A Time to Heal

For a long time I have felt too old for my age. My body seemed too tired. My weight too much. My mind and heart too heavy. I knew that I needed a change, but I didn't know how I was going to change or what I even needed to change. I just knew that I was sick in many ways, and that this sickness was causing me to age in both mind and body much faster than the passage of time would indicate I should be. I felt so deeply lost and conflicted in just about every area of my life. The things that I felt I believed in did not coincide with the actual choices I was making. I was in such a dark place for so long. I felt there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and there were points where I felt hopeless. (Which for those of you who have ever been to the place called Hopelessness you know how dark and scary that land is.)

I think that there are those of you out there who feel that way in your own lives too. For whatever reason you just cannot seem to get over that hump and out of that rut. Maybe you feel like you are spinning in circles. Maybe you feel that you have lost who you are as a person while playing the many roles that you act out each day. Maybe you feel that you never knew who you were to begin with. I don't know what is going on in your life, but I do know that I am not alone in my tiredness and lost feelings.

I knew that I needed something to change in order for me to get over the darkness I was in. I needed to find a space where I could reestablish my beliefs and values - a space where I could plant both feet firmly on the ground  and grow upwards and onward. I needed a time and place to heal.

Being away from Ohio has shown me just how off track I was. I often felt that I was swimming upstream in a canoe without a paddle. I don't feel that way here. I feel that this place is going to give me the freedom that I need to heal myself in all ways possible. The openness of this space is amazing, but so is the fact that we are so remotely closed in. This place hugs me in all the right ways while allowing me to breath deeply so that I can feel all the way down to me toes.

Everyday I seem to detox a little bit more. I am finding a happiness within myself that I thought I lost a long time ago.

Please don't misunderstand me, I miss the people of my old community so much. I carry them with me in my heart and think of them the first thing when I wake up, throughout the day, and then again when I am drifting off to sleep. I ache for those that I love, but have left behind. I want to laugh with them and hug them and be a part of their everyday lives. But I know that, for me, there was something toxic about living in Ohio. I don't know why or what - it certainly wasn't the people.

My time here in NM is limited. I knew that when Bob and I agreed for him to take the promotion he received to move out here. I think that it is very important for me to know that my time is limited so that I can use everyday to the best of my ability. To heal myself. To grow myself. To get to know myself. This space and place is sacred to me. I know already that when we leave it behind in a few years I will always be grateful for my growth here. I never in a million years thought that a move to the desert would be what I needed, but it is. There is something magical here, and I can feel it truly and deeply.

The possibilities for my growth are endless here and I plan on exploring them all and leaving no stone unturned. I am willing and ready with open arms to see all of the healing powers New Mexico has in store for me. The journey has begun!