Soul Sisters

Cruelty turned inward
Leave scathing and scorching burns
Where an inner dialogue about my own imperfections and failures
Becomes an internal raging battle
Where the casualty count will be high

The Prince of Darkness knows just what trigger words to use
To take a warm cozy fire meant to create a haven of rest
To my weary soul
And turn it into a raging inferno
He has been doing this for many decades now
And he knows my weak spots

The heat of the fire leaves me scorched for days
And to those outside I am cool to the touch
They have no idea of the fire that has raged inside
And the smoldering remains that exist still

I let them think what they want to about me
I have more important work to do
Than try and figure out how to explain to those who don't know
How a fire sometimes rages inside

But there are those that know how the fire burns
Because it rages inside of them too
And we become an unspoken tribe
Who distance and time cannot infiltrate

Sometimes
Before the surrender
When the fire is out of control
And about to consume me whole
I think of them
Not because they can save me
Only I can do that
But because I know that I am not alone
With the battle within
I know that they too battle
And cry out to the quiet voice within
And surrender

Each of us
Who fight the fire within
Knows intimately the battles
That rage inside
And without a word spoken between us
I can feel their energy lift me up
I can feel their love
Just as they feel mine
From thousands of miles away

And as unique and different as we are
We are all also One

Knowing that I am not alone
Even when the devil wants me to believe that I am
Sometimes is the catalyst I need
To surrender to the quiet voice of God
And allow Him to
Once again
Bring under control The Darkness within

One of My Favorites

Photo courtesy of: pinterest

Extraordinary Moments

looking through old photos of times gone by

distant memories 

things forgotten, but quickly remembered

small moments that were captured through a lens

frozen in time

these ordinary moments

of the four kids

made me want to cry out

there were pictures of times before 

the sickness came

when those sweet faces did not know 

what pain, suffering, and sacrifice looked like

and there were times after the sickness came

when those wise beyond their year's faces 

did know what pain, suffering, and sacrifice looked like

(and look like still)

and the camera still clicked away

capturing small moments of heaven on earth

seeing these pieces of our life

made me realize just how much all of those 

ordinary moments really meant

and how much they mean still

all of those moments when i didn't want to do the craft, 

or go to the park, 

or play the game, 

but did anyway - for them

all of those times that i thought were so ordinary

all of those times that i thought

would come around again and again

that surely, this particular moment couldn't mean that much? 

those moments were actually extraordinary moments. 

because those moments were the building blocks 

that created a life. 

my life. 

they are the building blocks that continue to build my life still

those photos of young children 

who I seemed to know a long ago in another dimension

are now closer to being adults than they are

to those young faces looking back at me as moments captured 

in an ordinary life

and yet in looking at those photos of the people they were

i am reminded how much they need me still

even when i think they don't

they need me and my moments just as much

if not  more now

they need me to show them with my time

that i see them

value them

hear them

and i can show them all of these things 

with my moments

just like i did in the times reflected back at me through 

the computer screen this morning

all of the days that i still think won't matter

or be remembered

and therefore can be passed on 

in order for another day to come upon me 

when i will feel like making that special meal,

or playing that game,

or sitting and talking with them, 

or creating that craft

i was sharply reminded today that i am wrong.

so wrong.

because those little moments matter so much more than 

the big ones

at the end of a life the little moments will

have amounted to so much more than those 

big moments ever did

because while those big moments were shiny

and cool and fun

they aren't what make up a whole life

only the small moments can do that

the ones that we don't think even 

matter

and so, looking back on those smiling (or sometimes not) faces

i am filled with a sense of utter gratitude

that i was able to get beyond all of the other things 

i wanted to do, or should be doing, or needed to do

and instead focused on being with them

in just that ordinary moment. 

because while i was building my life 

without even paying attention to it

i was also helping them to build theirs

and they were paying attention

because they always knew

that these ordinary moments

were actually extraordinary

**Updated** Books That Are Rocking My World Right Now

Bob, Sarah, and I took the train into the city tonight and we went to
Powell's Bookstore. I purchased a few more books which you can see at the bottom of my book list and I also added a title (milk and honey) which I had just finished reading, but forgot to include in the original post.

Books I Just Finished Reading & Highly Recommend:

Books I Have Read Recently That I Wouldn't Recommend:

Books I Am Currently Devouring:

Books I Have Purchased and Are Next On My Reading List:

If you have any good books to recommend I would LOVE to hear about it. I cannot seem to get enough of books lately. Just comment on my blog or email me! 

I love books from all different perspectives and points of view, so don't hesitate to send 

me something you think I would not like/ or isn't my style. Maybe I won't like it, but maybe

I will. I'll never know until I try it. 

What If I Don't?

Yesterday's post was a big one. 

I watched as the numbers grew and grew.

And I was frightened. 

Because something struck a cord.

And I began to panic.

What if I can never strike a cord like that again?

And the quiet voice within whispered, 

"What if you don't? What is the worst thing that will happen if you don't?

Will you die? Will the earth stop spinning? 

Will nations self destruct?"

"Silly, God." I thought to myself. 

"No. I will not die. The earth will not stop spinning.

And nations will not self destruct."

But yet I am still afraid. 

Just not as much.

Because I want to please the masses. 

I want to continue to be able to strike a cord. 

Again and again. 

But...

What if I don't?

And the quiet voice of God 

who is ever so patient with my stubborn ways quietly

reminds me that living for the masses

means sacrificing myself. 

And haven't I just gone to battle within me

to tear down all of the preconceptions, notions, and ideas 

that I have forced upon myself 

to make me more pleasing to the masses? 

Have I not just come out of that battle weary and stripped down?

Have I not removed all of the excess garbage 

that made me less than who I truly am 

in order to make me more like the masses? 

"Why," God whispers to me, "would you be afraid?

The truest gift you can give to others is the gift 

of your authentic self. 

Because by being authentic you are giving others 

the ability to be authentic themselves." 

And so I absorb the weight of these words. 

I let them sink into every pore 

and every ounce of my being. 

And I know that sometimes,

a lot of the time,

I will fail.

A lot of the time I will send not my authentic self out into the world,

but rather my representative. 

She is the likable one. 

The one who conforms.

The one who plays the proper roles required of her. 

 I am afraid. 

Because what if I send me out into the world and she is rejected?

And in my weary stillness I hear the voice of God 

fill me with wisdom. 

"Be still. 

"Some will fall away. But they were never truly your people to 

begin with. But others? 

Others will flock to you because they will see the battle scars 

and struggles you have raged within. And they

will know they have found a home in you. And you will know 

you have found a home in them."

So what if I don't? 

If don't strike a cord?

If I don't remember to listen to the voice within?

What if I write uninspired, crappy posts?

What happens then? 

Nothing happens, really.

I will keep on writing. 

I will keep on forgetting. 

I will battle within.

And surrender.

And a lesson will be learned. 

And I will forget. 

Time and time again.

Only to re-remember.

Resurfacing

Remember what's important to me. Not to anyone else, but me. This is not because I am a narcissist. It is because in order for me not to drown I need to remember. I need to remember that if I listen to the quiet voice within that I have all of the answers I will ever need. I believe that the quiet voice within is God's voice. And if I don't stray from that voice of wisdom I cannot go wrong even if it appears to others that I have. When I allow outside influences to infiltrate my being I can no longer hear the quiet voice of God because the outside noise is so loud. It is conflicting and meant to confuse me so that I will forget all that I am and all that I believe. It is during these times that I must remember the most.

The older I get the bigger the internal battles I tussle with. On the flip side the older I get the more wisdom I gain and the more peace I find in the lull of those battles. I want to live in the lull always. But I know this cannot be done. The battles I face within myself grow me. They stretch and bend me sometimes to the point I feel I will break, but like the willow tree I so love and admire, I do not break. The bending lasts so long because I fight it so much. If I just tried to look at the battle within - not as an enemy, but rather a teacher, I would not have to bend so hard or for so long. But I am stubborn. And so the battles rage within and they seem to leave me scarred and raw on the inside. Sometimes my insides feel charred. Burned beyond recognition. Anyone who knows anything about fires knows that in the wild even when it appears that all is lost and that the fire has destroyed all signs of life there is always life. Life is a stronger force than death.

And I must remember all of this while the battle is raging and the fire is burning brightly within me.  And I forget. Every time I forget until I am bent so far over that I just know I will break. At that point - just at the point of surrender - when I am worn out and battle weary - the quiet voice within whispers: remember.

And I do. And the surrendering comes easy.

I remember that I am strong and brave and kind and generous. I remember that I am also weak, cowardly, mean, and stingy. I remember that I love fiercely, but I also hate fiercely. I remember that I am so grateful for my life. And yet I am ungrateful for my life too. I am all of these things. Yin and yang. Light and Dark.

And that is okay.

The quiet voice asks me to remember to embrace all of the parts of me. The complex and the simple. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly.

And I am trying. And some days the remembering comes easier than others.

And that is okay too.

Finding the Quiet Voice Within

 I have always been a quote girl. I love reading a simple sentence or two and having it touch the deepest parts of me creating a spark that is a reminder to me of what I hold true. I have a Pinterest account and most of what I have saved on my page are quotes of all kinds each one meaning something important to me whether is a deeply profound thought or just a surface one.

I feel like the quote above is very symbolic of where I am at right now. I feel like I have been running  from myself for a long time. To stand still in the quiet is immensely painful for me right now. It has been for a while.  A part of me yearns for the routine of a comfortable life. The other part of me wants to run from it all.

I seem to struggle a lot where no struggle is necessary. I learn everything the hard way.  I exhaust myself.  I just want to shake myself and scream because I can be so difficult. My life doesn't need to be so hard. Why do I make it this way? Why do I make what should be simple so darn complex? I am tired of the back and forth between so many pieces of my life: do I believe this or that? Do I want to do this or that? I just want to be still. Can I learn to be still? Is that even a possibility for someone like me?

I deactivated my Facebook page a few days ago. I did it out of the blue because I knew that I needed to save myself and I had to begin by removing myself from electronics as quickly as possible. I have been here before - many times I am afraid to say. I have been thinking about deleting my account altogether, but I hesitate to do so because I keep in touch with a lot of people I otherwise wouldn't through Facebook. Not being connected makes me feel afraid. Like life is going to leave me in the dust. I wonder though how much of my life I will actually get back if I deleted my account? I spend so much time "just checking" Facebook that it takes away from my real life. I spend so much time looking at the glossy images of the best that other people's lives have to offer that I forget to live mine. Plus, I am really sick of the Facebook ads that pop up on my screen and the junk that has seemed to creep in over time.

The truth is I have been really struggling with "doing life". I was talking to Bob not too long ago about how the simplest tasks such as making a meal for my family, or deciding what to do on any particular day, or even just getting out of bed in the morning cripple me with anxiety. I feel like I am living with a gray veil over my head. It is making me foggy. This veil must have been creeping up on me for a long time because I didn't see it coming. I have just felt the immense weight of it in the last few months as my mental health has deteriorated drastically. I have had bouts of depression before, but I can usually work my way out of them. This time has been different and it seems the more I struggle to get out of this funk the heavier the weight of the veil feels.

I feel guilty for being in such a funk. I feel like I have no right to be depressed. I have a good life with much to be thankful for. What do I have to be depressed about? Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care about wealth, health, happiness. It doesn't just grab hold of those without a lot of goodness in their lives. It doesn't just grab the poor or the meek. It doesn't just grab the pessimists.  It can grab hold of us all.

Before I go out and seek professional help there are some things that I need to try on my own to try and get a sense of myself back. I feel like I am a stranger in my own body these days. I feel lost and tired and anxious. The littlest things overwhelm me. I would say that they almost set me off into a panic attack - that is if a panic attack is a quickening of your heart, a tightening of your chest, and the feeling of an inability to get a deep breath.

Since talking with Bob I have been really trying to think about what makes me happy. What am I doing/how am I living my life that makes me feel the most at peace? There have been days in my life that have felt just perfect. Not that they were perfect in the sense that everything went exactly as I planned, but they were perfect in that I just felt that my mind, body, and soul were living in unison with my core Truth - even if only for 1 day. I want more of those days.

I crave those days because those days are the kind of days when I feel truly alive. I am not worrying about this or that. I am not thinking about the past or the future. I am living in the moment. Those days are my heaven on earth.

I have just been so preoccupied with the noise and weight of depression that I haven't been able to hear the voice of me calling me back to myself.  I just need to listen to the quiet voice within and follow her lead. She has all of the answers I am seeking. She will bring my back to myself.