The Waiting Place...Again.

I never envisioned that I would struggle with a move that our family would make on our journey of adventure. I always thought that I would love each and every destination and that I would be able to see the beauty and purpose of wherever each job opportunity took us. I always thought that moving would be easy because the excitement of the next move and the adventure that lie ahead would outweigh all of the hard stuff such as leaving friends and loved ones behind.

The reality of that vision is bit different than I imagined it to be.

I struggle almost daily here. I cannot wait for the next opportunity to present itself so that we can move out of this area. I know that so many people probably think I am crazy because this part of the country is such a desired and sought after location, but it has long ago been verified that I am not of the norm and what most people love and desire are not usually what I love and desire. (Bob and I talk about moving to a different part of the Portland area to see if it is just the neighborhood we live in that we don't like or the area as a whole. This is something that could be done relatively easy since we chose to rent this time around. I think when our lease is up in June we will have a better understanding of how much longer we will be here and will be able to see if it makes sense to move ourselves to a different spot or if we should just wait in this space a bit longer until we ship out to the next opportunity.)

And so I wait...and waiting is hard for me because I am a very impatient person. I can remember years ago when Bob was on his temporary job assignment in Chicago feeling the exact same way. I remember feeling stuck. I remember questioning if the life I was leading was all that my life was going to amount to. I remember feeling frustrated. And just when I got to a point (at least the best I could anyway) where I was able to just be okay with where I was the opportunity of a lifetime opened up and we began our journey to Las Cruces. There was a lot of questioning God prior to getting the Las Cruces job. There were job opportunities that we tried for, but did not get. And it was hard. Looking back on it all I know that God knew what he was doing (Duh!) because shortly after another job opportunity did not pan out Sarah got sick. We needed to be in Ohio during that time. We needed our friends and family beside us during that time. We couldn't have gotten through what we did without them. While going through everything that we did with Sarah we didn't really even think too much about moving for good solid year. And then one day, out of the blue, I just got this feeling that it was time. It was time to seek adventure and to show our kids that family and friends will be family and friends no natter where we are. It was time to expose them to all that this country has to offer. It was time to show them not to be afraid to try new things and see new sights and meet new people to love. I told Bob about my feeling that it was time and let him process that information as he is always a bit slower than I am at making life changing decisions. I guess that is our personalities showing.  One night after he had come home from work Bob opened up what was to be our new life by telling me that a job opportunity was open in Las Cruces. Within a week's time the job had been posted for, three interviews were done, an offer was extended, and the Gregg's were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime.

When we moved to Las Cruces we had an agreement that we would bebop around for as long as the kids were okay with it. We knew as a homeschooling family that we had an advantage to living this nomadic life because even though a lot of the kids lives would change with each move the core of their lives would very much remain the same.

After having lived through that waiting place once before and knowing that God knew what He was doing by keeping me in Cuyahoga Falls for as long as He did I know that my struggles with living here are not for naught. I know that I will see the purpose behind my struggles here at some point in my life. I know that I will be able to look back and have an 'aha' moment where it all makes sense.

I am just not there yet. And it is hard.

I am struggling right now with feeling like I have left pieces of myself in both Ohio and New Mexico. I hope I am wrong in this thought, but I feel like I will never be whole again because even if I moved back to New Mexico I would always miss the pieces of me that I left behind in Ohio. If we moved back to Ohio I would miss the pieces of me that I left behind in New Mexico. I can feel the empty spaces of myself. They are heavy inside of me.

This is not to say that I am not enjoying some aspects of living here.  There is beauty to be had. I just have to continually seek it out instead of it being readily available in my own backyard. And, to be honest, even though I am struggling here I do not regret moving here because being here is part of my life's journey. There are lessons to be had and there are things I will bring with me forever from living here.

I just wish I had all of the answers right now. Sometimes I don't like God's timeline for things. I wish I knew how long we would be here for. I wish I knew what lessons I am supposed to bring away from this experience. I wish I knew why God brought us here.

I think the one thing that brings me hope is that even though living in the waiting place the first time years ago was really hard the aftermath was beautiful. It was almost as if God was holding me back for various reasons trying to keep me steady, and then when the time was right he let me go and I flourished and grew and blossomed. I hope that this experience is going to be very much the same. I hope that God is holding me in the waiting place so that whatever needs to unfold in front of my life can, and then when the time is right, God will let me go to grow and blossom again in the time that is still yet to come. That first time I experienced what God had in store for me after being held in the waiting place is something I will never forget. It was life changing and soul stretching and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I know that the same thing is going on right now. This thought and the hope that I carry around in my heart are what sustain me during these hard times.

I know that everything will make sense in time. It is just so hard for me to live in the waiting place. But the aftermath of this time will be so worth it in the end.

Our Visit to the Roloff Farm

Our family had a chance to visit the Roloff family farm yesterday. For those of you not familiar with the family they have a show on TLC entitled Little People, Big World.  I was excited to see a famous family and picked their farm solely because of their show. Their farm is only open to the public during the month of October on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Yesterday was the only sunny Saturday we have had so far, and so I knew that the farm would get packed pretty quickly with everyone trying to get there to enjoy the farm without rain.

Our family got there around 11 am. The parking lot was already pretty full and pretty muddy. During our visit we got a chance to see almost all of the family and their spouses. The family was all around on the property giving tours, signing jars of salsa, helping the Will Call table, etc...I made a decision once we got on the farm to NOT take pictures of the family despite multiple opportunities to do so. I made this conscience decision because I saw how other people were acting and how they behaved in a way that almost made the Roloff family seem inhuman. People were demanding pictures of Zach and telling him how much they loved his wife.(Because we all know her so well, since we see her on a TV show, right?) Or they were crowding around Amy requesting that she sign their jar of salsa over and over again. And I just thought...these are people. Just because they choose to show us a part of their life on television doesn't mean that they owe it to me to allow me to demand anything from them. It doesn't mean that they are here for us to yell at them and make comments to them that would never be made to another stranger. Because that is what they are to all of us. They are strangers. I wouldn't take a picture of a stranger and show it to people, so why would I take a picture of a celebrity? They are just people. And had I not gone to this farm and seen how we, the general public, behave around celebrities I wouldn't have felt this way. I would have thought that these people put their lives out for the public to see and therefore their job is to allow the public to do as we please with them. When I left the farm I felt bad for them. I felt bad for them because of how rude we are.  Certainly, they were gracious and kind which seemed to make the public all the more demanding of them.

In the end, I took pictures of their farm. Our family purchased tickets to enjoy their farm and we did so. Their property is absolutely beautiful and peaceful. I don't know that I would go back again to their farm as it is mainly catered to little kiddos. They do a nice job of creating a space for little ones to enjoy some Halloween fun. There wasn't too much to do for us bigger people except gawk at the Roloff family and after a very short while I realized how demeaning doing that is to another human being and so I stopped.

Going to their farm was a good lesson for me. It was another reminder that no matter what our station in life we are all the same at our core. The Golden Rule flooded my mind while visiting that farm, and it has been playing over and over in my mind ever since.

The entrance to their farm. Already we were waiting in line for a short while to get in and the farm had just opened up an hour earlier. 

Quintessential farm land. It was beautiful. 

The main house where Amy lives. This is the house you mainly see on their TV show. 

An ark they are building to be open to the public next fall. 

A peacock that has made its home in one of the many barns on the property. 

Part of our ticket price granted us a tour of the farm. A lot of what you see on TV is off limits to the public which is too bad because it looks like it would be so much fun to use. 

Home to their 3 Little Pigs...

This was the gazebo where Zach and his wife were married. The scenery around the gazebo is stunning. 

This barn is over 100 years old and was beautiful. 

This was a tiny village the Roloff Family has set up on their property. As part of the tour we were granted access to the village for about 5 minutes before we had to get back on the wagon and finish the tour. It was really a cute little town. 

This tree house was built so that the tree can continue to grow without having the treehouse impede that growth. It was off limits to the public, but really, really cool looking. 

This castle was also off limits to the general public. We were only able to drive by it during our tour. It looked really cool. 

This is called the Bridge to Nowhere because it doesn't go anywhere, but it on a registry of bridges in the state of Oregon. 

Time for some fun...

Both of my boys are now taller than me. I love these guys with all of my heart. They are two of the coolest young men you will ever, ever meet.  

Two Years In

On October 22, 2014 the kids and I boarded a plane in Cleveland, Ohio bound for El Paso, Texas. We said good-bye to my family and headed out for the beginning of our life of adventure beginning in Las Cruces, New Mexico. We had committed our lives to seeing where Bob's job took us. We were looking down the barrel of a life of seeing new sights and things we would never be able to experience had we stayed in Ohio.

I remember my heart feeling torn in two when we boarded that plane. I remember feeling so sad for those loved ones I was leaving behind. I also remember being so, so excited to move to land of sunshine and enchantment. When we touched down in El Paso and deplaned I remember feeling the warmth of the air on my skin. The scenery was okay. It was different, but it was nothing special. BUT...as I followed Bob back to Las Cruces in our rental cars and saw the Organ Mountains for the first time I instantly fell in love. It was immediate and pure. It was a forever and always kind of love. That night we stayed in a hotel as we were not closing on our house until the next day. When we woke up that next morning I remember jumping out of bed and peeking out at the mountains to see if they really were as beautiful as I remembered them to be the night before. Lo and behold they were. The sun was rising behind them and cast those mountains in a halo of light. As hard as it was to leave family and friends behind, I just knew that we made the right choice. We then spent the morning getting ready to meet Bob to sign the paperwork for our new house. I remember being heartsick for my family and my "son" from another mother, Boorman. I can remember texting him while he was in school (a big no-no) and just wanting to pack him up and bring him down to New Mexico with us. (I still wish I could bring him with us. He is very much missed.) And after that...the rest is history. New Mexico cast a spell on me and I was (and will be) forever under its enchantment.

We knew going into the whole New Mexico opportunity that we would not there very long. We did not anticipate being there as short of a time that we were. We thought we would be there between 2-3 years, not the mere 19 months we were. When the opportunity presented itself to move to the Pacific Northwest we took it. We knew that we loved the Southwest very much and just figured that the Pacific Northwest would capture our hearts as well, but in a different way. We also knew that we wanted to expose the kids to as much of this country as we could. We've lived in the Midwest, the Southwest, and now the Northwest. That's pretty cool when I think about it.

When we realized that the job in Portland was going to work out we decided to drive instead of fly from Las Cruces to Portland. We wanted to see as much of the west as we could. We wanted the adventure of making that drive, and it did not disappoint. Durango, Colorado. Salt Lake City, Utah. Boise, Idaho. All of those stops were amazing in terms of their scenery and the beauty that we saw. I remember driving along the Columbia River for the last couple of hours of our trip knowing that I was driving in Oregon, but looking out and seeing Washington right outside my window. As the desert gave way to the forest and tall pine trees that the Pacific Northwest is known for I loved what I saw. I had missed trees and these trees were magnificent. These trees demanded respect. As did the mountains beyond.

These last two years have not disappointed us. We have grown and changed and experienced more than I could have ever hoped for. I cannot believe all that has happened in those two years. It seems like a lifetime ago that we lived in Ohio, but it's really only been such a short time. In 24 months we have lived in three states. That is a lot of moving. That is a lot of memories.

There are certain dates that will be tattooed on my heart forever: 05/05/00, 09/28/01, 05/25/02, 12/01/04, 08/17/06, 05/18/13, and now 10/22/14. These dates are all significant because they changed my life forever. As hard of a time as I am having to adjusting to life in Portland - I am also thankful for my time here because I have seen great beauty and experienced things in these 4 months that I never would have had we not allowed Bob's job to take us where ever we were asked to go.

I will always be go grateful for all the places we have seen and all of the people we have gotten to meet and love because of our love of adventure and our willingness to say 'yes' to where ever the job opportunity may blow us.

I am curious to see what the next two years bring. Time, as it always does, will tell.

In Transition

Believe it or not, I have a hard time with transitions. As adventurous as I am and as willing as I am to try new things I struggle with the aftermath of the decisions made leading to a change in my life. This actually has come to a surprise to me as I have stumbled upon this realization recently. I like it when I buy into the illusion that life is in a place steady place of sameness and of unchanging routine. I like knowing what to expect and what is going to happen next. I like the feeling of ease and comfort a steady life with (seemingly) little change brings. But the older get and the more experience I have under my belt I wonder if I am not fooling myself. After all, just because I cannot see the transition of every day life  doesn't mean it's not happening. Kids don't magically age another year without first living the 364 days prior slowly making subtle changes each and every day until finally you look at your beloved on his/her birthday and think, "Man, so-and-so has changed so much this past year". The same could be said of our own lives. We don't just turn another year older after having experienced no change what-so-ever in our lives.  No, we look back and think, "Man, that year flew by. Look at all that happened." or something similar to that.

Often we are only looking for the big changes in our lives when we think of being in transition: a move to a new house or a new state, a new job, quitting a job to stay home with kids, a death in the family, a divorce, a new baby, a marriage. With these changes we know that a transition is coming and we brace ourselves for that change either with open arms or with clenched fists. But how do we handle these little changes that occur daily that we don't even recognize? Children grow, we lose weight, we gain weight, we lose touch with friends, we make new friends, we grow closer to a spouse, we grow apart from a spouse, we get out of debt, we go into debt, we accomplish our dreams, we change dreams because they are no longer what we truly desire. All of these things don't usually happen over night. They are slow burners until one day we look and we notice that our lives are now different for some reason and we didn't even recognize the changes as they were happening.

With all of the changes going on in our life right now: adjusting to a another move in a new state, me going back to work part time, the kids learning to adapt to a new city with new friends, a new job for Bobby I will not lie and say that I am not struggling a bit. It seems like our family's life right now is one big huge major transition. All the moving parts are hard to balance and feel overwhelming sometimes.



But when I stop and really think about it I take comfort in the fact that most of the time when I am not facing big transitions it doesn't mean my life is not changing because it is still changing - just more subtly. If I can make it through those times without even really knowing that a change is going on then surely I can make it through an obvious time of transition. I just have to focus on one day at a time. Small transitions are daily living where I am not focusing on the long term or 25 things at one time. It is me just focusing on the needs of my family for that one day. It is making meals with the kids. Or doing school work with them. Or carting a kid here or there. Or reading a good book to them. It is answering questions. Or playing games with them. Or doing housework or laundry. Or planning our next weekend adventure.  It is doing all of the things that make up a life.

The small transitions that take place in my life everyday do not include thoughts like:

"What are the kids going to do with me working?"
"How is this going to affect them?"
"Will they be okay?"
"Will my employer schedule me for more than the hours that I asked them to?"
"How am I going to do all that I do right now PLUS work 10-20 hours per week on top of that?"
"How am I going to make it through an entire winter and spring with this dreary weather when I am already ready to lose my mind and we have only had 3 weeks of gray skies?!"
"Will I ever love living in Portland?"
"Why don't I love living in Portland - everyone else does?"
"Will I ever find my tribe here among these people in a town that celebrates flaunting material wealth - something I despise?"
"Will  all of my children adjust to this life?"
"How long are we are we going to be here for?"
"When will I be able to go back to Las Cruces?"
"Why do I love Las Cruces so much?"
"Why does it hurt my heart a little bit every time I see a picture of Las Cruces?
"When am I ever going to "get over" Las Cruces?"


And on and on the questions go...

Because I am so focused on all of these big transition thoughts my life feels overwhelming to me. When I get really overwhelmed and am forced to stop and just sit for a second to gather my thoughts and catch my breath I remember something that is instrumental in my life and it is this: Life is just a matter of perspective. It really, really is. What I see and think is what my life becomes. If I see an overwhelmed life with tons of big transitions happening then my life will become overwhelming. If I focus on the big issues instead of the day to day issues then my life will become full of big issues instead of day to day ones. (Which for me is a huge problem because I am a firm believer in the saying that how I spend my moments is how I spend my life.)

Instead, if I focus on the day to day things then the big issues don't seem so big anymore. If I focus on being thankful for the ability to move around the country and explore and experience it then the thoughts of, "When are we going to move again.", or "I miss Las Cruces so much.", or "Why don't I like Portland more?"will fade away. Instead of focusing on the big issue things, but instead focus on the day to day life and be grateful for what I have - I instead think these thoughts instead: "We will move when we are meant to move again.", and "Thank you, God, for allowing me to find a place in this country that I love as much as Las Cruces. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to live there for 19 months.", and "What can I find in the Portland area  that I love? What are the things that speak to me our here in the Pacific Northwest?"

The truth is while I spend my time so focused on all of these big life transitions every single day little life transitions are happening. And to me, those life transitions are a million more times important than the big ticket stuff that is going to work itself out anyway. I struggle with remembering this. (Which I am wondering if feeling so overwhelmed is God's purpose for me right now because I am forced to think solely of the day to day life. Otherwise, I would just melt into a puddle of depressed overwhelmment. Yes, I just made up that word.)

I am also a firm believer that everything in my life happens for a reason. Each chapter of my life is building a story that will be needed in the chapters that follow the one I am currently living in. I try to remember this frequently because there is a reason for all of these big transitions in my life. And even though I don't know those reasons right now I know they will be presented to me at the right time. My job  is to  just focus on the important day to day stuff full of children growing and learning, trips taken and memories made because in the months of December, May, and August when my children each turn another year older I will look back at that preceding year and be amazed at how different our lives are. And those differences were made in a million small transitions that happened quietly and subtly day in and day out.

A Shining Star

 I think it is fair to say that Sarah is one of the most resilient and amazing people you will ever meet. She is a shining star in a sea of doubt and uncertainty. She is a beacon of light in a world that seems all wrong sometimes. She is beautiful and kind and thoughtful and wise beyond her 11 years on this earth. The grace and poise in which she is able to handle her illness is what honestly carried me through some of my toughest times since her diagnosis in May of 2013.

Right now, our Sarah is attending the National Federation of the Blind's state conference in Eugene, Oregon. She is currently attending classes with her dad at the convention on a wide variety of topics. Tomorrow morning at 10 am pst she will be the convention's guest speaker speaking about her experiences at the Bell Academy, a camp which she attended this past summer that focuses on Braille literacy. She has been practicing her speech all week. Trying to remember her lines and speak slowly and clearly. She wrote the speech all by herself asking for very little input from me. She did a great job.

 Bob will also be speaking at the convention. He is going to talk about the positive way in which the Bell Academy changed Sarah's life. How it has made her more outgoing and independent and how good it was for her to be in the presence of blind adults who were successful in their own rights at living their lives just as you or I would.

Sarah is also going to be able to meet up with a couple of the kids she met at the camp. One of whom is a 5 year old little boy who just adores her. He lights up when he knows that Sarah is nearby. His little face smiles from ear to ear and his soft little voice will call her name with such adoration it makes my heart melt. It is good for her to feel his love and to know that she is a role model for him. She is excited to be spending the weekend with her dad and excited to see the camp counselors again and also some of the kids she attended camp with.

I think that Sarah forgets, or perhaps doesn't even realize, how much of a role model she is to so many of us. She lives her life to the utmost of her ability and doesn't take things for granted the way you or I do.  She perseveres despite the mountains placed in front of her and climbs to the peak one step at a time. Things that you or I would crumble at the thought of doing she just does them with a quiet assurance that astounds me.

She doesn't let blindness tell her what she cannot do. Instead she tells her blindness what she will do despite the potential difficulties having no vision presents to her. Riding a horse? Check. Hiking? Check. Gymnastics? Check. Soccer? Check. (In the first few months of her disease she still played on her soccer team despite being in the beginning stages of losing her vision.) Ride a bicycle? Check. Cross the street on her own? Check. Read a book? Check. (In Braille, of course.)

 I truly believe that there is (just about) nothing she cannot do in the life. She will be whoever she chooses to be. She will do it with grace and dignity. She will amaze us all. And while she is living her life doing her thing she will be giving off a glow that only Sarah can. Her light will be shining for all of us to see. She is, after all, a shining star.

I have a feeling that this speaking engagement is only the first of many to come as she grows because she is such a beacon of Hope and such an inspiration to us all that others are going to want her to shine her light on them. Shine on, my love. Shine on.