The reality of that vision is bit different than I imagined it to be.
I struggle almost daily here. I cannot wait for the next opportunity to present itself so that we can move out of this area. I know that so many people probably think I am crazy because this part of the country is such a desired and sought after location, but it has long ago been verified that I am not of the norm and what most people love and desire are not usually what I love and desire. (Bob and I talk about moving to a different part of the Portland area to see if it is just the neighborhood we live in that we don't like or the area as a whole. This is something that could be done relatively easy since we chose to rent this time around. I think when our lease is up in June we will have a better understanding of how much longer we will be here and will be able to see if it makes sense to move ourselves to a different spot or if we should just wait in this space a bit longer until we ship out to the next opportunity.)
And so I wait...and waiting is hard for me because I am a very impatient person. I can remember years ago when Bob was on his temporary job assignment in Chicago feeling the exact same way. I remember feeling stuck. I remember questioning if the life I was leading was all that my life was going to amount to. I remember feeling frustrated. And just when I got to a point (at least the best I could anyway) where I was able to just be okay with where I was the opportunity of a lifetime opened up and we began our journey to Las Cruces. There was a lot of questioning God prior to getting the Las Cruces job. There were job opportunities that we tried for, but did not get. And it was hard. Looking back on it all I know that God knew what he was doing (Duh!) because shortly after another job opportunity did not pan out Sarah got sick. We needed to be in Ohio during that time. We needed our friends and family beside us during that time. We couldn't have gotten through what we did without them. While going through everything that we did with Sarah we didn't really even think too much about moving for good solid year. And then one day, out of the blue, I just got this feeling that it was time. It was time to seek adventure and to show our kids that family and friends will be family and friends no natter where we are. It was time to expose them to all that this country has to offer. It was time to show them not to be afraid to try new things and see new sights and meet new people to love. I told Bob about my feeling that it was time and let him process that information as he is always a bit slower than I am at making life changing decisions. I guess that is our personalities showing. One night after he had come home from work Bob opened up what was to be our new life by telling me that a job opportunity was open in Las Cruces. Within a week's time the job had been posted for, three interviews were done, an offer was extended, and the Gregg's were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime.
When we moved to Las Cruces we had an agreement that we would bebop around for as long as the kids were okay with it. We knew as a homeschooling family that we had an advantage to living this nomadic life because even though a lot of the kids lives would change with each move the core of their lives would very much remain the same.
After having lived through that waiting place once before and knowing that God knew what He was doing by keeping me in Cuyahoga Falls for as long as He did I know that my struggles with living here are not for naught. I know that I will see the purpose behind my struggles here at some point in my life. I know that I will be able to look back and have an 'aha' moment where it all makes sense.
I am just not there yet. And it is hard.
I am struggling right now with feeling like I have left pieces of myself in both Ohio and New Mexico. I hope I am wrong in this thought, but I feel like I will never be whole again because even if I moved back to New Mexico I would always miss the pieces of me that I left behind in Ohio. If we moved back to Ohio I would miss the pieces of me that I left behind in New Mexico. I can feel the empty spaces of myself. They are heavy inside of me.
This is not to say that I am not enjoying some aspects of living here. There is beauty to be had. I just have to continually seek it out instead of it being readily available in my own backyard. And, to be honest, even though I am struggling here I do not regret moving here because being here is part of my life's journey. There are lessons to be had and there are things I will bring with me forever from living here.
I just wish I had all of the answers right now. Sometimes I don't like God's timeline for things. I wish I knew how long we would be here for. I wish I knew what lessons I am supposed to bring away from this experience. I wish I knew why God brought us here.
I think the one thing that brings me hope is that even though living in the waiting place the first time years ago was really hard the aftermath was beautiful. It was almost as if God was holding me back for various reasons trying to keep me steady, and then when the time was right he let me go and I flourished and grew and blossomed. I hope that this experience is going to be very much the same. I hope that God is holding me in the waiting place so that whatever needs to unfold in front of my life can, and then when the time is right, God will let me go to grow and blossom again in the time that is still yet to come. That first time I experienced what God had in store for me after being held in the waiting place is something I will never forget. It was life changing and soul stretching and it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I know that the same thing is going on right now. This thought and the hope that I carry around in my heart are what sustain me during these hard times.
I know that everything will make sense in time. It is just so hard for me to live in the waiting place. But the aftermath of this time will be so worth it in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment