A Step in the Right Direction

Sarah is off of her steroids. The kids are outside playing, and I can hear their laughter fill the house. It makes me smile.

Sarah's neurologist called this morning. Got the Spinal Tap results back - confirmed that his gut feeling was right - she for certain has MS. (He told us it would come back this way when he admitted her to the hospital, but I secretly wished the results would disprove his medical experience and his gut instincts.) I felt numb this morning.

Made homemade sandwich bread and french bread from scratch this afternoon. I felt like I was accomplishing something. It made my heart happy to be able to provide my family with food made by my own two hands.

Went to two open houses yesterday, and came home and had a melt down. Was angry because of the medical bills piling up. Was angry because I wanted to be able to provide more for my children than this tiny house. Was angry because every single darn time we try to better ourselves and our family (i.e. bigger home, bigger career) it all comes crashing down on us. Was angry because I am tired of feeling like God is constantly peeing in my Wheaties. Scared my husband because my freak out was so bad. Woke up feeling like poop because my house was still a wreck, my life seems like a wreck, my kids lives seem like - can you guess what I am going to say next? - a wreck. Told Bob I was going to get a part time job because I want more. More home, more vacations, more everything. Bob told me to hold tight, and we would have all of that - just not quite yet. Told me getting a job is not yet necessary.

Took Sarah to her class picnic this afternoon, and watched her with her friends. Watched the sparkle in her eye glimmer in the sunshine. Listened to her laughter. Realized that if I got a job I couldn't take her to things like this because I would be at work. Made me realize how much of all of their lives I would miss if I went back to work. Made me feel foolish for even thinking about doing so.

Decided the best way I can help with the finances is to cut back on my gigantic grocery budget. Went grocery shopping - bought 90% organic whole foods. Took me forever to shop, but felt proud that I was able to contribute in a positive way. Plan on making a lot of items from scratch. Spent $100 less than I normally would have just by vowing to make as much of my foods as I can. Put that plan into action today. Made chocolate chip cookies, french bread, sandwich bread from scratch. Made baked ziti for dinner with a salad. Have leftovers of both - didn't throw it away for once - and will reuse it for a leftover night. Felt good.

Came in to type this blog - one of my only outlets right now - and wanted to cry at the mess in the office/playroom. Will take me hours to get it all organized. Chastised myself for letting it get this bad to begin with. Thought of leaving and not blogging. Thought again about how much I enjoy blogging, and decided blog anyway in spite of the mess.

Got sad that Sarah has MS. Still waiting for the nightmare to be over. Got sadder that I am still waiting for the nightmare to be over, and haven't grasped reality yet. Got angry that a child, but especially my child, was diagnosed with such a potentially devastating disease. Vowed to do what ever I could to help find a cure. Vowed that I would eventually have some words with God because there is no way in hell that I am ready to make peace with him/her without doing so. Realized that I am not ready yet to make peace with God because I am still so angry I could spit nails.

Continue to hear my kids yelling and laughing while playing outside, and can feel their childlike joy warm my heart. Feel grateful (I didn't think I would ever use that word in my life again) that I have such awesome kids, and an awesome husband, and an awesome family, and an awesome community who have all been so generous in their love and time and prayers for my Sarah and for all of us. Feel with a deep certainty that our preaching 'family first' to the kids is working. Grateful that I was brought up to think of 'family first', so that I can pass it down to my kids.

Feel that I will get through this one step at a time. Some moments will be ugly, and some beautiful. As time goes on I am hoping for more beautiful moments than ugly, but for now I will take what I can get. Just a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think I was ever going to have another beautiful moment again, and as it always does - time proved me wrong. One foot in front of the other. Little by little. Family first - always.