Will It All Have Seemed Like A Dream?

By this time, two weeks from today, my family will have left Las Cruces for Portland. The 5 of us have 13 days in this great state and this dream-come-true city. I was thinking last night how these past (almost) two months have been a blur of frustrations and aggravations and disappointments caused by this move and that I have been so distracted by these things that I have not been able to enjoy my last few weeks here. Almost all of these negative emotions are related to this damn house and shady contractors and I am thankful to leave home ownership behind for the time being.

Josh and I went to the store last night to pick up a few items. As we were driving to our destination he  talked about how he was ready to move and that he just wanted to get these next couple of weeks over with. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that the soccer team he played for last season has now disbanded and half of the players are going in one direction and the other half are going in another. The dream is over for him here and he is looking forward to new dreams up north. I also think it will be hard to leave his buddies that he hangs out with outside of soccer and just wants to tear the bandage off and leave verse dragging it out these next two weeks. I can understand that mentality as I have felt that way before in certain situations.

I am also ready to move, but mainly because I am ready to get out of this house and into our new home and be reunited as a family. One thing that moving around has taught me is that as long as my family is together I can move anywhere and do just about anything. Even though Bob worked a lot while here in Cruces I also knew that he was in the same space as me and that always gave me comfort. Knowing that he is so far away makes me feel incomplete here. I just want to be with him and feel whole. I want to be able to experience the life that we have built as a family together - not 1600 miles apart.

We are having our huge garage sale this weekend and once I get through that I will feel a bit better. I am nervous about the sale. What if no one comes? What if I cannot sell this stuff? It certainly isn't going to come with me...

When I do have quiet moments in my head and I am able to reflect on my time here and what these last 19 months have meant to me I think I am most afraid that this place and its beauty will fade from my memory. In the grand scheme of Life we will have only lived here for such a short time frame. How on earth will I be able to hold the beauty of the natural world around me as well as the spirit of the people who reside here in my heart? As time marches forward will the details of this life we have built here become nonexistent?  The fear that this may happen tears me up inside. I love Las Cruces and its people so much. So, so much. It would crush me if I could no longer remember the finite details that I have come to love so deeply.

I wonder if living here will have seemed like a dream. A very sweet wonderful dream.

There is still much to be done here before we leave. There is one more contractor coming out to the property next week to repair the hail damage we incurred two weeks ago. And then the movers are coming June 7,8,9. There are homeschooling families that we need to say good-bye to. And there are our surrogate family members here that we need to spend as much time with as we can before we say 'until next time'. There is also two weekends of soccer to be had. A small 3x3 tournament this Saturday and then a regular tournament (Josh's last one as a Striker) next weekend in El Paso. (It is aptly named the Sun Bowl and I cannot think of a better name for a soccer send off than that.) Then, of course, there is the farewell nature tour - places that we want to visit one last time - Soledad Canyon, Aguirre Springs, A Mountain, Cloudcroft, and White Sands.

These next two weeks are going to tear me up. I am looking forward to the future  while also feeling such a deep sense of gratitude for the life I have been privileged enough to live these last 19 months. Life is good in Las Cruces. I pray that I never forget that.

Joshua - The Birthday Boy

Today Josh celebrated his 14th birthday. Just as with Andy I am amazed that my youngest son is now 14. And although it is a simplistic concept I cannot wrap my head around how these years have gone by so fast.

The changes Josh has experienced this past year are vast and very evident. There are the physical changes such as the fact that my son is now as tall as me. (Although I won't admit that to him yet and I pretend I still am a hair or two taller than he is.) His voice betrays the fact that he is closer in years to being man than a child. It's deepness is something I am still getting used to. He has experienced emotional changes as well. He is trying to once again find his way in the world and is doing his best to find his boundaries by testing me and my limits. Although this may seem very, very strange I take comfort that Josh is using me to test the limits because it means that he is most comfortable with me and knows that he can push, but I will not walk away. He knows that my love is deeper and more everlasting than harsh words or shrugged shoulders and rolled eyes will ever be. I feel honored that my son, who chooses not to get close to too many people, has allowed me into his inner circle. I know that this may not always be the case as he grows and so I cherish these years most especially.

Today Josh spent the day with his closet buddies. They arrived at our house at 8 am and woke him up to take him out to breakfast. He then spent the afternoon swimming with them and hanging out. He ended up having soccer practice which was perfect (and nice because the kids had over had practice too), and then afterwards ordered some dinner, Sonic drinks, and is having a sleepover with these same good buddies who woke him up this morning.

Josh spent his day not doing anything flashy - that isn't his style - rather he spent the day doing simple things with those he cares about the most. He was surrounded by family and friends who love him. What more could you ask for?

I cannot get this kid to take a serious picture anymore!!!

And Then There Were 5

Bob arrived in Portland in the early evening hours last night. His plane with American Airlines didn't incur any delays or cancellations which makes me want to send AA a 'thank you' gift for getting the job done right since it happens so infrequently.

The kids and I straightened up the house after dropping Bob off at the airport and the girls began getting some of their items ready for our garage sale next weekend. I am a nervous wreck about the sale because I have so much stuff that I need to unload and I am worried that I am not going to be able to do so.

After straightening up I took the kids to our favorite Mexican restaurant where we had an early dinner. We came home and the youngest 3 played in the pool. When they got too cold to swim anymore we headed over to the local school's playground where they all played together. When it got dark we headed back to the house where we hung out and talked.

I didn't sleep very well last night because I usually don't when Bob isn't here. I kept alternating between sleeping and having a million thoughts entering my mind about the garage sale, the insurance claim we filed, getting the repair work done in time for us to leave, getting the house on the market, Josh's birthday on Wednesday, & getting my tooth fixed. (I had a root canal and crown put in my mouth about a month ago, but something is wrong because my tooth is killing me where the crown is. I cannot even eat on that side of my face and Motrin does not alleviate all of the pain.) I have a feeling a good night's sleep is going to be elusive until my family is reunited again permanently.

While I am incredibly grateful for all of the amazing opportunities that Bob's employer has allowed us to experience being left behind to close out a chapter of our lives isn't fun at all. Tying up loose ends and making sure that all the boxes are checked on our humongous checklist is really hard for me. I am hoping that by renting our next place the move will be quicker and something that we can all do at one time verse sending Bob out first and then the 5 of us follow weeks later. Although, at least we are going to be reunited in 17 days. When we moved to Las Cruces we were apart for 7 weeks!

It is weird not having Bob here and knowing that he won't be coming back here to do anything else other than pick us up to drive us to our new home. This place feels incomplete. And even though Bob worked a lot it was still a comfort to know that he was just right down the road. Now if the poop hits the fan he is really far away. Thankfully, I have an amazing group of people that I can call if I need help.

17 days and then we will be 6 again. I hope that the time doesn't drag on forever. This morning seems to be lasting days. Today it is hard to enjoy being here without wishing the days away to be reunited as a whole family again.

An 'A' Mountain Sunset

Yesterday was Bob's last full day as a resident of New Mexico. He gets on a plane today at 2:30 mst to head north to begin the next chapter in our family's life. One of the things that he had wanted to do prior to leaving was to head up to the top of A Mountain one last time. Because it was kinda hot here during most of the day we had decided to head up around sunset and and brought flashlights to use should we have needed them to accompany us back down the trail.

Sarah was completely on board with this hike which was amazing because it can be such a difficult journey for her, but she knew that this was going to be her last time up as well and wanted to make the trek. Bob took Sarah up the mountain while I took the two dogs and the other three kiddos. We took different trails as I needed to take the shortest trail up because I knew that it was going to be torture for me to climb to the top since I hadn't been up there in so long. Bob needed to take the trail that was the most seeing impaired friendly. (Note: there really isn't one.)

It should be no surprise that the kids, dogs, and I made it up first, so we waited for Sarah and Bob and cheered her on those last few steps once she got close to the summit. Watching her climb to the top brought tears to my eyes because she is amazing. In those moments when I get to see her climb a mountain (both literally and figuratively) and come out on top despite her struggles to get there I know that that everything will be okay for her in her life to come.  She is so much tougher and braver than I give her credit for. I would also like to give kudos to Elizabeth who was cheering Sarah on the loudest by clapping and yelling down encouragement to her. One of Elizabeth's strengths is that she is a great partner to have on your side to cheer you on. She is incredibly supportive and, in this instance, was just as excited as Sarah was that Sarah made it to the top.

We hung out all together and watched the amazing sunset. The pictures that I have for you will never do that sunset a lick of justice. I hope someday, if your heart desires, that you will be able to watch a New Mexico sunset. Better yet, I hope that you get to watch a Las Cruces sunset. There will never be adequate words to describe its beauty.

Arriving near the top of the mountain.

She did it! I wonder what she is thinking about?

Las Cruces is beautiful...

While it looks barren and brown and without life I have learned that this is not true. There is so much beauty here both immediately visual to the eye and also just below the surface if you are willing to take the time to look. 

Life is good in Las Cruces.

Two Roads

(Photo courtesy of Pinterest)

2 &20 Days

Bob leaves on Sunday to begin the next chapter of our life. 2 days. That's it. How can one actually absorb all of the goodness and beauty that New Mexico offers in just two days?

I am thankful the kids and I have 20 days left. At least that still seems like enough time to get to some of those last minute spots that stole my heart over the course of these last 19 months. The kids and I want to visit Cloudcroft one more time and then hit up White Sands. I need to go to my beloved Soledad Canyon one more time and absorb as much of its wonder into my brain as I possibly can. I also need to climb up A Mountain one more time and look down on the valley below and the mountains in front of me.

20 days. Man, that doesn't seem like long at all.

The insurance adjuster comes out on Monday to assess our damages. Who would have guessed that we would have water/hail damage living in the desert?! Twice. Tuesday another repair man will visit to fix yet another thing that is working quite right that I don't want the future owners to have to deal with. It's never fun when you are trying to fix the issues the people you bought a house from to make sure that the people who buy the house from you don't have to deal with. The week after, supposedly, we have a roofing company coming out to fix the external and internal damages caused by hail/water. Once that work is completed our house will finally be ready to put on the market. I am a bit nervous that the roofer will not keep his word that he will repair our home in two weeks. His company has work for the next four months because of the round of hail storms we have had here in the last year. He is squeezing us in and rearranging his schedule to get our work done, but we have been burned by contractors before so I am not holding my breath. (Maybe say a prayer that it will all work out as it should.) I am going to have put my big girl boots on as I feel that these contractors deal with men better than women, but with Bob being 1600 miles away they are going to have to deal with me, and I am going to have to have some pretty great BS detectors on in order to make sure the work that needs to get done gets done without being overcharged. The only thing that keeps me sane are the thoughts that everything will work out and that karma is a you-know-what when you screw people over.

Josh still has some soccer playing left, and I am thankful that his work with his current team is not yet done. He will be playing in a 3x3 tournament Memorial Day weekend and then the following weekend in a tournament with his whole team in El Paso. It will be a bit weird as I am pretty sure that he is going to be playing on the team as a guest player instead of a legit one. This understandable of course because we are moving the following week and it isn't fair for him to take a spot on a team that he will not be playing with next season. I am so very grateful that we will have an opportunity to officially close his soccer season out with this team. That first weekend in June will be an awful special one for our family. It will be emotional as well, but it is only this way because this team means so much to us.

Now that I have an official order of operations here prior to our move I am feeling much better. The adjuster, the last repairman, the roofing company, an estate sale, the realtor putting the house on the market, the movers coming, and then finally Bob coming back to take us to our new home is what our to do list looks like. I am excited by the adventure that the Northwest presents, but I am so afraid that I will not love it like I love living here.

2 & 20 days. There is so much to be done. There is so much to experience. Life is good in Las Cruces.

As It Should Be

I am sitting outside at our picnic table watching these beautiful, white, fluffy, cotton ball replicate clouds mosey on by in the picture perfect blue sky, and I cannot help but feel a deep and unabiding sense of gratitude for the life I get to live. I have realized these past few weeks that not everyone who wishes to travel gets to, and that it is only because of my husband's employer that we are getting to experience this country and all of the vastness and wonder that it offers. This fact makes me feel even more grateful.

As we work through all that needs to be accomplished when a family moves from one part of the country to another I cannot help but reflect on all the ways I have been stretched and molded these last 18 months while living in this beautiful land called Las Cruces. After having done a bit traveling around different cities and parts of not only this state, but Arizona as well I realize just how blessed we are to have been able to experience the exceptional life that only Las Cruces could have offered to us. Albuquerque, a part of the state that many love, didn't capture my heart the way Las Cruces has. When I visited Phoenix the people there did not have the love that the people of Las Cruces carry in their heart and share with anyone willing to open themselves up to it. Las Cruces has lived up to my expectations as the land of sun and light and have offered me even more than I could have imagined. There are places that touch a person deeply and leave their stamp on their hearts and souls forever. Las Cruces has done that for me.

I knew from the very beginning that my time in the Land of Enchantment was going to be but a brief stint of my (God willing) long life. I got to appreciate all the beauty here while overlooking the things that the natives find so taxing about life in the desert because I knew that I wouldn't be here forever. I never thought in a million years that I would have home that overlooked a valley that housed the city I have come to love so very much. I would have never thought that I would have something as simple as a beautiful inground pool. I never thought that I would live in a house that most would find of average size and realize how much I detest the house for that same size that so many wouldn't think twice about. I never thought that I would live in a land where the sky is visible to eye for miles and miles. I never thought I would live someplace that offered a natural landscape that was so breathtaking I found myself constantly caught off guard at its every day beauty.

This chapter of my life has shown me so, so, so much. It has made realize just how much I don't want to live an average life and how, because of Bob's employer, I have the opportunities that most only dream about. I don't take that lightly. For whatever reason God has deemed me and my family worthy enough to get to live this extraordinary life outside the boundaries of all that is normal and acceptable. While living in Las Cruces I have learned that I think outside the box all of the time and that instead of fretting and fearing that I am messing my children up because I think this way that I should embrace my thought patterns.  God would not have placed my children in my care if he didn't think that they would thrive under my weird ways. Instead of trying to find ways in which I can reconcile my thoughts and ideals with what the modern world thinks is ideal I am beginning to see that I just need to live my life with my unusual ideals and be at peace with their unusualness. Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? As my husband tells me time and time again: I do what I want. Why should I let my perceptions of how the outside world sees me change what I believe and how I live my life?

I often think that a lot more people I know would love to just let go and live a life that is so different from the one they currently are living, but they either feel that they cannot because of financial reasons or they feel they cannot because they are afraid to live a different life. I have felt both emotions. I still am afraid of some of the choices Bob and I are making for the future of our family because they are different from the life that we live now.

When Bob's new boss first approached him about the possibility of us moving to Portland I had trouble sleeping night after night because I knew that we had an opportunity to make some radicals changes as a family and I was petrified of what that would look like not only for myself, but for my kids as well. There are patterns of normalcy that we have gotten into while living here in Las Cruces that I don't want to repeat again somewhere else. There are things that we are currently doing in our every day lives that are robbing us of our ability to see life as an adventure. They are sucking our time up and making us comatose without us even realizing it. You only live once and nothing is guaranteed in this life, so why am I allowing certain things to invade our family's life and rob us of experiences?

I am sure some of you may be wondering what changes we are going to be making. There are many small changes we are making, but there are three big ones that I would like to share with you.

1.) We are getting rid of our TV and our video game systems. Having a screen free home (minus one computer) is going to be a huge blessing once the shock wears off of not having electronics to fall back on. I have long wanted to get rid of the TV because it is a time sucker and a way to waste life away. Up to this point we have kept our TV because marriage requires compromise and Bob wanted to keep the TV. Thankfully, he approached me about getting of it before we moved to Portland because he wants our family to experience all that the Pacific Northwest has to offer. We cannot do that if we are sucked into the latest TV shows and video games. I am soooo excited to see what creative ideas we will come up with in a TV free home.


2.) We are downsizing tremendously. Part of this reason has to do with the fact that Portland is incredibly expensive and housing is pretty hot right now. Most of the reason has to do with the fact that I am just wired differently, and after living in a 3200 square foot home I realize just how much that lifestyle isn't for me. I don't need a big house to show the world how great I am (or actually Bob is) or how successful we are. At the end of my life God isn't going to give me bonus points for having a big house filled with fancy things. In fact, it is my belief that God will look at all of my materialism and ask me why I didn't share my financial resources with those truly in need.  I am not saying that we should all have the same size houses and the same cars, etc...What I am saying is that as a Christian it is my job to do as Jesus did and he helped those in need. I believe that our family only needs so much to be happy and that those things don't include big houses with fancy things. I will take a small house with nice unfancy things any day. Because of this move, I now have the ability to put my words into actions. And I plan on doing just that. The places that we are currently looking at have anywhere between 1050 -1500 square feet. It will be an adjustment for sure, but a positive one most definitely.

3.) We are going to rent an apartment instead of buying a home. I know that it seems counterproductive to not buy a home. After all buying a home and the white picket fence are the American Dream, right? Not for this girl. I am not saying that we will never buy a home again, but at this stage in our life it doesn't make sense. We don't think that we will be in Portland for that long, and buying a home in a place you aren't going to spend more than a year or two is silly. Plus, it will be so nice to call up the landlord and have him/her fix the broken things instead of having to do that ourselves. Renting will free up our time to live our life.

All is as it should be. Even with the hail damage that we had yesterday that has delayed us putting our house on the market until a new roof is put on and the sprinkler system is fixed via a claim through our insurance company. (Our very first one in 13 years!)  Even with the tire that popped on my way home from dropping Bob off at work today and then our neighbors standing in their doorway watching the boys and I try to change the tire (unsuccessfully) while offering absolutely no help. (Taking the car in tomorrow to be serviced.) Even with the estate sale company I was trying to hire to sell most of our possessions since we do not need them in a smaller space telling me we don't have enough stuff to make it worth their while to sell for us. Even with Bob leaving for Portland on Sunday with so much still to be done here at home in New Mexico. Even with all of the uncertainty of getting our house on the market, having it sell in a short amount of time, and then transitioning to Oregon. All is as it should be. I am going to enjoy all of these crazy chaotic moments because I am never going to get them back. Life is an adventure. A roller coaster ride that I am so thankful and grateful that I get to participate in. My life humbles me every day and makes me full of gratitude. Life is good in Las Cruces.

Weekend 2 of States

Josh's soccer team made it out of the first round at states, but ultimately lost in the second round. It was just one of those games that no matter what the team did they just could not make a shot. The boys dominated most of the game and had the ball on their opponents side of the field taking shot after shot and they just couldn't score. The team ended up losing 1-2 in the second round.

I was okay with the loss. I mean, I wanted Josh's team to continue on, but I felt that the refereeing was very fair and the boys weren't outplayed in the sense that they were not the better team. They were the better team, but their opponents had 1 shot that deserved to go into the net and one shot that was just a lucky shot that shouldn't have gone in, but did for one reason or another.

After the game all of the families went their separate ways and headed back to Las Cruces. Josh was upset about the loss, but he was more upset about not playing with this group of boys again. (There IS a possibility that he will be able to play with some of the kids again as there is another tournament coming up that I am going to do my best for Josh to be able to participate in.) This team has meant the world to Josh. And if I am being honest it has meant the world to me too. I love this group of parents and their boys. I love the chemistry that almost all of us have. Josh loves that he plays with a talented group of boys who he has shared most of his time here in Cruces with. These boys grown together. They have shared ups and downs. Weathered good times and bad. Most importantly, because of what these boys have gone through they are loyal to each other to the end. Loyalty is very important to Josh. He does not invest in a lot of things, but when he does he does it 150%. This team of boys was something he invested heavily in.

I asked Josh on the way home from Albuquerque this weekend if he was sad to leave Las Cruces. He told me that he was ready to leave this town to seek out other places this country has to offer, but that he was not ready to leave his team. Just as he did with his Cuyahoga Falls teammates he will carry his Rio Rapids teammates in his heart forever.

Josh, if you can't tell, is #23.

Taking a PK

3 Years In: The Silver Lining

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of Sarah's diagnosis of an autoimmune disease. God, it seems like a lifetime ago. It is getting harder and harder to remember a life where Sarah could completely see. Or a life in which she had the energy of a "normal" child.  A life without $6000 a year medical bills every year without fail.

3 years in and God only knows how much longer to go. I do not pray for a cure anymore. I pray that no matter what Sarah's future holds - whether it be with or without sight - that it is filled with love, laughter, strength, happiness, and contentment surrounded by people who love her just as much as her father and I do.

While I am no expert at what it is like to be the mother of a child that is abled differently I have learned a thing or two. The silver lining, if you will. I would like to share these things with you on the anniversary that our lives changed forever.


1.) My heart and ability to understand others has grown tremendously.

 Parents of children who are abled differently carry a sense of compassion and understanding in their hearts that no one, no matter how amazing you are, can truly understand or experience unless you are the parent of a child like Sarah. The child with Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, Autism, etc...I get it. I may not know your specific journey and the unique details of the life you are leading as a family, but I understand intimately that these are not the cards you imagined being played to you when you thought of your future as a parent. We are a club, families like ours, a club that we would have never known existed had it not been for our children. It is a club we might not have chosen to be in if we had the choice, but now that we are in it we cannot imagine life any other way.

2.) My confidence in my ability to be my daughter's advocate has grown tremendously.

And this confidence has overflowed into my other children's lives. When Sarah first got sick I assumed that all doctors would have her best interest at heart. I blindly assumed that everyone loved my child the way that Bob and I did, and that everyone would be making sure that she got the care that she not only deserved because she was our beloved child, but also because she was a human being living in the greatest country on the face of the earth. This is not true. Because I know this now I know when to call bullshit on the doctors who give her less than stellar care. Because Sarah is such an anomaly even among autoimmune patients there are many doctors would don't want to care for her because of the complexity her case carries. Sometimes these doctors will try and pass off subpar care as legit care thinking that Bob and I don't know any better. Wrong.

3.) Family first is my family's truest of Truths.

Sarah's illness brought to the forefront my belief in family first. The urgency and immediate needs her disease demanded those first 15 months after diagnosis caused the 6 of us to pull together in a way we might have only scratched surface with had Sarah never gotten sick. I hope that our four children will always be able to rely on one another their whole lives the way they have done these last 3 years. The 6 of us are on this amazing journey that only we can fully understand because we live day in and day out with our life story. The same is true for you and your family. No one knows your story better than those who play a main role.

4.) Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Sarah's journey, our journey, into the world of medical chaos is a constant reminder that nothing is guaranteed in this life. I sometimes look at my daughter when she does not know I am observing her and I will remember a time when we blindly (no pun intended) thought that life was going to go on perfectly forever. That health was a guarantee in life because sickness and disability happened only to other people out there. They could never happen to us. The irony of that line of thinking is not lost on me.

5.) Life is one great adventure.

Going hand in hand with #4 - because nothing is guaranteed in this life - I believe that life should be treated as one great adventure. Why not try new cities and new places? Carpe Diem! I wouldn't have been so bold to live this transient life we are leading had Sarah not shown me that life is too short to not take risks and live fully.

6.) My daughter is one of the strongest, bravest souls to walk this earth.

Sarah has endured more than I care to rehash with you. She has done this all with a wisdom and finesse that brings me to tears when I think about it. She possesses a beauty and grace that I strive live up to daily. She is amazing.

7.) I am stronger, fiercer, and more brave than I ever thought I was.

You have seen me at my lowest points. You have read my words when life has brought me to my knees. You have walked this journey with me through these posts that I write. You have seen me fall time and time again. You have seen me full of fury. And after each fall you have seen me get up. Time and time again. After the fury has subsided you have read my words of gratefulness and thankfulness at what life presented to me. I would never have realized how strong I was until I was truly tested. I would not have known how fierce I was until the most precious thing I have in my life was attacked: my child. And I would not have known the depth of my bravery had I not had to reach deeply to put on a brave face for all of my children. I couldn't have been so brave for myself alone - it was for my children that my bravery ran deep.

8.) Finally, I would not have known what thankfulness and gratitude and hope truly feel like had it not been for Sarah's illness.

I write a lot about being thankful and being grateful for the things in my life. I write about hope.  I wonder if perhaps those words don't grow stale as you read them post after post. Or if you wonder how I could possibly be so thankful or grateful for such simple things sometimes. I can only say this: until you have been through hell on earth you can not feel the true depth that gratitude and thankfulness can offer. I feel those emotions more deeply and more truly after having gone through what our family has these last three years. I know what darkness looks like. I know what it feels like to think there is no end in sight -no light at the end of the tunnel. Because of this I know hope truly does float. And that sometimes in order to get you through the darkness hope carries you - lifts you off of your feet - and walks you towards the light. Sometimes hope picks up the shattered pieces of your heart and holds them for you until you are ready to try and piece it back together. Hope, thankfulness, and gratitude have been lifesavers to me. I will always honor those emotions and share them with you because they have carried me through some of the darkest parts of my life.

On this three year anniversary I suppose I could have shared with you how hard life still is. I could have shared with you the abundant number of days where I come close to throwing in the towel because I feel the weight of this disease on my every day life day in and day out. But, if I did that, then this disease would win. And I promised from day 1 that I would fight this disease until it no longer had a hold on Sarah's body. I will hold true to that until my last breath on this earth. This disease may win some battles, but we will win the war against it. Finding the silver lining is just one way that I can take the upper hand and throw up my middle finger at this s.o.b.

Weekend 1 of States:

Josh's soccer team qualified to participate in the state cup this year, and last weekend we traveled to Albuquerque for what will hopefully be the first of three weekends of tournament play. His team was guaranteed two games - one last weekend and one tomorrow, and then after that (I believe) it is winners stay on and losers go home. The first two games are based on a point system with a win being worth 3 points, a tie worth 1 point, and a loss worth 0 points. Whichever teams came out with the most points after two games got to advance to the next round after which it becomes a winner stays to play; losers go home. Our team got a win last weekend and will play again at 11 am tomorrow. Because of how the other teams fared in our bracket we are able to move onto the third game on Sunday no matter if we have a win, tie, or loss. (If we lose we play our final game on Sunday for 3rd or 4th place. If we tie or win tomorrow's game we go on to compete for the next round of play which will eventually lead to the first place game.)

Although there is a ton going on around here with my parents visiting, Bob's parents visiting prior to that, the Grand Canyon trip last week, and preparing to move I am so thankful that our family will be able to participate in this tournament - Josh as a player and me as an uber fan.

Last week's game was so fun to watch despite the a pretty strong wind that made the air feel very cold. (Well, cold for us South-westerners.) The boys we losing at half time 0-1, but I knew that we were not going to lose the game. We ended up scoring several goals in the second half and won 4-1.

Because Josh's passion is soccer I tend to invest a lot of time in his teams both emotionally and physically. His teams become like my second family. This is especially true out here in New Mexico where my closest relative is 1700 miles away. Some of the families on our team have formed a tight bond and  we spend a good amount of time together away from soccer as well just hanging out both with our children and without. I have grown to love some of these families and I am honored that they drew our family into their nest and treated us as one of their own right from the start.

Tonight I get to travel with Josh, my best gal pal here in Cruces, Lisa, her son, Josh's teammate and very good friend, Tanner , and another teammate and good friend, Eddie Spaghetti. I plan on having a great time as I always do with my soccer family. I plan on enjoying what time I have left here and making the most of it. Bob and the other kids are meeting us up in Albuquerque on Sunday to watch Josh play. It is going to be a very exciting weekend.

Josh was so happy to be able to play on "real grass" in this tournament.

Getting the ball and going with it. 

Our Trip To The Grand Canyon

Life is pretty crazy around here trying to get all  the many things that need to be done for the big move to Portland shortly while also finishing up Josh's soccer season spending every weekend in Albuquerque for the state tournament. It seems as if life is one big blurry list of things to do and places to be. In the midst of all of this I am trying to just breathe because I know that I am going to look back on this time and wish that I had just been here in this space both physically, emotionally, spiritually, fully present for the short while that I have left. So I often find myself just stopping during the day and breathing deeply and focusing on the beauty that surrounds me and being thankful for all of the blessings that New Mexico has offered me these last 18 months. This constant refocusing is a good thing for me. It is yet another lesson that life is trying to teach me and that I am so desperately trying to learn - life is fleeting, not guaranteed, and beautiful. I can only be right here right now. I cannot be in the past as it is gone from me forever. And I cannot be in the future because it has not yet come. This is crazy hard for me to do as it seems like I constantly spend my time thinking about things both behind me and in front of me. I have noticed small changes lately where I have just consciously stopped myself to enjoy the moment to breathe it in and to allow the emotion and the beauty of it to enter my entire being - if only for a second - and this has made all the difference in the world for my mental well being. Because of this flurry of activity there have been numerous things that I have wanted to share with you all, but just haven't had the time to post. I will do my best to squeeze in these posts here and there where I can, so just bare with me these next couple of months if you can.

Bob and I began planning our trip to the Grand Canyon last year. It was something that we had always wanted to do, but we were most motivated to take this trip because it was on my mom's bucket list and we wanted to help make this dream a reality for her. And so we did. Bob also extended the invite to his parents. In the end, it was our family, my parents, and Bob's parents who camped out in the Grand Canyon National Park for 3 nights. It was amazing. I wish everyone had the opportunity to see this incredibly beautiful, breath taking, mind blowing natural wonder. There are just no words to describe its vast beauty. We had so much fun and I would go there again in a heart beat.

Here are some pictures of our trip:

I think this was a lookout/rest stop on a hike that Bob took with my mom and dad the second night we were there. 

There are no words....

The National Park is a small town in and of itself. It had its own train to take you from place to place should you want to use its services. 

The Colorado River...

By this point in our trip Sarah had had it. Since this was a very visual trip Sarah had a hard time not being bored. 

This was taken atop a tower.

This was our view on the way into the National Park. The ride from Flagstaff to Grand Canyon was beautiful.

Elk were abundant in the park. We had several that moseyed around the campground. 

The ravens were very, very pesky.

Happy to have made it to the campsite on the first night. 

Do you see that little zig zag line at the bottom of the canyon that looks like it might be a dried up river bed? Well, that's a hiking trail. You have to spend the night in the canyon to go down there without a fire and only taking with you what you can carry on your back. Sounds amazing...maybe next time. 

This guy was very close to our tent!

So this is what the trails look like...There are no guardrails or anything to keep you from falling into the bottom of the canyon should you trip or get pushed. It was kinda scary sometimes. 

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Again, those zig zags that you see are the trail I walked on with my mom, bob, bob's dad, andy, and josh.