I am going to put this blog on hold until next week because we have a realtor coming to look at our house on Friday. If the conditions are favorable, we are thinking of putting it on the market. I will be spending the next couple of days getting some loose ends together, so that I don't have to worry on Friday about this and that.
I have decided to go in a new direction with my blog (I will still include some of the old style posts about the kids and things). I am a bit of a rare bird in my community, and several people have approached me with questions about how I do certain things. For example: I am a vegan, I am a stay at home mom, I make my own cleaning products, I have a Family Management Book, I make my own pizza crust, bread (both sandwich and dinner), breakfast items, snacks, etc...from scratch. Now, I know that I am not the only person in the world, nor even my community that does this, but I am one of the only people in my circle of friends that does this kind of a thing, and I thought that I would share my recipes and tips on how I do things. I know that some people would love to incorporate some of what I do into their lives they are just not sure how to get started. So, stay tuned for next week.
Happy rest of your week, and weekend!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
A Delicate Balance
I have been feeling a little out of sorts again lately. I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, nor exercising. I haven't been taking time each day to journal or read or any of the other things I like to do to "sharpen the saw" (as Stephen Covey would say). I have been irritable and withdrawn and I can feel that I have built a stone wall around my heart again blocking both my husband and children out.
I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks. So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?
So, this got me to thinking (surprise, surprise) about how delicately balanced my life is, and needs to be in order to feel at peace within. How one minor change or adjustment will change the course of so many things in my life. Kind of like the Butterfly Effect. If I do not respect this delicate balance then my whole life gets thrown off course ever so slightly. What may seem like a trivial thing - like journaling for example - is really important to the psyche of my life. I shouldn't be so flippant about it, and think -"Oh, no big deal if I cannot journal today. I'll just get to it tomorrow." The thing is that "tomorrow" something else pops up making it easy for me to push aside that important part of my life yet again. There are several things in my life that I push aside regularly that I shouldn't because even though each may appear as just a small part of it that can be set aside the reality is that those small things collectively create a big part of my life. A part of my life that when not tended to makes the other parts of my life - the really important parts like being a mother and wife off kilter.
Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.
When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.
I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks. So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?
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Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.
When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Beginning the Teenage Years
My oldest, Andy, is twelve and a half. I can tell that he is slowly changing - not just physically, but emotionally as well. I have noticed him trying to figure things out, thinking about big picture idea's, asking questions about "grown up" concepts, and questioning the value of current relationships to him as both new and old friends each go on their own journey towards adulthood.
Some of the changes I have seen don't surprise me on bit. Others I was not quite prepared for. I am grateful that I have worked for the last couple of years on being open with my kids, and allowing them to feel comfortable to come to me about any situation they would like to bring to my attention because that foundation will be very useful during these turbulent teenage years. Sometimes I wonder if some of the choices I make as a parent are really going to pay off in the end - being available to them for anything is going to pay off in a big way I can tell already.
I know that at his core, Andy will remain very much the same. It is just the details of himself that will change. He will no longer be "my Andyman", but rather just Andy - a person truly distinct and apart from me. On the one hand I am grateful that I get to walk near him on this journey towards adulthood, and to lend him a helping hand when he needs it. But I now see that I no longer can walk beside him because now is the time in his life when he needs work stuff out on his own. It is time for him to see if the foundation that Bob and I helped him build will support the structure that he will make on his own to create his own life. I hope that we have done him justice.
On the other hand, I am so very sad. You see, when we become parents, when I became a parent anyway, I thought that I would have my children as my own for many, many, many years, but really that is not the case. I have my children as my own for just a short while, and then they become teenagers and they want to spread their wings and figure things out for themselves. At this point they are no longer my babies - they are each becoming their own people - as they have been from the moment they were all born. They no longer need me as much, and rightfully so. But it doesn't make it any less easier for me. I wonder if Andy is going to be my hardest to let go because he is my oldest and my first child to go through this stage in life. I feel both heartbroken and pure joy. I am heartbroken because if I could, I would keep all of my children with me always. I admire them and love them all in a way that I cannot explain. I am so very joyful because I believe that my children are not my possessions, but gifts that have come from the Universe through me to the world. I cannot wait to see how each of children grows and leaves their imprint on those around them. How they each change the world.
I will let Andy go - I will allow him the space to grow, and become the beautiful, wonderful young man that I know he is destined to become, but I will always be there in the wings cheering him on all the way. I will let him fall because that too, is a part of life, but I will ALWAYS be there for him to support him in any way that will help on this journey called Life.
Some of the changes I have seen don't surprise me on bit. Others I was not quite prepared for. I am grateful that I have worked for the last couple of years on being open with my kids, and allowing them to feel comfortable to come to me about any situation they would like to bring to my attention because that foundation will be very useful during these turbulent teenage years. Sometimes I wonder if some of the choices I make as a parent are really going to pay off in the end - being available to them for anything is going to pay off in a big way I can tell already.
On the other hand, I am so very sad. You see, when we become parents, when I became a parent anyway, I thought that I would have my children as my own for many, many, many years, but really that is not the case. I have my children as my own for just a short while, and then they become teenagers and they want to spread their wings and figure things out for themselves. At this point they are no longer my babies - they are each becoming their own people - as they have been from the moment they were all born. They no longer need me as much, and rightfully so. But it doesn't make it any less easier for me. I wonder if Andy is going to be my hardest to let go because he is my oldest and my first child to go through this stage in life. I feel both heartbroken and pure joy. I am heartbroken because if I could, I would keep all of my children with me always. I admire them and love them all in a way that I cannot explain. I am so very joyful because I believe that my children are not my possessions, but gifts that have come from the Universe through me to the world. I cannot wait to see how each of children grows and leaves their imprint on those around them. How they each change the world.
I will let Andy go - I will allow him the space to grow, and become the beautiful, wonderful young man that I know he is destined to become, but I will always be there in the wings cheering him on all the way. I will let him fall because that too, is a part of life, but I will ALWAYS be there for him to support him in any way that will help on this journey called Life.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Opportunity Cost
A long time ago Bob and I were having a discussion about whether or not we would be willing to relocate if his present employer asked us to. We weighed the pros and cons, and still came up undecided. When I asked Bob what was holding him back from telling his employer that he was indeed mobile he simply said, "Opportunity Cost". At that time, I had no idea what this phrase meant, but he kindly explained the concept to me, and now it is something that I cannot get out of my mind. You see, an opportunity cost is all of the things that you give up - family, friends, your current community - when you move away from your current location. It is all of those things that you cannot take with you when you leave a place behind.
Since last December when we told Bob's employer that we were mobile I have always kept the thoughts of the opportunity cost in the back of my mind. I always told myself that if I found a great community here then I could find a great community somewhere else too. That is true - I could find a good, even a great, community somewhere else, but it also wouldn't be THIS community. Josh has a wonderful group of buddies that he has been friends with and played sports with for quite some time. There are about 8 or 9 families in this group, and all of us have children around the same age. His friends are all really good kids who have also included Andy in their fold, and now sometimes some of the boys will ask to see if Josh AND Andy can hang out. Almost all of the boys have younger sisters that are my girls age, and they too have become good friends over time. I have grown to love this group of boys, and all of the families that make up our "Soccer Family" gang. (All of the boys play on the same soccer team, and have for the last 4+ years.)
Being the second half of winter - the boys are currently playing indoor soccer as they have every winter for a number of years. As they were playing this past Saturday my heart grew sad because THIS is what I would be giving up if we left for somewhere else. I would be giving up the chest bumps that Josh gave his teammate who scored 3 amazing goals. I would be giving up watching his team cheer him on as HE scored two great goals. I would be giving up hearing our cheering section support each boy on the field as if he was their own. I would be giving up picnics and parties and memories made with a good group of people. My children, who are growing ever more entrenched in this community, are creating more and more memories and growing more and more roots. Is it fair for Bob and I to uproot them? Would their roots be able to take hold in another town in another state? Or would we damage them too much blinded by our own desire to provide them with more - more space in our home, more money for better vacations (or even A vacation), more money to be able to provide tangible assets. Doesn't that sound a little bit contradictory to EVERYTHING I am trying to teach my kids? To everything that I write about on this blog?
And that doesn't even include leaving our family! Does it seem to make sense that I am constantly preaching family first, and yet - I have been willing to jump at any opportunity that came along, like a damn nut - just to climb 1 more rung on what society has labeled the "success ladder"? That it took a friends nudging to see that I was being an ass reaching for something that CLEARLY the Universe was trying to keep out of my hands because the opportunity was not the right one for our family? What does that say about me as a person, a mother, a daughter a friend - that I am willing to take away my children and myself and my husband - who so many people love and adore - just so that I (although I should say 'we' b/c Bob is equally a part of this too) can afford the finer things in life? I don't have the answers to those questions right now. I know that some would argue that trying to create a better life for my family is not wrong - and I would agree with that. I would also agree though, that there is a time and a place for everything, and that maybe I am meant to stay here and raise my children in this community with their family surrounding them and supporting them. My family would do anything for my children. I have a sister whom I love so very much and a nephew and a niece who hold a such a special place in my heart. My sister is Elizabeth's best friend (as she lets me know from time to time) - who am I to take those very important people in my children's life and make them, at best, part time fixtures in their lives? How many memories will I be giving up creating with my family because I will be too far away to participate in those day-to-day activities.
I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. I think that when an opportunity presents itself that would require us to move out of the state - it will feel right in our hearts. It won't be something that we will have to talk ourselves into, like some of the opportunities we have chosen in the past (ahem...our current situation?). It will just present itself when we are least expecting it and we will know that it is the right opportunity not only for Bob and I, but for all of us.
I do think that there are some pros to leaving that cannot be overlooked. Job security is a big deal to us since I stay home with our children, and hope to do so for the foreseeable future. I want Bob to enjoy what he does and to be stimulated and challenged by his work. That doesn't happen if you stay in the same job doing the same thing year after year after year. I think that it would be pretty neat to expose my children to different parts of this country. Even though this is one big United States the different sections of our country couldn't be more different. I would like to allow them the opportunity to see and enjoy different cultures and ways of life. I would like to be able to provide a solid future for my kids - one in which they do not have thousands and thousands of dollars of student loan debt just so that they can get a college degree. I want to be able to take care of my parents. I want to be able to take them to all of the places they love - Cape Cod, the Grand Canyon - so that they can enjoy this life too. They have worked so hard all of their lives - I want them to be able to see the fruit of that labor. I would like to help provide them with some of that fruit sooner rather than later, so that they can enjoy it as much as they can.
I just have to have faith that the answers I am seeking will come. I have to be open to receiving them in whatever form they arrive for if I am keeping my eyes pointed in only one direction - the answers could have passed me by time and time again just outside my vision. Sometimes, I believe, that the answers we seek are in the places we are least likely to look or be open to receiving. I better start living with my arms wide open, so that I may catch all that the Universe has been trying to show me.
Since last December when we told Bob's employer that we were mobile I have always kept the thoughts of the opportunity cost in the back of my mind. I always told myself that if I found a great community here then I could find a great community somewhere else too. That is true - I could find a good, even a great, community somewhere else, but it also wouldn't be THIS community. Josh has a wonderful group of buddies that he has been friends with and played sports with for quite some time. There are about 8 or 9 families in this group, and all of us have children around the same age. His friends are all really good kids who have also included Andy in their fold, and now sometimes some of the boys will ask to see if Josh AND Andy can hang out. Almost all of the boys have younger sisters that are my girls age, and they too have become good friends over time. I have grown to love this group of boys, and all of the families that make up our "Soccer Family" gang. (All of the boys play on the same soccer team, and have for the last 4+ years.)
Being the second half of winter - the boys are currently playing indoor soccer as they have every winter for a number of years. As they were playing this past Saturday my heart grew sad because THIS is what I would be giving up if we left for somewhere else. I would be giving up the chest bumps that Josh gave his teammate who scored 3 amazing goals. I would be giving up watching his team cheer him on as HE scored two great goals. I would be giving up hearing our cheering section support each boy on the field as if he was their own. I would be giving up picnics and parties and memories made with a good group of people. My children, who are growing ever more entrenched in this community, are creating more and more memories and growing more and more roots. Is it fair for Bob and I to uproot them? Would their roots be able to take hold in another town in another state? Or would we damage them too much blinded by our own desire to provide them with more - more space in our home, more money for better vacations (or even A vacation), more money to be able to provide tangible assets. Doesn't that sound a little bit contradictory to EVERYTHING I am trying to teach my kids? To everything that I write about on this blog?
And that doesn't even include leaving our family! Does it seem to make sense that I am constantly preaching family first, and yet - I have been willing to jump at any opportunity that came along, like a damn nut - just to climb 1 more rung on what society has labeled the "success ladder"? That it took a friends nudging to see that I was being an ass reaching for something that CLEARLY the Universe was trying to keep out of my hands because the opportunity was not the right one for our family? What does that say about me as a person, a mother, a daughter a friend - that I am willing to take away my children and myself and my husband - who so many people love and adore - just so that I (although I should say 'we' b/c Bob is equally a part of this too) can afford the finer things in life? I don't have the answers to those questions right now. I know that some would argue that trying to create a better life for my family is not wrong - and I would agree with that. I would also agree though, that there is a time and a place for everything, and that maybe I am meant to stay here and raise my children in this community with their family surrounding them and supporting them. My family would do anything for my children. I have a sister whom I love so very much and a nephew and a niece who hold a such a special place in my heart. My sister is Elizabeth's best friend (as she lets me know from time to time) - who am I to take those very important people in my children's life and make them, at best, part time fixtures in their lives? How many memories will I be giving up creating with my family because I will be too far away to participate in those day-to-day activities.
I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. I think that when an opportunity presents itself that would require us to move out of the state - it will feel right in our hearts. It won't be something that we will have to talk ourselves into, like some of the opportunities we have chosen in the past (ahem...our current situation?). It will just present itself when we are least expecting it and we will know that it is the right opportunity not only for Bob and I, but for all of us.
I do think that there are some pros to leaving that cannot be overlooked. Job security is a big deal to us since I stay home with our children, and hope to do so for the foreseeable future. I want Bob to enjoy what he does and to be stimulated and challenged by his work. That doesn't happen if you stay in the same job doing the same thing year after year after year. I think that it would be pretty neat to expose my children to different parts of this country. Even though this is one big United States the different sections of our country couldn't be more different. I would like to allow them the opportunity to see and enjoy different cultures and ways of life. I would like to be able to provide a solid future for my kids - one in which they do not have thousands and thousands of dollars of student loan debt just so that they can get a college degree. I want to be able to take care of my parents. I want to be able to take them to all of the places they love - Cape Cod, the Grand Canyon - so that they can enjoy this life too. They have worked so hard all of their lives - I want them to be able to see the fruit of that labor. I would like to help provide them with some of that fruit sooner rather than later, so that they can enjoy it as much as they can.
I just have to have faith that the answers I am seeking will come. I have to be open to receiving them in whatever form they arrive for if I am keeping my eyes pointed in only one direction - the answers could have passed me by time and time again just outside my vision. Sometimes, I believe, that the answers we seek are in the places we are least likely to look or be open to receiving. I better start living with my arms wide open, so that I may catch all that the Universe has been trying to show me.
Monday, January 21, 2013
The Gift of Gratitude
I am currently reading a book called, 'Simple Abundance', by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It is a year long journey in which a daily passage is read that focuses on one aspect of life. There are 6 aspects that she focuses on the first one being gratitude. This book could not have helped me at a better time. I know that I have been worried about so much lately, but I am going to try and focus on what I DO have in my life right now. I have so much to be thankful for, and it is time that I start focusing on that. I am hoping that by starting a gratitude journal and jotting down 5 things that I am grateful for each night I can help to take my mind off all of the uncertainties of my future.
“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Whoring Ourselves Out
THAT got your attention now didn't it? Let me explain...
I was talking to a dear, dear friend today. The kind of friend that you know you can pick up the phone and talk to her for just a couple of minutes or hours on end after not having talked to her for weeks or months, and it seems just like you spoke with each other an hour ago. The kind of friend that just gets you - all of you - even the parts of yourself that you don't quite get yet. She is the kind of friend that will see you through the pits of hell, not by pulling you through, but by walking side by side with you allowing you to work through your own struggles and demons and troubles all the while offering the support you so desperately need. She is the friend that shares in your joys as they were her own. She is the rare gem that you only find but a handful of times in your life, and you treasure her friendship with all your heart. She is THAT kind of friend to me.
I was on the phone with this friend today explaining that I am not sure what our future looks like, and how frustrated that I am because I just want to know. I want all of our hard work to pay off. All of the education, work experience etc...to pay off somehow. She mentioned to me that maybe I needed to stop reaching for further success for my family, and to just allow it to come to me (still work hard, but not grasp at straws). So, instead of taking a new job opportunity for the sake of taking it to actually look to see if it will really benefit our family. I took her words to heart and realized that we are so anxious to get to that next level of "success" that we would essentially whore ourselves out and consider going somewhere that is maybe, too far from our extended family or in a part of the country we are not particularly interested in living at just to get one more rung higher on the ladder of success. We need to quit doing that. Like NOW.
The right opportunity WILL come along. I know it. BUT it has to suit our immediate family, and not sacrifice any of what we are trying to teach our children. After all, family first. Always.
I was talking to a dear, dear friend today. The kind of friend that you know you can pick up the phone and talk to her for just a couple of minutes or hours on end after not having talked to her for weeks or months, and it seems just like you spoke with each other an hour ago. The kind of friend that just gets you - all of you - even the parts of yourself that you don't quite get yet. She is the kind of friend that will see you through the pits of hell, not by pulling you through, but by walking side by side with you allowing you to work through your own struggles and demons and troubles all the while offering the support you so desperately need. She is the friend that shares in your joys as they were her own. She is the rare gem that you only find but a handful of times in your life, and you treasure her friendship with all your heart. She is THAT kind of friend to me.
I was on the phone with this friend today explaining that I am not sure what our future looks like, and how frustrated that I am because I just want to know. I want all of our hard work to pay off. All of the education, work experience etc...to pay off somehow. She mentioned to me that maybe I needed to stop reaching for further success for my family, and to just allow it to come to me (still work hard, but not grasp at straws). So, instead of taking a new job opportunity for the sake of taking it to actually look to see if it will really benefit our family. I took her words to heart and realized that we are so anxious to get to that next level of "success" that we would essentially whore ourselves out and consider going somewhere that is maybe, too far from our extended family or in a part of the country we are not particularly interested in living at just to get one more rung higher on the ladder of success. We need to quit doing that. Like NOW.
The right opportunity WILL come along. I know it. BUT it has to suit our immediate family, and not sacrifice any of what we are trying to teach our children. After all, family first. Always.
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