I knew it would happen. I just wasn't sure when or where, and now I find myself completely shaken up just like I anticipated. I also find myself feeling torn beyond reason.
There is a job opportunity for my husband in a part of the country neither of us really thought we wanted to go to. In fact - this is the second time this location has come up. We passed it by once before because we did not feel that the location was suitable for our family. So, "what", you may be asking, "has changed that you would even consider this the second time around when you passed it by the first time?!?!"
I wish that my husband and I were not so torn over potentially seeking out new career opportunities for himself and our family. I have friends who will never leave the communities that they are in because they have no desire to uproot their family to start over. They are perfectly content getting a pay check every two weeks, and living the good life right where they are at. The thought of transferring their family out of state will NEVER even be a thought in their minds. Their children will grow up alongside one another from kindergarten through high school. They will have deep, deep roots in their chosen community. I admire those friends.
On the other hand, I have friends who have traveled all over the country seeking out new career opportunities. These friends have found good communities where ever they have gone, and I cannot see them ever settling down somewhere. They have roots here and there and everywhere.The adventure of new experiences seems to tug at their hearts. They will know people all over the country, and always have a place to crash when in need.The thought of staying stagnant and having a job instead of a career doesn't appeal to them. I admire them also.
My husband and I lay somewhere in the middle of these two mind sets, and it feels like a sick twisted curse. We have the ambition and drive to seek out new adventures for not only ourselves, but for our children as well, but also have the pull of creating deep roots in one community. I know that for me, but more so for my husband, the weight of our extended family members wishes and desires weighs extremely heavily on us. He carries the burden of their voices in his heart, and I can hear it crushing his spirit as we weigh the pros and cons of applying for this current opportunity. How I wish that the fire of ambition would die in our hearts, so that we would have no regrets about staying here. How I wish that pull of extended family and friends and community would not be so strong so that we would have no regrets about leaving here.
So, back to the original question: Why would we consider seeking out this job when we passed this opportunity up without even pursuing it the first time?
Because the desire to provide for my children is strong. To provide them with not only family, but with help paying for college, for weddings to be had (hopefully), for greater earning potential so that Bob and I can travel to where ever it is that our children end up when they have grown, for career fulfillment for Bob, for adventure, for the desire to be able to care for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves.
Because this part of the country is sunny and warm. I am not a big fan of the cold and gray Ohio fall, winter, and part of spring.
Because the cost of living is similar to where we are now.
Because I feel that maybe God is giving us a second chance to take a career opportunity that we should have looked into the first time.
Because we partially passed this opportunity by the first time out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of hurting those we love. If I tell my kids not to pass something by just because they are afraid of failure (my son trying out for the basketball team is an example) why is it okay for me to reject something because I am afraid? My kids learn by my example, for better or for worse, what I am teaching my kids by not seeking out new things because I am afraid? What opportunities will they not seek out as adults because they learned by my example to be afraid and to let that fear make decisions for them in their lives?
I do know this: Bob and I need to make a decision because I cannot live on this hamster wheel any longer. We either need to stay, and put aside our ambitions OR we need to go and seek whatever it is that is waiting for us out there. We are either mobile or we are not mobile, but I REFUSE to keep saying we are mobile only to poo poo every opportunity that comes along because it is too far away or too expensive or too this or too that. Either we are going or we are staying. There is nothing wrong with either decision both have their pro's and con's.
I would be perfectly content to stay here in my home surrounded by friends and family that I love. To grow old, not only with my husband, but with those that I have known for years now. To see our children grow and become young men and women.
I would also be content to see what other communities are out there. To show my children different parts of this great country. To allow them to experience different opportunities outside of where we are now. To show them that home is not a location on a map, but rather where ever we, the 6 of us, are.
I moved a bit as a child. I attended 3 different elementary schools, moved to a new state and finished middle and high school in the same community. There were times when I hated the fact that we moved. I missed my extended family and friends. BUT I would not have met some pretty awesome people here in Ohio, if we had not moved. I would have missed out on some very fulfilling friendships that sustained me both while I was in high school, and then new friendships as an adult. I would not be living the life that I was meant to live if we had not moved from NY to OH as a child.. I would have never met my husband nor had my children. I would have married a different man and had different children. I am a firm believer that the life I have lived thus far, is the life I was meant to live.
On the one hand, I wonder what life I would be denying my children by staying here. What new friendships would they never develop? What experiences would they never have? On the flip side though, I always told myself that I when I had children I was going to stay where ever I was because I wanted them to be able to tell stories when they are Seniors in high school about the "one time when John peed his pants in kindergarten"...stories I was never able to tell because I had long ago moved away from the kids I went to kindergarten with.
A mentor of Bob's recently gave him some pretty good advice...it only confuses our situation even more, but I still found it to be good advice non-the-less. He told Bob that the newness and excitement of a job will only last so long, and then it becomes routine. The basic gist I got out of the conversation was not to chase a promotion because at the end of the day money just becomes money and you end up having to live in the location you chased your promotion to. I used to think that this location would just be chasing the promotion, but I am not so sure about that anymore. There was once a time when we may have chased a job for money, but we are in a solid spot financially, so this opportunity really isn't about the money. It is about laying the foundation for what comes after this job. This job would be an investment in our long term future.
I do think that it is quite ironic, and almost comical that one of those signs I posted to the mirror in my living room has come to fruition - the one about how I cannot move forward in my life until I am content with where I am at now. Funny, how just a couple of days ago I was writing about how content I finally felt. How I was going to just settle in and hunker down and BE here. I cannot decide whether to laugh or to cry that just a mere 1 day after writing that post a new opportunity presents itself.
How I wish there was a clear answer. How I wish things didn't seem to muddled. How I wish...
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