My Word Of The Year for 2017

Several years ago I noticed that some of the bloggers I followed chose words for the upcoming year. These words were what each woman was going to choose to focus on because they were areas that she was lacking or areas that they wanted to improve upon. Some of the past words I have seen used were things such as: patience, calm, or organize. I liked the concept a lot, but never really implemented the idea into my own life. 

 Then April died and I found myself questioning so much of what I thought I knew. One day recently I was thinking about her again and a word just popped into my head. It came out of the blue without rhyme or reason. I was in between thoughts about April and her death when this word appeared to me. Once is reverberated in my psyche I knew instantly why this word was presented to me. This word cannot have come at a better time. It was meant to be my focus point of 2017. 

In 2017 I am going to focus on being more intentional. 

More intentional with:

My words

My thoughts

My time

My finances

My faith

My health

More intentional with my roles: 

As a mother

A wife

A daughter

A sister

A friend, etc...

 

 April's passing helped put a mirror up to my face and showed me just how much I was living my life on autopilot. She helped me to see that if I were to die unexpectedly how much of my life would not be as I would want it to be. How much of my life I would look back on and realize that I would love to have had that time again to do it over. And since I know, thanks to my good friend Tim, that life isn't a practice round I don't think that there could be a better word of the year for me at this point in my life.

Start By Doing

With there being so many changes that I want to make in our family structure I know that I could easily get overwhelmed. A planner by nature, I tend to pore over ideas and plan and plot them out only to have these elaborate schemes pitter out shortly after implementation. This is no good for me and it certainly isn't good for the kiddos.

Planning is all well and good, and I would argue very necessary for many things in life, but when there are many changes to be made finding a place to begin writing down a plan would take too long. Part of my problem is that I live in a perpetual state of  "I'll start tomorrow" and well, tomorrow never really comes. The issues just pile up and collect. My plans end up being just plans with no action. Great ideas with nothing being done to implement these ideas.

Instead I have been jotting some of my thoughts and ideas down in my journal. Just little thoughts here and there of things that I would like to change, things that I would like to continue, things that seem to be working, and things that aren't working. This seems to be more effective right now and much less overwhelming than extensive plans to change everything that I want to change. Plus, I am finding that some of the best ways for me to reestablish some of the things we need to get back to is if I just start doing it. No plans - just action.

A few of the things I will be reintroducing into the house are as follows:

1.  Limited electronic time. (For myself included.)
2.  Dividing up household chores more consistently and equally (according to age and ability).
3.  Getting out of the house more for day trips during the school week.
4.  Spending more time together as a family after Bob gets home from work each night and also on the weekends.
5.  Establishing family meals times for all 3 meals. (We have the opportunity to eat together and take a collective breath at least three times a day. We should take advantage of that.)
6. Bed time routine.
7. Adding more fun to our school day. 

We have established some pretty good routines that are unique to our family in each of these areas. I would like to regain those routines once again as I feel that they will allow our family to run optimally. This will also help make some of the growing pains we are currently experiencing. 

I will be happy to share more about these routines as they are solidly reestablished into our home. 

Getting Back on the Path

I am the heart of our home. 

And while Bob and I run this home together it is I who create the day to day feeling of home among the six of us. 

As the heart of our home it is my job to be on top of the tone in our home. Am I doing everything I can do to create a comfortable home where all 6 of us can live? Am I helping our kids live up to the best of their ability? Am I taking care of myself so that I can make sure that I have the energy and mental resources to offer my kids and husband the best version of myself? Am I consistently creating the type of environment that I want to model for my children? Am I giving them the tools to help them becoming fully functioning adults? Am I seeing my kids physical cues when something is amiss in their lives particularly when they are not able to verbalize the potential issue yet? Am I nurturing them in the ways that they each need to be nurtured? Is my general mood/tone/outlook on life positive or negative? Am I being the best homemaker that I can be? Am I being lazy in my duties to provide the best home I can? If so, why?  And so on and so forth. 

I have noticed that we have been leaking some of our values and core beliefs slowly over time. In fact, some of these ideals were drifting away so slowly I didn't even realize they were so depleted until my boys pointed it out in a much needed heart to heart conversation that we had yesterday afternoon. 

I am thankful that my children feel they can come to me. I have really worked hard to build that kind of open door relationship with them, and even though they came to me with some constructive criticism/concerns of my parenting and how our family is run, I appreciate their feedback all the more because I know how difficult it was for them to speak their minds. 

Their feedback was mostly nothing that I did not already know, but it was so important because it is the final straw that is motivating me to get my act together in some ways that I have been sorely lacking. Some times facing hard truths can only be done when motivated to see these truths through the eyes of your children. 

The details of our conversation are not anything that I am going to share as I think it would really bother my boys, but especially Josh if he knew that I was so open with you all about the things he was holding close to his heart. Suffice it to say that some of the stuff has to deal with the day to day things that happen in our home, but others are deeper issues that will be addressed.

The cool thing about this situation is that I know how to fix it. The uncool thing is how hard it is going to be to get back on the path of where I want our family headed. I can do hard things though. I can do hard especially for the sake of my family. 

I am thankful that this conversation occurred this week. I had already been thinking of some changes that I wanted to make in the upcoming year. The boys concerns have prompted me to look harder at what I was already looking at, but also to look beyond what I was looking at. It is times like these that I am thankful that I am such a deep thinker. I am glad that I have mastered the skill of looking at personal problems from just about every angle. This will certainly help me when tackling some of the issues that have popped up and have prevented us from being the best family of 6 we can be. 

I look forward to addressing these issues one and two at a time until we are running at our full potential once again. 

  

Back To Food

Behind only our rent our food costs are our family's highest monthly expenditure. Unlike our rent this expense is variable which means that I have some control over this cost.

I wish that food wasn't such a struggle for me. I wish that I didn't wrestle with our family's food ideals and costs nearly constantly. I think of all of the things that I struggle with food is the most frustrating to me because, in my mind anyway, food should be simple.

But food is anything but simple. In fact, it is one of the most complex issues I deal with in my life. I go back and forth in my beliefs on food especially now that we live in such an expensive part of the country and are trying to do so on a single income. I find that in trying to maintain the family life that we have built for our kids, and the family life they have recently told us they want to maintain, Having me home and homeschooling have become just as important to our kids as it was/is to Bob and I. The only way I can realistically not have to seek part time work outside the home greater than 20 hours per week is if I can curb some of our food costs.

One of the nice things about living in the Pacific Northwest is that there are a lot of people that feel very strongly about eating organic/near organic/homegrown/local food. There are farmers markets just about everywhere. There are tons of farmers that sell from their homesteads in every direction that you go and offer a wide variety of food items year round.

The problem I wrestle with is cost. It is not cheap to buy quality food. And I know that the argument is that you can either pay for quality food upfront or you can pay for cheap food afterwards with doctors bills. I get that concept. I really do, but when it comes to saving a buck on food costs I find that sometimes I am willing to gamble on paying the doctor later in order to save money right now especially when I know that saving money right now will help me to maintain the lifestyle that we all cherish in our home.

But...and you know me there is just about always a but - deep inside I know that I wrestle with food because I know that I have the answer to my food struggle it's just that the answer to my food struggle is not the answer that I want. The answer is the harder solution for me and I don't want hard. I want food to be easy. I also want it to be cheap.

I think that the kind of food I want can be cheaper (maybe?)...if I am willing to spend some time in the kitchen. I have to be willing to commit myself to planning meals and preparing meals. I have to be willing to not buy things from a box, bag, or can, but be willing to make things from scratch. I have tried bits and pieces of this life before, but it is time consuming and hard. And truth be told, I can do hard things, but sometimes I am just too damn lazy. Preparing foods from scratch day in and day out most of the time just plain stinks.  I am not one to love being in the kitchen. There are many in my family who have been blessed with a natural ability to cook and bake and prepare creative meals from scratch. I missed that gene in my formation. I was too busy picking up the 'gets stressed out easily and overthinks way too much' gene. And I have had it (wisely) recommended to me to just take one day a week and meal prep because that works so well for so many, but for me because I make the choice/have the luxury of being a stay at home mama, it doesn't matter if it takes me 6 hours on Sunday or 1 hour Monday thru Saturday the time is the same for me for meal prep. It all stinks.

I have some people in my life who I consider food purists. They know the way of eating that is right for them and they eat that way with no internal struggles. It is what it is for them and they aren't willing to compromise on the food issue. I envy those people. I wish it was that easy for me.  I wish food was not a constant struggle on so many levels all of the damn time. It is exhausting.

I wish I could just pick a food philosophy and stick with it. Or maybe the real issue is that I know what my food philosophy is, but I just don't have the balls or the fortitude to stay with it. Either way my struggle is exhausting and I wish it would stop. Until that day comes, I will be in the trenches wrestling with myself and what to do (easy, cheap, time saving, but unhealthy food vs. time consuming, expensive, healthy food)....yet again.

The Merriest of Times

I do not know who is more excited about Christmas this year. Me or the kids.

As a follower of Jesus I know I am supposed to focus on the birth of Christ this holiday season and all that that means, but truth be told, I get more wrapped up in the Santa part of the season. I know that sounds terrible, but it is my truth.

Throughout the year my kids don't get a lot of stuff. I don't buy them toys, gadgets, or other things. My one weakness in this category is books, and if we have rented a book from the library first and found it to be worthy I will generally buy a used copy of the book at Abebooks.com or Amazon.com.

We  buy 99%  of our clothes second hand (with the exception of socks and under garments) both for the ecological factor, but mostly because of the cost factor. When new things do make it through the door of our home via birthday or Christmas gifts the older children pass down their items to the younger ones as they outgrow these items. New shoes are bought only when absolutely necessary and even those get recycled down to the younger kids. Everyone has two pair of shoes with the exception of the girls who may have three depending on the time of year. The kids have a pair of sneakers and a pair of sandals. The girls, on occasion, may have a third pair of dressy shoes like fashion boots or slip on shoes.

I would like to think that I am not a very materialistic person, and I would like to raise my children with this same value. I think it is one of the most important gifts I can give them as a parent.

That being said, I still get giddy with excitement each Christmas because it is the one time of year that Santa will bring new things through the door. Not things that are needed (although those are included too), but things that are wanted.

It is so much fun watching as the kids lists unfold throughout the course of November and the beginning of December. Each of the kids seem to write several lists - the younger ones writing what seem like a dozen or more - and then they turn in their final lists to be mailed to Santa in the second week of December.

My boys asked for very little this year. They are well aware that we are a single income family living in a very expensive part of the country. Their lists were maybe 5 things at the most. They were frugal in their selections with each of them asking for just one item that was a little bit pricey. This thoughtfulness of course made me want to double and triple their gifts - if only I could find a money tree somewhere with which to magically produce a bigger budget than I have. Sarah's list too was smaller than it usually is as she makes the transition from little girl to a young lady. Her list was well thought out as she straddles the space of Believer and Unbeliever. Elizabeth with all of the innocence of a child had a list that was double and triple of what her siblings asked for. I smiled many times as I watched the list change and change again with each revision making sure to keep a close eye on the items that seemed to remain on those dozen or so lists consistently.

I made sure to have a small budget for Bob and I to get each other a little something this year too. Some years we are able to get each other gifts and some years we are not. It just depends on the available funds on any given year. Normally, we would rather give to others than to ourselves, but given that I am on a tight budget while living in Portland I decided that there were some luxuries that I would love to be gifted this year and made a small list accordingly. I knew that I was going to allot a budget for Bob and I this year so I have been making a mental list of gifts I knew that Bob would love/need. I purchased those and am very excited to watch him open his presents this year. (I am majorly excited about one gift in particular which will only improve my status as best wife ever in his eyes. Never mind the fact that I am his only wife - I think. Actually, I know. He can't handle me half the time. He certainly isn't going to add to his misery.)

Santa was able to score some good deals on some of the items asked for which allowed him to buy a few more items than initially thought. I think everyone of the kids is going to be pleasantly surprised this year with what is under the tree for them.

The best part of Christmas this year for me is going to be watching them open their gifts. It always is, but this year particularly so as they all know (with the exception of Elizabeth) that money is tight and will be until May 23th when our year commitment is up here and we can start looking for our next adventure. (But who's counting, right? Certainly, not this gal. Ha!)

This year is going to be special because when they open their gifts they will know that they are getting a bit more than they asked for, and they will know that decisions were made to spend the extra money on them when it didn't have to be.  I know that more than the gifts themselves, they will appreciate the fact that they know how hard their Dad works to make sure that they can have an extra special Christmas. THAT appreciation is worth all of the sacrifice and hard work we have put in these last 6 months to make living here on a single family income viable.

To have humble appreciative kids is a blessing and a true gift in and of itself. I am thankful that I get to borrow four of them and to be able to call them my children.

As for our plans for this weekend, we are most likely going to hike tomorrow morning. Then we are going to head to a really cool nickel arcade in the afternoon. We will have a nice dinner at home before heading out to Peacock Lane to check out a neighborhood in southeast Portland well known for their Christmas lights. We will come home and watch my all time favorite Christmas movie - The Polar Express. Finally, I will read them The Night Before Christmas an honor that was originally bestowed upon Bob from my father, but got passed on to me when the kids booted Bob from the job for his lack of book reading out loud skills. I am honored to carry on the tradition as it is something that connects me to my father and my kids to me.

The kids are trying to get Bob and I to allow them to wake us up at 6 am on Christmas to open gifts. We are still in talks about that as Bob and I would love to sleep in a bit more. At the same token I am excited that they are still excited and want to get up super early still even though we are well past the normal threshold of childhood Christmas excitement given their ages. I am thankful that even though they are growing old that they all still believe in the spirit of Christmas. To borrow a concept from the Polar Express - I hope that the bell will ring for all four of them even as they grow old.

Merry Christmas to you all!

(And for those of you that I know and love - Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah!)

My Life With Electronics

I think it is fair for me to say that I have a love/hate relationship with electronics. I also think it is fair to say that I have an addiction to electronics.

I understand very clearly that technology and electronics go hand in hand. I also understand that technology and electronics are not only the way of the future, but are already the way of life right now. Everyone is plugged in and glue in.

We no longer write letters. We email. (Unless you are my mother, God love her, who puts us all to shame with her amazing letter writing thoughtfulness.)

We no longer call people on the phone. We text or email.  (I am totally guilty of this as I really hate talking on the phone with 99% of the population.)

We do not visit with one another. We Facetime.

We Snapchat, Instagram, Tweet, and use various other platforms to communicate with one another.

We expect a response from people within minutes of texting, sending email, posting a message on Facebook, etc.., and when we don't get a response or a reaction we wonder if there is something wrong or if someone is mad at us.

This is the world we live in, and I know I am not touching even the tip of the technological iceberg.

Oh, and I haven't even gotten to TV or video games yet.

We watch mindless TV to relax and tune out.

Our kids play hours of video games. Talking to virtual strangers about strategy of the game. Our children (a lot of them) play more  hours of video games than they do any other waking activity. These games are becoming more and more realistic shooting the "enemy", competing against an unseen opponent in a sporting game, or any other variety of activities.

A lot of our kids have short attention spans as they sit for hours watching TV with flashing images popping up in their shows and in the commercials repeatedly.

As mom and dads we use electronics to placate our kids or occupy them so we can just get a "moment alone".  Never realizing that the 1000 times we have checked our phones throughout the day were actually a 1000 moments when we were alone. How many times have you been on your phone and your child was calling your name over and over again and you didn't even realize it because you were lost on Facebook, or yahoo!, or some other random site? Yeah, me too.

I am guilty of all of those things. All of them.

And it makes me sick to my stomach. I have tried countless times to control my electronic exposure, but I struggle time and time again. There seems to be some invisible pull that brings me back time and time again.

I know that  technology, and with it, electronics are the now and the future. I know this. And I realize that I have to accept that this is the way that the majority of the human population is choosing to take the human race. But what if I don't like it? What options do I have?

It's not that I shun all technology. I don't. There is technology out there like Khan academy that was the basis for Andy to begin his programming ventures. There is technology that Sarah uses like Voice Over that allow her to have some access the luxuries that we the sighted have.

But I also think there is so much fluff out there that we, that I, get distracted by. When we can no longer have conversations with our children or our children's friends without them checking their phones or being lost in video game/TV land there is something wrong with that. And there is something wrong with the fact that so many of us, myself included, cannot seem to stop this cycle of inattentive addiction. When we as adults cannot pull ourselves away from Facebook there is something wrong with that.

It makes me feel icky inside. (And I know that is such a lame term, but it is accurate. I literally feel gross in my belly when I have spent too much time being plugged in.) Being plugged in all of the time makes me depressed. It is such an addiction for our family, but mostly for me. I know this because when I make the conscious effort to stop it is almost painful for a day or two to pull away from electronics. I constantly yearn to be checking this or that. My creative juices are tapped out. BUT when I am committed to stepping away from electronics I find my creative juices returning and my need/want to be plugged in wanes. I find that I can live a life without checking Facebook a gazillion times a day. In fact, I can actually live a life without Facebook at all.  And that is a very freeing feeling to me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like I am at a crossroad. Electronics are taking up too much our family's life. Electronics are affecting our quality of life, and I don't like it, but I also feel like there are vital components to electronics that are more necessary for us to use than not.

  I like having access to Facebook because it allows me to check in on those that I love and see how they are doing. Being an adventurer and a nomadic family means that I have the privilege of meeting all of sorts of people from all over the country. Wanting to stay in touch with those people as we wander from place to place makes Facebook  the perfect avenue for doing so. And I like blogging too. I will never be a superstar at it, but I like writing down my thoughts and feelings because I know that there are others of you out there who feel the same way, but maybe feel like you are alone in your thoughts/feelings. And I like blogging for much of the same reasons that I like Facebook - it allows me to share our family's adventures with all of you. It is the best way that I know to take you with me where ever we go.

But I don't like checking Facebook 1000 times a day. And I don't like spending too much time getting lost in others blogs so that I lose sight of my own life and my own day. (I do love reading some blogs though I just have a tendency to go overboard.)

So, what I am to do?

I have been looking into giving up my smartphone and purchasing a flip phone. This will help me to stop using my phone as an escape throughout my day. And that in itself is a start.

I have also been thinking about setting a timer and only being allowed to blog, check email, check Facebook, etc...during that time period and then holding fast to that time frame.

I am trying to think of other ways too to curb my addiction.

And here's the thing. The electronic usage in our family starts with me. If I quit using electronics so much I can spend more time being in the moment with my kids. I can plan more things, play more games, read more books, do crafts, anything really. This in turn will pull them away from the desire to be on electronics so much. Which, although painful at first, will help us all in the end.

I want my kids to grow up knowing that technology is very useful, but that it has a specific place in our lives. That it should not BE our lives. Maybe this thought process is archaic and outdated. So be it. This is what feels right to me. This is what feels most authentic to me, and I must not be afraid of how loony our family appears to be if we cut down on electronics. I must not be afraid that if I give up my smartphone that I am not going to be in the know right this second on everything that is happening in the lives of those I am intertwined with.

I need to show myself and my family that taking a step back and just breathing is one of the best gifts we can give each other this Christmas season. And then I need to take that gift and move it forward, so that it isn't just a concept that gets thrown away once the newness of it wears off. I need to make it become the gift that keeps on giving because it will do so if I can pull it off.

But it has to start with me. And that frightens me, but I know that I am brave. And I know that I can do hard things. I want to live a life that is fully mine and authentic. Pulling the plug on my electronic addition is one of the best and most fruitful ways I can think of living the life I so desperately want to live.  I want to live with intention. Ever moment of every day. That is my goal.

Brave

As for many, this time of year is often full of great reflection. As I take the time to ponder all that occurred in 2016 I cannot help but ask myself a bevy of questions.  What went well this year? What didn't go so well? Where have I been? Where am I now? And where do I want to go in the future?

April's death is still weighing heavily on my heart. And I am thankful for this heaviness because the loss of her life has really been pivotal in helping me get some razor sharp perspective in some areas of my life where I was a struggling hot mess.

I have thought a lot about bravery lately. For some reason after April died that word popped into my head and I cannot get it out. So, when I couldn't shake it from my mind I did what I am best at and I have spent a lot of time thinking about that word and why I find myself unable to get it out of my head.  What does it mean to me to be brave? Am I living a brave life? Why is that word so important to me? And this is what I have come up with:

Being brave is doing something that scares the hell out of you, but you do it anyway because you will not let fear rule over your life.

This word is so important to me because I feel that fear has the ability to stifle us into living unauthentic lives and making us feel as if we have 1000 tomorrows in which to deal with fear head on which allows us to put off dealing with it indefinitely. This is what fear wants.

This word is also important to me because, for me anyway, being brave means living a life fully alive. It means living a life where I am not just going through the motions of doing what I am supposed to do. What we are all supposed to do. Grow up, go to college, get married, buy a home, have children, grow children, work at 9-5 jobs to pay bills, retire, die. This way of life isn't the way so many of us want to live, but we do because we feel that this is what we are supposed to be doing. It living a rote life that when we get to the end of it we think, "What the hell was I doing that whole time?!"

I pondered if I was brave.

And like the roar of a lion I could feel a voice deep with answer with a most assured voice: Yes, I am brave.

I am brave because even though living a nomadic life scares the hell out of me I do it anyway because that is the life that calls to me. That is the life that makes me feel most alive. And I will not let fear keep me from living this life.

We all have lives that call to us. We have secret lives that we wish we could live if only...If only the bills were paid. If only the job could be quit. If only more money was made. If only there was family support. If only we didn't feel stuck where we were because of this or that. We all have those reasons that we give ourselves in the daytime when our mind overtakes our hearts. But at night...right before we fall asleep there is the voice that calls to us and even meets us in our dreams. It is our authentic voice that pulls at our heart and tells us that we CAN live the life we secretly yearn for. The voice calls to us, pleads with us. begs us to make the changes necessary - no matter how bold, or scary, or different they may be. And then we wake up and the voice of necessity takes over once again. And we are living lives that pay bills, take care of family, provide stability, portray a sense of normalcy until night falls again...And the cycle plays over and over again. We all do this. I do this.

My secret life is a life of adventure. Except that now it isn't so secret because it is life that you see displayed on this space over and over again. And for a while I forgot that my life was one of adventure. I just felt lost.

One day recently, I walked up the stairs and past the computer desk to pictures that flash across the screen when the computer is in the 'sleep' mode. And I saw my life flashing before my eyes with each passing photograph. And you know what? I loved what I saw. I loved seeing pictures of Ohio, New Mexico, the Grand Canyon, trips to Phoenix, Tuscon, Albuquerque, Maryland, NYC, Chicago, and on and on...And in between the photos I thought of all of the times that I was scared about the choices we were making for our family. I thought of all of the times that I questioned whether we were doing right by our kids and ourselves by living such a nomadic existence. And I realized that that was just fear whispering in my ear trying to prevent me from my life as fully as I need to. It was fear trying to keep me subdued and okay with anything less than a life that is truly mine.

And I became refocused on living a life of true adventure. Of taking trips and making memories. I want to have so many photos on my computer screen filled with the adventure of my life that I cannot get through them all from start to finish. I felt alive when I looked at those pictures flashing before my eyes that day. I could remember the feelings that I felt creating each of those memories. It was such a gift to be able to see all of the great parts of my life - the parts that make me feel most alive - right there before my very eyes.

I am brave. YOU are brave. What life is calling to you? What secret things do you have in your heart that you want to be doing that you don't? Why don't you?  You are brave enough to live the life that fear tells you you cannot. I know you are. You know you are.

I get to live in the Pacific Northwest. To me, that is so cool. It is cool, not because it is where I prefer to be, because the second we can move out of here you better be damn sure I am on that plane out, but because it is an adventure. It is somewhere completely different from where I have ever lived or will (most likely) live again.  We won't be here forever. In fact, I would be surprised if we were here long at all. So, what will I miss about this place when I leave? The ocean, the mountains, the river gorge, the forests - then I need to make damn sure that I am experiencing those things as much as possible. I need to create an adventure out of living here. I need to remember that adventure isn't always going to be easy or given to me. Sometimes I just need to get out there and create an adventurous life on my own.

 I don't know when my last breath will be taken.  I want to live in each place and live there with every part of me. Because when you live the life of a nomad you take all of the places you have been and the people you love with you. And if you are like me, and are terrible about keeping in touch, then you know that those people who truly know you and love you know that they are with you always. You carry them with you tucked away in the most special places in your heart. And they are with you when your eyes fill with tears at the beauty of the Grand Canyon. And they are with you when visit God in Soledad Canyon. They are with you as you walk through dense moss covered forests of the Pacific Northwest. And the most loved of them all know that even though I don't call and seldom write I think of them often. Because I am the sum total of all of those loves and all of those experiences.

While I believe that each of us comes with a core personality it is the perspective that we have on life, the experiences we create, and the people who cross our path that shape us into the fullness of who we are. We are all just the sum total of these things.

As this year ends I ask that you take the time and think about the life that you are living. Is it where you really want to be? If it is - awesome! If it is not - how can you change that in 2017? Even if the changes that you want to make scare you I know that you are brave enough to make them. Even if it is just making a tiny change - the first of many - towards a bigger change. You can do it. We are all brave enough to live the lives we were meant to live even if we don't know it yet.

It Is Time

It has been almost 6 months to the day that we moved from Las Cruces, New Mexico to Portland, Oregon. Almost 6 whole months. You have read about my struggles adjusting to life here. You have read my words as I searched to find the good and to appreciate the lessons I am meant to learn in this place. And it has been hard.

I took a walk with Bob yesterday. He took me to a new park that was filled with beauty just waiting to be explored. We quietly strolled down the different paths taking in what Mother Nature had to offer us. As we walked the weather turned from an annoying drizzle with gray skies to a sunny New Mexico sky. Feeling the warmth of the sun was a gift, and I soaked it up.

As I was eyeing the beauty around me feeling thankful to get out of the house and into nature where I always find myself rejuvenated I heard a voice. (I know, I know only crazy people supposedly hear voices. Maybe I am crazy. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I suppose.) Every great once in a while this voice will speak to me and I can only say that it sounds like the voice of God to me. In the solitude of my walk the voice simply said, "It is time.", and I knew exactly what that voice was referring to. It is time to let go of New Mexico. It is time to move on.

The truth is, I haven't given Portland a fair shake because the whole time I have lived here I have been comparing it to something it will never be: New Mexico.

I hope some day to be able to move back to New Mexico, but now is not that time. As much I think I would like to it cannot be. At least not now. And I need to stop wishing for something to happen that isn't going to because it is taking away from my ability to truly be in the here and now where I am right this moment.  New Mexico will always be there. That is one of its greatest gifts. I can explore the rest of this great country and know that, God willing, I can always move back there when the time is right.  New Mexico will always be home to me. Just like 272 Washburn Road will always be home to me. And the shores of Wellfleet, Ma will always be home to me. Home is the physical location where I have left a piece of my heart at, and in return, taken a piece of that place with me. Home is also the people I love: my friends and family.

I have a wanderer's heart. I cannot change that. And if I moved back to Las Cruces it wouldn't stay home to me because I am not ready to settle down yet. Las Cruces would be become like a prison to me, and all of the things I love would become things I despised. I want to always love Las Cruces. I want to ache for it like I do now.

I need to let Las Cruces go. Just like when I moved from Ohio to New Mexico there came a time when I knew that I needed to let those that I love go and allow myself to settle into my new life in New Mexico. It doesn't mean that I don't still love those I left behind in Ohio. Quite the opposite, actually. But in order to allow myself the ability to experience all that New Mexico had to offer me I had to stop holding on to all that I left behind wishing that I was there and wondering what life would have been like had we not moved.

It is the same here. I cannot experience, not truly anyway, all that Oregon has to offer if I am here only in body while my heart is in New Mexico. I need my heart to be here with my body.

After that voice spoke to me I thanked New Mexico for all bountiful gifts it bestowed upon me. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to live there for 19 months. And I let it go. It sounds so simple, and in a way it was, but it was also a completely profound experience for me. It was a moment that I am not likely to forget any time soon.

Today when I passed by the computer and saw pictures of New Mexico I felt differently. Instead of longing to be there now I was thankful to have once been there. I felt grateful for being brave enough for answering the call that resided deep with me to live the life of a wanderer. The easy thing for me would have been to stay in one place, but then I would have missed life changing experiences like New Mexico, and even Oregon, and the places yet to come.

It is time to focus on Oregon. It is time for ALL of me to be here. Not in the past in New Mexico, but here in the present. It is time to allow this wanderer's heart to explore fully all that Oregon has to offer.

These pine needles were soooo long. 

Even the bird houses cannot escape the moss. 

A typical cloudy day.

It is so green here. It is so weird to live some place where the grass is greener in the winter than in the summer. 

Water, water everywhere. 

The sun trying to peak out. 

All of the covering on the trees is actually a thick moss. 

Blue sky trying to break through...

Everything drips with rain. 

I saw these two pine cones and immediately thought of Bob and I. Two pine cones growing side by side hanging on with all of their might just trying to do the best they can.  

What is left of the snow. 

Moss growing on a tree. 

Blue sky winning out. 

A web of water droplets.

And winner! BLUE SKY!!!!!!

I immediately thought of the book "The Giving Tree" when I saw this. 

This moss has covered this tree limb like a glove.