Thank You & Odd's and End's

As you have figured out by reading my blog, sometimes I lose sight of my own sparkle. That happens when you are your own worst enemy constantly judging and criticizing everything you do. There are moments though, when I am able to pull myself away from myself, and see myself in a loving light. When I see why other people love me as fiercely as they do. Sometimes I am pulled away from the enemy by a relative or a friend as happened today, and I am ever so grateful. I have a relative, we'll call her A.L., who I know does not agree with me always, but she helps me to find my voice when mine is lost. She also says it like it is, so when she told me today that I am way too critical of myself it got me to thinking about that, and I think know she is right. I am going to try to be better about that. There are so many great things about me (can you hear a Stuart Smalley coming on?) and I forget that ALL OF THE DAMN TIME. Time to work on that a bit. So, thank you A.L. and my soccer mom friend who sent some encouraging words to me today. It meant more than you know.

I have also been thinking about my blog lately. It is kind of scary to put oneself out there - to feel naked. I am much more comfortable putting myself out there to a bunch of strangers in the blogging community than I am to my family and friends. I purposely chose to share this blog with my closet 2-3 friends at first to gauge their reaction, and then my family, and then my community. I wasn't going to put it out there in the community that I live in because I was afraid to expose myself that way, but I also knew  that I was not going to allow myself to make a decision based on fear, so I released it to the masses.

I started to think that maybe I didn't have any people who really thought my blog was any good which got me to thinking about why I am writing this blog to begin with. Am I writing this blog for myself or for others? Am I writing as a way to openly work through my own personal struggles, and to openly share my joy and successes? Or am I writing to appeal to the masses?

I am writing my blog for myself, and if it happens to touch someone else's life - all the better. I was getting to the point where I was thinking about the types of posts I was making, and would people think there were too many sad personal stories, and not enough stories about the kids, blah, blah, blah. I came to my senses on that issue and realized that for good and for bad this is my life. Sometimes life is ugly. Sometimes it is beautiful. Right now I happen to be coming out of (I think) an ugly time in my life, so yes there are more posts than I would have liked there to be about sad ugly things, but there will also come a point where I will be making myself almost puke because post after post will be happy, happy, happy. That is how life works - at least that is how my life works. I am a bull and a fighter. I don't take the easy straight line anywhere - I never have and I never will. I always choose (because I am stubborn) the hardest, most squiggly, curvy line possible (all the while knowing that the straight line was always there to use to begin with). You know what, though? I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks. My life is a good life, and I wouldn't be where I am today if I took the straight line. Straight lines are boring anyway.

So, I am going to keep on writing. and I am not going to worry about what types of posts I have out there or if there are too many of one kind or another or any of that nonsense. What I am going to worry about is if this blog makes me happy because after all, in this medium, that is what takes precedence.

I made some notes for myself out of construction paper and posted them in my living room, so that I could see them multiple times every day. These are a couple of things that I am working on mastering:

(Sorry about the picture quality).

These reminders have been so helpful the last 3 days. I caught myself getting a bit stressed about Bob's job, and read the one about letting go of things I have no control over - and it actually helped to get me out of my tizzy. I think the one about the kids has made the most impact. I have found a couple of times when I was losing my patience with them, and I glanced over and saw that and realized that one day my house will be quiet and childless. What will I look back on and wish I had done differently? Hopefully, if I keep that reminder up long enough it will become ingrained into my psyche, and I when I do look back on this time we currently have together I will see very little regret, and a lot of joy and happiness.

See you next week! Enjoy your weekend!