Random Thoughts

I cannot sleep tonight. My brain is racing a mile a minute, and I cannot seem to slow it down. Like a ping pong, my thoughts keep going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth between several thoughts - most of them centering around the MS Pedal to the Point fundraiser I have entered in honor of Sarah.

I worry that I will not be able to complete even the minimum of 30 miles that the bike race requires let alone the 175 I am currently signed up for. I will feel like a complete failure, and I am nervous that I am too weak both physically and mentally to complete even the shortest of the routes offered. I am worried that the donors who are so generously giving up their time and money to support this cause will be so disappointed if I fail to make it 30 miles. Most importantly, I think about Sarah, who does not have a choice in whether she gets to be strong physically and mentally. This disease has taken away her choices physically, and mentally she has no choice to not be anything but strong. I worry that I will quit if the race gets too hard for me whereas she has no choice. She cannot quit the race for her health even if she would like to.

I also worry about not raising very much money. I think about how prior to Sarah's diagnosis I most likely would not have given much of a thought to someone else's plight. I would have felt sympathy for the family, for sure, but if I was asked to give of my time and money I most likely would have said I was too busy or money too tight. I was selfish with my resources - I still am - and I worry that this will come back to bite not only me, but Sarah too. I am worried that Karma is going to laugh in my face at my monetary goals for the MS race, and give back to me what I have given out to those I know who have been in need in the past - very little. My lack of compassion and kindness for others' plights haunts me now, and I worry that it will be Sarah that will have to pay for my transgressions. In my life, I have always hidden behind my children, using the excuses that I have been/am too busy to help out because I am raising my 4 children when the reality is that I could have helped out but I am just a pretty selfish person when it comes to certain things.

Finally, I am worried about how terrible of a receiver I am. The community, my family, friends, and even those I know very little, have offered so much support and help, and I have turned 95% of it away. This is going to sound completely terrible, but a lot of the time I will turn help away because I don't want to feel like  owe anyone anything. (Even writing that sentence makes me feel yucky because I feel like it reveals the dark side of my heart). The crazy thing is that most of the people who have offered to help, I know, would never feel like my family was indebted to them for anything. They are offering their help because they are generous, loving , people who genuinely care about Sarah and our family, and just want to try and make our lives a bit easier during this trying time.  I don't like relying on anyone for anything. I never have really, and this situation is forcing me to look at that part of me and question why I am that way and what I can do to change that part of myself.

So, there it is...these are the thoughts that I am having at 2 am. Hopefully, now that I have gotten them off of my chest I can go to bed and get some rest. Sarah has a neurology appointment tomorrow at 9 am, and I would like to not seem like a zombie when I take her to it.