Creating His Own Path

Joshua is going through a tough time right now. I don't think I have ever been so proud of him as I am now as I watch him struggle through some growing issues. I do not like to see my children struggle with anything, but I know that struggling is a part of life - a good part of life. Struggling stretches our souls and helps us to grow into our authentic selves. Without struggle my children and I would not be able to fully appreciate the good in our lives. We would not be able to truly celebrate the highs of life without the lows that always accompany them.

Josh is beginning to become a free thinker (as my Aunt Laura so coined the term in a conversation we had the other day), and I am ever so grateful for that. BUT sometimes when you really think for yourself the way that you were living your life no longer seems to fit anymore. That can be a hard lesson to reflect on, and an even harder lesson to make changes to. This is the first time in his life when my little guy is starting to see big guys issues crop up in his life, and I know it is scary for him to address some of the dilemma's he is facing.

Because Josh is usually so quiet I am honored that he has chosen to share some of these issues with me. I know when I look into his eyes that there are many more thoughts running through his head that he is not sharing, and I hope that he is able to find some way to make peace with those issues. I have sat with him in his bedroom more nights than I can count just talking with him - letting him jump from topic to topic - and I have loved every minute of it. I hope that by investing the time now with him  I am paving the way for him to know that he can come to me when he is deep in into his teenage years, when life can be very scary, and decisions made can have a HUGE impact on his future life.

I sometimes think that he is looking for me to give him the answers to his problems because that is the easiest thing to do at this juncture in his life. I sometimes wonder if I am disappointing him because I do not have any answers for him. I only have the answers for my Truth - he needs to look inside himself to seek out the answers and find his Truth.

I want my children to learn to think for themselves, and in order to be able to do that I must help show them how to pave that path early on. For some of us (myself included), learning to think for oneself, and to be comfortable in ones own skin is a LONG journey filled with many twists, turns, and bumps. For others, such as Andy and Elizabeth,  they have been comfortable in their own skin since the day they were born.

(Photo by Dave Bartruff @allposters.com)

 

It is hard to be a free thinker.To create your own path in this life. To go against the grain when everyone else is doing something else. I have worried about Josh more than any of my other children when it came to following the crowd, and not listening to his own inner Truth. I am proud of him for trying to find that Truth. I am proud of him for putting himself out there  - for daring to be different - for beginning to truly think for himself regardless of what anyone else thinks.

It is times like these as I watch my children grow that I am overwhelmed by the amount of trust the Universe has placed in me to do right by my children. I am honored and taken aback that there is something in me, that I all too often cannot see, that the Universe sees that believes that I am just the right person to guide these four souls through the beginning leg of their journeys.

I have so very much to be thankful for.

Believing in the Magic of Christmas

"Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

                    -The Polar Express

 

Josh has been struggling for the last several years with whether or not Santa Claus is "real". He doesn't want to be "bamboozled" (as the hobo from the Polar Express would say), but yet in his heart he still wants to believe in the magic of Christmas. This struggle has always weighed heavily on me because it perfectly defines Josh. He wants to believe that there is magic in this world, but he is by nature such a logical person that when the "facts" don't add up he starts to discredit the unseen.

When Josh first started questioning the magic of Santa Claus I had just watched the Polar Express for the first time. I LOVE this movie because I think that it spoke volumes to me about how I truly feel about Christmas. I STILL believe in the magic Santa Claus. I have seen glimpses of him in my children's eyes as they open gifts on Christmas morning. I felt his magic as bank accounts inexplicably have just enough in them each year to make wishes come true. I know Santa is REAL.

As Josh was questioning me last night about the logistics of Christmas Eve, "How does Santa REALLY get to everyone on Christmas Eve?, How does Santa REALLY know what we want for Christmas?", etc..I explained to him that there are things in the world that make absolutely no sense, but exist just the same.

I told Josh that I am not sure if Santa has elves. I do not know his telephone number. I do not know if he makes his toys in a shop or if he buys them at the store. What I DO know, I told him, is that when you stop believing in Santa and his beauty and magic - he stops coming. It is then that his father and I will start purchasing gifts for him at Christmas. I explained to him that I know that it is hard that most of his friends do not believe in Santa Claus anymore. I also told him that, I too, once stopped believing in Santa, but that I found his spirit once again, and that I would never let it go.

All of my other children still believe in the spirit and beauty of Santa Claus, even Andy. I told Josh, that as with all things in life, he will need to decide for himself if he TRULY believes in Santa Claus. I cannot make up his mind for him. The only thing that I can do is to let him know that I believe in the beauty of Santa, and that as the Polar Express says, sometimes the  best and most real things in this life are the things that you cannot see and cannot explain - you just have to feel them. 

I hope that Josh, as with all of my kids, will always be able to hear the bell ringing at Christmas.

"This bell is a wonderful symbol of the spirit of Christmas- as am I. Just remember, the true spirit of Christmas lies in your heart."

                                                                            -The Polar Express

 

 

How a Small Deed Can Change the Course of a Day

Every two weeks I do a HUGE grocery store run. I make a list, and then spend most of the school day going from store to store getting the things I need. I DREAD this, but I have found it to be the most effective way for me to do the bulk of my shopping. I would dread grocery shopping even more if I had to do it every week - so every other week isn't so bad.

 

So anyway, I was checking out at the first store I went to. I had a bouquet of flowers in my cart, and the cashier told me not to worry about paying for them because he paid for them for me.I was quite stunned and asked him if he was serious. He nodded that he was. I still couldn't believe my luck, and told him that he had made my day. His final reply was that this was his intention. So, out I walked with a free beautiful bouquet of flowers.

 

Now, I don't know about you, but THIS NEVER happens to me. I have no idea why he wanted to make my day, but I can tell you that I would like to think that he just saw that I radiate a new confidence, and he was attracted to that confidence.  I went to the store with make up on, my hair done, a nice outfit, and my nails done. Oh, and I had 24lbs less to carry around on my body. 

 

If you have ever been fat or frumpy or a combination of both (as I have been for MANY years) finally losing weight and taking care of your body does so much for the soul. I feel some days like I exude confidence that I haven't EVER had. That is a wonderful, wonderful feeling.

 

So, I might have gotten a free bouquet of flowers because I was customer number 37, and that it had nothing to do with anything about my aura. I am going to choose to believe though that it was because of all my hard work, on both the inside and outside of my body,  is starting to pay off. That I truly am becoming my authentic self. Little by little, bit by bit, and that it is not just me that get to see glimpses of that woman, but others as well.

Either way - thank you Mr. Unknown Man for making my day.

A Day in the Life As Elizabeth's Mother

For those of you who were familiar with my Facebook postings of the same title this post will be nothing new to you, but for those of you who are not privy to my old Facebook posts then let me give you a little background.

Elizabeth is my spirited child. She is confident, bold, daring, and does not care what anyone thinks of her. Now, these qualities are all WONDERFUL qualities to have as an adult - particularly a female adult, BUT to raise a daughter with these qualities is VERY tough sometimes. She always seems to take things to that next level. The level 1 step beyond acceptable behavior.

Every so often Elizabeth will live out her life in such a way that I cannot even fathom. She will do things that amaze me (and I don't necessarily mean that as a good thing). So, I sometimes find myself sharing her daily decisions with those around me - here is one of those moments....


Our family had some errands to run yesterday. One of our stops was the local Lowe's store. As we were walking through the store, Josh, decided that it would be a good idea to try and embarrass me by stating loud enough for those to hear around us as we passed them, "I think I just pooped my pants". Now, normally I would NOT condone this type of behavior. AND my kids very rarely behave this way, but I laughed out loud despite myself. Josh didn't scream those words, he said them just loud enough for some people to hear,but not too loud for all to hear. He also did not speak them to anyone in particular he just kind of let the words float in the air to be picked up by anyone who was listening closely. Most people didn't even hear him. There was one person who did turn her head, and look at him like he was crazy.

I didn't say a word to Josh about this because I was actually proud of him for not allowing what other people might think of him sway his decision to be who he is. I know that this may sound crazy to some, but to me - the fact that Josh wasn't afraid that people would think negatively of him after they heard him utter that sentence says a lot about how far Josh has come. Of all of my children, he is the one who makes me the most nervous about succumbing to peer pressure, and being one of the "cool" kids. So, the fact that he was able to embarrass himself (as well as me) said a lot.


Fast forward to a couple of stores later - Bob took the kids into a small locally owned health foods store down the road. I sat in the car waiting for everyone to get back in after getting just a single item from inside. Three of the kids come running out to the car laughing hysterically. Apparently, Elizabeth decided to take Josh's sentence and one up him. She targeted a specific old man, and said "Excuse me, I just pooped my pants. Can you please change my diaper?" The man looked down at Elizabeth like she had completely lost her mind. At that point, she ran back to my husband who then sent her to the car with her siblings.

So needless to say, my kids are no longer allowed to talk like that anymore in a store. (They weren't really allowed to talk that way before, but I thought I would relax with them a bit, and not be so uptight). Elizabeth, upon hearing her brother in Lowe's decided to "win" the, let's embarrass the Gregg family trophy, by picking the smallest, most frequented shop that we go to, and targeting a single person to share her "funny" sentence with.

That is my life with Elizabeth. She is only 6. Lord, help me get through the next 12 years.

My Parenting Creed

 

 

 

 

 

Your children are not your children.

 

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

 

They come through you but not from you,

 

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

 

For they have their own thoughts.

 

You may house their bodies, but not their souls,

 

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

 

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

 

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

 

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

 

 

The Prophet

Kahlil Gibran

 

 

 

 

 



Two Paths Converge

While laying in bed last night I started to think that maybe I have gotten away from the purpose of my blog which was to write about my journey as a mother. My blog seems to have taken a more personal turn and I have focused specifically on myself a bit more than I normally do. I started to think that maybe I need to return to the original intent of my blog and just start writing about the kids again.

These thoughts led to other thoughts which then let to other thoughts. (See, this is how crazy I can be sometimes!) After pondering different things in my head for longer than I would like to admit I came to this conclusion:

I cannot share my journey as a mother without sharing my journey as an individual. Both of these things are bound together, and I cannot have one journey without the other. Only when I grow as an individual can I grow as a mother. In turn, being a mother makes me grow as an individual.

In looking at how both of these paths are interconnected I started looking at what I ask of my kids.  I have asked them to be polite and respectful. I have warned them that a reputation once tarnished cannot easily be restored. I have asked them to display good sportsmanship when they win and lose. I have asked them to watch the tone in which they speak and the words they choose to use when they are angry. I have asked them to be patient and honest. I have asked them to not gossip about others. And all the while that I have asked them to do these things I have picked and chosen which of them I wanted to follow. How can I ask my children to behave one way when I behave another way?

So, I have decided to live the standards that I ask of my kids. In doing so each journey, both my individual journey as a human being and my journey as a mother,  will converge into one for the time being. I know that some of you may be thinking - "Don't you already live within those standards?" In short - NO. I do not live within the standards I uphold for my kids. I say things I shouldn't say in a tone I should not say them in. I gossip. I am disrespectful sometimes. I am not always honest. I am definitely not always patient.

What this all means is that sometimes my blog will be about specific mothering triumphs, struggles, stories, or problems. But sometimes, I am going to post stuff just about me because being a better me means I can be a better motherand THAT is what this blog is about.

With Gratitude

I recently decided to share my blog with some very select friends and a few family members because, quite frankly, I got tired of writing on a public forum to just myself. I figured if I wanted to continue to write solely to myself I could just go out and buy another diary. Right?

I think that the point of having a blog is to be able to expose yourself to others both known and unknown, and to hope that you find a common ground with those people. That being said - almost every person that I know only shares a part of themselves with others. As Billy Joel is apt to say, "We all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone". By me creating this blog - I am showing that hidden face to the world.  Even more scary to me is that I am showing that face to people who think they know me, but really, only know a part of me.

There are  some things that I worry about with this blog. I worry that someone else in my community might take offense to what I have to say. Or, even worse, I worry that someone will show pieces of my blog to their children who will in turn tease my kids about a blog whose content they have no clue about. I worry that my family will freak out and have negative things to say about me potentially adding to my family.

But then, as it always does when my heart and soul align, my brain stops worrying (if only for a second) about all of those things. I am writing this blog for me and for that one person who is able to identify with something I have to say. I have taken away so much from the blogs that I follow. I hope that I am able to pay it forward, and provide some sort of hope or confirmation that the choices a reader has made - I have made too. Often times, we feel so alone. That feeling is so unnecessary because there are so many of us struggling with the same issues.

I have much gratitude in my heart for my husband who supports this blog even though there are things he probably wishes I wouldn't share with the world. I have gratitude in my heart for the friend who immediately sent me a text of support in regards to my blog after I sent out the initial Facebook message letting people know it exists. I have gratitude in my heart for the friend who I visited today who told me that she learned a lot about me through my blog. I have gratitude in my heart for the family member who sent me such an encouraging email yesterday.

A Life Lesson For Me

Alright, I didn't think I was going to tackle this topic today, but I just cannot seem to get it out of the forefront of my mind therefore I am just going to address it.

I am not a patient person. That is a fact to anyone who really knows me. I think I am patient (enough - most of the time) with my kids, but with everything else in life I am not. I am the type of person that rushes through something to be able to get done with that project/task/part of life only to look back and think, "I really wish I would have appreciated that more".  A lot of the time I am just going through the motions of that day/month/year just to get through it - like there is some trophy at the end of those times that I am going to win if I complete it the fastest. My mind is ALWAYS spinning/planning/preparing, and I hardly ever just stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. I have really tried to change that this year, and a lot of days I feel that I am failing miserably with that project, but every so often I will notice that I am actually in the moment and taking it all in just as it is. If you are like me then you will know that THOSE moments are what living is for. THOSE moments are what tell me life is good. THOSE moments are when my body and soul are quiet taking it all in. THOSE moments are what keep me floating when I am on autopilot.  When I haven't had one of those moments in a while I miss the breathtaking joy of them so much that it causes me to take stock of where I am currently at to stop/breathe/enjoy the moment. You know what? When I do that EVERY TIME I have one of THOSE moments of pure authentic, in the moment bliss.

I went out to dinner with a dear, wonderful friend for my birthday, and something changed in me that night. I could feel that this year was going to be an amazing year of growth for me. I am not a very churchy church religious type of person, but I can definitely say that I felt something deep within myself stir after that dinner - it was definitely one of the more spiritual feelings I have felt in my life. I could deep within that that dinner was a catalyst for unknown things yet to come in the future.The crazy thing is that it wasn't what was spoken at the dinner (although the conversation was just what I needed) - it was the aura that I was left with that I had just experienced something authentic. I know this paragraph sounds like I belong in a loony bin.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that after that night I knew that I wanted to experience more authentic moments like that evening. To be able to do that though, I would have to go on a journey within myself, and find out the things about me that were truly authentic, and get rid of the things that I carried within myself that were not really mine, but some version of myself that I thought other people wanted me to be.

This has required patience that I am constantly in search of because it normally evades me. I find myself getting so mad and frustrated because I do not have all of the answers that I am looking for RIGHT NOW. This is not something that I can race to the finish point on, and it is killing me. I find myself constantly at battle on the journey of self discovery - the child in me constantly asking, "Are we there yet?", while my authentic self quietly and calmly whispers, "Not yet, dear. Be patient." I am the type of person who likes control because when I control things they go how I want them to, when I want them to, with the results I want. This journey is not like that at all, and a part of me really hates it. The funny thing is that I know that hating it is part of this journey. I will be on this personal mission to full authenticity until I learn to accept the hate I feel for being here in the first place, to embrace it, and then to let it go. Only then can I move forward.  Still I constantly struggle -  I want to control this journey so that I can complete it and put a check mark by it, and yell, "Next".

There are so many uncertain things in my life that I want answers to NOW, not tomorrow, not in a month or three months, but NOW. Things like - are we going to end up moving to Chicago for Bob's job? Are we going to have the tubal reversal surgery? If we do have the surgery, will we be able to conceive? If we are moving to Chicago - when? Besides the tubal reversal surgery (which I only have half of the say) all of those other answers are out of my control. I need to just be PATIENT and wait for those questions to be answered in their own time. I know that relinquishing control is a HUGE lesson that the universe is trying to teach me because it touches so many aspects of my life right now. It almost as if life is coming at me from all angles to push me to my breaking point so that I will finally scream out, "Okay, I get it. It is out of my hands. I will patiently wait for the answers as they come." Well, life obviously doesn't know this sister - because I am a fighter (both to my advantage and my detriment) and I am not ready to give up anything to anyone.

Maybe the ironic thing about all of this is that I don't really have control to begin with. Control is just an illusion. (Eww, that sentence just poured out of me without me even thinking about it. I don't know if I like that sentence...)

On the flip side in spite of myself I have grown in many ways. Ways that I am truly proud of. I have become a vegan - which  has had a tremendous affect on my life both emotionally and physically. (The rest of my family are still meat eaters. Like religion and politics I believe in allowing my children to make their own choices. I live my life the way that I deem fit for me, and if they ask me my opinion about certain things - for example religion - I will share my views, but I will ultimately allow my children to make up their minds on how they feel about such sacred issues. I hope that by my example my children will find their own truth in how I choose to live my life and embed those thoughts into their lives,but ultimately the decision is theirs. If they choose something different - so be it - that is their right as human beings.) Because of this change in lifestyle it has forced me to become more aware of the choices that I make in all aspects of my life from the food I eat to the clothes I wear to the companies that I support with my dollars. It has forced me to stoping living on AUTOPILOT (in that area of my life anyway) and use my brain and make choices that are authentic to me. Physically, I have lost 21 lbs to date because of my choice to eat vegan foods and exercise.

Another change, is obviously, the no media change. My family has actual bonding time - every night. From making home made play dough, to baking cookies, playing board games, or house hide-in-seek - you name it we are doing it. The television and video games were a huge time sucker. We aren't even aware of how much time we, as a society, are wasting when we sit at the computer browsing the Internet, playing video games, watching TV. It is AMAZING. I never knew just how much time I had in my day until I gave those things up. I don't watch TV during the day anymore because if I am asking my kids to make changes in their lives then you better bet I will be making them too. I need to live my life by example. I cannot expect my kids to live up to certain standards if I am not willing to. 24 hours in a day now takes on a whole new meaning now that we do not use electronic media 6 days of the week. ( If my kids to go to a friends house I do realize that they will sometimes be playing video games. These rules apply to my house only. Also, I did work out an agreement with the kids that they can have 2 hours on the weekend to play their games. Although I would love if we could throw the TV out the window I do think that in order to prevent my kids from becoming video game addicts as adults because they didn't play as kids a negotiation was in order).

Another change is that I am consistently trying hard to stay connected with the kids.(I have been trying to do this on and off for years, but sporadically. My priorities would sometimes get skewed, and I would forget that THEY are the most important love and investment in my life.) Everyday, I try to make sure that I am in tune with them, so that each child feels  that I "get" him/her.I think that being connected to my kids is one of the best investments I can make to prevent future problems as they grow up. I am definitely not perfect in this area, and there are days when I truly stink at doing this. Nonetheless I still make the effort.

I am a long way from where I need to be, but this journey I am on has been incredible. It has been incredibly joyous, incredibly frustrating, incredibly good. Some people go through life, and never have this kind of a soul searching journey. I know that I have my work cut out for me, and that learning to be patient, and living life as it comes (instead of planning it all out) will be hard. I know that to stop all of the constant busyness in my head will be even harder. I also know that learning to just live in the moment will be the hardest lesson of all.   For all of the sweat and tears it has taken out of me, I am ever so grateful that I am one of the lucky ones that get to go on this life altering path. I will come out of this so much the better for having stretched my soul, and more importantly I will be living my life as uniquely and authentically as only I can. I look forward to this journey as it unfolds.

Favorite Quotes on a Blah Day

Today is a blah day. So, instead of rambling on about several of the issues rattling around in my brain I am instead going to share with you some of my favorite 'mommy quotes'.

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but

whose place no one else can take."

-- Cardinal Mermillod

"Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother."

-- Lin Yutang

 

"Motherhood is like Albania-- you can't trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there."
-- Marni Jackson

 

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother."
-- Theodore Hesburgh

 

"Children are the sum of what mothers contribute to their lives."
-- Unknown

 

  "The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world."
-- William Ross Wallace

 

"A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know that he sees it."
-- W. D. Howells

 

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
-- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

 

(All above quotes from: www.momscape.com)

 

I never thought that you should be rewarded for the greatest privilege of life.-Mary Roper Coker Mother of the Year 1958

 

I love being a mother...I am more aware. I feel things on a deeper level. I have a kind of understanding about my body, about being a woman.Shelley Long

 

If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much.-Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

 

I looked on child-rearing not only as a work of love and duty but as a profession that was fully as interesting and challenging as any honorable profession in the world and one that demanded the best that I could bring it.-Rose Kennedy

 

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaries jobs in my field since the payment is pure love.-Mildred B Vermont

 

My son is my son till he gets him a wife, But my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life. -Author Unknown

 

(All above quotes obtained from: www.focused-momentum-lifecoach.com)

The No Media Campaign - Part 2

I have decided to quit Facebook for a while. We need some time apart, Facebook and I, because we are spending too much time together, and it is making me feel yucky. I do not need to spend time looking at people's pictures that I do not talk to on a regular basis nor do I really need to be paying attention to the random babbling of other people. My time is too busy. (That being said - I post some pretty random babble on the site as well, so I am a just as guilty of this as the next person.) I guess, now that I have this blog I can go on a tangent about my beliefs, struggles, and triumphs. I don't need to put it out there on Facebook where the whole thing has gotten way out of hand. Facebook is no longer, to me, a place where I can keep in touch with family members, good friends, and old friends that I have lost touch with. I feel now that I have let Facebook become a sort of popularity contest in which I am accepting 'friend' requests just because I don't want to upset anyone that I have to see on a regular basis. This is not how it should be. I want out.

So, I am going to 'go dark' on Facebook for a while. If I am trying to teach my children that technology is a good thing, but only in small doses, then I need to lead by example not by words alone. I am going to allow myself access to my blog - which won't take up too much time because it is just me, and a handful (if I am being optimistic) of people who read it. I am also going to allow myself time to read the blogs that I follow. I really get a lot of ideas and inspiration from those blogs and I need that support especially since my parenting is so much more conservative than 95% of the population in my community. It is nice to read what other women have to say and what they believe, and to know that I am not alone.

I know that giving up Facebook will be hard. That sounds so ridiculous to read! But electronic devises are addicting, and I can say that I am falling into the category of spending way too much time on the computer, and on Facebook in general.

I will keep you all posted on how it is going.

Why I Love Him...

 

 

 

 

My husband has been working in Chicago since the middle of August, and will continue to do so until the end of March. His company has been very generous and because of this he has been able to come home every weekend. His absence has been hard on our children, and it has been hard on me. You see, my husband is a phenomenal father.

 

When he first went away it was hard, but I thought I knew what I was signing up for so I made due. We changed a few of our family night time rituals to make up for his lack of being here, and have adapted. But as time has gone on his being away is really weighing me. It is hard to go from having a wonderful leader and help mate every night of the week to having one only two days a week. The responsibility of me raising our four children alone is getting heavier and heavier for me to bear - which only speaks to his greatness.

 

That being said - he knew that I was nearing a meltdown and called to let me know that on Friday he had arranged for my in-laws to take the kids for a while so that he could take me out to dinner and to peruse the local book store. Today, he let me know that if I needed to get out for a bit that I was more than welcome to. I took him up on his offer and met up for a little while with a girlfriend who is a single mother and who would be able to truly understand what I was going through.

 When I came home I found him playing a game with the kids that he made up in which each of the kids was on a two man team and they were trying to score points by getting through various obstacles in the house. THIS is why I miss this man so much. As I type this I can hear laughter from all of the kids as they cheer on "Team Awesome" and "Team Chocolate" to a victory.

He will continue to play with them for hours on end. Just being with them, laughing with them, and creating memories with them. This time with them is nothing new - he has been doing this since the day they were born. Carving special time with them sometimes one on one and sometimes with all of them together.  He knows how much I need a break, and he provides me with that. I am grateful for a night off. I miss him terribly for so many reasons, but none greater than the fact that I miss watching him be a dad to our children.

I know that at the end of the day this work assignment will pay off, and that all of our sacrifice will have been worth it. In the meantime though, his absence is felt greatly - not just by me, but by all of us. How thankful I am that I met such an incredible man at such a young age who turned out to be the BEST father in the whole wide world.

 

This I Believe:

I get so much encouragement from the blogs that I follow. I find that so much of what I read on the blogs that I hold sacred ring true to me that it is eerie sometimes. So, today I thought that I would share with you some of the things that I believe in with my whole heart. Maybe some of the items will bring you encouragement or hope because you believe in them too, and you now know that you are not alone. Maybe some of the items will surprise you because you have known me for a while and never knew that I believed in these things - either way here is my (incomplete) list...

 

 

I believe:

 

1. In family
2. That the TV is a drug and that we medicate ourselves and our children with it too much
3. That violent video games have no place in my home
4. That video game and computer time should be limited
5. That genetically modified food has no place in our food supply
6. That the way that we raise and slaughter animals for human consumption is unnatural and inhumane
7. In sustainable farming practices
8. In local food
9. In organic food
10. That children desire and deserve our time - not material possessions
11. That as a society - we need to place greater value on a mother staying home with her children
12. That the greatest gift I can give to my children is to try and create a warm, loving, home environment where they feel they have a voice.
13. That my children deserve to be respected - any human being does - my children are no exception
14. That there is value in marriage
15. That we, as a society, do not place enough value on marriage
16. That we jump into marriage too quickly
17. That we jump out of marriage too quickly
18. That ALL people have the right to be married.
19. That a woman loses her right to have an abortion the moment she chooses to have sex
20. That my children are not my possessions, but rather gifts to me, that God has lent to me for a short period of time.
21. That less is actually more.
22. That this too, shall pass
23. That I have a small group of women who totally get me, and where I am coming from, and love me just the same.
24. That I value my friendships immensely
25. That I value my family more
26. That I am trying to instill in my children that family comes first - ALWAYS.
27. That my children should have each other's backs.
28. That my children should never speak ill of their siblings to others outside of our home.
29. That it is my job to protect my children
30. That it is my husbands job to be the breadwinner (for now)
31. That is is my job to be a home maker (for now)
32. That women CANNOT have it all (mom, wife, career woman) at once, BUT we can have it all over 1 lifetime.
33. There are certain areas of my life that I will always be striving to make/be better at



Will They Know...

I was watching my youngest son walk into school today, and my heart filled with gratitude that I have such a wonderful young man in my life. Actually, I have two wonderful young men and two wonderful young ladies in my care. I got to thinking on the ride home from dropping Josh off that I hope they know how much I love them. I hope they realize that no matter what they do - I will always love them. I may not like something that they do, but I will ALWAYS love them. There are not many things that I believe in this life that are forever. Marriages can crumble, careers change, belief systems change, friendships come and go, but a mothers love is forever. Sometimes it is hard for me to express my love to my children. I am not a naturally touchy lovey type of a person. I wish that I was, and because of that wish I make a conscious effort to give hugs and kisses and snuggle time, but to say that it is something that naturally comes out of me would be a lie.

 

Still, I hope they know that because of my deep abiding love for them - I would do anything for them. My love for them is the only unselfish love that I know. I hope they know that I love them without keeping score. I love them when they are pretty and ugly, happy and sad, sweet and mean. I love them unconditionally and for always.

 

I hope that when they feel alone in this world, as is bound to happen from time to time, that they will feel my love for them radiating in their hearts - no matter where they are or how old they may be. I hope that my love will help sustain them when their own tanks are running on empty.

 

I hope they know that although I am not a perfect mother that I am doing the very best that I can. I hope they know that, sometimes, Mommy makes mistakes too. I hope they know that I will support them in whatever they feel their calling is. I hope they know that I will love them no matter what their sexual orientation, religious beliefs, economic status, or political beliefs.

 

I hope they know that I will love them forever, and ever, and always.

 

The No Media Campaign

In order to live simply in my house we have begun a 'no media' campaign. So, with the exception of my morning blog/FB check, we are not on the computer, watching TV, or playing video games. We have done this before, and I generally do not allow the children to participate in any of these activities on a school night, but the difference now is that I TOO am participating. No more TV while I fold the laundry, no more people.com (which I do miss terribly because after all, celebrities lives are SUPER important, aren't they? Sarcasm noted.), no more random searches on the Internet for this or that - nothing. 

You know what? I have found myself thriving. I never really paid attention to how much time I wasted on media. Now I feel like I have so much more time to actually do the things that I want/need to do. I just feel all around better, and I know that the kids do too. Sure, they miss those forms of entertainment (and let's be honest - I do too), but we are having such a ball that I know as each day goes on they are missing it less and less. 

We are connecting on a level that I feel I should have been connecting with them on all along. Let's face it - I know better. If being connected to them is as important to me as I say it is then I need to make PERMANENT changes. Sometimes though, breaking bad habits is MUCH harder than it seems. Yes, there are times when I have felt super connected to each of them at different points in their lives, but this no media thing has given me the freedom to become connected to them all. I am getting the things done that I should be during the day which has freed up my nights. Before, I was watching TV a couple of days a week which would put me behind schedule. I would then use the night time to get those things done. In doing so, I would shoo the kids away while I did said household items on my to do list, and then wonder why they got into trouble! What was I thinking???!!!

 I am finding that my patience has increased and their patience with each other has increased. As we have made this transition there have been some difficulties  and I am sure that there will be more down the road. The kids still annoy each other - it is just so much less now. 

 We are sitting down together each night and to partake in a nutritious family meal and conversing about various things. Since Bob's departure to Chicago I have not been doing as good of a job in the family meal department, and I have realized that we NEED to have family meals every night as a way to connect to one another (in spite of the fact that our whole family is not together during the week). It is a vital part of our family life and I need to restore that. 

I have also found that their creativity is back. They are creating their own games each night - things such as obstacle courses or different versions of hide-and-go-seek or having "wars" with the bad guys where they are all on the same team. They are ALL playing together which is awesome because before they would each be in their own rooms doing whatever, and would get completely annoyed if someone wanted to do something with them. I have seen the most change in the boys. Joshua has been really making an extra effort to include this girls in his play time. And, although I know he would never admit it, I think he is really enjoying hanging out with them. I know that I have loved every minute of them playing together. 

Each night we do something as a family. Whether it is a family game of hide-and-seek, or a board game, or a craft (last night we made home made play dough) we are spending much needed quality time together. I am also having the kids help set the table, clear the table, and make dinner. It is yet another way that I can have bonding time with each of them. It is also another way that I can get my chores done more quickly so that we can spend more time together as a family.

I feel that I have allowed the media to soak up a lot of our time together, and I am no longer going to allow that to happen. I like my new life. I feel good inside and I know in my gut that although this decision is definitely not mainstream it sure does work for our family. At the end of the day that is all that matters.

272 Washburn Rd

When I was growing up my parents would take us to my grandparents house quite often to visit. My grandparents lived in a Neverland sort of place - at least for me anyway. My grandfather worked in the Engineering Dept. at Edith Macy Conference Center (a Girl Scout owned property) and lived on the property in a beautiful home surrounded by hundreds of acres of woods, lakes, streams, and open space. I LOVED that place, and even though I have not been there in over 10 years the place holds a sacred place in my heart.

 I remember feeling, (and to this day I still do) that the place belonged to my family - that it was God's gift to me (even though the home my grandparents lived in was owned by the Girl Scouts. My grandparents lived there because my grandfather shared the responsibility of taking care of the property after hours with 2 other families who also lived on the property.)When I was little I remember waiting at the top of the hill in my grandparents front yard at 5 o'clock for my grandfather to come home. My heart would do a dance of joy when I would see his red work truck pull into the driveway and into the garage at the bottom of the hill. Usually, I would run the hill to greet him, and no matter how tired he may have been from a grueling day at work, he was NEVER too tired for my energy. Sometimes, before coming up the hill and into the house, he would stop first to weed and water his magnificent garden. Looking back, maybe that was his time to unwind from a hard day of physical labor, but as a child it never occurred to me that he would need a break from anything - especially not my constant chatter and exuberant energy that I always felt anytime I saw him. At its biggest, I can remember him growing strawberries, tomatoes, lettuce, peppers, corn, currents, and other veggies. As time went on the garden got progressively smaller, and I will admit that it always made me a bit sad when I would see the garden shrink in size in the Spring. The changing of the garden just represented to me that life does not remain the same, and that it constantly is changing. While those changes have brought me to where I am today - when I was younger those changes were sometimes very unsettling and sad for me.

When he was done weeding the garden, my grandfather would slowly make his way up the hill, and into the house where he would find my grandmother in the kitchen and lean down to plant a gentle kiss on her face. After going upstairs to wash up for dinner we would sit down to an unbelievably delicious cooked from scratch home cooked meal. My grandmother has always (even to this day) prepared such great immaculate meals. She seems to spend all day everyday in the kitchen just preparing yummy delicious food for her family. To this day I am very grateful for the love she poured into her meals because no matter what we were all doing during the day dinnertime was a time of togetherness. A time when we would all come and share stories from our day and laugh and fill our bellies with the most delicious food.

After dinner, more often than not, I would ask my grandfather to take us for a walk. And, more often than not, my grandfather would concede, and off we would go on an adventure. Sometimes we would cross the stream and take a walk around the lake nearby the house. Other times we would venture a bit further, and walk into the trails cleared as access to the forest y the fire department or utility company in the event of a fire. My grandmother would provide bread for us to take so that we would be able to feed the Canadian geese that were found in abundance at the lake.

As I got older I was able to walk around the property on my own. I would often find myself telling my grandmother that I was off for a walk. Sometimes, I would be gone for what seemed like hours. Walking through the woods, past the Girl Scout buildings, beyond the lakes I would find such a peace and contentment. Even though there were many visitors that came to the Conference center on the property for training or camping I rarely saw a soul. I liked it that way because it made me feel like those hundreds of acres were all mine. I was surrounded by beauty day in and day out. I listened to Katy-Did's at the end of summer lying in my aunts old bedroom waiting for sleep to find me.  I got to witness the beauty of fall creep up on the trees and see their brilliant display of color. I got to see the tremendous beauty in a freshly fallen snow in March. I was able to see the labor and time invested in ducks sitting on their nests when little chicks would hatch and line up behind their mother to swim in the lake. I got to breathe in the scent of lilac in my grandmothers back yard. All of these things were available to me on any given day in any given season which only added to its magic.

It helped too, that not only did my Grandfather work for the Girl Scouts, but my Uncle and Aunt did as well. I would just as often seek out my Aunt as I would my Grandfather, and she would take me into the kitchen and spoil me rotten. I got to know some of the servers, cooks, dishwashers, and other personnel that she oversaw, and some of them treated me like family.

272 Washburn Rd was such a magical place. As I get older I appreciate it more and more, and I am so grateful that I appreciated the place back then too. It would have been such a tragedy if I had not taken advantage of all the magic that the place had to offer.

I speak of this place now because I hope that my children will have a place in their hearts that they think of when they are adults that is as magical to them as my grandparents property was to me.