Chicago Trip to Visit Daddy

We had a fabulous time in Chicago. I now know why so many people love the Windy City.

The kids and I getting ready to board the train.

Here we are on the 96th floor of the Hancock Building. (I was too scared to look down, but the kids had a blast!)

Sarah

Joshua

Elizabeth - she made me so nervous the entire time we were up there. I was afraid that she was going to fall through the glass. (Unfounded I know, but I was nervous all the same.)

Andy

The kids were SOOO happy to be with Bob. 

Picture taken from the Hancock Building

After we ventured to the Hancock Building we walked right over to the American Girl shop. Both Sarah and Elizabeth were overjoyed at being in the store. We were so busy browsing that Bob took only 1 photo. Needless to say I was VERY grateful that I told the kids that they had to save every penny they could for the last 2 months, so that they had spending money for this trip. There is definitely A LOT of ways to blow some cash there. 

Elizabeth eyeing one of the MANY things that caught her attention in the American Girl Store.

Proof that mom WAS right - saving our spending money was a good idea in

spite of all of the protests to the contrary in the months leading up to our trip. One happy girl. (Sarah also had a blast in the store and purchased a couple of items as well.)

Next we hopped over to the Lego shop. Bob was surprised by how small it was, but I was expecting it to be a smaller store, so I was surprised by how big it was. (Proof that perception is everything, I suppose.) Andy, Josh, and Sarah all had a good time in the store. Elizabeth could have taken it or left it. She was mostly taken with the life size version of the "girl lego lady".

Andy was especially taken with the store. He really enjoyed all of the creations the staff of the store had on display.

I will admit that I did have to coax the boys a bit to have this picture taken, but for me, it was well worth it. 

My sweet girls

The Bean - by the time we got to this my feet were killing me, so I took a seat while the kids explored the bean with Bob. 

Joshua "holding" the bean up. 

The girls also "holding" the bean up. 

On Sunday we took the kids to the Field Museum. We had a blast. I would recommend the museum to anyone who is looking for something to do in Chicago. It is HUGE, and has a ton of exhibits. 

We especially love the dinosaur section. 

A Day of New Possibilities

I feel refreshed. Today Bob is coming home, and I feel like we can begin anew. Like we have had the past 7 1/2 months to get some idea's together as to what is working and what isn't working for our family. We have endured through a time that was very difficult, and forced us to look at certain aspects of our lives and evaluate each of them to see if they fit. To look at the good and the not go good aspects of our lives, and to see what we should keep as it is, what we should toss, and what needs to be kept but altered. Not everyone gets to step back from their family life like we have, and to be able to see things from a different perspective. I am grateful that we were given this opportunity.

So, we will celebrate this weekend by just being together as a family. When Sunday night comes I know that I will pause to thank God that I no longer will have to make the dreaded Sunday night trip to the airport. This afternoon when I see my husband I know that most likely I will cry as I hug him because we are done. 100% done. I will have my partner back with me to share in our lives each and every day. My kids lives will return to normal in which they have a mom and a dad living under the same roof. We have all sacrificed so much, but I feel very strongly that it was worth it. That the lessons we have taken away from this journey are so very valuable.

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I never really could grasp the concept of that saying before, but now I get it. I really get it. I look forward to talking with Bob about our journey and what changes we would like to make in the future. I look forward to all of the new possibilities that have opened up because of this journey we have just completed, and that one that is about to begin.

I (Bleeping) Did It!

Well, I can safely say, that with 2 days to go until my husband comes home from his 7 1/2 month assignment working in Chicago, that I (bleeping) did it! I have just endured  the hardest, most challenging, physically and mentally exhausting time of my life, AND I am still standing.

There were many, many times when I did not think that I would be able to make it through this challenge. Times when kid issues would spring up, or house issues, or just plain life would come at me, and I did not know how to handle the situation in question without my partner in crime by my side. There were times when I felt too weak to get through this tough time. Times when I felt that God did not know me very well because if he did he would have never asked ME to take on the challenge of parenting my children alone Sunday night through Friday evening week in and week out for 7 and a half months. Times when I wanted to scream and cry and yell at God for not talking me out of choosing to live this way to begin with. Times when I thought that allowing Bob to move away from us for this job assignment was the stupidest, most ridiculous thing we ever could have agreed to. Times when the opportunity cost seemed just too high.

But you know what? I DID IT!!! I made it through the tears and anger and frustration and self doubt. I made it through the tough times and the REALLY tough times. This has hands down been the most challenging time of my life, but it has also been extremely rewarding.

Without going through this I would have never pushed myself to the limits that I have, and would have never known just how much I could accomplish. I would have never learned to utilize my kids as I did, and would have never grown as close to them as I have without experiencing this crazy hardship. We became a team, my kids and I. A team that knows that we have each other's backs. It was a time when we put into practice all that Bob and I have been teaching them. A time when family not only should have been first, but needed to be first in order to survive. The 5 of us chipped in and helped each other out in our own ways to make all of our lives a little bit easier.

(Photo courtesy of: bing.com/images)

I am proud not only of myself, but also of my children. They also made it through a very hard time, and they came out with a better understanding of family, and what it means to be a part of one.

I learned so much while my husband was away. I learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. Stronger in every way: mentally, physically, emotionally. I learned that my family has always been important to me, but now I know the depths of that importance. I learned what we, Bob and I, are willing to do in the future to provide a better life for our children and what we are not willing to do in the future. I learned that everything happens for a reason, and that even if I do not know the reason right now, I will have all the answers I am looking for some point in the future. I learned that I am going to start living my truth every day - even if it is completely different  from what is considered "normal" or "right" by society's standards. I learned that I must trust my instincts. There are certain truths that I know in my soul to be right for me, and for my family. Often I have let others talk me out of those truths because the truths that speak loudest to me seem foreign to them and therefore make them uncomfortable - I will not allow that anymore.

If I lived near a mountain I would walk to the summit, and stand with my arms outstretched and my head leaned back and I would let out a fierce yell from the bottom of my belly.  A yell that comes from knowing that I am a strong, powerful, fierce, woman. I am a force to be reckoned with, and I (bleeping) did it!

Who I Am and Who You Are - Don't Forget It

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me. 

Maya Angelou

So, Now What?

I am an obsessive thinker. Give me a topic and I will analyze it over and over until I have turned said topic into puddy, and turned myself into a crazy person (or more crazy than I already am). So, of course after hearing that Bob had not been selected for the NM job that we posted for my brain went into over drive. To make matters worse, since we decided not to share this journey with anyone I had no one to cry with, bounce ideas off of, etc. And with  Bob trying to finish up several projects before he comes home in 9 days his availability to me was very limited.

These are the thoughts that keep rattling around in my head (in no particular order):

- If my husband has such a great career ahead of him (as he has been told) why is he stagnant right now at a time when he is doing everything he can to not be?
-Are we ever going to get anywhere?
-Is the life that we are leading right now, career wise, all that he is ever going to be at his present company?
-Why, if he is so good at what he does, is he not moving up the food chain?
-What are we doing wrong?

Those thoughts lead into these thoughts:

-Maybe it is a good thing that this opportunity passed us by because it would have been too hard to try and pack everyone and everything up by myself.
-Maybe we are meant to have the tubal reversal surgery and that it why nothing has happened for us career wise. (I know this may sound crazy, but crazy is where I am at right now.)
-Maybe I am meant to go back to school to get my Master's Degree, and we are supposed to stay here.
-Maybe we are not meant to stay with his present employer.
-Maybe we are meant to do something radical - like have him leave corporate America for some other kind of occupation. (I have no idea what that would be).

Which finally lead into this thought pattern:

-Should we tell his employer that we are no longer mobile?
-Do I have the emotional strength to invest the time to researching a potential career opportunity's location over and over again - only to be told that he did not receive the job?
-What am I missing? We have done everything "right" according to corporate Amercia's standards. We have played by all of the rules. My husband went back to school and completed his MBA. It just doesn't seem fair, and I don't understand why nothing is making sense. If someone told him that he was not good at his job or was missing some intangible asset then all of this rejection would make sense,but that is not what he is being told at all! I don't like when things don't add up.

It is not all doom and gloom. There are many good things about staying here. We have family here and friends here that we care about very much. We have a cozy home.We are comfortable here. I guess I just want to feel settled. As of right now, we are still on the mobility list, so at any time we could post for something else or could be asked to post for something else. I just want to be settled - ya know?

So, I think that once Bob comes home we will need to chit chat about a few things. Our ambition has not left either of us. Maybe we just need to think outside the box. Or maybe, his career up to this point has been unrealistic.He has had a very smooth career with very little rejection. Maybe rejection is just a part of climbing up the corporate ladder, and that there is indeed something out there for him. Only time will tell.

A Tale of One City

Alas, it is not meant to be. We just found out today that the job that we posted for in NM was given to someone else. So, for the time being, we will be staying put. As I said in an earlier post I truly felt that what was meant to be would be, and although I am disappointed from a career standpoint of Bob not getting the job I am grateful from a community/family standpoint.

So, we will wait out the end of this temporary job assignment in Chicago - which is coming to a close in 10 days - bring my hubby home, regroup, get some much needed questions answered, and formulate another plan all the while enjoying our time here.

A Tale of Two Cities

I know that a lot of you have probably figured this out a long time ago, but I can be a VERY slow learner sometimes. I am finally figuring out that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that sometimes you just have to let go of finding out what that reason is right then. Life will let you know what it has in store for you when the time is right, and even though things may not make sense at the present moment it will all be sorted out in the future. I pray that it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn this lesson because I have been fighting it all my life really, but intensely for the last 9+ months. Trying to make deals with God, begging, crying, yelling, throwing a tantrum, behaving in anyway that I felt necessary to try and make God reveal His plan for me. It didn't work - NOT ONE LITTLE BIT.  It was only once I accepted my life as it was instead of trying to move on before this phase was over - only once I had accepted that there certain things in my life that I have absolutely no control over, and to let those things go - THEN the next phase presented itself.  Just like that - poof - out of the blue came not one, but TWO potential opportunities!

As Bob and I wrestled with the decision to proceed with any job opportunities that would take us away from  our current community (in which there was a job posting that would take us far away) - up popped a job posting that would be a promotion for him AND would keep us right here. Funny how that worked out.

So we made the decision to apply for both opportunities, the one that would take us far away and the one right in our own backyard. We decided that we would no longer have to struggle with the decision of whether to stay or to go because that decision was essentially taken out of our hands. It was as if God knew how much my husband (and to a lesser extent myself) struggled with the idea of taking our family away from extended family - knew how much (unnecessary) guilt he carried around in his heart, and said, "I will make this burden easier for you. I will carry it, and show you where you are meant to be." It was, to say the least, amazing. We made the decision to not tell any family members about either job opportunity as neither of them might pan out and there is no reason to expose our families to the emotions that come with a job that may or may not come to fruition. We have put them through too much this past year by sharing every opportunity we were going to try for that didn't work out for one reason or another.

I feel none of the anxiety that I have felt before when job opportunities have presented themselves. I truly feel that what is meant to be will be. There is a possibility that none of these opportunities will pan out, and I am okay with that too.  We will be where we are meant to be. I know that now. I have learned that lesson the hard way.

If we go, I have decided to give up my dream of having another child (I think). It would be too much on my children to ask them to move to a new location, and add a baby into that mix as well. I would instead focus solely on them and making the transition to a new community as easy for them as I possibly can. This will make my heart sad, but I know that it is the right thing to do.

(Picture taken from: wikipedia.org)

If we stay, I am pretty certain that we will choose to have the tubal reversal surgery. If we end up getting either the promotion here or if my husband ends up staying in his current position we will sit tight here for a while, and live our lives surrounded by our current friends and family.

Picture taken from: commons.wikimedia.org

 
I know in my heart and soul - in the deepest depths of me - that all three possibilities will lead me to exactly where I was meant to be. I feel that the angst has been taken away, and my life's journey (at this point) is in someone else's hands. I am okay giving that control over for now. I feel released from the burdens of trying to make my own way. Of trying to force things that were never meant to be for me anyway. It is a great feeling.

One nice thing about letting go of trying to control my own life - of whoring ourselves out as I have said in the past - is that I can finally enjoy the ride. Through each step of the application process I am being conscious and aware of my thoughts and feelings. I cross each step off, and wait patiently for the next step to come. Sometimes, we have waited a bit longer for the next step to come than we were hoping, but I knew that it would all be okay. (There was only one time when I called my husband frantically having a near panic attack about the whole process and how long it was taking, but I quickly calmed myself back down with his help. That alone speaks volumes about how far I have come. I used to be in near panic attack mode 24/7 on previous opportunities. It was completely stressful and draining. I think that is why this experience has been so amazing to me. I have been living my daily life focused on that, and will allow thoughts to enter my mind, let sit for a bit and then I release them back out into the land of the future unknown.)

I am excited for this new journey. I am excited to see if I am going to be staying in the community I currently live in, in the city that I know, with the friends and family that I love. I am equally excited to see if I am going to be moving to a warmer climate with an exciting culture so different from our existing one. Either way it will be an adventure, and I am most definitely up for the ride.

A Glimpse of the Future

Bob flew in from Chicago Thursday night so that I could take a much needed trip to NY to visit my family. I hitched a ride with my parents, who were planning a trip out East anyway, and spent 3.5 days without my husband or children. It was a much needed break. It was nice to be able to be surrounded by the family that I spend much of my childhood around, and to only have to worry about myself.

I think my favorite part of this weekend though,was coming home Monday afternoon and being part of our normal family again. The family that we were up until last August. The family that ate a meal together and prepared for the next school day together. The husband and wife duo that tucked in their children together, and that got up with them in the morning. The partners that helped make breakfast, pack lunches, and got kids off to school this morning. It was so wonderful to not have to do it all on my own. I appreciated the balance of shared responsibilities with a deeper sense of awe and respect than I ever have.

Not every family is split so evenly like my husband and I are. In some families it is the Mommy that seems to slack off consistently and in some families it is the Daddy that seems to forget that, yes, he is indeed a father, and with that comes certain  responsibilities. My husband and I are a team, through and through. Where he is weak  I am strong, and where I am weak he is strong. He is a great partner, that man of mine, and I am blessed to have married a man who is a great father. I don't ever have to worry when I leave that he won't be able to care for our children and home. Things run smoothly when I am gone, and he left as the sole parent. For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that when we are home together we each share half of the responsibility of taking care of our children. When I am tucking the girls into bed he is saying good night to the boys, and vice versa. When I am assisting in getting kids ready for their day he is running others to school.

I am so excited that in 17 days he will be home with our family. I am excited that I will have my comrade-in-arms with me every day. I have missed him a lot, and I have no idea how I have soldiered on without him for so long. I have learned a lot these past 7 months, but one of the greatest lessons I have learned is how important my nuclear family is to me, and how very much I value them all.

My Deam Life

I have a blog post that  is just sitting in my 'Drafts' box waiting to go out, but it will have to wait until next week for various reasons. So instead, you will be presented with this post:

I waver back and forth between leading a "normal" life and my Utopian life. My normal life is that in which my kids and I are allowed more access to the TV, computer, Kindle, Ipod, etc...than necessary, eat crappy food loaded with hormones and chemicals, and have privileges that we do not need. In my Utopian life  there is very limited access to media, our food is whole, home made and organic - where I can pronounce the name of every ingredient that they are putting into their bodies, where we actually do things as a family - eat, play, hang out, and where life is simple.

I used to think that my wavering between these two lifestyles was a weakness - that I wasn't strong enough to stay living as close to my Utopian life as possible therefore I had failed not only myself, but my kids as well. I don't see it that way anymore - another positive bi-product of this crazy year of discovery I have been on, I suppose. I see my wavering as a sign of strength because even though I fall prey to the temptations and ease of "normal" life I always get back on track and go back to the ways of living which ring true to my heart. I have often said that I constantly feel like I am in a canoe trying to get upstream without any paddles. I feel the weight of being normal resting on my back trying to crush me and bring me to my knees - trying to force me to believe in the values and accepted practices of most of those around me.

The good news for me is that I have never really felt normal, not even growing up. I have always felt a bit odd and out of place, and I have, over time, learned that being normal isn't always a good thing. Slavery was once considered normal in the South - that definitely was not a good thing. Women were openly oppressed and considered second class citizens less than 100 years ago - that normal behavior wasn't a good thing either. Today I find it to be a normal practice for us to dumb ourselves down by allowing someone else (that someone usually being someone who makes money off of our lack of knowledge) to make our decisions for us. No longer do we make our own food - we buy the bread we eat, the vegetables, fruits, and dairy we consume come from some far off place usually laden with chemicals and fertilizers that their use in our food supply should be questionable at best. We no longer practice animal husbandry (in which the farmer respected the well-being of the animal it would eventually slaughter for human consumption), but rather animal science (in which huge corporations own the majority of livestock, and have absolutely no vested interest in the respect that the animal deserves.) We no longer consult mother nature on medical remedies that worked so well for hundreds of years instead we have placed our trust in pharmaceutical companies who profit from our illnesses. We no longer make our own clothes, rather we go to the store and buy a product made in a far away place. We allow the bright  and flashy colors of magazines, commercials, and such to sell us "happiness" when the only thing that consumption brings us is a bigger ball and chain to the life most of us consider "normal", and are subconsciously trying to hard to get away from.

If I could start over and live my life the way that my truth speaks loudest to me - I would buy a piece of property that had some land. I would raise a few chickens for eggs. I would grow a big vegetable garden and home school my kids (yes, I said the much feared word - home school!!!). I would have at least 2 more children, and live in a log cabin. I would be as self sustainable as I could be. I would teach my children to ALWAYS question what people tell you. I would live a simple life.

Unfortunately, all of that is not going to happen anytime soon. If I am going to move my children I am going to move them far away. Otherwise, I am keeping them in the community that they currently live in which to my knowledge has zero large tracts of land to purchase. I am not sure that the 2 more children thing would work either. For starters, I think my husband would have a heart attack if I mentioned this to him, and after having 4 c-sections I am not sure that my body could handle 2 more. I can grow that garden that I talked about, and actually plan on having a very small one this year.As for teaching my kids to always question things - we already do that. And home schooling my kids - we'll see. The state of our education system is a mess, but for now I am going to keep them where they are at.

I am learning to depend on myself more and more to be able to do the things that 100 years ago families did naturally. I am slowly learning to keep a house, and am defining what that means to me. One step at a time is all that I can take - one small decision to live my Utopian life at a time. I may not be able to live my dream life 100% of the way I would like to, but certainly I can come pretty darn close.