The Gift

Do you have a special place where you go to from time to time where, once there, your whole demeanor changes? Maybe it is standing on the shores of the ocean. Feeling the wind blow in your hair and smelling salt water as its essence seeps into your soul. Maybe it is deep in the woods where little sunlight seeps through, but the sounds of Mother Nature abound. Maybe it is a family retreat by a lake where the calm waters restore your sense of balance.

It is the place where you can breathe and exhale all of the baggage and garbage you have been carrying around inside of you since the last time that you stood in this sacred place.  It is the place where you mark time. The place where you can look back and see just how far you have come in all ways: spiritually, mentally, physically, financially, and then look to the future knowing that you will look back that next year in the same spot on how far you have come this year. It is the place where you feel whole. Where bills and worries seem to fade away even if only for a week. It is a place that nourishes your soul. It is a place where you feel most authentic and most restored. It is the place you go to in your mind when life is hard and you just want to be any where else than where you are right now. It is the place that you have a calendar and count down the days in anticipation of when you can plant your own two feet on that ground again not just in mind, but in body.


Special places offer a respite from every day life. They are magical. They are transforming.

I spent the last few years in Ohio pretty miserable. I had good times, for sure, but over all I wasn't very happy. I was discouraged because God wasn't listening to my "talks" with him. It was quiet on his end for a very long time. I don't do well with silence. The most obvious issue was Sarah's disease, but there were other things too. Bob had gone on to acquire his MBA and he had taken a temporary assignment in Chicago for 7 months that we were hoping would turn into a permanent promotion. There numerous jobs he interviewed for and given to others. All the while he was being told that he was doing a great job and the right thing would come along in time. It was disheartening. Our house was too small for us, but we couldn't sell it because we bought it at the height of the market and our area of Ohio took a big hit during the housing recession. After years and years of paying a mortgage we had almost nothing to show for it. We felt stuck without options in so many areas of our lives. Feeling like you have no options creates a feeling hopelessness.  It was a dark time to say the least. And it seemed to last forever.

I know that some of you can feel me. In fact, I would venture to say that many of you have been in dark places. You know what it feels like to truly think you will never see the light again. And then you do. And whatever pulled you up while you took the time to heal yourself you are forever grateful for. The gratitude is deep. The deepest of deep and until you have been in the darkness you do not know what true gratitude is. You do not know what it means to be thankful for something or someone so much that the tips of your toes feel that gratitude. Your whole being fills with such contentment you just burst out laughing, or screaming that you made it through, or thanking God that He led you out of the darkness. For those of you who know what I mean no more words are necessary...you just know.

And after what seemed like an eternity the sun came out. God answered my pleas to please give us options. To offer me some hope that all of our hard work was not for naught. Within a weeks time we heard word of a job in Las Cruces. Three interviews were had, an offer was made, and a promotion accepted. I was moving to land of sun.

This place is God's gift to me. This place is heaven on earth.  From day one this place knew I was weary and just embraced my soul. It quietly showed me all the ways it could heal me. It gently let me unload my baggage in all of its sacred spots. The land waited patiently for me to be ready to begin each new journey of healing that I needed to go on from my faith to my mental health and now my physical health. The beauty of this place takes my breath away daily. This place is alive and I get to experience it every day. I get to use its love and wisdom to help make myself whole maybe for the first time in my life. When I moved here I was broken. I just needed to feel some light. I needed to breath in and know that everything would be okay. This place certainly has delivered. Here are the things that I am most grateful for:

 My faith.

 I know that this may sound corny, but I found God in the desert. He was always with me of course, but it wasn't until I came to the desert that I was able to see Him. Committing myself to being a follower of Christ has been life altering. I see God everywhere out here and for a long, long, long time I could not see Him at all. He brought me here because He knew I would my open my eyes to His Grace.

 The Organ Mountains.

 The mountains here are one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid eyes on. They produced Soledad Canyon one of the most important places in my life. They are majestic. They remind me that I am small and that the things I stress about really aren't worth it. The fact that I get to look at this mountains from my front yard or just about any place I travel in this city is a gift in and of itself. 

 The sky.

 Every night I get to watch the sun setting from my backyard. No evening is the same. I get to be reminded every night that tomorrow is a new day with new hopes and inspiration to be had. After the sun sets I get to see stars so numerous I could not even begin to count them. I have seen a comet shooting through the desert sky. An amazing sight to behold. I have seen more shooting stars here than I have in my whole life. I am once again reminded of how insignificant I am. I need that sometimes as I make my problems out to be world altering. It is nice to be reminded that not only are my problems not world altering they are not even significant. Perspective like that is a good thing.

 I live in a land where the sky seems to go on forever. And the different hues of blue (and purple) I have seen the sky to be with my own two eyes cannot be put into words. To be able to look in every direction and see nothing but sky for miles and miles and miles is breathtaking. Sometimes the sky seems so far away and others it seems as if all I had to do to touch it would be to put my hand up in the air.  I have seen storms rolling in from the distance. And watched as the rain slowly made its way to me. I have seen rainbows more vibrant than if I had drawn one on paper with the best of crayons. The sky, too,  just absolutely takes my breath away.

The clouds.  

 Billowing clouds that seem to reach the heavens. I have seen thunder heads rolling in from the distance and watched the best lightning storms I have ever seen from my backyard. I have seen clouds that look waves washing over the mountains. Truly a sight to see. I have seen clouds that look just like a child stacked a group of cotton balls one on top another. I have seen clouds that look the purest of white against the azure landscape behind them. I have seen black clouds rushing in waiting to unleash a torrent of rain.

 The sunsets. 

They deserve their own category because of their uniqueness and impact on my heart. Each one seems to take my breath away. (Are you noticing a theme here?) Each one asks me to pause my life to watch it display its individuality on the backdrop of a fading blue sky. I have seen sunsets light up the edges of clouds so that they appeared to be on fire. I have seen  white clouds turn a brilliant pink then fade to a soft purple as nighttime takes over for its evening shift. 

Every day is like living on a vacation here. Nature has always been the way that I get centered again. The way that I find my way back to myself. To be able to live in that environment every day was something that I never imagined possible for me. I get to marvel at the beauty that God has to offer me. I get to be reminded each day over and over again that this is actually my life. I am actually living in Las Cruces, New Mexico. There are actually places on this earth so beautiful that its scenery stops you in your tracks time and time again. And I get to also be reminded each and every day that this is all a gift. Nothing is guaranteed which is why I appreciate this with every ounce of my being. I know what darkness looks like. I am so utterly thankful that I now get to live in the light - even if it doesn't last forever.

 I thank God for allowing me the time here to heal. I came down here depleted and sick in just about every way. Slowly, I am learning what it means to be healthy. I have faith now where I didn't before. I have a purpose in life outside of my children which is to take care of those in need just as Jesus would have done. I am exercising regularly. Eating healthy. Going to church. Taking time in nature all of the time. I desperately needed this place so much. I needed to heal.

I am so blessed. The killer for me right now is that I know that this isn't going to last. Which to be honest, I knew that from the beginning, but the more it becomes real the more scary it is to me. Bob is doing a great job in current position. So much so that he is on a fast track for his career which means that most likely we will be leaving this sacred ground sometime in 2016. To think of doing this sends me into a panic. It makes me want to grip my nails into the earth and cry out, "please don't take me from here!",  I will always view Las Cruces as the best gift I could have ever been given. The whole place is so magical. Enchanted even. So I will take the time I have left here, however long that is, and I will work towards wholeness. I have to trust that God will not let me go until He knows that I am ready.  Every day is a gift. I do not take that for granted. I have heart full of gratitude for this all that this land of enchantment has to offer me because I remember what it was like to be in the darkness.