The Judge

She sits on my shoulder and seductively points out all that I could be - if only I were perfect. She spits venom into my soul by pointing out all that I am not and all that I never will be. She seethes contempt at my successes and is quick to point out what I could have done better. She is the voice who tells me that I am not good enough - not a good enough mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, homemaker, teacher...you name it. Each of my failures she counts as a victory. She tries daily to bring me to my knees. She is the Judge.

Just about every day for as long as I can remember she has sat on my shoulder, never taking a break, ready to pounce on my inconsistencies and flaws. She is ever so ready to "help" me out by breaking me down to feel less than. She eats away at my well being, and becomes stronger as I become weaker.

She wears me out and tears me down. She is one of my biggest obstacles in becoming Real. She has done such a number on me that when I tried to come up with a list over the last two days of all of the things I love about myself I could come up with only 2 things. This is not right. Something has to be done about the Judge. I have many people in my life who love me for a variety of reasons. Why cannot I not see those reasons too? It would be such a tragedy if I were to leave this earth and never to see what they see. It would be a crime if I let the Judge rule the rest of my life the way she has ruled it up to this point.

My husband adores me, and yet I cannot see why. That is heartbreaking. I shudder to think of my own two daughters struggling with the Judge the way I do. Something has got to change. It just has to.

Do you have a Judge in your life? If you are like me, and I know that a lot of you are, I bet you do.

Maybe my approach to dealing with the Judge has been wrong. I hate her. I loathe the Judge and often yell at her to be quiet. (Well, actually I tell her to shut the H#$$ up.) Maybe, just maybe what I really need to be doing is befriending the Judge. Get to know her, and to understand why she is so critical of me. Maybe then I can learn to live with her on my own terms. I don't think she will ever go away, but I definitely feel that she does not have to have such a prominent central part in my life.

This is the first step in my journey to being Real. Get to know the judge. Find out why she is the way she is. Befriend her. Love her. Loving her, truly loving her, is the only way I can break free from the hold she has on my life. I know that this will not be easy, but like so much in my life, the struggle will be worth it in the end.

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