2020 - A Year In Review

 Wow! What a year it has been, eh?  

Like you, I never, ever would have imagined that 2020 would have turned out the way it did. I truly hope that this was a once in a lifetime year. I swear that sometimes the only thing that kept me sane was the fact that I knew that just about everyone on this planet has been affected in some way by the goings on of this year's multitude of events. 

I know that a lot of the press coverage has been pretty negative this year, and to be honest, it probably should have been. There was a lot of awful stuff going on, but I also want to acknowledge that from these horrors have also come some blessings. 

For our family personally there have been some hardships, but there have been so many good things to come out of this year. 

In 2020 - 

Joshua graduated from high school.

Andy and Josh began their freshman year at college.

Sarah made the decision (after much thought and consideration) to become a traditionally homeschooled student for the remainder of her high school career. 

Elizabeth completed her 7th grade year and began her 8th grade year of homeschooling. 

Bobby came home in March to work from home where he continues to be until July of 2021, but may become an indefinite situation. 

Elizabeth turned 14.

Sarah turned 16.

Joshua turned 18.

Andrew Timothy turned 20. 

Bobby and I turned 41.

Both boys were eligible to vote and voted in their first election.

We lost our sweet dog, Lily, to cancer at the end of March.

We brought home an incredible train wreck of a rescue dog (who is now doing so much better) in June.

Sarah took her first solo flight this fall (before COVID got really bad again) and spent a week in Portland, OR at Sky View Horse Ranch.  

We explored the state a bit more and explored several new state parks. 

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I think that the most important thing that happened in 2020 for our family was a sense of awareness. We became more aware and paid attention to causes like Black Lives Matter. We talked a lot about how the color of our skin gives us an unfair and unjust advantage in life and why that was/is and what we can do to level the playing field. (We also realized how little we knew about social injustice.) 

As a family we talked a lot about voting and causes and parties and political beliefs. We talked about rights and civil liberties. 

We also realized and became acutely aware of just how fortunate we are to live the lives we live. COVID rocked our world as a collective whole.  It turned families upside down and inside out. Our family life wasn't all that changed. Our kids came home for schooling, but they were used to that since all were homeschooled for most of their schooling years. Bobby began working from home which we considered a bonus. My life didn't change much either. I realize that we are in a minority when I look at our family situation, and I am thankful that we were/are in the place in our lives where we had minimal shake ups in terms of home/work life situations. My heart goes out to all who have had to finagle jobs and day care and schooling. 

The hardest part for our family has been social distancing. We take that pretty seriously in our house and not being able to visit friends/family or go to certain places has been hard, just like I know it has been for everyone. 

We became more aware of what's important in our lives. Being together is important. Protecting each other, loving one another, creating memories with one another, carrying one another, celebrating one another - all of these things had a spot light shown on them this year cast by all that seemed so bleak. I hope that as we move forward we never forget how awful this year has been, but that we take with us all that was good and use that to propel us into 2021.  

As Glennon Doyle is known for saying, "We can do hard things." 

We certainly can because we did. All of us each in our own ways. 

December Reading List

 I spent two weeks of this month trying to slog through Moby Dick. I like to read as many classics as I can both with my kids and by myself, and I almost always am glad that I did so. I also have a hard time not finishing a book I start. I spent a week of the two that I pushed through Moby Dick trying to talk myself into (and out of) finishing the book. In the end, I realized that I was being insane. It is okay to not finish a book. Maybe I will come back to it at another point in time, but for now it wasn't a good pick for me. 

That being said, I only got through 3 books this month, one of which I have read multiple times, but I wanted to leave this year reading a book I loved and I will. I anticipate finishing my current read on New Year's Day, so I am including it in this month's 'read' list. 

This month I read: 

This was an interesting read. I had no idea how unsupported the Revolutionary Soldiers were in terms of lodging and (more importantly) food. It makes me realize just how deeply that this country wanted its freedom from the British when I understood how our soldiers were basically starving through most of the war with no lodging and not enough supplies (like clothing, etc...)

I ended up reading this book (and the one above) because Andy purchased them as part of a class he thought he was going to take (but ended up dropping). I wanted to see what professors were requiring their kids to read in college classes these days. It was interesting to read a book from someone just visiting this country from Europe. To get Fanny's take on the way Americans did things during that time period was enlightening. I definitely won't read this book again, but I am glad that I took the time to read it once. 

I have read this book twice (maybe even three times) this year. I just love, love, love it. The Sioux and Comanche Indians fascinate me. I wish there were more good books on them that I could get my hands on because I would read them all.  

Well, I reached my goal of reading 52 books this year. 

I wasn't sure if I was going to make it at one point, but I ended up finishing the year up with 54 books read. I was going to try and come up with a new goal this year to top last year's goal, but I think instead I am just going to stick with trying to read a book a week again. Here is the monthly breakdown - January - 7 February - 8 March - 7 April - 2 May/June - 5 July - 5 August - 3 September - 5 October - 4 November - 5 December - 3 2020 total - 54

Anywhere

If you had the option to live anywhere in this country, where would you live? 

Would you stay where you are? Would you move some place you've never been? Would you move back to some place you once were? 

Would you live in the city or suburbs? Would you choose to live in the country?

Would you choose to live near family? Would you choose some place far away from them? 

Would you choose to move to a place in which you could live a life that looks so different from your current one?

 Would you live some place cheaper or more expensive? 

Would you live close to amenities or would you live somewhere away from as many of life's material choices as possible? 

Would you choose to move somewhere where the scenery took your breath away? 

Would you move somewhere more culturally diverse? Would you move somewhere with more people just like yourself? 

What would you choose? And WHY would you choose it? 

Our own family is facing these questions as we speak. We are fairly certain (but not 100% yet, we will have the final word by April of 2021) that Bob's job will allow us the option to live in just about any state we choose. While this idea is so exciting, it is also extremely daunting. Every state we have lived in thus far (since deciding to leave Ohio) has been selected either for us or by us because there was a job opening. We also felt that each of these places we lived was less of a choice and more of where we were led to be at that time in our lives for one reason or another.

Now we have 47 options before us. (Alaska, Hawaii, and California are out for us.) How do you figure out where to go, especially when you are a collective unit of 6 people? (The boys, at this point anyway, are planning on coming with us.) What do you prioritize? How can you make 6 people happy, and if you cannot make everyone happy whose happiness gets priority? These are all questions Bob and I are working through right now. (We are also working through where we would move to in Indiana should he be required to go back into the office come April because staying in our current town is not an option for various reasons.) 

For me, this whole process has been really cool and really scary. Do we make safe choices or do we take risks? Do we move somewhere that is beautiful, but would require me to go back to work at least part time to afford to live there? Do we move some place we have already been or do we move someplace new? The choices are endless. 

Anywhere...if you could choose anywhere, where would you be?

16

 On December 1, Sarah turned 16.

 My how times flies. I look at this beauty before me and cannot believe the young woman that she has become. It seems like just a blink of an eye ago she was this chubby cheeked smiley little face. Now, she is a beautiful young woman. (Who is now taller than me and has been for a while.)

We were a little confined (by COVID, of course) as to what we could do this year, but we tried to make it as good of a birthday for her as possible. After much family discussion we made the decision to allow my mom to come out and celebrate this birthday with us. We really went back and forth over this decision, but in the end decided that my mom (with a weakened immune system herself from MS) would be the most cautious about COVID exposure and would be the safest member of our family to have over. 

We celebrated Sarah by playing a trivia game that Bob made up, which was really, really fun. We then had our 4th annual Blind Olympics in which all of the kids performed various activities blind-folded. We gave out a "fabulous" prize at the end of the tournament based on who had accumulated the most points throughout the tourney. Activities this year included: a taste test, bowling, wheelbarrow races, bobbing for ping pong balls, a race to gather braille clues around the house and then decipher what the clues meant, & a bean bag toss.

Sarah opened gifts and ate  food of her choosing -as is the custom in our house. (McDonalds for breakfast, Chick-fil-A for lunch, and eggplant parmesan for dinner.) We topped off the day with ice cream cake. 

I will say that this birthday was hard for me to swallow, not only because it brought into focus how grown up my beautiful daughter is, but because it was the first birthday (and only) that did not have the significance it could have because of the implications of her disease. Even Sarah commented that in a different life she would have been getting her license at this time, and a part of me cannot help but mourn for the loss of this right of passage. 

Overall, despite the obstacles in our world right now, we managed to have a good day. I hope Sarah felt celebrated and loved for surely she is a treasured member of our family, not only on her birthday, but every day. 

September, October, & November 2020 Reading List

(I had intended to write about Sarah's 16th birthday, but am having a hard time downloading a few birthday pics, so I will post this instead in the hope that I will be able to get her birthday pics downloaded in the next day or so.)

 Since I have three months of books to share with you I will keep this part short & just get right to it. 

September: 

October:

November: 

I enjoyed all of these books. Some of them I have read before such as Sara and Eleanor, The Kite Runner, and A Thousand Splendid Suns. I love, love, love Khaled Hosseini's work. I have researched him to see if perhaps he has written other books, but have found only a children's book of his that came out several years ago. He is probably one of my favorite writers. Both of his books haunt me and I can see myself reading them once a year many years over.  I also enjoyed re-reading Sarah and Eleanor. I really enjoy reading about the Roosevelt family. I am particularly drown to Teddy Roosevelt's life, but reading about FDR's mother and wife are enjoyable to me as well. (I don't really have an interest to read about FDR himself though which I find a bit odd.) 

Some of the books I wouldn't read again. Opium and Six Weeks in a Sioux Tepee are two works that I am glad I read once, but that was enough. The rest of the books I would read again, although not with the same urgency as Hosseini's books. I will say that Hell in the Heartland also haunted me a bit and I had to put it down for a few weeks because it creeped me out so much in the beginning of the book. 

I found Kilian Jornet's book to be a bit egotistical, but I am finding as I read more and more books on climbers and ultra-marathoners that this seems to be a common theme. I still find books on those who push themselves to their limits and risk their lives in nature fascinating and will most likely keep reading books of this genre even though I often get turned off by their tone. 

At the beginning of this year I set a goal to read 52 books. And although I am not there yet, I feel confident that I will be able to reach this goal in December. I am excited about reaching this personal achievement. I need to think about what my new goal will be in 2021. 

January  - 7

February - 8
March  - 7
April - 2

May/June  - 5

July - 5

August - 3

September - 5

October - 4

November - 5

2020 total - 51

School Days (Week of 11/23/20)

 Our school year is humming along. I am having fun this year with my girls and although this school year has been hard socially with COVID I feel like we are moving right along with our coursework. Because of the holidays, the next few weeks will be pretty stop and go with what we accomplish, but I am okay with this. This is one of the many benefits of homeschooling. 

Joshua and Andy are wrapping up their first semester at college. Because of COVID, IUPUI ended the semester for most classes this week. Josh took 5 courses and 3 of them are finished. The other two will end in the middle of December. All three of Andy's classes are now finished. They are looking ahead to next semester and are deciding on how many courses to take. They both plan on signing up for their classes in the next week or so. 

The main focus of this week is the girls reading. Elizabeth and Sarah both read aloud to me most days. Elizabeth does so because she struggles with reading/spelling at what public education would deem grade level (very much like Andy), and I want her to feel comfortable with where she is at and help her grow more confident in her ability to perform both skills well. We are reading the last book in the Land of Stories series which has been such a blessing to us because it is the first series that she is actually interested in reading. I knew there had to be something out there that would grab her interest. It just took a little while to find that series. (By the way, Chris Colfer has done an amazing job with these stories. Just outstanding. I love hearing these stories as much as Elizabeth likes reading them. They are so creative and take the classic children's story characters that you and I grew up with and turned them into something magical.)

Sarah and I are currently working through the Little House on the Prairie series. We are currently reading On the Banks of Plum Creek. Sarah reads to me in braille and our focus is on getting her reading speed up. (Her braille tutor would like her to be reading something more challenging, but I have never read through the series, and we had already started it before her instructor suggested she move on to something harder. I don't like not finishing a series once I have started it. Plus, the goal is to increase her speed, not learn braille. I figured an "easier" series would help her accomplish this better than a "harder" one.)  She knows how to read braille fluently, but is a bit on the slow side. Even though technological advancements have made it so that learning to read in braille is not a necessity to get by in life, I am insisting that Sarah learn to be solidly proficient in her reading accuracy and speed. Call me old fashioned, but I just feel it will serve her better in life if she can read braille despite the potential non-necessity of it. 

The third book that we are reading is one that I read out loud to Sarah. When Josh and Andy were high school homeschoolers we had a subject that I called Great Books. I read aloud to them from books that I considered classics, usually ones with life lessons or important social implications. I tried to expose them to all different types of stories, and we ended up reading through a good number of books. Josh enjoyed the class more than Andy did, but I know that they both got something out of that time. I wanted to continue that tradition with the girls because it is something that I feel is an imperative part of their education as it opens their minds to different experiences outside their own. 

Horses and stories make up the majority of Sarah's interests/life, so this "subject" was a no brainer for me when she decided to come home this year.  Plus, she was working on an Honors Diploma when she was in public school. I would like to be able to help her accomplish this as a homeschooler. Reading the classics and then having her write out extended responses/essays pertaining to those books will help her to meet the language arts portion of an Indiana Honors Diploma. We are finishing up our second book since she came home in September. The first book we read was Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin. We are going to finish up Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls this week. 

So, that's what going on in our house schooling wise these three school days before our Thanksgiving/Sarah's birthday break. 

Cleaned & Purged

A couple of times every year I take 3-4 days to do a super deep clean of my house. Everything gets washed and cleaned from blinds and curtains to baseboards and walls. No drawer or closet is untouched as I pull out all of its contents and place them into three categories: clean, to be put back, donate to Goodwill, or throw away. 

I always feel amazing after I get this monumental task done. I usually do this kind of deep cleaning alone - my kids know to just leave me be for the duration of my super deep clean. They will help me cull the items in their rooms, and will perform an occasional task if I ask them to, but for the most part they just let me hum right along to my own song as I work through each space that makes up our home. 

Generally, I like to do these kinds of deep cleans in the early fall and spring. I love having the windows open as I move from room to room especially after the air conditioner has been running all summer and the furnace has been running all winter. There is something about having fresh air reinvigorate the house that gives a sense of ultimate cleanliness. 

I love being able to have us all get into bed the evenings after I deep clean each bedroom with every sheet, blanket, and pillow washed and dried out in the sun. One of my favorite 'clean' smells is laundry that has been hung on a line to dry. There are fewer things that I associate with deep cleaning like sun and wind infused clothes/linens. 

I had intended on deep cleaning the house in late September/early October of this year, but I wasn't feeling particularly motivated when the time came. Sarah had just made the decision to withdraw from public school a couple of weeks earlier because on-line learning wasn't working out for her and she did not feel safe going back to school in person because of COVID even with the abundance of caution the school was taking with its safety protocols. (I don't blame her. She doesn't have the luxury that you and I have of  making choices that increase our risk of getting the virus.) We were working through what her homeschool experience was going to look like during those weeks and that took precedence over the house getting a thorough deep cleaning. 

With the holidays coming up, I made the decision a few days ago that I was going to just do what needed to be done and plow through a deep clean. I am so glad I did. Not only does the house physically shine from top to bottom, inside and out, but it also mentally feels 1,000 times better. For me, being a homemaker, I just adore when I know that my house is in tip top shape. I love knowing that no drawer has been untouched and no corner has been left alone. The atmosphere is different after a deep clean - I don't know why, but it just is. Because we are spending the holidays alone this year, I think that this deep clean really came at the right time; it has mentally lifted the collective family's spirits during a time when we were feeling a bit down because we know that we are the only one's choosing to abstain from family get togethers. 

Generally speaking, I like to make as many of my cleaners as possible. The partial hippie in me doesn't like the thought of spraying caustic chemicals in my home if I can find a safer alternative, but I also want to make sure that I am disinfecting my house. Since moving to Indiana I have gone away from do-it-yourself bathroom cleaners for my toilets and tubs/showers though. Our water in this part of the state is so hard and calcium filled that it leaves hard water calcium spots in both the toilet bowl and on the walls of the showers. No matter what homemade recipe I used there were still hard water spots remaining;  I now use The Works and Lime Away for those surfaces. (I still use homemade cleaner on the toilet seats/sinks/ cabinets though.)

If you are looking for a good recipe book for homemade cleaners my favorite go-to-book is shown below. I have been using this book for multiple years. There seems to be a recipe for just about everything.  

  

Now that the house is clean, it is time for me to tackle the mountain of laundry I have. The sheets and blankets may have gotten washed these past few days, but the clothing we wear certainly did not. Good thing it's football Sunday, so I can listen to the football games while washing and folding the pile of clothes that are waiting to be tackled. 

How We Are Getting Through COVID

 I think it is fair to say that we are all way beyond COVID fatigue; we are at whatever stage lies beyond fatigue. (Exhaustion, maybe? No, that doesn't seem strong enough of a word.) This new wave of (not totally unexpected) COVID cases has our family quarantining beyond what is being asked by our state. Bob and I have chosen to go back to March (Indiana) protocols and quarantine from family and friends as well as making only necessary shopping excursions. I do understand why some families may choose to do things differently, especially with the holidays coming up. Who wants to celebrate Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and/or Christmas alone? I hear ya. Especially when you have a healthy family in the low risk category of serious health repercussions if you contracted COVID. We are deciding to quarantine in the way that we are because we cannot risk Sarah getting it. It's as simple as that for us. I would never be able to live with myself if we weren't minimizing our risk of catching the virus, and then Sarah (or any of my other children) got it and it caused irrevocable consequences. 

While riding out these recent unprecedented COVID numbers, I am trying to find ways to keep my family sane. I know that we are all fighting battles in our own homes as we wait for things to go back to as normal as they are going to get when this pandemic is over. Mental health issues, whether they be minor or something much bigger/more longer lasting, are very real in most of our households right now. I know in our own home each of my kids has struggled mentally. Some of these struggles have lasted just a day or two, some of them have been longer, and some of them have had struggles that have come and gone and then come back again over the course of these last 8 months. I myself have had some bad days, but I have been able to pick myself up knowing that my household is not the only one facing some dark days. I try to point out to my kids that this season of time will not last forever. That the only constant in life is change. I also try and help them to remember that there is always something to learn in each season of life, even if you cannot see it at that moment. (Obviously, there are also other discussions as well. Minimizing mental health with cliches is not something that I do as an overall mental health strategy, but in the course of my conversations with my kids as I walk beside them with their own struggles, I do try to point the above mentioned items out.)

From the very beginning of this pandemic I knew that the way I chose to conduct myself during these times would be of paramount importance to the way that my children handled themselves during this time. I also felt very strongly that this was going to be a time where I would be able to see where our family life needed some tweaking and what our strengths were. I knew that I was never going to have an opportunity in my parenting life to have all of my kids under one roof for an extended quarantined period of time to have the influence that I do now. I wanted to make sure that I was mending and strengthening their roots, so that when they fly off into a life of their own choosing I would know that they were soaring with the best foundations that I could give them. From this perspective, I feel that I have been more successful than not during these last 8 months. I have learned an immense amount about myself and our family as a whole, but also as the individual people who make up the six of us. I still have some work to do, but as we all can see how this pandemic is going, I am confident that I still have the time to finish up what I set out to accomplish. 

As the months have passed I have implemented some strategies/ideas (some better and more consistent than others) that have helped us get through this time. Here are some of the things that have helped our family:

1. Limiting Electronic Usage

I know, I know. This seems completely counter-intuitive. I get it. BUT...I am HUGE believer that when my kids spend too much time on electronics they lose their creativity, their will to do anything else, but electronics, and their attitudes begin to stink. Because we are all spending so much time together, a bad attitude can infect a house like wild fire. This in turn makes life unbearable for us all. 

Don't misunderstand me. There are still days when my kids are on electronics more than I would like. But I do try and make a concerted effort to limit electronic usage whenever I feel that bad attitudes are on the rise (or if I just feel like our family is spending too much time on them in general). 

The plus side of doing this, is that after a day of detoxing (in which I totally brace for a  grumpy child complaining of boredom) my children actually remember they are the creative beings they are, and spend time doing old school things like using their imaginations to occupy their time. It is a win-win for us all because the kids end up having more fun together (which helps combat the feelings of isolation and aloneness that COVID has brought on) and I get my kids away from the electronics I loathe. (On a side note - I too have given up a large portion of my electronic time. I am not going to ask my kids to detox from electronics if I am not willing to do the same. I think that is hypocritical of me and I want to be the example my kids learn from as I mentioned above.)

2. Going Old School

If you have teenagers like me, this suggestion may seem a little unusual, but if you are willing to try it out I think you will be surprised by the end results. A few months into quarantine I knew that I would be investing more time and energy into detoxing our family from electronics. I also knew that I would need something to point my kids to when they came to me to tell me how bored they were. I went online (thank goodness for Amazon Prime) and purchased some new coloring books and crayons. I checked our inventory of play dough (and supplies) as well as crafts and board games. Anything I felt we needed, I purchased. I stocked our home with some of the things my kids did when they were little. And you know what? It worked. The kids have used more old school activities such as crafting, coloring, reading books, playing with playdough, using Legos, designing houses out of cardboard boxes, playing board games, etc...than they have in years. They are occupied and not on electronics, and as far as I am concerned is money well spent. I plan on investing in these types of activities for the foreseeable future. 

3. Trying New Things

With winter coming up, and knowing that I didn't want my kids spending too much time on electronics, I thought about things that I could introduce into our family that would be relatively cheap, new to the family, and might interest at least some of them. I took this idea and invested in (what I hope to be the first of many) a puzzle. Both Sarah and Andy have helped me put the pieces together. I have a dedicated puzzle space so that the puzzle can remain undisturbed while we take the time to put it together. I have found this time to be well spent and really have enjoyed putting the project together. It is always nice to have company too. Prior to COVID I would have never thought to purchase something like a puzzle for our family, but now that I have done so I cannot imagine not having some sort of puzzle to work on for the foreseeable future. 

4. Getting Out of the House

I feel pretty strongly that during these times getting out of the house is of utmost importance. Too much time spent at home can sometimes make it seem as if the walls are closing in on you. Because COVID has limited so much of what we feel comfortable doing, Bob and I offer one of the only things we feel is safe for our family: spending time in nature. Almost every weekend, Bob and/or I will take a couple of hours and spend it outside - away from our home. We make sure to always offer the opportunity to the kids, but we do not (usually) require them to come. I know for myself I always feel better and refreshed when I have spent even the smallest amount of time out of doors. 

We also walk around our giant neighborhood just about every night. Again, we make sure to offer this opportunity to the kids. Sometimes they come and sometimes they don't. We also sometimes visit a little park down the road to let Max off of his leash to run around or we will head to a park/dog park near our home to play tennis, basketball, let Max run around in a fenced in area. Again, just getting outside, even if only for a little bit, can really be good for the entire family. I feel that Mother Nature has her own little reset button on our psyche. 

5. Find a Show/Movie Series to Share Together

By now you know that I am not a big fan of electronic usage, but I think what I should really be saying is that I am not a fan of unintentional, lose track of time electronic usage. Intentional, occasional TV time (I think) can be really good for a family. I know it is for ours. We are big fans of the Survivor Series. Almost the entire series is on Hulu and back in March we made the decision to begin the series from the very first one and work our way through to the newest seasons. Our viewing time varies, but I would say right now we intentionally gather once every other week to watch anywhere between 2-4 shows in one sitting. If the weather is particularly heinous we will watch the show once a week, and very rarely we will even watch it more than once a week. But it is something we do together as a group. (The group watching does vary depending on the season. Right now Bob, Sarah, Elizabeth (on & off), and I are watching this season)

So, this is pretty much how we are getting through COVID as a family. Sometimes I wish there was an instruction book on how to get through these uncertain times because I don't know if the choices I am making are the right ones, but all I can do, all any of us can do, is just make the best decisions for our families based on the information that we have in front of us. 

Stay safe. 

Thoughts

 There is a youngish tree that grows in our front yard, I don't know if it is a Maple or an Oak tree, I guess I could find out if I really wanted to, but I don't really care to put in the energy to do so. Over the past two and a half years of living in this house I have watched this tree grow; I have watched the cycle of growing and shedding leaves (this time being the beginning of the third cycle) and seen it getting taller with each passing year. I have seen bird nests come and go. 

I have loved watching this tree as time as passed. While the world seems to be standing still this tree is a reminder that indeed it really is not. Mother Nature is still pressing on in spite of deadly viruses that are causing discord and unrest across the world and US elections that are causing fissures between friends and family alike. 

I am in awe of the chaos our country is in. I have read enough history books to know that this is not the first time that most things seem turned upside down, but this is the first time I feel that I have really felt the affects of this chaos. 

As the numbers of COVID cases rise our family has decided to go into strict lock-down again. Friends and family are off limits. Store visits are down to the essential things only. This lock down feels especially hard because we were all really looking forward to getting together with family this holiday season. We do not have the luxury of assuming that all would be fine if we contracted COVID though, not with Sarah among us, and I am sometimes jealous of those who feel that the risk of living a semi-normal life is one worth living in spite of the risks of catching a virus we do not yet fully understand. When Bob and I shared the news with our kids that we were self-quarantining again they were all understanding of why. My kids have been through the trenches with Sarah medically (and all ways, really) and they know that the monster that lives inside her is not one to joke around with or not take seriously.  It has been shown that COVID kills those with weakened immune systems; they know that this blanket statement includes their sister, and as much as their lives are inconvenienced by this family mandate, they would rather protect their sister as much as they can rather than potentially risk her life. I am grateful for their understanding, and I know that they would do anything to keep her (and each other) safe. 

I know that one of the side affects of this long term seclusion is mental fatigue, and we certainly have not been immune from this. Sometimes I feel like a firefighter bouncing back and forth between each child trying to help him/her extinguish the internal mental fires that burn within from long term isolation. I am desperately trying to balance that with my own inner strife and anxieties; Some days I feel like I have won the battle with the infernos, other days not-so-much. What keeps me anchored is that I know that this will not last forever and that there are always lessons to be learned in any situation one faces. I also hold on to the fact that tomorrow is a new day full of new promises and new opportunities. 

When we look back on this time I want my children to see that they can do hard things. I want them to be able to reflect on this time and use it to propel them forward in future times when their lives get hard. There is always a Light at the end of the tunnel. There is always Hope where you believe it exists, even if you cannot yet see it.  

Where We Are Meant To Be

 I see the ear to ear smiles in the pictures she sends me. I can hear happiness and contentment in the sound of her voice. I know she is happy in a way that she hasn't been in a long, long time. 

When I talked to her last she quietly told me that this is where she wants to be. In this community with these people. This is where she is meant to be. This is where she feels whole. 

She is young still and has a lot of life to live. Maybe she will change her mind in the next several years as she graduates from high school and then from college. Maybe she won't. 

What I do know is that she will never, ever forget these feelings. She has lived her life adrift. Feeling off kilter and alone. Never having a place to anchor herself. Not even having a  place where she can feel truly herself - even I fear among the 6 of us. I wonder if we protect her too much. Our loves stifles her in a way that theirs does not. 

I feel such deep happiness for her. I know that I will always be her mama. And I know that there is nothing that will replace her love for the five of us she will leave behind. We have given her the roots she needs to grow and become all that she is meant to be. Being out there with her community allows her to spread her wings. For the first time in her life, I am able to glimpse what her life might look like outside of us. What I see right now makes me feel at peace. It shows me what the arc of motherhood should feel like and I know that everything is as it should be. 

To feel known and loved and accepted just as she is. What a dream come true for her. To feel whole and complete - it is what I believe what we spend the entirety of our lives searching for. Some find that wholeness early on in life and some never find it. 

I imagine that she will head back out west multiple times a year now. I imagine that when she gets a job at 16 she will save all of her money to head out there as much as she can. The memories she creates while there will sustain her while she is finishing her growing here with us. 

I only know a small portion of the loneliness she feels. I know that when she is with them, she is not alone anymore. I know that when she is here with us she only feels partially alive. I know that when she is with her tribe she feels completely alive. This is what I want for her more than anything else. 

 She is where she is meant to be. 

Fall Break 2020

The girls and I have this week off of school. When Sarah was a public school student this week was blocked off for the district as their fall break. I have not lived in a state, before we moved here, where public school children were given a fall break. Usually, once school begins the first real time off is at Thanksgiving. I have also never lived anywhere where school begins at the end of July/beginning of August as it does here, hence the need for the fall break. We kept this week off in our homeschool plans when it was decided that Sarah was going to come home to do her schooling this year. 

Sarah is actually in Portland, Oregon right now. Long before many of us realized that COVID was going to be around for as long as it has been we bought Sarah a plane ticket to spend her fall break out at Skyview Horse Ranch. She has an open invitation to visit there any time she would like to. Bob and I have been the ones to keep her from doing so because this would require her to fly solo. We did not feel comfortable with this idea until this year. Months and months ago, we found a non-stop flight out of Chicago's O'hare airport. We booked it for her and here we are...

I have mixed feelings about her traveling right now. I can say with certainty that if she was flying anywhere other than to Skyview I would have cancelled her trip. COVID is a very real danger in our house and with this Fall upswing in new cases I worry even more than normal. We don't have the luxury of relying on our health to see us through this because if one of us gets it, I am fairly confident that all of us will get it. That cannot happen if we can help it because of the likelihood of serious complications for Sarah should she contract this illness. But...Skyview is Sarah's happy place. I would not be surprised if she moved out to that area when she finishes her schooling. It is a place where she feels whole and loved and included in ways that she does not feel anywhere else. Plus, she gets to be surrounded by animals - most especially horses, her favorite animals of all time.

 I talked with Sarah about her risk of exposure when I was still on the fence about this trip. She told me that being able to go to Skyview was worth the risk for her because she loves being there so much. Sarah is very mature for her age, her disease has required this of her, and I know that she understands the potential complications she faces if she were to get COVID. So, when she told me that she was okay with the risk, I trusted her implicitly and to let her go. 

Elizabeth and I have some day trips planned to the zoo and a local apple orchard. I am also planning on doing my Fall deep cleaning of the house. It will take me pretty much the whole week to do, but by the end the house will sparkle in every nook and cranny that exists both inside and out (as I have a day planned for clean the garage and get the yard winterized). 

The boys don't have a Fall break, so for them this week is nothing out of the norm. School and work seem to take up most of their time. Joshua seems to have had an easier time transitioning and balancing college life with work and a social life. Andy will get there, and is making progress, but still seems a little overwhelmed by this new schooling responsibility. Balancing work and school is taking him some time, but I feel confident that once he gets there he will do just fine. Adjusting to change has always been a bit hard for Andy. By now, his transitioning pace is nothing that I worry too much about. I just know that it is part of who he is. 

That's all I've got for now. I've got some deep cleaning to attend to. 

Giving It Up (Again)

 I took the steps of deactivating my Facebook and Instagram accounts...again. I seem to have a love/hate relationship with social media. I think I participate in both because most people do and I feel left out sometimes when I am not using them. Plus, they keep me entertained when I am bored.

But the truth is that both Facebook and Instagram don't always have a positive influence on my life. In fact, I would argue that more often than not they have a pretty negative influence. Why do I willingly subject myself to something that regularly makes me feel frustrated, angry, and hopeless (courtesy of family/friends political posts on Facebook) or leave me feeling as if my own life is less than (courtesy of the beautiful, skinny, rich, moms of many I follow on Instagram)? 

I am an intelligent person. (At least I would like to think that I am.) Why, when I have the choice to not participate in something that makes me feel worse about my life rather than better, would I continue to subject myself to something like that?! If I am being completely honest, I do get an ego boost from 'likes' on my posts and I do notice that my readership goes up when I post the links to my blog on Facebook, but do either of those things really ad true value in my life? Do I really need you to 'like' an Instagram picture of mine or read these words after I have posted them to Facebook? The real answer is: no. Those that want to follow my life's journey will do so regardless of whether or not I post the link on Facebook. And I can put all of the pictures on this space that I would have put on Instagram as well. 

Moreover, what kind of example am I setting for my teenage children? If I want them to have healthy online habits, I need to be modeling them. When I am on Facebook and Instagram I find that (over time) I end up not doing so. Just yesterday, I was on my phone (on Instagram) when my daughter asked me a question THAT I GAVE AN ANSWER TO that I had no idea happened because I was so absorbed in my phone when she was talking to me that I wasn't even conscious of the conversation!!! When I got off of my phone and asked her why she was doing what she was doing she filled me in on our dialogue. I don't even remember it happening!!! How many times has that happened? How freaking crazy and scary. The insanity needs to stop. Now.

 The decision has been rattling around in my brain for a week or so, but now that I have actually done the deed I feel much lighter. (I always do.) And I know that the feeling of release will only feel sweeter the longer I am away from the influence I allow those social media sites to have over me. (It always does.)

A Very Unexpected, Wonderful Surprise

 I knew at least a year before she began high school that Sarah wanted to attend public school and receive a public school diploma. She strongly felt that homeschooling was no longer serving her needs and she wanted to head out into the "normal" world. I felt in my heart like I had failed her. I also felt like I would never have the privilege of teaching her from home again.

 I don't necessarily blame her for having these thoughts. As I have said in the past, things got pretty hairy in Portland and life was not good for us on so many levels. As I was treading water while trying to keep myself from drowning out there I was bringing my kids down with me.I couldn't see this at the time, I was too busy trying to save myself that I couldn't see much above the waterline, let alone look towards those I love the most to see how they were doing.  It was an awful time in our lives that I can look back now and reflect on without feeling an inkling of anxiety (which is something that has taken two and a half years to do). 

Sarah did really well educationally at public school her first 9 months. The teachers and staff fell in love with her and her resilient spirit. She earned straight 'A's in all of her classes the whole year and ended her Freshman year with a 4.1 gpa. Being around other kids her age and the routine of school was good for her. And even though it wore her out every day she was so glad with her decision to go back.

To be honest, I enjoyed the break too. I felt that I was failing her in a million different ways while she was home with me. I felt like I  wasn't helping her to be the successful person she (and the rest of the six of us) envisioned for her future self. It was nice for someone else to be responsible for her education and the "extras" that are needed to teach someone who is abled differently and blind. I was nervous about how the kids would react to her, but I knew that the school district as a whole was an amazing place for her to go and so my worries for her were at a minimum. 

And then COVID came...

Much like everyone else, Sarah came home in March and participated in e-learning to finish out the year.  As the new school year approached I consulted Sarah's neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic to get her thoughts on Sarah returning to school in person. After getting her opinion and talking with the school district it was determined that Sarah would begin this year as a homebound student. She would receive the work that the students were getting in class and be expected to get her assignments done in a timely manner. All of her teachers were incredibly flexible and helpful, but it was still a lot for Sarah and I to navigate especially since Sarah is trying to earn an Honors Diploma which means she has Honors and AP classes on her schedule.

After six weeks of stress Sarah determined that she would rather come home as a traditionally homeschooled student than to participate in public school as a homebound student. I withdrew her from public school last Thursday. Sarah's plan is to go back and finish out her junior and senior year at the high school. 

I was completely shocked by Sarah's decision. Personally, I prefer homeschooling over public school. While there are things that my kids can get at public school that they cannot get when they are learning from home I think that the overall advantages of homeschooling outweigh the disadvantages. I am HUGE advocate of homeschooling. 

That being said, I also believe that my children should have a say in their own future's especially when it is something as big of a decision as whether or not to homeschool in high school. I definitely put my two cents in and try and explain why I feel the way I do, but the final decision ultimately rests with my kids. The decision for Sarah to come home was entirely hers. 

I am E-C-S-T-A-T-I-C she came home. What lacked those couple of years when times were rough (and even prior to that) is confidence. I have that now. (It also makes it easier knowing that I successfully homeschooled two kids into college.) It's funny how much knowing you can do something and having the confidence to do it affects how successful you actually are at that thing.

What I am looking at now is what does Sarah (and Elizabeth) need long term to be a successful, independent adult? What skills does she need? What do I need to do to provide those skills for her? 

As I mentioned above, right now the plan is to homschool Sarah this year, and then have her return to the public school realm after this year is over. This is the plan that she has chosen, but who knows that what will happen between now and then? Sarah may decide that she loves homeschooling so much she wants to finish out her schooling days at home. She may decide that going back is best for her. The final decision lies with her. All I know that I am so happy I get to have her home with me for the next 10 months. I plan on enjoying the hell out of this unexpected gift. It was an opportunity that I never thought I'd have again. Now that it is here I don't plan on taking it for granted. My heart is so happy and so full. 

A Medical Scare

 For a long time, Andy has been complaining of feeling "foggy".  A really long time. As in years. (Yes, TOTAL Mom fail.) I have always taken Andy's concern and brushed it off to him being spacey. He has always had a wandering mind and has had trouble remembering things. I think the phrase, "Get your head out of the clouds", was created for people like Andy. I don't consider this to necessarily be a bad trait. Andy has one of the best imaginations I know (Elizabeth is a close second).  He is creative and brilliant in his own way. I sometimes wish I could escape to the worlds he can (and always has been able to) with the ease he seems to. I admire that about him. 

But as time has gone on his fogginess has increased. It began to scare him, I think. He tried diet and exercise with limited success. He tried different things to get a better night's sleep, also to no avail. He was hoping that his memory issues and foggy feeling were lifestyle related. I wanted to believe that too. Very badly. 

The medical issues all came front and center when Andy had a seizure on August 29th. We were on date, it was the first time in a while that just he and I had a chance to get out. We were at the Olive Garden (which was the first time I had been to a restaurant before COVID) and I noticed as our conversation progressed through lunch that something was not right with Andy. He seemed to space out more and more. He was having trouble keeping up with our conversation and had trouble forming words to answer questions that I had. And then all of a sudden, just like with Sarah, the essence of Andy was no longer there. I was looking at his body, but he was not there. I was trying not to attract too much attention to ourselves. The tables were spaced very far apart, so I feel like, at first anyway, I was able to keep what what happening a secret. Once Andy's left arm began to shake though and repeated attempts to bring him back to me by calmly calling his name, I knew we were in trouble. Our waitress called 911 for us and paramedics brought Andy to the ER. 

He had come to by the time the paramedics arrived, but still could not form sentences or answer any of their questions other than his first name. I was not able to go back and see Andy right away in the hospital. After what seemed like an eternity, I was finally released from the sectioned off waiting room to go back to him. A CAT scan and blood work were drawn. His blood sugar levels were tested and came back good. He was drug tested (negative). He had an x-ray just to make sure that his lungs were okay. (He punctured the same lung twice in the last 18 months). Finally, we were sent home with no diagnosis other than being told that sometimes seizures just happen (I am not buying that) and that he should go see a neurologist to have an MRI and EEG given our family history to make sure that it is not something more serious. 

We believe that there is a connection with the fogginess he feels and his memory issues and the seizure he had. We aren't sure what that connection is, but we feel that there is definitely something going on other than a random seizure. (Oh, and he has been complaining for a while that his sense of smell is lost. Before you  think COVID - he been mentioning this for years as well.) 

We went to see his regular doctor to have a ton of blood work drawn and are waiting to see the neurologist on the 30th of September. He was tested for Celiac Disease, food allergies, diabetes, kidney function, liver function. He had his iron, B12, B6 levels checked as well. All came back clean/good. To be honest, we were disappointed in this because we were hoping that whatever is going on with him would be discovered in his blood work so that we can work on fixing it. For now, we have to wait and see what the neurologist says. 

In the meantime, we are following normal seizure protocol. No driving for Andy, no baths, and if he feels "off" to have him take a break until he feels right again. He has also been keeping a log of his sleep habits, diet habits, and exercise. He notes when he feels an increase in his fogginess in hopes that this journal will reveal something to the neurologist. 

For now, we are just waiting for answers. 

14

 

Elizabeth turned 14 on August 17th. All she wanted to do was have a "chill day hangin' with the fam". And so that is just what we did. Bob and I rented a pontoon boat as part of her birthday gift and we spent the afternoon having a great time out on Lake Monroe. 

 My in-laws and parents came out to celebrate Elizabeth so that was nice for her. The extra love and attention just on her is what she needs right now. 

My favorite thing in this whole wide world is to be with my kids and Bob. As my kids grow and life gets busier for them I appreciate our time together even more. They are my favorite people to create memories with. I love us. I hope we always love hanging out like we do now. It is truly the greatest gift. 

She is such a little daredevil. I am a big scaredy-cat and would never even attempt half of the things she does. That quality is something I admire in Elizabeth. 

I don't think that flip turned out quite like Andy wanted it to...

Elizabeth and her Nana. Elizabeth and my mom are pretty tight. I am so glad that she has my mom. 

Sarah taking the helm with my father-in-law. 

She is psyching herself up to perform a back flip off the deck area of the boat. 

This sweet girl decided to wear a life vest because she was afraid that if she had a seizure in the water she would drown. 

My loves.  

My handsome and sweet boys. 

This was right before Sarah decided to wear her life vest. She didn't feel safe without it. 

Always the showman.

He jumped right into the water right beside Elizabeth which did not make her too happy. 

Her brothers were daring her to do something, and Elizabeth is not one to back down from a challenge her brothers give. 

My girls