I knew it would happen. I just wasn't sure when or where, and now I find myself completely shaken up just like I anticipated. I also find myself feeling torn beyond reason.
There is a job opportunity for my husband in a part of the country neither of us really thought we wanted to go to. In fact - this is the second time this location has come up. We passed it by once before because we did not feel that the location was suitable for our family. So, "what", you may be asking, "has changed that you would even consider this the second time around when you passed it by the first time?!?!"
I wish that my husband and I were not so torn over potentially seeking out new career opportunities for himself and our family. I have friends who will never leave the communities that they are in because they have no desire to uproot their family to start over. They are perfectly content getting a pay check every two weeks, and living the good life right where they are at. The thought of transferring their family out of state will NEVER even be a thought in their minds. Their children will grow up alongside one another from kindergarten through high school. They will have deep, deep roots in their chosen community. I admire those friends.
On the other hand, I have friends who have traveled all over the country seeking out new career opportunities. These friends have found good communities where ever they have gone, and I cannot see them ever settling down somewhere. They have roots here and there and everywhere.The adventure of new experiences seems to tug at their hearts. They will know people all over the country, and always have a place to crash when in need.The thought of staying stagnant and having a job instead of a career doesn't appeal to them. I admire them also.
My husband and I lay somewhere in the middle of these two mind sets, and it feels like a sick twisted curse. We have the ambition and drive to seek out new adventures for not only ourselves, but for our children as well, but also have the pull of creating deep roots in one community. I know that for me, but more so for my husband, the weight of our extended family members wishes and desires weighs extremely heavily on us. He carries the burden of their voices in his heart, and I can hear it crushing his spirit as we weigh the pros and cons of applying for this current opportunity. How I wish that the fire of ambition would die in our hearts, so that we would have no regrets about staying here. How I wish that pull of extended family and friends and community would not be so strong so that we would have no regrets about leaving here.
So, back to the original question: Why would we consider seeking out this job when we passed this opportunity up without even pursuing it the first time?
Because the desire to provide for my children is strong. To provide them with not only family, but with help paying for college, for weddings to be had (hopefully), for greater earning potential so that Bob and I can travel to where ever it is that our children end up when they have grown, for career fulfillment for Bob, for adventure, for the desire to be able to care for my parents when they can no longer care for themselves.
Because this part of the country is sunny and warm. I am not a big fan of the cold and gray Ohio fall, winter, and part of spring.
Because the cost of living is similar to where we are now.
Because I feel that maybe God is giving us a second chance to take a career opportunity that we should have looked into the first time.
Because we partially passed this opportunity by the first time out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of hurting those we love. If I tell my kids not to pass something by just because they are afraid of failure (my son trying out for the basketball team is an example) why is it okay for me to reject something because I am afraid? My kids learn by my example, for better or for worse, what I am teaching my kids by not seeking out new things because I am afraid? What opportunities will they not seek out as adults because they learned by my example to be afraid and to let that fear make decisions for them in their lives?
I do know this: Bob and I need to make a decision because I cannot live on this hamster wheel any longer. We either need to stay, and put aside our ambitions OR we need to go and seek whatever it is that is waiting for us out there. We are either mobile or we are not mobile, but I REFUSE to keep saying we are mobile only to poo poo every opportunity that comes along because it is too far away or too expensive or too this or too that. Either we are going or we are staying. There is nothing wrong with either decision both have their pro's and con's.
I would be perfectly content to stay here in my home surrounded by friends and family that I love. To grow old, not only with my husband, but with those that I have known for years now. To see our children grow and become young men and women.
I would also be content to see what other communities are out there. To show my children different parts of this great country. To allow them to experience different opportunities outside of where we are now. To show them that home is not a location on a map, but rather where ever we, the 6 of us, are.
I moved a bit as a child. I attended 3 different elementary schools, moved to a new state and finished middle and high school in the same community. There were times when I hated the fact that we moved. I missed my extended family and friends. BUT I would not have met some pretty awesome people here in Ohio, if we had not moved. I would have missed out on some very fulfilling friendships that sustained me both while I was in high school, and then new friendships as an adult. I would not be living the life that I was meant to live if we had not moved from NY to OH as a child.. I would have never met my husband nor had my children. I would have married a different man and had different children. I am a firm believer that the life I have lived thus far, is the life I was meant to live.
On the one hand, I wonder what life I would be denying my children by staying here. What new friendships would they never develop? What experiences would they never have? On the flip side though, I always told myself that I when I had children I was going to stay where ever I was because I wanted them to be able to tell stories when they are Seniors in high school about the "one time when John peed his pants in kindergarten"...stories I was never able to tell because I had long ago moved away from the kids I went to kindergarten with.
A mentor of Bob's recently gave him some pretty good advice...it only confuses our situation even more, but I still found it to be good advice non-the-less. He told Bob that the newness and excitement of a job will only last so long, and then it becomes routine. The basic gist I got out of the conversation was not to chase a promotion because at the end of the day money just becomes money and you end up having to live in the location you chased your promotion to. I used to think that this location would just be chasing the promotion, but I am not so sure about that anymore. There was once a time when we may have chased a job for money, but we are in a solid spot financially, so this opportunity really isn't about the money. It is about laying the foundation for what comes after this job. This job would be an investment in our long term future.
I do think that it is quite ironic, and almost comical that one of those signs I posted to the mirror in my living room has come to fruition - the one about how I cannot move forward in my life until I am content with where I am at now. Funny, how just a couple of days ago I was writing about how content I finally felt. How I was going to just settle in and hunker down and BE here. I cannot decide whether to laugh or to cry that just a mere 1 day after writing that post a new opportunity presents itself.
How I wish there was a clear answer. How I wish things didn't seem to muddled. How I wish...
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
It's Been A While, I Know.
I have an enjoyed a much needed break these past couple of weeks from a lot of things, and I enjoyed the absence of each of those things in my life very much. I stepped away from the computer, TV (yes, it had crept back into our lives, again), people, just about everything, but myself and my kids.
And you know what? We had a GREAT couple of weeks. Each night last week we played games - my favorite is hide-and-go-seek (inside the house). Elizabeth is far and away the best hider in our family. That girl can squeeze herself into places I NEVER would have thought possible, and she will stay there for 20 minutes or so while the rest of us try in vain to find her.
Stepping away from life is so hard sometimes, but I find it necessary for me to gather MY thoughts together - not the thoughts that society would like me to have, but the thoughts that I have in my head that I know are true to me. I have often thought that if I had a chance to start over again on this parenthood journey I would buy a small house in the woods and home school my kids, and have a huge garden, and just live a life free of possessions and television and ipods and kindles, and most other technology. I know, I know, I am starting to sound like a nut to most people. I am also very well aware that I cannot begin my parenting life over. And even though the preceding statements are things I would do if I had the choice to start over I also believe that I am on the journey that I was meant to be on which means that I will need to learn to live true to my values and belief systems right where I am at. Right in the eye of the storm where television and video games and ipods and kindles, and cell phones reign supreme. Where possessions are placed on a pedestal, and valued more than family togetherness.
In the last couple of weeks a lot has happened. We had a realtor out to take a look at our home and let us know what we had to do to sell it, and for what price. (I was pleased with what she believed we could sell it for.) I went to church the past two weeks, and have, surprisingly, found much comfort in that. I mastered one of the lessons that I feel that I was meant to learn on this journey which is being content with where I am at now.
I have decided that I don't want to move anymore. I want to make some minor alterations to our current home, and then maybe in a couple of years make some bigger alterations to our home. I don't need a big house or a fancy neighborhood. I don't need a ton of possessions either. I no longer want to move my family around the country to chase a career for my husband that will bring us more material possessions, but will take my kids away from their family. There is a value is having family in their lives that neither work experience nor money can buy. That is not to say that we would NEVER move, but what it means is that I will no longer move for just any old job. It had better be something pretty extraordinary, and more importantly, it needs to feel right not in our heads, but in our hearts. I have everything that I need to live a happy life right here. Although, most would say I am crazy, I even feel that I have the ability to be able to add a new baby to this house as well. It has taken many, many, many months of heartache and struggle within myself to realize that all I need is right where I am. Funny, how I have been looking so hard for something that was right in front of my face the whole time.
So, I am making a list of small things that we can do on our home to make it more functional for our family. I think high on my priority list is getting rid of a bunch of our stuff. We have too much stuff. I have bought into consumerism way too easily, and I want to get off of that wheel. I would like to start paying much more attention to what comes into this home - not only for my children, but for me as well. I am thinking about implementing a policy that if something comes into the house to stay then something must leave the house as well. I'll let you know what I decide to do.
For now, I am not sure when I will be back on. It could be tomorrow - it could be next week. I've got some changes to make both in my home and in my life.
And you know what? We had a GREAT couple of weeks. Each night last week we played games - my favorite is hide-and-go-seek (inside the house). Elizabeth is far and away the best hider in our family. That girl can squeeze herself into places I NEVER would have thought possible, and she will stay there for 20 minutes or so while the rest of us try in vain to find her.
Stepping away from life is so hard sometimes, but I find it necessary for me to gather MY thoughts together - not the thoughts that society would like me to have, but the thoughts that I have in my head that I know are true to me. I have often thought that if I had a chance to start over again on this parenthood journey I would buy a small house in the woods and home school my kids, and have a huge garden, and just live a life free of possessions and television and ipods and kindles, and most other technology. I know, I know, I am starting to sound like a nut to most people. I am also very well aware that I cannot begin my parenting life over. And even though the preceding statements are things I would do if I had the choice to start over I also believe that I am on the journey that I was meant to be on which means that I will need to learn to live true to my values and belief systems right where I am at. Right in the eye of the storm where television and video games and ipods and kindles, and cell phones reign supreme. Where possessions are placed on a pedestal, and valued more than family togetherness.
In the last couple of weeks a lot has happened. We had a realtor out to take a look at our home and let us know what we had to do to sell it, and for what price. (I was pleased with what she believed we could sell it for.) I went to church the past two weeks, and have, surprisingly, found much comfort in that. I mastered one of the lessons that I feel that I was meant to learn on this journey which is being content with where I am at now.
I have decided that I don't want to move anymore. I want to make some minor alterations to our current home, and then maybe in a couple of years make some bigger alterations to our home. I don't need a big house or a fancy neighborhood. I don't need a ton of possessions either. I no longer want to move my family around the country to chase a career for my husband that will bring us more material possessions, but will take my kids away from their family. There is a value is having family in their lives that neither work experience nor money can buy. That is not to say that we would NEVER move, but what it means is that I will no longer move for just any old job. It had better be something pretty extraordinary, and more importantly, it needs to feel right not in our heads, but in our hearts. I have everything that I need to live a happy life right here. Although, most would say I am crazy, I even feel that I have the ability to be able to add a new baby to this house as well. It has taken many, many, many months of heartache and struggle within myself to realize that all I need is right where I am. Funny, how I have been looking so hard for something that was right in front of my face the whole time.
So, I am making a list of small things that we can do on our home to make it more functional for our family. I think high on my priority list is getting rid of a bunch of our stuff. We have too much stuff. I have bought into consumerism way too easily, and I want to get off of that wheel. I would like to start paying much more attention to what comes into this home - not only for my children, but for me as well. I am thinking about implementing a policy that if something comes into the house to stay then something must leave the house as well. I'll let you know what I decide to do.
For now, I am not sure when I will be back on. It could be tomorrow - it could be next week. I've got some changes to make both in my home and in my life.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Envelope System
Like most women, I am in charge of a good portion of our family's budget. Mainly, this is because I know intimately the ins and outs of what things will cost, and who needs what, and what events are coming up. My husband is informed on a need-to-know basis because he has a lot on his plate, and also because he trusts that I am running things smoothly and efficiently.
A while back I noticed that even though I get a good chunk of my husbands paycheck each pay period I wasn't too sure where it all went. I always had just enough to cover our expenses, but started questioning if I couldn't do things better. So began the envelope system.
Every Monday before I receive my 2 week stipend I plan out upcoming events. I create an envelope for that event, place cash in the envelope, and use only that money for that event. When the money runs out - it runs out. No using my debit card for that last minute purchase or to cover an overage in one category. This system has really helped me to be thoughtful in how I spend our family money, but also helped me to see where it is going. I keep track of every penny I spend.
For example this last pay period looked like this:
We had some family over for a little Superbowl party. So, I brought the envelope labeled 'Superbowl' to the grocery store with me, and used only that money for items I needed for that day. I had to go to 2 stores, so I placed each receipt inside the envelope along with the change. Once I got home I put the extra money into my 'Savings envelope'. That money is no longer allowed to be touched.
For the larger envelopes like - groceries - I will keep a running tab on the outside of the envelope so that I can see how much I have spent at each store and how much money I have left.
An example of miscellaneous costs for me is the box of crayons that Sarah and Elizabeth needed for school. Or Josh asked me to make cupcakes for this class, so that cost came out of the misc. envelope. Or if we rent a family movie. etc...those costs are all covered under misc.
I try and challenge myself to see how much money I can save each two weeks. Some weeks, I have done really well, and saved more money than my target goal (I set a target savings amount every 2 weeks). Other weeks, I fall short of that goal. It just depends mainly on what groceries I buy because that is one of my biggest variable costs.
It was hard for me, at first, to use this system because I was embarrassed to admit that I did not spend my portion of our family money very well. I was not managing our day to day expenses in a responsible way. I now, can say without a doubt, that I very responsible with my money, and it has allowed us more freedom that I ever thought possible. I don't worry about where money is going to come from or if I will have enough. It takes me a couple of hours every 2 week period to keep track of expenses and plan out the next check, but it is time very well spent.Plus it is so nice to see that my 'Savings' envelope is getting fatter and fatter every week.
I have no doubt that if you try this, you too, will see the benefits of this. I bet you'd be surprised where your money really goes.
A while back I noticed that even though I get a good chunk of my husbands paycheck each pay period I wasn't too sure where it all went. I always had just enough to cover our expenses, but started questioning if I couldn't do things better. So began the envelope system.
Every Monday before I receive my 2 week stipend I plan out upcoming events. I create an envelope for that event, place cash in the envelope, and use only that money for that event. When the money runs out - it runs out. No using my debit card for that last minute purchase or to cover an overage in one category. This system has really helped me to be thoughtful in how I spend our family money, but also helped me to see where it is going. I keep track of every penny I spend.
For example this last pay period looked like this:
Groceries - Week 1
Groceries - Week 2
Miscellaneous -
Superbowl -
Tolls -
Birthday -
Valentines Day
Thrift Store
Family Management Book Copies
Gas
Dog Food
Savings
Soccer Fees
Eye Doctor
We had some family over for a little Superbowl party. So, I brought the envelope labeled 'Superbowl' to the grocery store with me, and used only that money for items I needed for that day. I had to go to 2 stores, so I placed each receipt inside the envelope along with the change. Once I got home I put the extra money into my 'Savings envelope'. That money is no longer allowed to be touched.
For the larger envelopes like - groceries - I will keep a running tab on the outside of the envelope so that I can see how much I have spent at each store and how much money I have left.
An example of miscellaneous costs for me is the box of crayons that Sarah and Elizabeth needed for school. Or Josh asked me to make cupcakes for this class, so that cost came out of the misc. envelope. Or if we rent a family movie. etc...those costs are all covered under misc.
I try and challenge myself to see how much money I can save each two weeks. Some weeks, I have done really well, and saved more money than my target goal (I set a target savings amount every 2 weeks). Other weeks, I fall short of that goal. It just depends mainly on what groceries I buy because that is one of my biggest variable costs.
It was hard for me, at first, to use this system because I was embarrassed to admit that I did not spend my portion of our family money very well. I was not managing our day to day expenses in a responsible way. I now, can say without a doubt, that I very responsible with my money, and it has allowed us more freedom that I ever thought possible. I don't worry about where money is going to come from or if I will have enough. It takes me a couple of hours every 2 week period to keep track of expenses and plan out the next check, but it is time very well spent.Plus it is so nice to see that my 'Savings' envelope is getting fatter and fatter every week.
I have no doubt that if you try this, you too, will see the benefits of this. I bet you'd be surprised where your money really goes.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Adding a New Element
I am going to put this blog on hold until next week because we have a realtor coming to look at our house on Friday. If the conditions are favorable, we are thinking of putting it on the market. I will be spending the next couple of days getting some loose ends together, so that I don't have to worry on Friday about this and that.
I have decided to go in a new direction with my blog (I will still include some of the old style posts about the kids and things). I am a bit of a rare bird in my community, and several people have approached me with questions about how I do certain things. For example: I am a vegan, I am a stay at home mom, I make my own cleaning products, I have a Family Management Book, I make my own pizza crust, bread (both sandwich and dinner), breakfast items, snacks, etc...from scratch. Now, I know that I am not the only person in the world, nor even my community that does this, but I am one of the only people in my circle of friends that does this kind of a thing, and I thought that I would share my recipes and tips on how I do things. I know that some people would love to incorporate some of what I do into their lives they are just not sure how to get started. So, stay tuned for next week.
Happy rest of your week, and weekend!
I have decided to go in a new direction with my blog (I will still include some of the old style posts about the kids and things). I am a bit of a rare bird in my community, and several people have approached me with questions about how I do certain things. For example: I am a vegan, I am a stay at home mom, I make my own cleaning products, I have a Family Management Book, I make my own pizza crust, bread (both sandwich and dinner), breakfast items, snacks, etc...from scratch. Now, I know that I am not the only person in the world, nor even my community that does this, but I am one of the only people in my circle of friends that does this kind of a thing, and I thought that I would share my recipes and tips on how I do things. I know that some people would love to incorporate some of what I do into their lives they are just not sure how to get started. So, stay tuned for next week.
Happy rest of your week, and weekend!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
A Delicate Balance
I have been feeling a little out of sorts again lately. I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, nor exercising. I haven't been taking time each day to journal or read or any of the other things I like to do to "sharpen the saw" (as Stephen Covey would say). I have been irritable and withdrawn and I can feel that I have built a stone wall around my heart again blocking both my husband and children out.
I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks. So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?
So, this got me to thinking (surprise, surprise) about how delicately balanced my life is, and needs to be in order to feel at peace within. How one minor change or adjustment will change the course of so many things in my life. Kind of like the Butterfly Effect. If I do not respect this delicate balance then my whole life gets thrown off course ever so slightly. What may seem like a trivial thing - like journaling for example - is really important to the psyche of my life. I shouldn't be so flippant about it, and think -"Oh, no big deal if I cannot journal today. I'll just get to it tomorrow." The thing is that "tomorrow" something else pops up making it easy for me to push aside that important part of my life yet again. There are several things in my life that I push aside regularly that I shouldn't because even though each may appear as just a small part of it that can be set aside the reality is that those small things collectively create a big part of my life. A part of my life that when not tended to makes the other parts of my life - the really important parts like being a mother and wife off kilter.
Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.
When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.
I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks. So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?
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| knowyourmeme.com |
Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.
When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Beginning the Teenage Years
My oldest, Andy, is twelve and a half. I can tell that he is slowly changing - not just physically, but emotionally as well. I have noticed him trying to figure things out, thinking about big picture idea's, asking questions about "grown up" concepts, and questioning the value of current relationships to him as both new and old friends each go on their own journey towards adulthood.
Some of the changes I have seen don't surprise me on bit. Others I was not quite prepared for. I am grateful that I have worked for the last couple of years on being open with my kids, and allowing them to feel comfortable to come to me about any situation they would like to bring to my attention because that foundation will be very useful during these turbulent teenage years. Sometimes I wonder if some of the choices I make as a parent are really going to pay off in the end - being available to them for anything is going to pay off in a big way I can tell already.
I know that at his core, Andy will remain very much the same. It is just the details of himself that will change. He will no longer be "my Andyman", but rather just Andy - a person truly distinct and apart from me. On the one hand I am grateful that I get to walk near him on this journey towards adulthood, and to lend him a helping hand when he needs it. But I now see that I no longer can walk beside him because now is the time in his life when he needs work stuff out on his own. It is time for him to see if the foundation that Bob and I helped him build will support the structure that he will make on his own to create his own life. I hope that we have done him justice.
On the other hand, I am so very sad. You see, when we become parents, when I became a parent anyway, I thought that I would have my children as my own for many, many, many years, but really that is not the case. I have my children as my own for just a short while, and then they become teenagers and they want to spread their wings and figure things out for themselves. At this point they are no longer my babies - they are each becoming their own people - as they have been from the moment they were all born. They no longer need me as much, and rightfully so. But it doesn't make it any less easier for me. I wonder if Andy is going to be my hardest to let go because he is my oldest and my first child to go through this stage in life. I feel both heartbroken and pure joy. I am heartbroken because if I could, I would keep all of my children with me always. I admire them and love them all in a way that I cannot explain. I am so very joyful because I believe that my children are not my possessions, but gifts that have come from the Universe through me to the world. I cannot wait to see how each of children grows and leaves their imprint on those around them. How they each change the world.
I will let Andy go - I will allow him the space to grow, and become the beautiful, wonderful young man that I know he is destined to become, but I will always be there in the wings cheering him on all the way. I will let him fall because that too, is a part of life, but I will ALWAYS be there for him to support him in any way that will help on this journey called Life.
Some of the changes I have seen don't surprise me on bit. Others I was not quite prepared for. I am grateful that I have worked for the last couple of years on being open with my kids, and allowing them to feel comfortable to come to me about any situation they would like to bring to my attention because that foundation will be very useful during these turbulent teenage years. Sometimes I wonder if some of the choices I make as a parent are really going to pay off in the end - being available to them for anything is going to pay off in a big way I can tell already.
On the other hand, I am so very sad. You see, when we become parents, when I became a parent anyway, I thought that I would have my children as my own for many, many, many years, but really that is not the case. I have my children as my own for just a short while, and then they become teenagers and they want to spread their wings and figure things out for themselves. At this point they are no longer my babies - they are each becoming their own people - as they have been from the moment they were all born. They no longer need me as much, and rightfully so. But it doesn't make it any less easier for me. I wonder if Andy is going to be my hardest to let go because he is my oldest and my first child to go through this stage in life. I feel both heartbroken and pure joy. I am heartbroken because if I could, I would keep all of my children with me always. I admire them and love them all in a way that I cannot explain. I am so very joyful because I believe that my children are not my possessions, but gifts that have come from the Universe through me to the world. I cannot wait to see how each of children grows and leaves their imprint on those around them. How they each change the world.
I will let Andy go - I will allow him the space to grow, and become the beautiful, wonderful young man that I know he is destined to become, but I will always be there in the wings cheering him on all the way. I will let him fall because that too, is a part of life, but I will ALWAYS be there for him to support him in any way that will help on this journey called Life.
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