Winter Is Coming

Game of Thrones is one of my favorite TV shows to watch, so when the characters are talking about winter coming I totally get it because winter is coming to the Pacific Northwest and I am terrified.

One of my biggest complaints about living in Ohio was the dreary late fall/winter/early spring weather. Seemingly, day after day of clouds and gloominess took its toll on my psyche and I feel like I fell into a general depression each winter. I would find myself praying for winter to end so that I could once again see the blue sky and sun.

When we found out that we were moving to Las Cruces, NM I damn near cried because my first thought was of the sun. Abundant sunshine day after day. No more gloomy winters. No more seasonal depression. No more praying to see blue sky. And true to my vision Las Cruces never let me down. Day after day it provided that abundant sunshine that I so desperately needed. All year long.

When Bob and I made the conscious decision to become nomadic with our family we knew that the only way to do this was to become 'yes' men. When job opportunities became available (or in the case of the Portland opportunity when the opportunity sought us out) we were almost always going to say 'yes' to whatever came up. We felt that this would allow us to experience as many different places/people as possible. And so far, this has rung very much true. We have gotten to experience so much that at one point in our lives I would have never dreamed possible.

But the thing I am realizing now about being 'yes' people is that sometimes it is a bit harder to see the good in the decision that we have made. We moved laterally to a much more expensive part of the country which has in turn forced Bob and I to make the decision for me to return back to work part time. This in and of itself has caused great stress in my life and makes me want to hit my head against a wall while screaming, "What were we friggin thinking moving here!". Bob, the ever patient and calm partner of our duo, sees the greater picture of how moving here is going to add a piece to his resume that will make him a more attractive candidate for future positions.

On top of this is the fact that, as you all already know, this part of the country is cloudy day after day for months on end. (I am assuming that there is a sunny day here and there, but I don't really know having never lived through a Pacific Northwest winter.) I am honestly petrified of the potential depression that might ensue this winter. (I think a visit to Las Cruces is in order at some point to gain some vitamin D back.)

The cloudiness has already begun. These past two weeks have had more cloudy days than sunny. The grayness hangs over the house like a stifling blanket ever ready to suffocate one's soul. I feel the heaviness and I know that in order to get through this winter I am going to have to have a new plan of attack. I need to meet this gray beast head to head, but I don't know if I have the energy or the strength to do so.

 I am also questioning daily why we said 'yes' to this opportunity. What the hell were we thinking both climate wise and financially?! But when I stop panicking and kvetching long enough to have a moment to think I also know that this move is for a reason. I have to trust in God that we moved here for a reason. I h-a-v-e to lean on Him because if I don't I will suffocate here. When I am at the end of my life what will be the take away from this opportunity? What is the lesson? I know that life is just one lesson after another. What is this one?

Winter is definitely coming, and there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do something about is how I handle winter coming. Maybe I just need to start focusing on the good and what I am grateful for instead of focusing on the not-so-good (for me) right now. Maybe I can start with the fact that I have first world problems, not third world. That thought alone should help me get through the winter if only I don't lose sight of that.

Remember

Bob and I were sitting on our porch one evening last week and just talking about this and that. I brought up my current issue of how I don't feel like the Portland area will ever grow on me and how I couldn't figure out why. Bob brought up a good point that I think really hit the nail on the head for me.

 He told me that he thinks my problem is that there is nothing about the place in which we live that gives off a Pacific Northwest vibe. It is only after we seek a place out outside of the confines of our part of the city that we live in that we can experience the Pacific Northwest. Where we live could be  Fancy Town, Anywhere, USA. There are trees and new buildings and fancy this and fancy that. All of which could take place anywhere. The Southwest has such a distinct feel and look that no matter where you were you knew that you were in the Southwest. And I guess that is what I expected when I moved here. I expected that no matter where I lived it would feel like the Pacific Northwest. And that is just not true. Yes, I can drive 30-90 minutes away and I can most definitely be in a spot that feels like that Pacific Northwest, but I have to seek that feeling out whereas in the Southwest that feeling never left because you couldn't escape it even if you wanted to.

Often, I struggle with the fact that the pull of adventure is great within me. I wish that I could just settle down in one place and be happy and content in doing so. I wish that I could be the type of person who has the same friends her whole life and has no desire to really branch out beyond that. I wish that I didn't have the desire to seek out new things and places and people.  Sometimes I feel alone. I don't know many other people who are willing to live the nomadic life we are living and it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. It makes me question, yet again, why can't I be normal? Why can't I just do what most other people are doing? They don't leave a trail of people that they love behind everywhere they move from. They don't leave behind places they love either. I think that there is value is staying in one place.

But then I remember the unmistakable feeling of amazement upon seeing Soledad Canyon for the first time. Or sitting on a log at the top of Multnomah Falls and being captivated by the peacefulness. Or looking at the Organ Mountains every morning and night and marveling at their beauty. Or seeing the aqua color of the water at Three Pools. Or feeling the sand beneath my toes and watching the waves crash over the rocks in the Pacific Ocean. It is in those moments that I know deep down why the pull of the adventure wins every time over the wish of being okay with staying in one place.  It is these experiences that answer the question of why I cannot just settle down in one place. Because if I did that I would never, ever had experienced those amazing moments.



I need to remember my struggles with living in a wealthy part of town. I need to remember how the flashiness is so unappealing to me, so that when our family is one day on the financial level that these people appear to be that I can recall the disgust I felt at seeing people flaunt their excess and choose to use our money differently. Living in my community makes me realize how much I don't want to be in my community and therefore has motivated me to seek out new adventures on days that I would have maybe stayed home had I lived in a community that I felt more comfortable with.

Often times I think of life as a book. We are born and the story begins and we die and the story (here on earth anyway) ends. When I am reading a really good book I will sometimes rush through the pages in order to get through to the end to see what happens and then I will go back and read the book more slowly capturing all of the minute details that I missed when reading it the first time. I tend to live my life that way. I rush through each stage looking forward to see what is going to happen next, and then 'next' happens, but I am already on to what is beyond that. When you live your life that way you never really have a chance to capture and live the chapter of life you are on. Living life as an adventure has been a good practice for me in learning to live life in a way that allows me to embrace each new experience. I still struggle with wanting to rush through my life. Everyday, actually. But as I take the time to reflect on why our family has chosen the path of a nomadic lifestyle it has helped me to be able to breath here and there and to enjoy glimpses of where I am now. I still have a long way to go though before I can cure myself of anticipating what the next chapter of my life will bring.

Finally, I think that biggest thing for me to remember is that this adventure called my life is out of my hands. I am control freak and constantly struggle with the urge to control every aspect of everything all of the time. Remembering that my life is in God's hands and that God is in control helps me to relax a bit. (Even if only for a moment or two.) Living here in Portland has been hard for me for several reasons and I question whether this was the right move for our family. Being farther away from our Ohio family and friends than we were before has been a bit difficult to adjust to and also the financial aspect of us moving out here has been hard because it is so much more expensive to live than any other place we have ever been. In order to still be able to live the life that we want to live I had to go and get a part time job. Plus, the weather is turning gray here and I question whether I will be able to maintain my sanity with gray skies just about every day from now until April (or so the locals tell me). It is vital that I remember that this move here is only temporary, and that we will only be this far away from loved ones for a short while, and that I will only have to work part time while we live here. Most importantly, I need to keep my focus on God. God has a plan for my life. He is in control. He will not forsake me or leave me. He knows what he is doing. I just need to relax and remember that our life is all about the adventure and the experience. I need to remember to savor this time here despite some of the hardships I am facing because we will not be here forever. I want to make sure that we see and do as many things as we can around these parts because there is just so much to see and do.


I need to remember to breathe. I need to remember to relax. I need to remember to relinquish control. I need to remember that even though the way we live our life may not be normal or what the average family chooses to do that we are not the average family nor are we really all that normal. I need to remember that I only get one life to live. I cannot relive the story of my life to get a better feel of the details as I can a good book. I need to remember that its all about the experience, the adventure, and the perspective I choose to take regarding the life we are choosing to lead.

Mirror Lake

We took my parents to Mirror Lake while they were in town visiting. It was some place that we had not yet been ourselves and knew that we wanted to hike to the lake at some point during our stay here. The hike itself was extremely beautiful. The forest was exactly as I imagined the Pacific Northwest to look like prior moving our family here. It was peaceful and awe inspiring. I could see myself living in a pine forest such as this someday.

It was cloudy and therefore the lake itself wasn't as magnificent as I thought it would be, but that just means that we will have to take this hike again when the clouds are at bay and we can see the reflection of Mt Hood in the lake. (It actually seemed more like a pond because it was so small.)

I was really, really proud of Sarah as she climbed up the whole 1.5 mile trail to the top all by herself. The terrain was mostly uphill on the way up and it was narrow and rocky in a lot of places. Still she did it all by herself and I was so very proud. It is just one more step towards her complete independence from us.  (I was a nervous wreck as there were some steep drop offs along the trail, but I made sure that I stayed behind her so that she didn't feel like I was hovering too much but was still close enough that if she did have a fall I could catch her.)

Trips like this one are good for me as they remind me why we choose to move our family around the country rather than staying in one place. Seeing the things we have been able to see these last two years has been amazing. Although there are times when I doubt whether we are making the right decision for our children by sacrificing community and family for adventure when we travel to places like Mirror Lake my doubt washes away and I am replaced with nothing but gratitude for the life that we choose to lead.

This is just one spot where you can imagine it might be difficult for a blind person to climb this path. Both the switch back and the logs and the tree roots and rocks. Sarah did it though. One step at a time. There were other parts of the trail that were much more rocky and full of tree roots. If you ever have a chance to watch her she really is one of the most inspiring people you will ever meet. 

Andy and his crawfish....

Ecola State Park

Well, I found it. I wasn't sure I was going to find a place that I loved deeply like I love Soledad Canyon in Las Cruces, but I did. Ecola State Park combines both the deep forest feel with the typical Pacific Northwest feeling - H-U-G-E pine trees covered in moss, ferns growing in abundance on the forest floor, and twisting pathways with the rocky Pacific Ocean and its beautiful beaches. I knew the second I stepped onto the sand of Crescent Beach that I had found more evidence of heaven on earth.

Bob actually gets the credit for finding the spot. We went there on our anniversary - just the two of us - and I loved it so much that I took my parents (and the kids) there the very next day. Ecola State Park overlooks the Pacific Ocean and is a network of trails. Some of the trails stay on top of mountain we were on. Others take winding pathways down to the ocean's edge. This is where I found my Pacific Northwest heaven. The trail is 1 and 1/4 miles long. It takes you through dense forest and can be quite steep in certain points. It takes about 30 minutes to climb from the cliff to the sandy shore below, but the time and effort is 100% worth it.

The forest is quiet except for a bird here and there. The silence is so comforting though. You can tell that this forest is wise and at peace with itself. I could spend several hours under a tree just writing in my journal while the sun's rays sneak through to the forest floor a bit here and a bit there. The different shades of green accost your eyes and you end up being amazed that God created so many shades of one color and that they can be found in the dense cover of growth that the Pacific Northwest has to offer.

And the beach...I could spend days on this beach. Because the hike is a bit difficult not many people choose to make the trek down to the bottom of the trail. Crescent Beach is named so because the northern and southern borders of the beach are made up of huge rock formations that jut into the ocean. The beach itself takes on the shape of a crescent moon. There are rocks to explore on when the tide is out and piles of huge driftwood. It is so peaceful. I wish I could bring you all there with me.

Take a look at the beauty I found:

The top of the trail. 

Beginning the trail. 

A view from the middle of the trail.

A lookout spot from the trail. 

A  huge fallen tree trunk. 

A really neat tree trunk. 

There's No One I'd Rather

Tomorrow Bob and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Our 15th one to be exact.

It's funny because I can remember my parents 15th wedding anniversary and thinking about how that was a really long time to be married and here I am on the cusp of celebrating that same milestone.

Here's the thing: marriage is really, really freaking hard. And in some ways the longer you are married the harder it can get because long gone are those lovey dovey eyes you once had for your spouse. Long gone are those days when those idiosyncrasies that your spouse has, the ones that you once found cute, are still cute. Now those idiosyncrasies make you want to rip your eyeballs out. And some days you consider it a victory that your spouse is still alive. Seriously.

 No, I don't still have that new love for my husband - the one where everything he says makes me swoon and where I think the whole world revolves around us and our love - but what I have instead is something much more valuable to me.  I have the kind of love for him that comes with knowing that this will be the man that I will be with until death do us part. (Even if I have to speed up the death part because he has driven me crazy one day. Just kidding, kinda.) I have the kind of love for my husband that comes with sharing a history with someone year in and year out. I have the kind of love that comes only with time. One that is bound by commitment. For better or worse. Till death do us part. And with passing year those vows become even more sacred because we know what took to make it through that year. Some years are easier than others. That is what happens when you are in it for the long haul.

We have been through some really, really tough times. But there is no one I'd rather have gone through those tough times with. There is no one that I would rather have held me in his arms than my husband when life was at its toughest. There is no one who could have told me that everything would be okay - no one I would have believed - except for my husband.

We have had some great times together too. Just so much fun. Laughing and sharing and creating a lifetime of memories. When it is just he and I, alone in our world, life stands still. It is just us.

We are team who has built a family together. We have these four amazing children who are all unique individuals in their own right, but also a reflection of not only each of us, but of the union that we have built the foundation of our family on.

We live in our own little world sometimes, he and I, raising our family and building a life of adventure and experience, but there is no better partner in crime for me. When I think about it - we have always lived in our own little world. From the very beginning it was just he and I ready take on the world. In the beginning, there was no one I'd rather spend every minute with than him. Even today, if I had to pick just one person that I got to be with on a deserted island I would pick my husband. Hands down. Without a question or second thought.

We talk of the future with promise and hope. We talk of our children leaving home in the next 8 years and all of the things we will do together. All of the fun we will have. We became parents pretty young and didn't have much adult time in our 20's and 30's, but come 45ish the world will be ours to grab by its horns and make the most of it. Just he and I. There won't be any empty nest syndome because there won't be an empty nest. We will both still be there.  There is no one I'd rather share that adventure with. We will be traveling the country and the world. We will own a tiny house and an RV with which to visit all of our loved one. We will be driving each other crazy and I will be ready to kill him at certain points in our rendezvous, but we will be together. There's no one else I'd rather be with.

I'm not much for mushy stuff. In fact, a conversation that happened in our house tonight was me asking him if we were doing the card thing this year for our anniversary because if so I had to run out to Target tonight to grab one. His response was basically that he didn't want me to get him a card just to get him one, but that he did get me one this year. (Damn it! So, guess who is gonna have to eat crow tomorrow? This broad.)

 I hope this post is better than any card that I could have gotten for him. Thank goodness that we have been married a good bit so that he knows me well enough to not have his feelings get hurt when he has no card to open in the morning.

I don't know a lot about life yet, but I can say after 15 years married and 19 years being together I would still have picked the man I call my husband all over again. All of the hard stuff is worth it because it makes all of the good stuff that much sweeter. There is no one in this whole wide world I'd rather live my life with and create my memories with than my husband. And at the end of my life, there is no one I'd rather look back and see as the one constant who helped make my life what it was than my husband.

Happy 15th Anniversary, Bobby. Here's to 15 more. (If I don't kill you first.)

Mt Tabor Park

Downtown Portland

                     

   
We headed out  to Mt. Tabor Park which is a mountain park located in the city of Portland. It was a good time as the park roads were closed and the kids could ride their scooters and turtles on the road without having to worry about traffic. The park is pretty big each section spiraling up towards to the top of the mountain which was where we hiked up to to spend a few hours yesterday afternoon. The sun felt nice as did the ability to just sit in nature. It was nice to get out.

I made the decision a few weeks ago to go back to eating a vegan diet and so I found this  sign to be refreshing. 

Throwing the football around.

The beast dogs. 

Riding down one of the hilly roads on their turtles. (Thanks Nielsen family!)

Josh's best Zoolander impression.

 A little competition between brothers over who could do more pull ups. Josh was boasting that he was going to be the obvious winner, but in the end Andy prevailed.