February Reading List

I read a lot of books again this month. I feel like I am devouring them at a faster rate than ever before. I love how no matter how many books I read there are still so many out there that I have not read. Often I will find my next books to read based on authors or books referred to by the current authors I am reading. This leads me down a pretty cool path of books that I almost always seem to enjoy immensely.

Right now I am really interested in the female lives in the Middle East. I have read some really great books on the topic this being one of them. 

The world that we live in, and the policies shaped by people's religious beliefs always astounds me. This book is just one of the many reasons that organized religion of any kind tends to scare me off. 

I stumbled on this book in Barnes and Noble recently and knew that I had to read it. I borrowed it from the local library (as I do with almost all of the books I present in these posts) and just found it to be an enjoyable read. 

I read Ree's book half a dozen years ago or so and found it to be an easy read. I came back to it after reading some heavy books on women's lives in the middle east. I was able to read this in about two days and found it (and Wild) to be the perfect books to take my mind off of the atrocities that women in the Middle East live in and with on a daily basis.

I ready Cheryl's book while I lived in Portland (I think). I have also walked on the Pacific Crest Trail although only for a few seconds while visiting Timberline Lodge on Mt Hood. I like books with strong female characters and this book definitely fits the bill. I needed an easy read and this was another book that I was able to read in just a couple of days.  

A new fascination of mine is long distance running - particularly ultra-marathon runners. I think because this world is so foreign to me I really enjoy reading about it. In fact, I have another book I am going to begin in the next day or so about another ultra-marathon runner. 

I have a deep fear/respect for the ocean. The thought of being in the middle of the ocean - stranded - is one of the top three most terrifying experiences I can think of. I was captivated by this book. 

I have seen this book for years and years and just never got around to reading it. I finally did so and am glad that I did. I read two books this month centered around the Appalachian trail.  I am wondering if there is a new theme in my reading life about to pop up...

January books read - 7
February books read - 8
2020 total - 15

The Day God Died

A year ago today, Sarah had her first seizure.

A year ago today, God died in my life.

Up until last year I have always been a believer in God. I may not have always gone to church or seemed very faithful, but I have always believed. I felt closest to God in nature. I saw him everywhere and felt his presence acutely in the desert, on mountaintops, by the ocean, in the forests...

Sarah's first seizure happened in the middle of a forest on a walking trail surrounded by nature. The irony of this is not lost on me.

There are moments in every persons life that they will be able to recall down to the minutest detail for the remainder of their time on earth. Lifting my head to the heavens and screaming for God to help me, to help Sarah, and feeling nothing but vast emptiness and being completely alone is one of these moments for me.

I knew in that very instant as my plea went unanswered that the God I had believed in for as long as I can remember was not real.

For weeks after Sarah's initial seizure I was so devastated about the loss of a belief in God. It broke my heart and the shattered pieces were unable to be put back together again. I mourned the loss of God in my life like a death of someone I had known for my whole life. I felt as if I had lost someone intimate and close to me.

When I am in nature now its magic gone for me. I didn't realize just how much God dwelled in those wild spaces until I realized he was nothing but a figment of my imagination; a kind of Santa Claus.

There are those in my life who believe in God still and try to sooth me and convince me of his realness. I know that their words are shared with good intentions, but they do not penetrate into my heart though. I read the words they write and listen to the words they speak, but it is as if a foreign language is being spoken. The words have no meaning to me.

For a while after Sarah's seizure I read my bible and tried to speak with God, but I found that this practice was pointless as the spell of my belief was broken. To this day I will catch myself talking to God, but then quickly realize I am talking to nothing but the air as God is not real. The disappointment of this awareness is astounding. My bubble of certain belief has been burst, replaced instead by the understanding that it was all smoke and mirrors.

I find myself searching and searching for something bigger than myself to believe in, to hold on to, but I cannot find anything but darkness and a great void. I do not know if the God I once believed in will resurrect himself. All I know is that God is dead in my life and, as of right now, I don't think he is ever going to come back.

Sundays with Sarah

She spends a lot of time curled up in a ball headphones in her ears being taken away to another world of her choosing. She can close her eyes and imagine the places these authors take her. In these moments she is anyone and everyone else. She is whole and well; she is not reminded of her broken pieces.

As her mama, I want to allow her the space to be transported to other worlds. I, myself, am an avid reader. I love the places the pages take me to as well. Like her, reading is one of my favorite things to do. I have loved reading my whole life.

But sometimes I worry about her reading too much. Being taken away from this life to others of our own choosing is a good thing, I believe anyway; it grows us and allows us to expand our minds to all of the possibilities offered outside of our own small lives. Too much of anything isn't good and over time, I have noticed that this is the only thing she seems to do at the house, and I know this is not good.

So I offer her an opportunity to head with me to the bookstore every Sunday morning. She agrees and I know she is excited when I go to wake her up in the morning and find that she has woken herself up and is getting ready in the bathroom. This does not happen - hardly ever. Mornings are hard for her and waking up takes time. This occasion must mean more to her than I know.

We sit at the tables provided and drink delicious fancy warm drinks. She with her laptop and me with my journal. Each writing away all of our hopes and dreams, our successes and discouragements. She loves this opportunity to get away from the house. When it is time to go she hesitates wanting to stay longer. This tells me that I have hit on something important to her.

We talk little in the bookstore. We are comfortable with one another and there are no need for words. Just being together is enough. Once our writing is done, we peruse the aisles filled with books. I read her all of the titles of authors I think she might like. When she is interested I read her the summary of the books the author has written. She files them away in her memory to access them when she gets home and pulls them up via audiobook.

We spend multiple hours at the bookstore and then head to Panera to grab a bowl of our favorite broccoli cheddar soup. We chit-chat about this and that; She tell me how much fun she has had and that she hopes we can do this again.

I smile as I know that Sundays with Sarah has officially begun.

Gray Days

The house is quiet this morning. Two of the kids are still sleeping. One of them is out with his girlfriend, and another is with her dad at an indoor soccer game. As is tradition, after the indoor game is over, they will head to a local music store where they will look at instruments and dream of a time when wish list items can actually be purchased.

As I sit here and write there are chores that need to be done. I have been neglecting them as this dreary February weather always seems to pull me in any other direction except for what needs to be done. My 'to do' list gets longer and longer with each passing day as I find myself yearning for the warmth of the sun and the strength and inspiration it always seems to bring me.

February and March are the hardest months of the year for me. Even in the land of the sun, I found that there were a couple of weeks where I felt out of sorts and when I spoke of my feeling to a native Las Crucian (and self described "desert rat") she pointed out the month of the year. She felt out of sorts for a bit each February as well. Living in places where the sun doesn't shine as often only makes these early months of the new year all that much harder. Living in a land where the sun does not shine as often as in the desert those weeks of feeling a bit off turn into months. I find myself desperately seeking any glimmer of light that makes its way through the clouds no matter how strong the rays or for how long I feel its warmth.  I wonder if this is what an addict feels like? The desperation, the yearning, the seeking...

There was a time in my life when I didn't realize that my feelings were tied solely to the calendar. I thought I would feel this desperation for the light for ever. Now I know better, but it only eases the yearning slightly. The tunnel of darkness still appears incredibly long.

I know I am not alone in my thoughts as I knew of people in Ohio and Oregon who needed to feel the light of the sun as well. I am sure there are people in Indiana who impatiently await the passing of this time of year just like I do; although I have never had a conversation with anyone about it, so I can only guess at this. 

I am hoping that the busyness of life will help to pass the days of February and March. It certainly helped last year, and not just in those two months; the whole year seemed to fly by. If I am certain of anything, I know that time keeps marching on. I know that February will end and so will March. In the meantime I will take each day as it comes and give myself the grace I need to make it through to the end. 

January's Reading List

At the turn of the new year I made a commitment to myself to try and read 50 books this year. In an effort to turn away from electronics (I am still not on Facebook and I deleted my Instagram account about a month ago too in an effort to cut back on unnecessary electronic time) I decided to focus that newly found time on reading. This month this commitment has paid off in spades as I was able to read 7 books. I am drawn to history books, so it should be no surprise that a few of those turned up on January's reading list. I also have returned to some authors that I haves been drawn to in the past like Elizabeth Gilbert. My latest interest is running, particularly ultra-marathon running. Runners inspire me and awe me. Ultra-marathon runners are like mini gods in my world.

Without further ado here are the books I read in January:

This book is amazing. I find that I am really drawn to books on the Middle East and it's treatment of women. I could definitely see myself reading this book again.

Again - a good read. I would recommend this to anyone interested in running. 

Loved reading the history of  'the other woman' across different cultures and times. 

Glad I read this book, but I probably wouldn't read it again. 

This book was a re-read for me. I was at a point this month where I read through all of the library books I had picked up and was waiting for more to come in. I selected this from my own bookshelf as I awaited for February's books to come in. 

I finished reading City of Girls in December and realized that I hadn't had enough of an Elizabeth Gilbert fix, so I went back and re-read this gem. There are some authors that I imagine I will re-read their works multiple times over the course of my life; Elizabeth Gilbert is definitely one of those authors. I love her style of writing. 

Of all of the books I read this was probably my least favorite. It wasn't awful, but it just didn't captivate me like all of the other books I read this month.