This and That

Sarah is feeling better today. To say that this makes me happy is an understatement. Her appointment with Dr. Locastro went well. 20/50 in one eye and 20/60 in the other. 20/30 vision using both eyes. She has made progress with her vision, and for that I am grateful, BUT (and I hate to use that conjunction) Sarah's last day on steroids was yesterday. I feel, once again, that I am sitting on a ticking time bomb. Waiting for her to wake up one morning and tell me that her eyes are different again. I am ever so patiently waiting for a day that may never come, a day in which Sarah can go months and month (and dare I dream years and years) before having any more issues with her disease.

Each time she has an episode and relapses I am reminded that Hope is like a double edged sword. On the one hand, hope has kept me optimistic in some of my darkest moments. On the other hand, I have had some of my darkest moments because I had hope that did not pan out. Hmmm...Maybe I need to find another emotion in which to hang my heart on or maybe I just need for Sarah to catch a break.
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Bob will roll his eyes after he reads this post, and ask me why I share so much of our lives with the public, but I cannot help myself. I share because it makes me feel more connected. It makes me feel less alone. I share because I know that others are feeling some of the same things I do, and are not able to give those feelings a voice. Seeing that we struggle through some of the same things makes them feel better too.
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I thought I was pregnant this month. My period was 5 days late. It has never, ever been 5 days late (unless I was pregnant).  I was certain I was carrying a child. I am starting to wonder if I paid all that money for my tubal reversal surgery last May for nothing. That it was all a waste of money. I am even second guessing whether the doctor who performed the surgery actually did anything when he opened me up. I guess only time will tell.

I know that some people think I am crazy for wanting more children. Especially with everything going on with Sarah. To be honest, everything going on with Sarah only solidified my feelings to want to expand our family. Family, to me, is the most important thing in this whole wide world. Although I have interests outside of my family, they are my life. My children are the reason I was put on this earth. They are my purpose in life. Children are only young for such a fleeting amount of time, and to be able to walk beside them for this short while is an honor. The more the merrier. I am lucky that I have a husband, who although he is no where near as enthusiastic as me in my desire to expand our family, allows me the opportunity to try.
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The kids and I were talking about next school year today.  Andy and Elizabeth want to stay home next fall. Josh is undecided. Sarah would like to go back to 4th grade (and maybe 5th grade) - after that she wants to be homeschooled again. I want them all home with me next year, but I promised them that they could make the decision on their own after this first year if they would allow me to bring them home for this current school year. I know that the fall is a long way away yet and Josh and Sarah may still decide to stay home. Gosh, I hope that they do. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE having them home with me. I hate Common Core, and worry about the education that they will be receiving if they go back. (I do not worry about the teachers - just the curriculum they are forced to teach.)

I don't know...my heart is sad about their conversations today. I think that Josh will end up staying home again. I have a feeling when he compares the perks he has at home verse that of being a public school student again he will choose to stay at home. I am not certain of this though, and will need to wait for him to make a decision. Sarah, on the other hand, wants to go back most days. I think that going back will make her feel more normal. I understand that desire. She feels so different because she has NMO that she will do anything to feel like a regular kid. Of course, Bob and I need to discuss what we feel is best for her too, but at least we know what her wishes are.

I wish that I had taken the kids on more adventures this school year. I wish that we focused on having more learning time outside of our house. I wish that we had done more science projects. I wonder if Sarah would want to stay home if I had made our school year more fun. I am stressing out about this, and I know that I shouldn't be. I just want her to want to be home. Maybe she does, but she wants to feel normal again, and feels that going back to the public school is the only way she can do so. Or maybe she just didn't like being home. I don't know...
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