part 2

I have decided to quit Facebook for a while. We need some time apart, Facebook and I, because we are spending too much time together, and it is making me feel yucky. I do not need to spend time looking at people's pictures that I do not talk to on a regular basis nor do I really need to be paying attention to the random babbling of other people. My time is too busy. (That being said - I post some pretty random babble on the site as well, so I am a just as guilty of this as the next person.) I guess, now that I have this blog I can go on a tangent about my beliefs, struggles, and triumphs. I don't need to put it out there on Facebook where the whole thing has gotten way out of hand. Facebook is no longer, to me, a place where I can keep in touch with family members, good friends, and old friends that I have lost touch with. I feel now that I have let Facebook become a sort of popularity contest in which I am accepting 'friend' requests just because I don't want to upset anyone that I have to see on a regular basis. This is not how it should be. I want out.

So, I am going to 'go dark' on Facebook for a while. If I am trying to teach my children that technology is a good thing, but only in small doses, then I need to lead by example not by words alone. I am going to allow myself access to my blog - which won't take up too much time because it is just me, and a handful (if I am being optimistic) of people who read it. I am also going to allow myself time to read the blogs that I follow. I really get a lot of ideas and inspiration from those blogs and I need that support especially since my parenting is so much more conservative than 95% of the population in my community. It is nice to read what other women have to say and what they believe, and to know that I am not alone.

I know that giving up Facebook will be hard. That sounds so ridiculous to read! But electronic devises are addicting, and I can say that I am falling into the category of spending way too much time on the computer, and on Facebook in general.

I will keep you all posted on how it is going.

Why I Love Him...

 

 

 

 

My husband has been working in Chicago since the middle of August, and will continue to do so until the end of March. His company has been very generous and because of this he has been able to come home every weekend. His absence has been hard on our children, and it has been hard on me. You see, my husband is a phenomenal father.

 

When he first went away it was hard, but I thought I knew what I was signing up for so I made due. We changed a few of our family night time rituals to make up for his lack of being here, and have adapted. But as time has gone on his being away is really weighing me. It is hard to go from having a wonderful leader and help mate every night of the week to having one only two days a week. The responsibility of me raising our four children alone is getting heavier and heavier for me to bear - which only speaks to his greatness.

 

That being said - he knew that I was nearing a meltdown and called to let me know that on Friday he had arranged for my in-laws to take the kids for a while so that he could take me out to dinner and to peruse the local book store. Today, he let me know that if I needed to get out for a bit that I was more than welcome to. I took him up on his offer and met up for a little while with a girlfriend who is a single mother and who would be able to truly understand what I was going through.

 When I came home I found him playing a game with the kids that he made up in which each of the kids was on a two man team and they were trying to score points by getting through various obstacles in the house. THIS is why I miss this man so much. As I type this I can hear laughter from all of the kids as they cheer on "Team Awesome" and "Team Chocolate" to a victory.

He will continue to play with them for hours on end. Just being with them, laughing with them, and creating memories with them. This time with them is nothing new - he has been doing this since the day they were born. Carving special time with them sometimes one on one and sometimes with all of them together.  He knows how much I need a break, and he provides me with that. I am grateful for a night off. I miss him terribly for so many reasons, but none greater than the fact that I miss watching him be a dad to our children.

I know that at the end of the day this work assignment will pay off, and that all of our sacrifice will have been worth it. In the meantime though, his absence is felt greatly - not just by me, but by all of us. How thankful I am that I met such an incredible man at such a young age who turned out to be the BEST father in the whole wide world.