Sick of it All - A Mommy Tantrum

Bob and I were talking last night after he got home from work. He doesn't think that Sarah had an MRI of her spine which is why  her neurologist said that lesions on the spine do not hide, and if she had any we would know. Because Sarah is not having any mobility issues she did not have the spine scanned. I missed this part of the conversation and just assumed that when Sarah had her MRI on Friday it was of both her brain and spine. This now makes sense to me, but bothers me because this doesn't seem like very good science. How can you tell someone their child has NMO, but not test the one area that is most prevalent in showing lesions for that disease?

I want to know for sure if Sarah has or does not have lesions on her spine. I don't want to just be guessing because she doesn't have mobility issues. Of course, the thought popped into my mind as I lay in bed,  what if her bladder and rib cage issues are a result of the NMO? What if they have nothing to do with the steroids or diabetes? What if they are both linked together somehow? Not a nice series of thoughts to have when one is trying to fall asleep. Needless to say that on top of getting up with Sarah to use the restroom last night I didn't sleep well because of the thoughts running rampant through my mind.

I woke this morning in a super crabby mood. I am just so sick of myself and all of this bull%$*&. I am sick of always feeling like things are going to get worse for Sarah. I want her to be well. I am tired of having to do so much freaking research on my own because the doctors that are supposed to be helping Sarah aren't doing so.  I am tired of trying to make good choices and not having them pan out.

 I am sick about all of the "right" choices Bob and I have tried to make for not only ourselves, but for our children, and not having them pan out. It makes me sick that we bought our house thinking it was a good investment when in fact it was a terrible investment. I am sick about the fact that we dumped tens of thousands of dollars into degrees for both of us and a master's degree for Bob that don't look like they are going to help us any.

I wanted more for my life than to live the life I am living. I wanted to be able to provide more for my children. We should be able to provide more for them. We've played by all of the rules.

 I am sick and tired of making plans and then having them fall through or trying to get ahead in life only to hit a brick wall.

I am tired to trying to create a life because it seems like someone or something is trying to hold me right here where I am at. Never moving forward. Just stuck. I feel that my kids are going to resent me for always trying something new and better and never succeeding. I am tired of always worrying if I am doing a good enough job. If I am a good enough wife or mother or daughter or sister or friend. I am tired of trying to see the good in myself. I am tired of Bob and I having to pass the burden of our load back and forth to each other. With each one of us carrying it until our soul is about to break just so the other one of us can get a much needed mental break.

I am disgusted with myself for constantly trying to come up with a game plan. ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING PLANS!!! JUST LIVE LIFE. I may not have all of this time to plan this trip and that trip or this thing or that thing. Sarah has already lost some of her vision permanently. How long am I going to piss away our time planning stuff out? How much more damage needs to be done to her eyes until I realize that each day I spend planning something is 1 less day that she may have to see all of the things I want to show her?!! I need to stop planning stuff. Just go out and do it for Pete's sake!!!! It is very evident that we don't have unlimited time to do everything that we want to. Life has shown us that we don't have the luxury that the mirage of 'forever' exists.

I am so sick of myself I make myself want to puke.  I don't understand why all of this bad stuff is happening to my family. We have a daughter who is very, very sick. We cannot sell our house. Bob's career is at a standstill. Life sucks. I am tired to trying to put on a happy face and gathering my children around in a circle and singing "kumbyah" with them. I am tired of trying to put on a happy face and trying to remember that there are others out there who have it worse than I do.

Yes, I am having a pity party. I am pissed off at both myself and life in general. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I am tired of thinking that if Bob and I do 'A' then 'B' is bound to happen because that is what we are all told will be the outcome when one plays the game of Life.  Because it is a lie. Life doesn't make sense.

I am tired of waiting to see rainbows and the pot of gold that is supposed to be present in all of our lives. I am sick and tired of telling myself that life doesn't make sense right now, but someday I will look back on it all and everything will be perfectly understood. Because I have been telling myself that for a really long time, and it is about freaking time that something made some damn sense.

I am tired of feeling like I am running away from my life because it is too hard. I am tired of the amount of time I spend reading blogs or am Facebook or any other crappy website. I am sick of knowing what I should be doing, and doing the opposite.

I am just sick of myself and sick of my bull%^&*.

I am pretty sure this is rock bottom, but then again I have thought that before only to be surprised that the bottom gets much deeper.

I do think this might be considered a meltdown. Or maybe even a small version of a nervous breakdown.

I hope that there are other Mommy's out there who get sick of themselves too. I hope I am not the only one who gets sick of their own crap.

Thank you for letting me rant.