Alright, I didn't think I was going to tackle this topic today, but I just cannot seem to get it out of the forefront of my mind therefore I am just going to address it.
I am not a patient person. That is a fact to anyone who really knows me. I think I am patient (enough - most of the time) with my kids, but with everything else in life I am not. I am the type of person that rushes through something to be able to get done with that project/task/part of life only to look back and think, "I really wish I would have appreciated that more". A lot of the time I am just going through the motions of that day/month/year just to get through it - like there is some trophy at the end of those times that I am going to win if I complete it the fastest. My mind is ALWAYS spinning/planning/preparing, and I hardly ever just stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. I have really tried to change that this year, and a lot of days I feel that I am failing miserably with that project, but every so often I will notice that I am actually in the moment and taking it all in just as it is. If you are like me then you will know that THOSE moments are what living is for. THOSE moments are what tell me life is good. THOSE moments are when my body and soul are quiet taking it all in. THOSE moments are what keep me floating when I am on autopilot. When I haven't had one of those moments in a while I miss the breathtaking joy of them so much that it causes me to take stock of where I am currently at to stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. You know what? When I do that EVERY TIME I have one of THOSE moments of pure authentic, in the moment bliss.
I went out to dinner with a dear, wonderful friend for my birthday, and something changed in me that night. I could feel that this year was going to be an amazing year of growth for me. I am not a very churchy church religious type of person, but I can definitely say that I felt something deep within myself stir after that dinner - it was definitely one of the more spiritual feelings I have felt in my life. I could deep within that that dinner was a catalyst for unknown things yet to come in the future.The crazy thing is that it wasn't what was spoken at the dinner (although the conversation was just what I needed) - it was the aura that I was left with that I had just experienced something authentic. I know this paragraph sounds like I belong in a loony bin. I guess the point I am trying to make is that after that night I knew that I wanted to experience more authentic moments like that evening. To be able to do that though, I would have to go on a journey within myself, and find out the things about me that were truly authentic, and get rid of the things that I carried within myself that were not really mine, but some version of myself that I thought other people wanted me to be.
This has required patience that I am constantly in search of because it normally evades me. I find myself getting so mad and frustrated because I do not have all of the answers that I am looking for RIGHT NOW. This is not something that I can race to the finish point on, and it is killing me. I find myself constantly at battle on the journey of self discovery - the child in me constantly asking, "Are we there yet?", while my authentic self quietly and calmly whispers, "Not yet, dear. Be patient." I am the type of person who likes control because when I control things they go how I want them to, when I want them to, with the results I want. This journey is not like that at all, and a part of me really hates it. The funny thing is that I know that hating it is part of this journey. I will be on this personal mission to full authenticity until I learn to accept the hate I feel for being here in the first place, to embrace it, and then to let it go. Only then can I move forward. Still I constantly struggle - I want to control this journey so that I can complete it and put a check mark by it, and yell, "Next".
There are so many uncertain things in my life that I want answers to NOW, not tomorrow, not in a month or three months, but NOW. Things like - are we going to end up moving to Chicago for Bob's job? Are we going to have the tubal reversal surgery? If we do have the surgery, will we be able to conceive? If we are moving to Chicago - when? Besides the tubal reversal surgery (which I only have half of the say) all of those other answers are out of my control. I need to just be PATIENT and wait for those questions to be answered in their own time. I know that relinquishing control is a HUGE lesson that the universe is trying to teach me because it touches so many aspects of my life right now. It almost as if life is coming at me from all angles to push me to my breaking point so that I will finally scream out, "Okay, I get it. It is out of my hands. I will patiently wait for the answers as they come." Well, life obviously doesn't know this sister - because I am a fighter (both to my advantage and my detriment) and I am not ready to give up anything to anyone.
Maybe the ironic thing about all of this is that I don't really have control to begin with. Control is just an illusion. (Eww, that sentence just poured out of me without me even thinking about it. I don't know if I like that sentence...)
On the flip side in spite of myself I have grown in many ways. Ways that I am truly proud of. I have become a vegan - which has had a tremendous affect on my life both emotionally and physically. (The rest of my family are still meat eaters. Like religion and politics I believe in allowing my children to make their own choices. I live my life the way that I deem fit for me, and if they ask me my opinion about certain things - for example religion - I will share my views, but I will ultimately allow my children to make up their minds on how they feel about such sacred issues. I hope that by my example my children will find their own truth in how I choose to live my life and embed those thoughts into their lives,but ultimately the decision is theirs. If they choose something different - so be it - that is their right as human beings.) Because of this change in lifestyle it has forced me to become more aware of the choices that I make in all aspects of my life from the food I eat to the clothes I wear to the companies that I support with my dollars. It has forced me to stoping living on AUTOPILOT (in that area of my life anyway) and use my brain and make choices that are authentic to me. Physically, I have lost 21 lbs to date because of my choice to eat vegan foods and exercise.
Another change, is obviously, the no media change. My family has actual bonding time - every night. From making home made play dough, to baking cookies, playing board games, or house hide-in-seek - you name it we are doing it. The television and video games were a huge time sucker. We aren't even aware of how much time we, as a society, are wasting when we sit at the computer browsing the Internet, playing video games, watching TV. It is AMAZING. I never knew just how much time I had in my day until I gave those things up. I don't watch TV during the day anymore because if I am asking my kids to make changes in their lives then you better bet I will be making them too. I need to live my life by example. I cannot expect my kids to live up to certain standards if I am not willing to. 24 hours in a day now takes on a whole new meaning now that we do not use electronic media 6 days of the week. ( If my kids to go to a friends house I do realize that they will sometimes be playing video games. These rules apply to my house only. Also, I did work out an agreement with the kids that they can have 2 hours on the weekend to play their games. Although I would love if we could throw the TV out the window I do think that in order to prevent my kids from becoming video game addicts as adults because they didn't play as kids a negotiation was in order).
Another change is that I am consistently trying hard to stay connected with the kids.(I have been trying to do this on and off for years, but sporadically. My priorities would sometimes get skewed, and I would forget that THEY are the most important love and investment in my life.) Everyday, I try to make sure that I am in tune with them, so that each child feels that I "get" him/her.I think that being connected to my kids is one of the best investments I can make to prevent future problems as they grow up. I am definitely not perfect in this area, and there are days when I truly stink at doing this. Nonetheless I still make the effort.
I am a long way from where I need to be, but this journey I am on has been incredible. It has been incredibly joyous, incredibly frustrating, incredibly good. Some people go through life, and never have this kind of a soul searching journey. I know that I have my work cut out for me, and that learning to be patient, and living life as it comes (instead of planning it all out) will be hard. I know that to stop all of the constant busyness in my head will be even harder. I also know that learning to just live in the moment will be the hardest lesson of all. For all of the sweat and tears it has taken out of me, I am ever so grateful that I am one of the lucky ones that get to go on this life altering path. I will come out of this so much the better for having stretched my soul, and more importantly I will be living my life as uniquely and authentically as only I can. I look forward to this journey as it unfolds.
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