Brave

As for many, this time of year is often full of great reflection. As I take the time to ponder all that occurred in 2016 I cannot help but ask myself a bevy of questions.  What went well this year? What didn't go so well? Where have I been? Where am I now? And where do I want to go in the future?

April's death is still weighing heavily on my heart. And I am thankful for this heaviness because the loss of her life has really been pivotal in helping me get some razor sharp perspective in some areas of my life where I was a struggling hot mess.

I have thought a lot about bravery lately. For some reason after April died that word popped into my head and I cannot get it out. So, when I couldn't shake it from my mind I did what I am best at and I have spent a lot of time thinking about that word and why I find myself unable to get it out of my head.  What does it mean to me to be brave? Am I living a brave life? Why is that word so important to me? And this is what I have come up with:

Being brave is doing something that scares the hell out of you, but you do it anyway because you will not let fear rule over your life.

This word is so important to me because I feel that fear has the ability to stifle us into living unauthentic lives and making us feel as if we have 1000 tomorrows in which to deal with fear head on which allows us to put off dealing with it indefinitely. This is what fear wants.

This word is also important to me because, for me anyway, being brave means living a life fully alive. It means living a life where I am not just going through the motions of doing what I am supposed to do. What we are all supposed to do. Grow up, go to college, get married, buy a home, have children, grow children, work at 9-5 jobs to pay bills, retire, die. This way of life isn't the way so many of us want to live, but we do because we feel that this is what we are supposed to be doing. It living a rote life that when we get to the end of it we think, "What the hell was I doing that whole time?!"

I pondered if I was brave.

And like the roar of a lion I could feel a voice deep with answer with a most assured voice: Yes, I am brave.

I am brave because even though living a nomadic life scares the hell out of me I do it anyway because that is the life that calls to me. That is the life that makes me feel most alive. And I will not let fear keep me from living this life.

We all have lives that call to us. We have secret lives that we wish we could live if only...If only the bills were paid. If only the job could be quit. If only more money was made. If only there was family support. If only we didn't feel stuck where we were because of this or that. We all have those reasons that we give ourselves in the daytime when our mind overtakes our hearts. But at night...right before we fall asleep there is the voice that calls to us and even meets us in our dreams. It is our authentic voice that pulls at our heart and tells us that we CAN live the life we secretly yearn for. The voice calls to us, pleads with us. begs us to make the changes necessary - no matter how bold, or scary, or different they may be. And then we wake up and the voice of necessity takes over once again. And we are living lives that pay bills, take care of family, provide stability, portray a sense of normalcy until night falls again...And the cycle plays over and over again. We all do this. I do this.

My secret life is a life of adventure. Except that now it isn't so secret because it is life that you see displayed on this space over and over again. And for a while I forgot that my life was one of adventure. I just felt lost.

One day recently, I walked up the stairs and past the computer desk to pictures that flash across the screen when the computer is in the 'sleep' mode. And I saw my life flashing before my eyes with each passing photograph. And you know what? I loved what I saw. I loved seeing pictures of Ohio, New Mexico, the Grand Canyon, trips to Phoenix, Tuscon, Albuquerque, Maryland, NYC, Chicago, and on and on...And in between the photos I thought of all of the times that I was scared about the choices we were making for our family. I thought of all of the times that I questioned whether we were doing right by our kids and ourselves by living such a nomadic existence. And I realized that that was just fear whispering in my ear trying to prevent me from my life as fully as I need to. It was fear trying to keep me subdued and okay with anything less than a life that is truly mine.

And I became refocused on living a life of true adventure. Of taking trips and making memories. I want to have so many photos on my computer screen filled with the adventure of my life that I cannot get through them all from start to finish. I felt alive when I looked at those pictures flashing before my eyes that day. I could remember the feelings that I felt creating each of those memories. It was such a gift to be able to see all of the great parts of my life - the parts that make me feel most alive - right there before my very eyes.

I am brave. YOU are brave. What life is calling to you? What secret things do you have in your heart that you want to be doing that you don't? Why don't you?  You are brave enough to live the life that fear tells you you cannot. I know you are. You know you are.

I get to live in the Pacific Northwest. To me, that is so cool. It is cool, not because it is where I prefer to be, because the second we can move out of here you better be damn sure I am on that plane out, but because it is an adventure. It is somewhere completely different from where I have ever lived or will (most likely) live again.  We won't be here forever. In fact, I would be surprised if we were here long at all. So, what will I miss about this place when I leave? The ocean, the mountains, the river gorge, the forests - then I need to make damn sure that I am experiencing those things as much as possible. I need to create an adventure out of living here. I need to remember that adventure isn't always going to be easy or given to me. Sometimes I just need to get out there and create an adventurous life on my own.

 I don't know when my last breath will be taken.  I want to live in each place and live there with every part of me. Because when you live the life of a nomad you take all of the places you have been and the people you love with you. And if you are like me, and are terrible about keeping in touch, then you know that those people who truly know you and love you know that they are with you always. You carry them with you tucked away in the most special places in your heart. And they are with you when your eyes fill with tears at the beauty of the Grand Canyon. And they are with you when visit God in Soledad Canyon. They are with you as you walk through dense moss covered forests of the Pacific Northwest. And the most loved of them all know that even though I don't call and seldom write I think of them often. Because I am the sum total of all of those loves and all of those experiences.

While I believe that each of us comes with a core personality it is the perspective that we have on life, the experiences we create, and the people who cross our path that shape us into the fullness of who we are. We are all just the sum total of these things.

As this year ends I ask that you take the time and think about the life that you are living. Is it where you really want to be? If it is - awesome! If it is not - how can you change that in 2017? Even if the changes that you want to make scare you I know that you are brave enough to make them. Even if it is just making a tiny change - the first of many - towards a bigger change. You can do it. We are all brave enough to live the lives we were meant to live even if we don't know it yet.