I know that a lot of you have probably figured this out a long time ago, but I can be a VERY slow learner sometimes. I am finally figuring out that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that sometimes you just have to let go of finding out what that reason is right then. Life will let you know what it has in store for you when the time is right, and even though things may not make sense at the present moment it will all be sorted out in the future. I pray that it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn this lesson because I have been fighting it all my life really, but intensely for the last 9+ months. Trying to make deals with God, begging, crying, yelling, throwing a tantrum, behaving in anyway that I felt necessary to try and make God reveal His plan for me. It didn't work - NOT ONE LITTLE BIT. It was only once I accepted my life as it was instead of trying to move on before this phase was over - only once I had accepted that there certain things in my life that I have absolutely no control over, and to let those things go - THEN the next phase presented itself. Just like that - poof - out of the blue came not one, but TWO potential opportunities!
As Bob and I wrestled with the decision to proceed with any job opportunities that would take us away from our current community (in which there was a job posting that would take us far away) - up popped a job posting that would be a promotion for him AND would keep us right here. Funny how that worked out.
So we made the decision to apply for both opportunities, the one that would take us far away and the one right in our own backyard. We decided that we would no longer have to struggle with the decision of whether to stay or to go because that decision was essentially taken out of our hands. It was as if God knew how much my husband (and to a lesser extent myself) struggled with the idea of taking our family away from extended family - knew how much (unnecessary) guilt he carried around in his heart, and said, "I will make this burden easier for you. I will carry it, and show you where you are meant to be." It was, to say the least, amazing. We made the decision to not tell any family members about either job opportunity as neither of them might pan out and there is no reason to expose our families to the emotions that come with a job that may or may not come to fruition. We have put them through too much this past year by sharing every opportunity we were going to try for that didn't work out for one reason or another.
I feel none of the anxiety that I have felt before when job opportunities have presented themselves. I truly feel that what is meant to be will be. There is a possibility that none of these opportunities will pan out, and I am okay with that too. We will be where we are meant to be. I know that now. I have learned that lesson the hard way.
If we go, I have decided to give up my dream of having another child (I think). It would be too much on my children to ask them to move to a new location, and add a baby into that mix as well. I would instead focus solely on them and making the transition to a new community as easy for them as I possibly can. This will make my heart sad, but I know that it is the right thing to do.
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| (Picture taken from: wikipedia.org) |
If we stay, I am pretty certain that we will choose to have the tubal reversal surgery. If we end up getting either the promotion here or if my husband ends up staying in his current position we will sit tight here for a while, and live our lives surrounded by our current friends and family.
| Picture taken from: commons.wikimedia.org |
I know in my heart and soul - in the deepest depths of me - that all three possibilities will lead me to exactly where I was meant to be. I feel that the angst has been taken away, and my life's journey (at this point) is in someone else's hands. I am okay giving that control over for now. I feel released from the burdens of trying to make my own way. Of trying to force things that were never meant to be for me anyway. It is a great feeling.
One nice thing about letting go of trying to control my own life - of whoring ourselves out as I have said in the past - is that I can finally enjoy the ride. Through each step of the application process I am being conscious and aware of my thoughts and feelings. I cross each step off, and wait patiently for the next step to come. Sometimes, we have waited a bit longer for the next step to come than we were hoping, but I knew that it would all be okay. (There was only one time when I called my husband frantically having a near panic attack about the whole process and how long it was taking, but I quickly calmed myself back down with his help. That alone speaks volumes about how far I have come. I used to be in near panic attack mode 24/7 on previous opportunities. It was completely stressful and draining. I think that is why this experience has been so amazing to me. I have been living my daily life focused on that, and will allow thoughts to enter my mind, let sit for a bit and then I release them back out into the land of the future unknown.)
I am excited for this new journey. I am excited to see if I am going to be staying in the community I currently live in, in the city that I know, with the friends and family that I love. I am equally excited to see if I am going to be moving to a warmer climate with an exciting culture so different from our existing one. Either way it will be an adventure, and I am most definitely up for the ride.
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