Soft Addictions

I was recently reading a book (I cannot remember what it was called) that, in part, talked about addiction, and how we tend to think of addiction in relation to drugs, alcohol, food, and sex, but really addiction is much more widespread than we acknowledge. The author went on to say that addictions to things such as drugs are considered 'hard addictions', whereas addictions to things such as the computer, television, books, etc...are considered 'soft addictions'. Anything that a person does to distract themselves from their reality and daily life was defined as an addiction by this author.

The first thought that came into my mind was, "Holy Crow! This is ME"!!! The second thought that came into my mind was, "Oh man, this is me" - like I had just been found out, and now I really had no where to run because I became aware of what I was doing. That was a bummer to me because when I wasn't aware of being a soft addict I just did the things I did, and didn't give them too much thought. Now that I KNOW I  have an addiction to certain things I cannot turn a blind eye to them I have to deal with them and acknowledge that those things exist in my life.

So, what am I addicted to? Pretty much anything that takes me away from focusing on the present moment: television, the Internet - specifically facebook, my blog, the blogs I follow, and of course, people.com, smoking, the library (I'll explain more in a minute).

Now, I can understand if some of you are thinking, "Huh? This girl is crazy!", and on some days I would completely agree with you. Today, is not one of those days though. You see, I will jump from each of these addictions from one to the other when I start to get that icky feeling in my belly that I am spending too much time doing a certain activity. So for example, I used to watch hours of TV while the kids were in school. I would make the excuse that I was only watching TV because I was folding the laundry, but really I was watching hours of TV because I liked it. It passed the time away for me, but I wasn't watching anything educational. I was watching crap, and I was doing it so that I didn't have to "deal" with my real life. Then, when we got rid of Netflix in the fall, and I instituted a no TV policy (remember those blogs?) then I jumped to being on the Internet too much. Who really cares, what is happening on people.com? Really? Is that what I should be spending my time on? For a while - you bet it was. I knew everything about every "star" there was. What I was doing though was avoiding my life by learning about everyone else's life. I also went back and forth between facebook and  my blog and the blogs of those women I follow. I am a fast or famine type of girl. I am either checking FB several times a day or not at all for days at a time. With my blog I am either posting a post (or 3) every 24 hours or I am going days and days without anything.  The library thing sounds weird I know, but I find myself visiting it several times during the week, for hours on end, reading different magazines and checking out different books not because I really care about what those magazines or books have to say, but because it means that I don't have to be here, in the quiet of my home. I have found, that for me, the quiet is not always a good thing. Sometimes, when all is quiet and I am faced with looking inside myself I don't like the things I see. I would rather be out and about and be distracted than to face whatever might be lurking about inside of me - the deep dark parts of me that I push down so I don't have to deal with them. The smoking thing - well that is a hard addiction as far as I am concerned. For my birthday last May, I gave myself the gift of health, and I stopped smoking. I did okay for a while, and then I started to have a cigarette here and there with friends. I would go a week or more without smoking and then when the kids went back to school I found myself smoking a bit more still not buying my own, but hanging out with people who did smoke. Basically, being a big mooch. Finally, in December I started buying my own packs again. I thought (foolishly) that I could be a cigarette here and there type of girl. Unfortunately for me, that is not how addiction works for me, so on December 30, 2012 I gave up smoking for good. For real.

I find that I ban myself from the TV, computer,etc... for a while when I find myself spinning out of control with it, but that is not really dealing with the issue. I am not looking at the reason that I am obsessive compulsive with these things for a period of time. When I take a look at the true issue at hand I find that I do these things because I am trying to avoid my life.

Why on earth would I be trying to avoid my life? I am avoiding my life because if I give my life my all and try to be the best mother, best housekeeper, best home maker, best wife, best friend that I can be that it might not be good enough. That in someones eyes I might not measure up enough, and there would be nothing else I could do to be better because I gave it my all, and I had nothing left to give. At least if I spend most of my life avoiding being a great mother, wife, friend and replace those relationships with these addictions then when someone says that I could have been a better mother, wife, friend, home maker, etc...I will know that maybe he/she is right because I never really gave it my all. I am so afraid of failing at my life that I would rather not try at all than give it my all and have it not be good enough.  For me, it is either perfect or it is a complete failure.

Perfection is one of my biggest demons. So too is control. I have to figure out a way to accept that both of these demons will be with me always, but to not let them consume me. To allow myself to live my life, and feel the emotions of my life without avoiding it and numbing myself to them. I have a lot of work to do my friends...

One of my first steps is learning to find a balance with the Internet and television and all of the other things I fill my time with. To know what is an acceptable and reasonable amount of time for me to use all of these resources without abusing them. I'll let you know what conclusions I come to when I figure it out myself.  In the meantime, please send your prayers and warm thoughts into the universe for me. I need all of the help I can get.