Alas, it is not meant to be. We just found out today that the job that we posted for in NM was given to someone else. So, for the time being, we will be staying put. As I said in an earlier post I truly felt that what was meant to be would be, and although I am disappointed from a career standpoint of Bob not getting the job I am grateful from a community/family standpoint.
So, we will wait out the end of this temporary job assignment in Chicago - which is coming to a close in 10 days - bring my hubby home, regroup, get some much needed questions answered, and formulate another plan all the while enjoying our time here.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
A Tale of Two Cities
I know that a lot of you have probably figured this out a long time ago, but I can be a VERY slow learner sometimes. I am finally figuring out that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and that sometimes you just have to let go of finding out what that reason is right then. Life will let you know what it has in store for you when the time is right, and even though things may not make sense at the present moment it will all be sorted out in the future. I pray that it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn this lesson because I have been fighting it all my life really, but intensely for the last 9+ months. Trying to make deals with God, begging, crying, yelling, throwing a tantrum, behaving in anyway that I felt necessary to try and make God reveal His plan for me. It didn't work - NOT ONE LITTLE BIT. It was only once I accepted my life as it was instead of trying to move on before this phase was over - only once I had accepted that there certain things in my life that I have absolutely no control over, and to let those things go - THEN the next phase presented itself. Just like that - poof - out of the blue came not one, but TWO potential opportunities!
As Bob and I wrestled with the decision to proceed with any job opportunities that would take us away from our current community (in which there was a job posting that would take us far away) - up popped a job posting that would be a promotion for him AND would keep us right here. Funny how that worked out.
So we made the decision to apply for both opportunities, the one that would take us far away and the one right in our own backyard. We decided that we would no longer have to struggle with the decision of whether to stay or to go because that decision was essentially taken out of our hands. It was as if God knew how much my husband (and to a lesser extent myself) struggled with the idea of taking our family away from extended family - knew how much (unnecessary) guilt he carried around in his heart, and said, "I will make this burden easier for you. I will carry it, and show you where you are meant to be." It was, to say the least, amazing. We made the decision to not tell any family members about either job opportunity as neither of them might pan out and there is no reason to expose our families to the emotions that come with a job that may or may not come to fruition. We have put them through too much this past year by sharing every opportunity we were going to try for that didn't work out for one reason or another.
I feel none of the anxiety that I have felt before when job opportunities have presented themselves. I truly feel that what is meant to be will be. There is a possibility that none of these opportunities will pan out, and I am okay with that too. We will be where we are meant to be. I know that now. I have learned that lesson the hard way.
If we go, I have decided to give up my dream of having another child (I think). It would be too much on my children to ask them to move to a new location, and add a baby into that mix as well. I would instead focus solely on them and making the transition to a new community as easy for them as I possibly can. This will make my heart sad, but I know that it is the right thing to do.
 |
| (Picture taken from: wikipedia.org) |
If we stay, I am pretty certain that we will choose to have the tubal reversal surgery. If we end up getting either the promotion here or if my husband ends up staying in his current position we will sit tight here for a while, and live our lives surrounded by our current friends and family.
| Picture taken from: commons.wikimedia.org |
I know in my heart and soul - in the deepest depths of me - that all three possibilities will lead me to exactly where I was meant to be. I feel that the angst has been taken away, and my life's journey (at this point) is in someone else's hands. I am okay giving that control over for now. I feel released from the burdens of trying to make my own way. Of trying to force things that were never meant to be for me anyway. It is a great feeling.
One nice thing about letting go of trying to control my own life - of whoring ourselves out as I have said in the past - is that I can finally enjoy the ride. Through each step of the application process I am being conscious and aware of my thoughts and feelings. I cross each step off, and wait patiently for the next step to come. Sometimes, we have waited a bit longer for the next step to come than we were hoping, but I knew that it would all be okay. (There was only one time when I called my husband frantically having a near panic attack about the whole process and how long it was taking, but I quickly calmed myself back down with his help. That alone speaks volumes about how far I have come. I used to be in near panic attack mode 24/7 on previous opportunities. It was completely stressful and draining. I think that is why this experience has been so amazing to me. I have been living my daily life focused on that, and will allow thoughts to enter my mind, let sit for a bit and then I release them back out into the land of the future unknown.)
I am excited for this new journey. I am excited to see if I am going to be staying in the community I currently live in, in the city that I know, with the friends and family that I love. I am equally excited to see if I am going to be moving to a warmer climate with an exciting culture so different from our existing one. Either way it will be an adventure, and I am most definitely up for the ride.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A Glimpse of the Future
Bob flew in from Chicago Thursday night so that I could take a much needed trip to NY to visit my family. I hitched a ride with my parents, who were planning a trip out East anyway, and spent 3.5 days without my husband or children. It was a much needed break. It was nice to be able to be surrounded by the family that I spend much of my childhood around, and to only have to worry about myself.
I think my favorite part of this weekend though,was coming home Monday afternoon and being part of our normal family again. The family that we were up until last August. The family that ate a meal together and prepared for the next school day together. The husband and wife duo that tucked in their children together, and that got up with them in the morning. The partners that helped make breakfast, pack lunches, and got kids off to school this morning. It was so wonderful to not have to do it all on my own. I appreciated the balance of shared responsibilities with a deeper sense of awe and respect than I ever have.
Not every family is split so evenly like my husband and I are. In some families it is the Mommy that seems to slack off consistently and in some families it is the Daddy that seems to forget that, yes, he is indeed a father, and with that comes certain responsibilities. My husband and I are a team, through and through. Where he is weak I am strong, and where I am weak he is strong. He is a great partner, that man of mine, and I am blessed to have married a man who is a great father. I don't ever have to worry when I leave that he won't be able to care for our children and home. Things run smoothly when I am gone, and he left as the sole parent. For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that when we are home together we each share half of the responsibility of taking care of our children. When I am tucking the girls into bed he is saying good night to the boys, and vice versa. When I am assisting in getting kids ready for their day he is running others to school.
I am so excited that in 17 days he will be home with our family. I am excited that I will have my comrade-in-arms with me every day. I have missed him a lot, and I have no idea how I have soldiered on without him for so long. I have learned a lot these past 7 months, but one of the greatest lessons I have learned is how important my nuclear family is to me, and how very much I value them all.
I think my favorite part of this weekend though,was coming home Monday afternoon and being part of our normal family again. The family that we were up until last August. The family that ate a meal together and prepared for the next school day together. The husband and wife duo that tucked in their children together, and that got up with them in the morning. The partners that helped make breakfast, pack lunches, and got kids off to school this morning. It was so wonderful to not have to do it all on my own. I appreciated the balance of shared responsibilities with a deeper sense of awe and respect than I ever have.
Not every family is split so evenly like my husband and I are. In some families it is the Mommy that seems to slack off consistently and in some families it is the Daddy that seems to forget that, yes, he is indeed a father, and with that comes certain responsibilities. My husband and I are a team, through and through. Where he is weak I am strong, and where I am weak he is strong. He is a great partner, that man of mine, and I am blessed to have married a man who is a great father. I don't ever have to worry when I leave that he won't be able to care for our children and home. Things run smoothly when I am gone, and he left as the sole parent. For that I am grateful. I am also grateful that when we are home together we each share half of the responsibility of taking care of our children. When I am tucking the girls into bed he is saying good night to the boys, and vice versa. When I am assisting in getting kids ready for their day he is running others to school.
I am so excited that in 17 days he will be home with our family. I am excited that I will have my comrade-in-arms with me every day. I have missed him a lot, and I have no idea how I have soldiered on without him for so long. I have learned a lot these past 7 months, but one of the greatest lessons I have learned is how important my nuclear family is to me, and how very much I value them all.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
My Deam Life
I have a blog post that is just sitting in my 'Drafts' box waiting to go out, but it will have to wait until next week for various reasons. So instead, you will be presented with this post:
I waver back and forth between leading a "normal" life and my Utopian life. My normal life is that in which my kids and I are allowed more access to the TV, computer, Kindle, Ipod, etc...than necessary, eat crappy food loaded with hormones and chemicals, and have privileges that we do not need. In my Utopian life there is very limited access to media, our food is whole, home made and organic - where I can pronounce the name of every ingredient that they are putting into their bodies, where we actually do things as a family - eat, play, hang out, and where life is simple.
I used to think that my wavering between these two lifestyles was a weakness - that I wasn't strong enough to stay living as close to my Utopian life as possible therefore I had failed not only myself, but my kids as well. I don't see it that way anymore - another positive bi-product of this crazy year of discovery I have been on, I suppose. I see my wavering as a sign of strength because even though I fall prey to the temptations and ease of "normal" life I always get back on track and go back to the ways of living which ring true to my heart. I have often said that I constantly feel like I am in a canoe trying to get upstream without any paddles. I feel the weight of being normal resting on my back trying to crush me and bring me to my knees - trying to force me to believe in the values and accepted practices of most of those around me.
The good news for me is that I have never really felt normal, not even growing up. I have always felt a bit odd and out of place, and I have, over time, learned that being normal isn't always a good thing. Slavery was once considered normal in the South - that definitely was not a good thing. Women were openly oppressed and considered second class citizens less than 100 years ago - that normal behavior wasn't a good thing either. Today I find it to be a normal practice for us to dumb ourselves down by allowing someone else (that someone usually being someone who makes money off of our lack of knowledge) to make our decisions for us. No longer do we make our own food - we buy the bread we eat, the vegetables, fruits, and dairy we consume come from some far off place usually laden with chemicals and fertilizers that their use in our food supply should be questionable at best. We no longer practice animal husbandry (in which the farmer respected the well-being of the animal it would eventually slaughter for human consumption), but rather animal science (in which huge corporations own the majority of livestock, and have absolutely no vested interest in the respect that the animal deserves.) We no longer consult mother nature on medical remedies that worked so well for hundreds of years instead we have placed our trust in pharmaceutical companies who profit from our illnesses. We no longer make our own clothes, rather we go to the store and buy a product made in a far away place. We allow the bright and flashy colors of magazines, commercials, and such to sell us "happiness" when the only thing that consumption brings us is a bigger ball and chain to the life most of us consider "normal", and are subconsciously trying to hard to get away from.
If I could start over and live my life the way that my truth speaks loudest to me - I would buy a piece of property that had some land. I would raise a few chickens for eggs. I would grow a big vegetable garden and home school my kids (yes, I said the much feared word - home school!!!). I would have at least 2 more children, and live in a log cabin. I would be as self sustainable as I could be. I would teach my children to ALWAYS question what people tell you. I would live a simple life.
Unfortunately, all of that is not going to happen anytime soon. If I am going to move my children I am going to move them far away. Otherwise, I am keeping them in the community that they currently live in which to my knowledge has zero large tracts of land to purchase. I am not sure that the 2 more children thing would work either. For starters, I think my husband would have a heart attack if I mentioned this to him, and after having 4 c-sections I am not sure that my body could handle 2 more. I can grow that garden that I talked about, and actually plan on having a very small one this year.As for teaching my kids to always question things - we already do that. And home schooling my kids - we'll see. The state of our education system is a mess, but for now I am going to keep them where they are at.
I am learning to depend on myself more and more to be able to do the things that 100 years ago families did naturally. I am slowly learning to keep a house, and am defining what that means to me. One step at a time is all that I can take - one small decision to live my Utopian life at a time. I may not be able to live my dream life 100% of the way I would like to, but certainly I can come pretty darn close.
I waver back and forth between leading a "normal" life and my Utopian life. My normal life is that in which my kids and I are allowed more access to the TV, computer, Kindle, Ipod, etc...than necessary, eat crappy food loaded with hormones and chemicals, and have privileges that we do not need. In my Utopian life there is very limited access to media, our food is whole, home made and organic - where I can pronounce the name of every ingredient that they are putting into their bodies, where we actually do things as a family - eat, play, hang out, and where life is simple.
I used to think that my wavering between these two lifestyles was a weakness - that I wasn't strong enough to stay living as close to my Utopian life as possible therefore I had failed not only myself, but my kids as well. I don't see it that way anymore - another positive bi-product of this crazy year of discovery I have been on, I suppose. I see my wavering as a sign of strength because even though I fall prey to the temptations and ease of "normal" life I always get back on track and go back to the ways of living which ring true to my heart. I have often said that I constantly feel like I am in a canoe trying to get upstream without any paddles. I feel the weight of being normal resting on my back trying to crush me and bring me to my knees - trying to force me to believe in the values and accepted practices of most of those around me.
The good news for me is that I have never really felt normal, not even growing up. I have always felt a bit odd and out of place, and I have, over time, learned that being normal isn't always a good thing. Slavery was once considered normal in the South - that definitely was not a good thing. Women were openly oppressed and considered second class citizens less than 100 years ago - that normal behavior wasn't a good thing either. Today I find it to be a normal practice for us to dumb ourselves down by allowing someone else (that someone usually being someone who makes money off of our lack of knowledge) to make our decisions for us. No longer do we make our own food - we buy the bread we eat, the vegetables, fruits, and dairy we consume come from some far off place usually laden with chemicals and fertilizers that their use in our food supply should be questionable at best. We no longer practice animal husbandry (in which the farmer respected the well-being of the animal it would eventually slaughter for human consumption), but rather animal science (in which huge corporations own the majority of livestock, and have absolutely no vested interest in the respect that the animal deserves.) We no longer consult mother nature on medical remedies that worked so well for hundreds of years instead we have placed our trust in pharmaceutical companies who profit from our illnesses. We no longer make our own clothes, rather we go to the store and buy a product made in a far away place. We allow the bright and flashy colors of magazines, commercials, and such to sell us "happiness" when the only thing that consumption brings us is a bigger ball and chain to the life most of us consider "normal", and are subconsciously trying to hard to get away from.
If I could start over and live my life the way that my truth speaks loudest to me - I would buy a piece of property that had some land. I would raise a few chickens for eggs. I would grow a big vegetable garden and home school my kids (yes, I said the much feared word - home school!!!). I would have at least 2 more children, and live in a log cabin. I would be as self sustainable as I could be. I would teach my children to ALWAYS question what people tell you. I would live a simple life.
Unfortunately, all of that is not going to happen anytime soon. If I am going to move my children I am going to move them far away. Otherwise, I am keeping them in the community that they currently live in which to my knowledge has zero large tracts of land to purchase. I am not sure that the 2 more children thing would work either. For starters, I think my husband would have a heart attack if I mentioned this to him, and after having 4 c-sections I am not sure that my body could handle 2 more. I can grow that garden that I talked about, and actually plan on having a very small one this year.As for teaching my kids to always question things - we already do that. And home schooling my kids - we'll see. The state of our education system is a mess, but for now I am going to keep them where they are at.
I am learning to depend on myself more and more to be able to do the things that 100 years ago families did naturally. I am slowly learning to keep a house, and am defining what that means to me. One step at a time is all that I can take - one small decision to live my Utopian life at a time. I may not be able to live my dream life 100% of the way I would like to, but certainly I can come pretty darn close.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
The Curve Ball
I knew it would happen. I just wasn't sure when or where, and now I find myself completely shaken up just like I anticipated. I also find myself feeling torn beyond reason.
There is a job opportunity for my husband in a part of the country neither of us really thought we wanted to go to. In fact - this is the second time this location has come up. We passed it by once before because we did not feel that the location was suitable for our family. So, "what", you may be asking, "has changed that you would even consider this the second time around when you passed it by the first time?!?!"
I wish that my husband and I were not so torn over potentially seeking out new career opportunities for himself and our family. I have friends who will never leave the communities that they are in because they have no desire to uproot their family to start over. They are perfectly content getting a pay check every two weeks, and living the good life right where they are at. The thought of transferring their family out of state will NEVER even be a thought in their minds. Their children will grow up alongside one another from kindergarten through high school. They will have deep, deep roots in their chosen community. I admire those friends.
On the other hand, I have friends who have traveled all over the country seeking out new career opportunities. These friends have found good communities where ever they have gone, and I cannot see them ever settling down somewhere. They have roots here and there and everywhere.The adventure of new experiences seems to tug at their hearts. They will know people all over the country, and always have a place to crash when in need.The thought of staying stagnant and having a job instead of a career doesn't appeal to them. I admire them also.
My husband and I lay somewhere in the middle of these two mind sets, and it feels like a sick twisted curse. We have the ambition and drive to seek out new adventures for not only ourselves, but for our children as well, but also have the pull of creating deep roots in one community. I know that for me, but more so for my husband, the weight of our extended family members wishes and desires weighs extremely heavily on us. He carries the burden of their voices in his heart, and I can hear it crushing his spirit as we weigh the pros and cons of applying for this current opportunity. How I wish that the fire of ambition would die in our hearts, so that we would have no regrets about staying here. How I wish that pull of extended family and friends and community would not be so strong so that we would have no regrets about leaving here.
So, back to the original question: Why would we consider seeking out this job when we passed this opportunity up without even pursuing it the first time?
Because the desire to provide for my children is strong. To provide them with not only family, but with help paying for college, for weddings to be had (hopefully), for greater earning potential so that Bob and I can travel to where ever it is that our children end up when they have grown, for career fulfillment for Bob, for adventure, for the desire to be able to care for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves.
Because this part of the country is sunny and warm. I am not a big fan of the cold and gray Ohio fall, winter, and part of spring.
Because the cost of living is similar to where we are now.
Because I feel that maybe God is giving us a second chance to take a career opportunity that we should have looked into the first time.
Because we partially passed this opportunity by the first time out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of hurting those we love. If I tell my kids not to pass something by just because they are afraid of failure (my son trying out for the basketball team is an example) why is it okay for me to reject something because I am afraid? My kids learn by my example, for better or for worse, what I am teaching my kids by not seeking out new things because I am afraid? What opportunities will they not seek out as adults because they learned by my example to be afraid and to let that fear make decisions for them in their lives?
I do know this: Bob and I need to make a decision because I cannot live on this hamster wheel any longer. We either need to stay, and put aside our ambitions OR we need to go and seek whatever it is that is waiting for us out there. We are either mobile or we are not mobile, but I REFUSE to keep saying we are mobile only to poo poo every opportunity that comes along because it is too far away or too expensive or too this or too that. Either we are going or we are staying. There is nothing wrong with either decision both have their pro's and con's.
I would be perfectly content to stay here in my home surrounded by friends and family that I love. To grow old, not only with my husband, but with those that I have known for years now. To see our children grow and become young men and women.
I would also be content to see what other communities are out there. To show my children different parts of this great country. To allow them to experience different opportunities outside of where we are now. To show them that home is not a location on a map, but rather where ever we, the 6 of us, are.
I moved a bit as a child. I attended 3 different elementary schools, moved to a new state and finished middle and high school in the same community. There were times when I hated the fact that we moved. I missed my extended family and friends. BUT I would not have met some pretty awesome people here in Ohio, if we had not moved. I would have missed out on some very fulfilling friendships that sustained me both while I was in high school, and then new friendships as an adult. I would not be living the life that I was meant to live if we had not moved from NY to OH as a child.. I would have never met my husband nor had my children. I would have married a different man and had different children. I am a firm believer that the life I have lived thus far, is the life I was meant to live.
On the one hand, I wonder what life I would be denying my children by staying here. What new friendships would they never develop? What experiences would they never have? On the flip side though, I always told myself that I when I had children I was going to stay where ever I was because I wanted them to be able to tell stories when they are Seniors in high school about the "one time when John peed his pants in kindergarten"...stories I was never able to tell because I had long ago moved away from the kids I went to kindergarten with.
A mentor of Bob's recently gave him some pretty good advice...it only confuses our situation even more, but I still found it to be good advice non-the-less. He told Bob that the newness and excitement of a job will only last so long, and then it becomes routine. The basic gist I got out of the conversation was not to chase a promotion because at the end of the day money just becomes money and you end up having to live in the location you chased your promotion to. I used to think that this location would just be chasing the promotion, but I am not so sure about that anymore. There was once a time when we may have chased a job for money, but we are in a solid spot financially, so this opportunity really isn't about the money. It is about laying the foundation for what comes after this job. This job would be an investment in our long term future.
I do think that it is quite ironic, and almost comical that one of those signs I posted to the mirror in my living room has come to fruition - the one about how I cannot move forward in my life until I am content with where I am at now. Funny, how just a couple of days ago I was writing about how content I finally felt. How I was going to just settle in and hunker down and BE here. I cannot decide whether to laugh or to cry that just a mere 1 day after writing that post a new opportunity presents itself.
How I wish there was a clear answer. How I wish things didn't seem to muddled. How I wish...
There is a job opportunity for my husband in a part of the country neither of us really thought we wanted to go to. In fact - this is the second time this location has come up. We passed it by once before because we did not feel that the location was suitable for our family. So, "what", you may be asking, "has changed that you would even consider this the second time around when you passed it by the first time?!?!"
I wish that my husband and I were not so torn over potentially seeking out new career opportunities for himself and our family. I have friends who will never leave the communities that they are in because they have no desire to uproot their family to start over. They are perfectly content getting a pay check every two weeks, and living the good life right where they are at. The thought of transferring their family out of state will NEVER even be a thought in their minds. Their children will grow up alongside one another from kindergarten through high school. They will have deep, deep roots in their chosen community. I admire those friends.
On the other hand, I have friends who have traveled all over the country seeking out new career opportunities. These friends have found good communities where ever they have gone, and I cannot see them ever settling down somewhere. They have roots here and there and everywhere.The adventure of new experiences seems to tug at their hearts. They will know people all over the country, and always have a place to crash when in need.The thought of staying stagnant and having a job instead of a career doesn't appeal to them. I admire them also.
My husband and I lay somewhere in the middle of these two mind sets, and it feels like a sick twisted curse. We have the ambition and drive to seek out new adventures for not only ourselves, but for our children as well, but also have the pull of creating deep roots in one community. I know that for me, but more so for my husband, the weight of our extended family members wishes and desires weighs extremely heavily on us. He carries the burden of their voices in his heart, and I can hear it crushing his spirit as we weigh the pros and cons of applying for this current opportunity. How I wish that the fire of ambition would die in our hearts, so that we would have no regrets about staying here. How I wish that pull of extended family and friends and community would not be so strong so that we would have no regrets about leaving here.
So, back to the original question: Why would we consider seeking out this job when we passed this opportunity up without even pursuing it the first time?
Because the desire to provide for my children is strong. To provide them with not only family, but with help paying for college, for weddings to be had (hopefully), for greater earning potential so that Bob and I can travel to where ever it is that our children end up when they have grown, for career fulfillment for Bob, for adventure, for the desire to be able to care for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves.
Because this part of the country is sunny and warm. I am not a big fan of the cold and gray Ohio fall, winter, and part of spring.
Because the cost of living is similar to where we are now.
Because I feel that maybe God is giving us a second chance to take a career opportunity that we should have looked into the first time.
Because we partially passed this opportunity by the first time out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of hurting those we love. If I tell my kids not to pass something by just because they are afraid of failure (my son trying out for the basketball team is an example) why is it okay for me to reject something because I am afraid? My kids learn by my example, for better or for worse, what I am teaching my kids by not seeking out new things because I am afraid? What opportunities will they not seek out as adults because they learned by my example to be afraid and to let that fear make decisions for them in their lives?
I do know this: Bob and I need to make a decision because I cannot live on this hamster wheel any longer. We either need to stay, and put aside our ambitions OR we need to go and seek whatever it is that is waiting for us out there. We are either mobile or we are not mobile, but I REFUSE to keep saying we are mobile only to poo poo every opportunity that comes along because it is too far away or too expensive or too this or too that. Either we are going or we are staying. There is nothing wrong with either decision both have their pro's and con's.
I would be perfectly content to stay here in my home surrounded by friends and family that I love. To grow old, not only with my husband, but with those that I have known for years now. To see our children grow and become young men and women.
I would also be content to see what other communities are out there. To show my children different parts of this great country. To allow them to experience different opportunities outside of where we are now. To show them that home is not a location on a map, but rather where ever we, the 6 of us, are.
I moved a bit as a child. I attended 3 different elementary schools, moved to a new state and finished middle and high school in the same community. There were times when I hated the fact that we moved. I missed my extended family and friends. BUT I would not have met some pretty awesome people here in Ohio, if we had not moved. I would have missed out on some very fulfilling friendships that sustained me both while I was in high school, and then new friendships as an adult. I would not be living the life that I was meant to live if we had not moved from NY to OH as a child.. I would have never met my husband nor had my children. I would have married a different man and had different children. I am a firm believer that the life I have lived thus far, is the life I was meant to live.
On the one hand, I wonder what life I would be denying my children by staying here. What new friendships would they never develop? What experiences would they never have? On the flip side though, I always told myself that I when I had children I was going to stay where ever I was because I wanted them to be able to tell stories when they are Seniors in high school about the "one time when John peed his pants in kindergarten"...stories I was never able to tell because I had long ago moved away from the kids I went to kindergarten with.
A mentor of Bob's recently gave him some pretty good advice...it only confuses our situation even more, but I still found it to be good advice non-the-less. He told Bob that the newness and excitement of a job will only last so long, and then it becomes routine. The basic gist I got out of the conversation was not to chase a promotion because at the end of the day money just becomes money and you end up having to live in the location you chased your promotion to. I used to think that this location would just be chasing the promotion, but I am not so sure about that anymore. There was once a time when we may have chased a job for money, but we are in a solid spot financially, so this opportunity really isn't about the money. It is about laying the foundation for what comes after this job. This job would be an investment in our long term future.
I do think that it is quite ironic, and almost comical that one of those signs I posted to the mirror in my living room has come to fruition - the one about how I cannot move forward in my life until I am content with where I am at now. Funny, how just a couple of days ago I was writing about how content I finally felt. How I was going to just settle in and hunker down and BE here. I cannot decide whether to laugh or to cry that just a mere 1 day after writing that post a new opportunity presents itself.
How I wish there was a clear answer. How I wish things didn't seem to muddled. How I wish...
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It's Been A While, I Know.
I have an enjoyed a much needed break these past couple of weeks from a lot of things, and I enjoyed the absence of each of those things in my life very much. I stepped away from the computer, TV (yes, it had crept back into our lives, again), people, just about everything, but myself and my kids.
And you know what? We had a GREAT couple of weeks. Each night last week we played games - my favorite is hide-and-go-seek (inside the house). Elizabeth is far and away the best hider in our family. That girl can squeeze herself into places I NEVER would have thought possible, and she will stay there for 20 minutes or so while the rest of us try in vain to find her.
Stepping away from life is so hard sometimes, but I find it necessary for me to gather MY thoughts together - not the thoughts that society would like me to have, but the thoughts that I have in my head that I know are true to me. I have often thought that if I had a chance to start over again on this parenthood journey I would buy a small house in the woods and home school my kids, and have a huge garden, and just live a life free of possessions and television and ipods and kindles, and most other technology. I know, I know, I am starting to sound like a nut to most people. I am also very well aware that I cannot begin my parenting life over. And even though the preceding statements are things I would do if I had the choice to start over I also believe that I am on the journey that I was meant to be on which means that I will need to learn to live true to my values and belief systems right where I am at. Right in the eye of the storm where television and video games and ipods and kindles, and cell phones reign supreme. Where possessions are placed on a pedestal, and valued more than family togetherness.
In the last couple of weeks a lot has happened. We had a realtor out to take a look at our home and let us know what we had to do to sell it, and for what price. (I was pleased with what she believed we could sell it for.) I went to church the past two weeks, and have, surprisingly, found much comfort in that. I mastered one of the lessons that I feel that I was meant to learn on this journey which is being content with where I am at now.
I have decided that I don't want to move anymore. I want to make some minor alterations to our current home, and then maybe in a couple of years make some bigger alterations to our home. I don't need a big house or a fancy neighborhood. I don't need a ton of possessions either. I no longer want to move my family around the country to chase a career for my husband that will bring us more material possessions, but will take my kids away from their family. There is a value is having family in their lives that neither work experience nor money can buy. That is not to say that we would NEVER move, but what it means is that I will no longer move for just any old job. It had better be something pretty extraordinary, and more importantly, it needs to feel right not in our heads, but in our hearts. I have everything that I need to live a happy life right here. Although, most would say I am crazy, I even feel that I have the ability to be able to add a new baby to this house as well. It has taken many, many, many months of heartache and struggle within myself to realize that all I need is right where I am. Funny, how I have been looking so hard for something that was right in front of my face the whole time.
So, I am making a list of small things that we can do on our home to make it more functional for our family. I think high on my priority list is getting rid of a bunch of our stuff. We have too much stuff. I have bought into consumerism way too easily, and I want to get off of that wheel. I would like to start paying much more attention to what comes into this home - not only for my children, but for me as well. I am thinking about implementing a policy that if something comes into the house to stay then something must leave the house as well. I'll let you know what I decide to do.
For now, I am not sure when I will be back on. It could be tomorrow - it could be next week. I've got some changes to make both in my home and in my life.
And you know what? We had a GREAT couple of weeks. Each night last week we played games - my favorite is hide-and-go-seek (inside the house). Elizabeth is far and away the best hider in our family. That girl can squeeze herself into places I NEVER would have thought possible, and she will stay there for 20 minutes or so while the rest of us try in vain to find her.
Stepping away from life is so hard sometimes, but I find it necessary for me to gather MY thoughts together - not the thoughts that society would like me to have, but the thoughts that I have in my head that I know are true to me. I have often thought that if I had a chance to start over again on this parenthood journey I would buy a small house in the woods and home school my kids, and have a huge garden, and just live a life free of possessions and television and ipods and kindles, and most other technology. I know, I know, I am starting to sound like a nut to most people. I am also very well aware that I cannot begin my parenting life over. And even though the preceding statements are things I would do if I had the choice to start over I also believe that I am on the journey that I was meant to be on which means that I will need to learn to live true to my values and belief systems right where I am at. Right in the eye of the storm where television and video games and ipods and kindles, and cell phones reign supreme. Where possessions are placed on a pedestal, and valued more than family togetherness.
In the last couple of weeks a lot has happened. We had a realtor out to take a look at our home and let us know what we had to do to sell it, and for what price. (I was pleased with what she believed we could sell it for.) I went to church the past two weeks, and have, surprisingly, found much comfort in that. I mastered one of the lessons that I feel that I was meant to learn on this journey which is being content with where I am at now.
I have decided that I don't want to move anymore. I want to make some minor alterations to our current home, and then maybe in a couple of years make some bigger alterations to our home. I don't need a big house or a fancy neighborhood. I don't need a ton of possessions either. I no longer want to move my family around the country to chase a career for my husband that will bring us more material possessions, but will take my kids away from their family. There is a value is having family in their lives that neither work experience nor money can buy. That is not to say that we would NEVER move, but what it means is that I will no longer move for just any old job. It had better be something pretty extraordinary, and more importantly, it needs to feel right not in our heads, but in our hearts. I have everything that I need to live a happy life right here. Although, most would say I am crazy, I even feel that I have the ability to be able to add a new baby to this house as well. It has taken many, many, many months of heartache and struggle within myself to realize that all I need is right where I am. Funny, how I have been looking so hard for something that was right in front of my face the whole time.
So, I am making a list of small things that we can do on our home to make it more functional for our family. I think high on my priority list is getting rid of a bunch of our stuff. We have too much stuff. I have bought into consumerism way too easily, and I want to get off of that wheel. I would like to start paying much more attention to what comes into this home - not only for my children, but for me as well. I am thinking about implementing a policy that if something comes into the house to stay then something must leave the house as well. I'll let you know what I decide to do.
For now, I am not sure when I will be back on. It could be tomorrow - it could be next week. I've got some changes to make both in my home and in my life.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Envelope System
Like most women, I am in charge of a good portion of our family's budget. Mainly, this is because I know intimately the ins and outs of what things will cost, and who needs what, and what events are coming up. My husband is informed on a need-to-know basis because he has a lot on his plate, and also because he trusts that I am running things smoothly and efficiently.
A while back I noticed that even though I get a good chunk of my husbands paycheck each pay period I wasn't too sure where it all went. I always had just enough to cover our expenses, but started questioning if I couldn't do things better. So began the envelope system.
Every Monday before I receive my 2 week stipend I plan out upcoming events. I create an envelope for that event, place cash in the envelope, and use only that money for that event. When the money runs out - it runs out. No using my debit card for that last minute purchase or to cover an overage in one category. This system has really helped me to be thoughtful in how I spend our family money, but also helped me to see where it is going. I keep track of every penny I spend.
For example this last pay period looked like this:
We had some family over for a little Superbowl party. So, I brought the envelope labeled 'Superbowl' to the grocery store with me, and used only that money for items I needed for that day. I had to go to 2 stores, so I placed each receipt inside the envelope along with the change. Once I got home I put the extra money into my 'Savings envelope'. That money is no longer allowed to be touched.
For the larger envelopes like - groceries - I will keep a running tab on the outside of the envelope so that I can see how much I have spent at each store and how much money I have left.
An example of miscellaneous costs for me is the box of crayons that Sarah and Elizabeth needed for school. Or Josh asked me to make cupcakes for this class, so that cost came out of the misc. envelope. Or if we rent a family movie. etc...those costs are all covered under misc.
I try and challenge myself to see how much money I can save each two weeks. Some weeks, I have done really well, and saved more money than my target goal (I set a target savings amount every 2 weeks). Other weeks, I fall short of that goal. It just depends mainly on what groceries I buy because that is one of my biggest variable costs.
It was hard for me, at first, to use this system because I was embarrassed to admit that I did not spend my portion of our family money very well. I was not managing our day to day expenses in a responsible way. I now, can say without a doubt, that I very responsible with my money, and it has allowed us more freedom that I ever thought possible. I don't worry about where money is going to come from or if I will have enough. It takes me a couple of hours every 2 week period to keep track of expenses and plan out the next check, but it is time very well spent.Plus it is so nice to see that my 'Savings' envelope is getting fatter and fatter every week.
I have no doubt that if you try this, you too, will see the benefits of this. I bet you'd be surprised where your money really goes.
A while back I noticed that even though I get a good chunk of my husbands paycheck each pay period I wasn't too sure where it all went. I always had just enough to cover our expenses, but started questioning if I couldn't do things better. So began the envelope system.
Every Monday before I receive my 2 week stipend I plan out upcoming events. I create an envelope for that event, place cash in the envelope, and use only that money for that event. When the money runs out - it runs out. No using my debit card for that last minute purchase or to cover an overage in one category. This system has really helped me to be thoughtful in how I spend our family money, but also helped me to see where it is going. I keep track of every penny I spend.
For example this last pay period looked like this:
Groceries - Week 1
Groceries - Week 2
Miscellaneous -
Superbowl -
Tolls -
Birthday -
Valentines Day
Thrift Store
Family Management Book Copies
Gas
Dog Food
Savings
Soccer Fees
Eye Doctor
We had some family over for a little Superbowl party. So, I brought the envelope labeled 'Superbowl' to the grocery store with me, and used only that money for items I needed for that day. I had to go to 2 stores, so I placed each receipt inside the envelope along with the change. Once I got home I put the extra money into my 'Savings envelope'. That money is no longer allowed to be touched.
For the larger envelopes like - groceries - I will keep a running tab on the outside of the envelope so that I can see how much I have spent at each store and how much money I have left.
An example of miscellaneous costs for me is the box of crayons that Sarah and Elizabeth needed for school. Or Josh asked me to make cupcakes for this class, so that cost came out of the misc. envelope. Or if we rent a family movie. etc...those costs are all covered under misc.
I try and challenge myself to see how much money I can save each two weeks. Some weeks, I have done really well, and saved more money than my target goal (I set a target savings amount every 2 weeks). Other weeks, I fall short of that goal. It just depends mainly on what groceries I buy because that is one of my biggest variable costs.
It was hard for me, at first, to use this system because I was embarrassed to admit that I did not spend my portion of our family money very well. I was not managing our day to day expenses in a responsible way. I now, can say without a doubt, that I very responsible with my money, and it has allowed us more freedom that I ever thought possible. I don't worry about where money is going to come from or if I will have enough. It takes me a couple of hours every 2 week period to keep track of expenses and plan out the next check, but it is time very well spent.Plus it is so nice to see that my 'Savings' envelope is getting fatter and fatter every week.
I have no doubt that if you try this, you too, will see the benefits of this. I bet you'd be surprised where your money really goes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)