As I let loneliness' words sink into my psyche I began to question every decision I have made regarding this decision to move 1700 miles away from a community full of family and friends. I have been nothing but a ball of self doubt and worry for the last two days allowing those negative feelings to almost swallow me whole.
But then that self assured voice that resides deep within my being - the one that I almost never allow myself the courtesy of listening to, but seems to come out just when I need her - stopped me in my tracks this morning when she asked me with a sternness I have not heard in a long time -
"So, what are you going to do about it?"
"Do about what?", I asked myself back.
"You know exactly what I am talking about. Loneliness - are you just going to roll over and let him take over your life? What about the pep talk that you gave your kids a few days ago? That only applies to them when it gets hard in their lives, but when times get difficult for you you just give up and throw in the towel?"
"No, I am not going to just give up. This just hurts a lot more than I thought it would." I defiantly said back.
"Oh, I see. So when it gets hard and when it hurts too much you just give up? You are more than you give yourself credit for, but until you can see that in yourself there is nothing more I can do for you."
And then just like that the conversation seemed to be over. But I thought a lot about what my authentic self said to me, and she was right. It is hard to start over. And there are moments throughout my day when I want to buy 6 plane tickets back to Ohio and forget this whole idea of trying something new. There are times (a lot of the time) when I miss my family and friends so much it hurts. Really bad.
But that doesn't mean that the answer is to just give up. Any growth - any change worth making - hurts. Sometimes just a bit, but sometimes it hurts a lot. And the personal growth that I know that I am going to make - that I have already started to make - is going to be painful because the parts of me that need to change don't want to. The voice that I have that is critical and full of self doubt wants me to stay miserable because then she can stay in charge. She will fight down and dirty to remain in charge, and will not give up her power without a fight. In fact, I need to remember that the louder she gets and the meaner she is is only happening because I am grower stronger than her and her grip on my being is becoming less powerful.
As I begin to exercise each day and as I begin to really make some great food choices for myself - as I begin to carve out a piece of my day just for me to journal and read and pray - as I grow stronger mentally, physically, spiritually - that critical voice is going to invite her friends over such as loneliness to try and bring me down.
It is up to me, and me alone to decide what I am going to do about that. Am I going to allow those negative emotions to over take my life? Or am I going to allow them in, process them, and then find a way to release them?
What am I gonna do about it? I am going to tell Loneliness that I appreciate her visit, but instead of letting her set up a residence in my heart I am going to thank her for her visit and let her know that she best be on her way because I have a new life to make here, and I am not going to let the likes of her stop me. If I made wonderful friends once - and if my children made wonderful friends once - then surely we can do it again. It will take some effort and most likely some time, but it can be done. It will be done.
THAT is what I am going to do about it.
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