A Helpful Reminder

Slow & Steady

Have you ever had the sensation that you were drowning?

I have been feeling that way the last two weeks. I can clearly see the surface of the water as I wildly will my mind and body toward the surface, but for some reason I cannot get to that place. I have been walking around most of the time viewing myself from outside of my body and it has been a very surreal experience. I have felt empty. My life has seemed full of darkness and blackness and what scares me most was that there was nothing traumatic happening in my life that could have triggered this response in my body.

It has been so scary. Every morning I would get up and do the routine things that needed to be done in my life. Schooling happened albeit a bit differently and more slowly. I was able to get the kids from point A to point B each night, but in doing these things I have felt like just a shell of myself.

I have felt like a robot going through the motions all the while not really be present in my body. It has been one of the scariest experiences of my life (outside of Sarah's stuff). Thoughts of running away have plagued me, but I don't even have a real destination in mind as to where I want to go. All of the places that normally sooth me don't seem appealing at all.

The only thing that kept me going was the I knew that at some point the darkness that surrounded me had to subside. And I was right. Although I am not out of the woods yet, I can see some light, and that is always a good thing. I am slowly able to reenter my body and take a look at what could have possibly caused this feeling of great depression in my life. Here is what I have been able to come up with:

1. Depression runs in my family. I know that the gene pool I have inherited has a history of people who have suffered from (and still do) depression. This makes me more prone to falling under the crushing weight that ones feels when going through a sustained episode of darkness.

2. I have been under immense self induced pressure.  Because I was unable to do more than the bare necessities of what needed to get done each day I have been able to see just how much I try to accomplish each day. I put immense pressure on myself to be the perfect educator, the perfect homemaker, the perfect cook, the perfect mother, etc...The weight of expectation that I was hurling on my shoulders would crush anyone. I am just surprised that I did not collapse sooner.

3. I have not been taking care of myself.  I have gained back all of the weight that I lost a few months ago. I am no longer exercising regularly. I am not taking time away from my family regularly. I am not reaching out to my close friends regularly. I am not giving myself the same love and time that I give to everyone else in my house. The reservoir of self care that I built up through all of those months of exercising and eating properly dried up long ago.

4. I expect way too much from myself.  I am an all or nothing girl. The reason that I am this way is because I am a perfectionist. I either go at something full blown and do it perfectly, or I don't do it at all so that I cannot fail, or if what I am doing shows the least sign of not being done to perfection I let everything go to hell in a hand basket and give up.

5. I have been "hanging out" with the wrong crowd. I am in an introvert. I didn't know this about myself for a really, really long time, but I know that now. Yes, I can come up with small talk  and can schmooze with people if I need to, but really I would rather be by myself. When I recharge, I go somewhere alone  - on a walk, to a bookstore, etc...I can listen to you talk all day long about yourself, and would, in fact, prefer that, rather than talk about myself. (Which is ironic, I know, considering that I have a blog where I bare some pretty raw parts of myself, but I blog alone on my computer not in a crowd of people.) I have a ton of acquaintances, but very few actual friends and I prefer it that way. (This also has to do with #4 in that I am afraid to be friends with people because I am afraid of not being able to be the perfect friend. I am afraid of letting people down, and I would rather not deal with the drama that sometimes comes with friendship.) So, what I choose to do instead is read a lot of blogs. I have a wide variety of blogs that I do really enjoy, but the problem is that I have let these blogs slowly define my own view of myself and what I should be. I see these smiling moms who cook great meals and talk about living off of the land and their great diets and their fabulous huge families and their toned bodies and their fabulous homes. And after reading these women day in and day out for years I have realized that where their voices leave off and mine begins has lost its defining point. I truly believe that who you hang out with the most is who you become like - whether that is who you are authentically or not - and so, for me, I have been (unconsciously) molding my life to look like theirs because I want the pretty version of what they display on their posts instead of a real life which includes both the beautiful and the ugly. And because I live a life that includes both the good and the bad - the bad times make me think that I am doing something wrong rather than just realizing that bad parts of life are just that - a part of a well lived life. Good and bad, light and dark, you cannot have one without the other. Except that I forgot that because I am bombarded with the prettiness of life day in and day out by these women who only show how nice life can be (or if they dare show a hint of darkness it is easily turned into light again with the swift sweep of a broom and a good rug in which to brush it all under.)

It's not that I don't know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I am the sum off all of those who have influenced my life along with the sum of  all of my experiences. So, this isn't a life crisis of not knowing who I am. This is more just about this really cool woman who lost her way for a while, got crushed by her genetics, expectations, lack of self-care, and some really unrealistic role models.

So, where does this leave me? I don't really know and I am not in a rush to find out. I need to take some time to just decompress. I need to take some time to think about what is working in my life and what is not working in my life. And to be honest with myself about those answers. I need to stop putting so much damn pressure on myself to find the perfect diet, the perfect homeschooling method, the perfect way to keep a home, the perfect way to cook, etc...I need to remember that I am a human being. Just a mere mortal. In some ways, these last couple of weeks have been a blessing in disguise because even though I have felt surrounded by darkness I am able to see just how crazy a life I was trying to lead. I am able to see outside of myself and to see how unrealistic my goals and expectations were. I am not out of the woods yet, I still feel a bit melancholy, but I do know that I will get through this one day at a time. This slow and steady pace will eventually lead me to all of the answers I need and am looking for. I have Hope in that, and if I know nothing else I do know that Hope has never let me down before.

In These Times

I have been having some rough days lately. These are dark days when someone like me questions just about everything in her life because she realizes that she just cannot do it all. Sometimes that is hard to admit for someone like me. I want to be Superwoman and teach my children 4 different amazing curriculum, have an amazingly clean house, serve completely nutritious meals that are not poisoning my children, be super healthy and fit all the while having a smile on my face and a song in my heart, as my Aunt Julie would say.

I can attempt to be Superwoman for a while, but then the trying gets to be too much and I fall flat on my face - HARD. And it hurts a lot. That is what I am going through right now. I have fallen, gotten hurt, and am trying to figure out how the hell I am going to dust myself off and keep on trucking.

I have created this amazing life where I am at the heart and center of everything for everyone in this household, but I have also created this life where I am the heart and center of everything for everyone which means when mom falls everything seems to go to hell in a hand basket. It's a double edged sword. Especially, when it is built upon unrealistic expectations.

I cannot be Superwoman. I just cannot, but admitting that is so hard for me.  I come from a long line of women who do way too much for way too many people and then wear themselves out and are good for no one, but most especially for themselves. This same group of women  have some amazing qualities as well - they are resilient, strong willed, hell bent on getting stuff done their way in their time, they will fight for their families with everything that they have. But on the other side of the coin these women don't know when to ask for help, do way too much, and have unrealistic expectations of themselves. All of these things are found within myself as well.

I feel a bit lost in these times because my Superwoman facade was popped. Now that I am just me I don't know what I can handle. I feel frozen and stuck in my life because I feel all of these people who depend on me to deliver a certain product that I cannot deliver as just Elicia/Mom. Superwoman has been carrying me for so long. And the thing is my Superwoman facade has popped before and I have taken off her costume before for a bit only to put it back on and attempt to live her superhero life once again. I need to stop picking up the suit and trying to put it on. It doesn't fit me.

I have had so many random thoughts lately: get a part time job, get a full time job, start a book club for adult mamas, put the kids in school, keep them home, simplify our homeschool routine, keep doing the same curriculum we have been doing, keep going with the Family Management book, hire someone else (if I got a job) to do the cleaning, run away to a beach house in Wellfleet, MA all by myself and leave my husband and kids to fend for themselves here. As you can see I have had many different thoughts this past week or so. And I have had so many more some of which I would be mortified to share.

(It doesn't help either that our future here is up in the air...still. What we thought was Bob's career trajectory may have changed a bit, and we may end up going to a city that I have absolute no desire to go to, and also one that wasn't even on the radar. I thought we would have known something by now giving us some inkling of how much longer we would be here, but we are still waiting on a confirmation of some sorts  & instead we have just been given bits and pieces of news leaving me to try and piece together what our future is going to look like. It is enough to make one freaking crazy.)

I guess what it comes down to, now that my Superwoman costume blew off, is I am not sure how much responsibility I, the non-superhero, want. How much can my human body handle and how much does it want to handle? Do I want to clean my house like a superstar? Do I want to homeschool my children anymore? Do I want to go out and work part/full time? What do I want? And more importantly, what do I need to do to be able to function, sanely, at a human level? Superhero me tried to handle it all and blew up face planting  in the harsh wake up call that goes by the name of  Reality. It is hard trying to carry all that I try and tackle on my shoulders. It doesn't help either that most of the bloggers that I love are these Christian homemakers that talk about a calling and  having a happy heart at trying to do it all. That is the danger of loving blogs as much as I do. Only our best faces are put forth usually making our lives seem like one big slice of hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream on the side. And then people like me compare ourselves to those women and wonder how we can ever measure up? And when we finally realize we cannot measure up to them - nor should we aspire to because then we are not living a life authentic to ourselves - we feel guilt for wanting/needing to choose a different path.

And all the meanwhile, as I am having this life crisis (not that I can really call it that seeing that I live a life that is so unaccustomed to real hardship), I still need to feed, clean, school, and grow four children. How I am ever going to figure anything out or pick myself up off of the floor I do not know. I just want to push a pause button on my life until I figure everything out. If only life could be that easy.

B-U-R-N-E-D Out

I have a confession to make. For the past two weeks I have been contemplating putting my kids back in public school and going out and getting a part time job. I have even gone so far as to look on line to see what jobs are available here in Las Cruces that would peak my interest. The thought of sending my kiddos away for 8 hours a day and not be solely responsible for the education has seemed like a glorious thought more days than not lately.

I am burned out.

Really, really burned out.

I know that if I actually chose to put my kids back in public school and go get a job of my own that I would regret it the minute I did it. I would miss my kids terribly. And I don't think that they would be getting a better education in school. I think that I can do a better job in my own home of educating my children than the public school can, but that is only because I know my children better and can cater an education around their strengths and weaknesses. My dislike of public education has nothing to do with those hardworking teachers who try  their best day in and day out. My dislike of education comes from the fact that the system is broken and because the government is involved so heavily in overseeing the whole thing it will never work correctly.

My desire to put my kids back into public school is purely a selfish one. I. Need. A. Break.  Homeschooling can be very hard especially because I am the only one overseeing my kiddos education. All of my teaching weaknesses are apparent and there are no other teachers to pick up the slack where I am not solid. (Unless I choose to pay for a tutor.) I am struggling a lot with that right now. The weight of "what if I screw my kids up with my well intentions?" is sitting on my shoulders weighing me down. I find myself looking straight into my mistakes as a homeschooling mama with some of the bad habits my children have developed. I have no one else but me to blame for these issues.

 Schooling my kids has been no fun these past few months. We are no longer doing the history projects we once were and we are no longer spending part of our Friday's doing an art project that one of the kids picked out. We don't take any trips on our own. We only get together with other homeschooling families maybe two or three times a month. We slough through our assigned lessons day after day after day. I am miserable. I think we are all pretty miserable, actually.

I had a freak out moment last Friday on my poor husband where I told him (or perhaps I was raising my voice slightly?) that I could no longer take it. I was tired of everything about my life and I needed to overhaul every aspect of it because I was going to lose my mind if I did not. He just stared at me and did not really know what to say or how to react.

It doesn't help the situation that on top of this there is some work stuff going on (that I am not allowed to talk about yet per Bob's request) that is stressing me out beyond belief.

Bob and I took the dogs for a walk in the desert this morning and I was able to talk to him about some of my concerns about both home educating our children and also sending them to public school. He provided his input here and there, but he mainly just listened to me as I poured my heart out to him about these things that have been building up in my for a while. It felt good to get a lot of stuff off of my chest. And it was nice to feel that we are still on the same page about almost everything related to homeschooling.

My main frustration is that I am doing way too much book work with my kiddos which is burning me out significantly and not allowing us any opportunities to do very much outside the home. Since the summer these have been the subjects my kids have been working on:

Andy: Algebra, Biology, Rhetoric, Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Spelling, Cursive, Writing, History & Great Books.

Josh: Algebra 1/2, Chemistry, Latin/Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Writing, Typewriting, History, Logic

Sarah: Braille, Math - Abacus, Writing, Spelling, Latin, Biology & Botany, Logic, History, Grammar

Elizabeth: Math, Botany & Biology, History, Logic, Grammar, Handwriting, Spelling, Latin

Getting through all of this each day with the kids Is.A.Lot. I chose to do so much work with them because I loved the program that the book The Well Trained Mind presented. I thought that it was such a sound program. (And I suppose it still is. It is just not feasible to follow it to a T with 4 children and still be able to have a life outside of book work.)

Bob and I decided that the best thing to do was to talk to the kiddos about my concerns about what was and was not working in our homeschooling. And then to go from there. So, I dropped Bob off at work today and took all 4 kids to a park that has some picnic tables and an open field We sat at one of the picnic tables and all shared our concerns together and came up with a new game plan going forward that I feel very comfortable with. And then we went into the field and played soccer, Red Light Green Light, Sharks & Minnows, Mother May I, and raced each other. It was the first time I have had fun with the kids in a long time. I know that they enjoyed having their mama play with them too.

We have decided to cut everything out except for the basics: Math, Science, History, & Language Arts (Spelling, Grammar, Writing). The boys will pick up Spanish again next fall. The kids want to be able to explore the area around us and also El Paso with weekly or biweekly field trips that just the 5 of us go on. I am completely down with that. They have also asked that we add back in our Friday History projects and art projects because they all liked doing those things so much.

Homeschooling is supposed to be fun. By its very nature it is supposed to allow us the freedom to learn both from books and also from hands on learning experiences. We have gotten completely away from the hands on learning experiences and focused slowly on (kinda boring) book work since last fall and I have paid the price as evidenced by my freak out this past week. Plus, the kids have been spread so thin with all of this subject work (at least the boys have been) that I am not sure if I was doing any good throwing all of that material at them. (I hoped I was & thought I was, but I am not sure in the end if I actually was helping or hurting them.)

I shared my thoughts on getting a job and putting them back in school and all four kids said that they would support me getting a part time job so that I had something that got me out of the house regularly, but only if that meant that they could still be homeschooled. Josh said that the only reason he would ever want to go back to a public school was if we moved to a state that did not allow homeschoolers to participate in public school sports. Andy said that he never wants to go back. Sarah said that she could do either one. She thought there were pros & cons to both staying home and going to public school. Elizabeth said that she was staying home no matter what. In a way, their responses made me feel good because even though I feel like this school year has been a very stressful one and not at all the way I wanted it to go the fact that all four kiddos still want to be home with me despite my blaring failures makes me feel that maybe, just maybe I am still doing something right.

Humbled

I found out today that one of my kids has a teammate that did not get anything for Christmas this year because his family is going through some tough financial times. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about how this boy had to hear most of his friends talk about what they got for Christmas, and more likely, list an overabundance of gifts.

My face stung when I heard this news because I felt like a fraud for ever suggesting that my life can sometimes seem hard to me. Because what do I really know about hardship? Nothing.

I talk about how growing up my parents worked their butts off to provide for my siblings and I and that I know they wish they could have provided more, and I realize that I  lived the childhood of a queen.

I don't know what it means to truly struggle. I know what it is like to perceive that I am struggling, but I don't really know what true struggle is. And I am embarrassed that I have ever projected my life as having any real struggle because in reality, I don't know what that looks like.

I cannot imagine struggling to put food on the table. Or not being able to provide my children with basic necessities. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to worry about paying an electric bill or being kicked out of my home. I cannot imagine sending my children to school hungry, and how much, as a mother that would break my heart.

I was humbled today because poverty was no longer an abstract concept to me. It was no longer something that some distant and unknown people struggle with.  I can now put a face to poverty. I live a life of luxury and hem and haw about my "struggles", but really I am living the life of a queen - and most likely, so are you.

The hard stuff with Sarah is nothing. Bob and I are able to provide medical care for her and we are able to get her the assistance that she needs to lead her a successful life. Sarah lives a life of luxury as do all of my children. And even if sometimes I feel that they are going without, I know what a joke that really is.

I think about how much I struggled with not being able to provide my kids more gifts for Christmas and for staying within a budget. I feel sick to my stomach even complaining about that now knowing that this young man received nothing. Not one thing.

We live in a world with the "have's" and the "have not's" and we are told & made to feel that the "have's" are really "have not's" and that we need to acquire all of these items and all this wealth to be part of the "have" club. This is a lie. We are almost all living a life of "have's" and we know nothing of the  "have not's" struggles. It is a down right shame that I have ever thought my self to be a "have not" in any category of my life.

When I think about that sweet boy and his equally sweet family I wonder how many things they are going without right now that I have no idea about. Those with little rarely make it known just how great their need is. They just go about their business doing the best that they can to make a life and to provide for their children. While people like me, sit in their  homes and complain about how hard life is. What a joke.

What people like me should be doing is helping people like this young man and his family. We all should. That is our job as human beings to take care of one another. Maybe you don't have a lot of money to spend to help out others. What about time? Surely, you have time?

How we spend our moments is how we spend our lives. Remember that. If you take a moment here and there to help someone - either financially or with your time - there is such goodness in the life you will build. Do not ask for anything in return. Rather, ask those you help to pay it forward, and when they are one day in a spot where they can give to someone in need that they do so. 

Moving down to New Mexico has opened my eyes to the plight of the poor and those truly in need. Yes, there were those people back in Ohio too, but I did not see them because they were hidden from my blind eyes. Down here, a city in desert with no where to hide, my eyes have been opened. I am passionate about helping others. And I am passionate about being able to show my children that helping those in need is the greatest gift they can give this world.

It is our job and it is our duty to help others. And the best part is that you feel so good doing so. Giving to others and serving others is God's greatest gift.

The Moments of Our Lives

Life is but a series of moments. It is as simple as that. And those  moments are what make a life. For better or worse this is true. It is easy to remember the big moments. Those moments where you take an amazing vacation or buy your first home or get married or have your children. Those are the moments that we store into our conscious memory.

But what happens to those moments that are filled up with mundane things like cleaning the house or grocery shopping or putting your kid back to bed for the millionth time? I believe that those moments are stored in our subconscious memory. These seemingly insignificant parts our everyday lives - the scenes that seem to be played out over and over again as if we are living a perpetual Groundhog Day movie scene are the ones that a life a built upon. In those moments of ordinariness extraordinary things are happening - we are writing the story of not only our lives, but we are helping to shape the story that each of our children will create in his/her own life.

I have been looking through some old pictures of my children. Most of the pictures are from just a couple of years ago, but they seem as if they were from an era gone by. And in some ways they are. What struck me most as I have been viewing these photos is that it isn't the big grand pictures that one would think would be favorites - birthday pictures, Christmas, vacations, etc... - I am finding myself most drawn to the pictures that capture our every day lives. Pictures of my family taking a hike. Pictures of my kids hanging out by the pool or jumping on the trampoline. Pictures of my kids exploring in a river we used to go to in Ohio. Pictures of them reading books together or completing schoolwork. Pictures of them building with Legos together. THOSE are my favorites. The funny thing is that none of these memories would be recalled if I hadn't taken those pictures because they are stored in my subconscious memory. The photo alone is what pulled the memory out of its hiding place and brought it to the forefront of my mind.

This got me to thinking about how many moments I have not remembered with my kiddos and will never be able to recall again because they were just ordinary and mundane things that I did not photograph. Had I the ability to look back on them now I would be able to cherish them for what they really were: moments of building this wonderful life we have created.

Now I cannot take a picture of every moment in our life. (That is my mom's job - she takes so many pictures it is unreal, BUT I am so thankful she does now because I have those memories to look back on even if I was completely annoyed when she took them.) But I can journal about those moments.

When the new year came around I bought myself a beautiful new journal with this as the cover:

I was drawn to this journal because it made me realize that it is in embracing regularness of life that makes it extraordinary. I am living an extraordinary life, so are you, all because of the regularness of it. I made the decision to journey every day of our lives this year. I wanted to capture the big things that I usually journal about, but I also want to capture  all the little things that make up our days as a family. Because in the end it is those simple regular seemingly ordinary moments that are going to be the ones to touch my heart and soul most deeply when I look back on them in the future. It is those moments that are most important  because it will show me all the pieces that went into the making of not only my life story, but my children's as well.

In order to do this everyday, usually twice a day, I will steal away from the kids and just write down what has happened so far that day. I include concerns and bigger problems too, but mostly I just write about the small details of our life. I find the whole experience very therapeutic as well. Believe it or not, there is quite a bit that I do not share on this blog and by being committed to journaling everyday I am also getting stuff off of my chest that would otherwise sit in the pit of my stomach brewing until I exploded on someone (usually my poor husband).

I have no doubt that I will fill this journal before the year is out. In addition to writing out all of the details of our day I also include three things that I am thankful for from that day. Some days are filled with beautiful and poetic "thankfuls". (This is the word we use in our house to describe all that we are thankful for.) Other days this year (and the year is so young!) have been filled with less poetic things such as: I am thankful I made it through the day. Because that is what life is like, right? It is the beautiful and the mundane all mixed together creating our beautiful, unique, one of a kind life stories.

The Compliment of Being Someone's Home

I have received a good number of compliments in my life about various things. I appreciate them all, but two of them stand out above the rest and they were said to me by my children who didn't even know the value of the words they were saying and how much they would mean to me.

Both compliments were actually one in the same. They were from Josh and Sarah and the compliments came about like this:

Josh was at a soccer tournament in Tuscon, AZ this past fall. He was rooming with his dad, Sarah, and a teammate and was away for the entire weekend. Normally, I do not bring my cell phone into my bedroom at night. I like to leave it by the computer or on the dining room table, but this particular night for reasons still unknown, I placed my cell phone on my nightstand. In the middle of night I received a text from Josh. He was letting me know that he was homesick and that he wanted to come home. He told me that he needed me and that he did not feel well. In the course of our conversation I managed to get him calmed down and just spent some time going back and forth with him via text until he felt that he could go back to sleep. In the end very end of the text he thanked me and told me that he loved me. I cried. Josh does not tell people that he loves them. He doesn't like to hug people and he definitely doesn't like to kiss people. It is just who he is. He isn't open and warm and fuzzy. He shows his love in other ways, and those who know him best know this and accept this as a part of who he is. The fact that he was so open with me was awesome. It is nice to hear the words that you are loved even when you know deep down you are.

The second situation was when we were visiting Ohio back in December. Sarah had an opportunity to spend the night at a friend's house. Even though she loves this family very much she hadn't been away from me or Bob overnight since we have moved to New Mexico. (We have each been away from home on separate occasions, but Sarah has always been with one parent at night here at the house.) Again, in the middle of the night, I got a call (that I did not hear this time) from a wee little voice that said that she was homesick and that she couldn't sleep and needed me. (She eventually got to sleep with the help of her friends mom.)

In those two situations it became clear to me that I am my kids home. When they are feeling lonely or sad or scared it is me who can comfort them best. It is me that they want more than anyone else in this whole wide world. It is their mama who has the magical touch that leaves the essence of home etched into their being. Isn't that an awesome compliment? Home is where we are most comfortable. Home is where we feel loved. Home is where we feel safe. Home is where we feel secure. In the dark of night, that is what my two kids were telling me - I am their safety net, security, & comfort. Where ever I am is home to them. The very nature of me being their mom is what makes them feel home. Despite all of my mistakes and hang ups my kids (at least two of them) in their times of uncertainty and worry believe that I am the one who can give them the most comfort. That just amazes me.

It makes me feel like I am doing something right. And it also makes me feel so utterly privileged. I am so, so, so blessed that I was allowed to have these four beings bestowed under my care for the time being to grow them and nurture them and love them. I thought the title of Mom was the best gift ever - I now feel differently - knowing that I am "Home" is an even higher honor. There is no greater compliment. And for that I am truly grateful.