Elizabeth has always demanded more of my time than the other children. From the get go when she was a newborn she would cry and cry unless I was holding her and even then she would sometimes wail for a long time sapping my mental energy. As she got older I tried to explain away her difficultness by telling myself that this was just a phase and by 2 and then 3 and then 4 she would stop being so difficult. I stopped telling myself that she would grow out of her strong willed personality when she hit around 6 or 7 and I was still dealing with issues I had never dealt with with the other three kids. As time has gone on the other kids have begun to resent Elizabeth because they see how much time I spend with her correcting her behavior or trying to spend one on one time with her in hopes that all she needed was some positive attention focused on her and that would make her an easier child. Because of this resentment I feel torn because I have three children who need me, but I find that I do not have enough time or energy to devote to them because of all that Elizabeth requires.
Elizabeth is not a bad child. She has many great qualities. But she is difficult. She is strong willed, defiant, impulsive, and has a temper. She is not easy to be around a lot of the time. I have been toying, very seriously, with the idea of putting her back in public school not because I think that she would receive a better education there. Because I don't. The honest reason I am thinking of public school is because then someone else will have to deal with her for 7+ hours a day and I don't. The thought of someone else having to deal with her day in and day out is like a dream come true right now. No longer will I have to fight with her over getting her school work done or having to tell her 1600 times to do something. (Which I know is normal to every kid, but this happens with Elizabeth every time I ask her to do something. Every. Time.) No longer will I have to wonder when the screaming and door slamming will start and when my peaceful child will turn into her alternate self.
These thoughts make me feel like a terrible person. What kind of parent doesn't want to be around their child? What kind of mother would rather not be with her child for the majority of her child's waking hours because she is hard to deal with? I'll tell you the kind of mother that feels this way: It is the mother who has tried and tried and tried everything she can. It is the mother who has read books, sought out opinions of friends, talked to family members, and tried every trick she knew and still came up short. It is the mother who when she sees the cranky look on her child's face in the morning upon waking up and knows what kind of day it is going to be based solely on that face and wants to go back to bed herself because she knows that it is going to be one hell of a day and she just cannot face that kind of a day again.
To those who do not have a difficult child in their home this post may seem cruel or mean or may appear that I do not love my child. I do love her. Very much. But I also love my other three children just as much and I love my sanity. And it is not fair that she taking up so much of time and causing so much strife in our home. And I don't know what to do. I have tried everything imaginable, and nothing seems to work. It is a hard place to live in day in and day out not knowing what to do with your child. It is a hard place to live in knowing that sometimes you day dream about what life would be like in your household if that child wasn't there. How peaceful it would be. How calm. How much more time you could spend with your other children. How much less stressed you would be.
I just need something to get better. For the sake of my house I need help with my youngest child. Because I cannot grow happy, healthy children in an environment that my youngest child is creating. It is not fair to my other children and it is not fair to her.
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