A Delicate Balance

I have been feeling a little out of sorts again lately. I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, nor exercising. I haven't been taking time each day to journal or read or any of the other things I like to do to "sharpen the saw" (as Stephen Covey would say). I have been irritable and withdrawn and I can feel that I have built a stone wall around my heart again blocking both my husband and children out.

I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks.  So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?

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So, this got me to thinking (surprise, surprise) about how delicately balanced my life is, and needs to be in order to feel at peace within. How one minor change or adjustment will change the course of so many things in my life. Kind of like the Butterfly Effect. If I do not respect this delicate balance then my whole life gets thrown off course ever so slightly. What may seem like a trivial thing - like journaling for example - is really important to the psyche of my life. I shouldn't be so flippant about it, and think -"Oh, no big deal if I cannot journal today. I'll just get to it tomorrow." The thing is that "tomorrow" something else pops up making it easy for me to push aside that important part of my life yet again. There are several things in my life that I push aside regularly that I shouldn't because even though each may appear as just a small part of it that can be set aside the reality is that those small things collectively create a big part of my life. A part of my life that when not tended to makes the other parts of my life - the really important parts like being a mother and wife off kilter.

Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.

When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.