The Gifts Of Portland

I am in the home stretch. My last days of employment outside the home are almost done. This upcoming Saturday, December 10th is my last official day. I cannot wait to come home and to just BE home.

Preparations are in the works for this celebration. Laundry that feels like it hasn't been done in the entire two months of my employment are being caught up on this week. The house is getting a much needed deep clean. The household budget it being relooked at and readjusted. Christmas lists are being revised and cut down again and again as the realization that Christmas isn't really about gifts finally is beginning to sink in.

My time working in retail, although incredibly hard for me, has presented its own unique set of gifts none of which are tangible. Tears welled up in my eyes as I walked into work on Thanksgiving as I saw the line of people waiting for the 6 pm hour when the store would open its doors and allow them to get their "great deals". I wonder how many Thanksgivings were altered so that they could stand in line for hours in the blistering rain just to get a damn TV or an iPod touch or the latest toy for the kid in their lives. I have no family in town, so working on Thanksgiving wasn't as big of a sacrifice for me as it was for others. But it doesn't mean that I didn't resent being there.

 There were employees all across America that had to miss their child's first Thanksgiving or a loved one's last (or a good part of it anyway) because they didn't want to lose their job to do so. They need their retail job to try and afford the meager life that retail pay will allow them. They cannot afford to take the risk of being fired for calling off.

The reaction of tears that I first encountered when I got to the store that night turned to anger. Anger that we have become so freaking materialistic as a nation that we would be willing to sacrifice time with family on a national holiday just to buy a piece of shit item that is most likely going to be throw away, donated,  or broken by next Christmas. Oh, and yes, you could argue that those employees don't have to work for those stores. But how many places offer the flexibility that retail stores do?

 How about instead of talking about how those people don't have to work there how about we instead show some freaking compassion and just not shop on Thanksgiving? How about we think about someone else besides ourselves when decide to shop on Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve or any other holiday that requires people to be away from their loved ones when it isn't necessary. We aren't talking about police or firemen. People who are very much needed to help those in need when emergencies occur on those days. I am talking about retail store employees.

And you can tell me that the stores are open, so if you don't shop there then these employees will have shown up to work for nothing. And I will tell you that you are full of shit because those employees will not have to show up next year or the year after if you, the consumer, do not make it profitable for those stores to remain open on holidays. I bet if you took a poll and asked store employees if they would be willing to come in to an empty store, so that the next year and the year after that they did not have to sacrifice time away from their family's on the holidays they would answer a resounding 'yes'.

I think it is fair to say that I have struggled since moving to Portland. I have struggled to find the gifts of this place, but I know they are here. And some of them are starting to come to light.

I would have never been able to understand just how much I wanted to be home - how much I am needed at home - if I hadn't gotten a seasonal job here in Portland. I would have never known how much I am willing to do to stay home. That is one of the gifts of Portland.

I would have never known just how much I despise materialism unless I had moved to Portland. I knew that I didn't like it, but after moving here and living in the area that I do, and after working in retail, I have realized that I hate it. HATE IT. It leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth that I have found that I have a hard time stomaching being around people who value it. I constantly have that 'throw up in my mouth' taste when I am around flashy, arrogant, rude, 'better than thou', materialistic people. This, believe it or not, is another of Portland's gifts.

I also would not have learned how important it is to seek beauty out and how important that is to my soul. The area that I live in is very ugly to me because it is consumer driven - if that makes sense. Big houses, flashy cars, the latest gadgets, the fancy clothes, the fancy everything...is so ugly to me. I see no beauty in that lifestyle. And it surrounds me. I have learned that on our journey of going where ever my husband's employer sends us that some places will not be immediately beautiful, BUT that doesn't mean that beauty isn't around. I have found beauty in the Pacific Ocean, Mt Hood, the huge pine forests of the Pacific Northwest, just to name a few places. None of these places are exactly close, but they are all close enough to seek out. They restore my frazzled soul and bring me right again. Maybe the next move will be to the plains of Kansas (I hope not) and it may be hard for me to find beauty there, but I will know after living here, that beauty can always be found if I am willing to seek it out. This is yet again another gift of Portland.

I have had much time to reflect these last couple of weeks, more time than usual, if you can believe that. I don't know where we will be next, and I do hope that we aren't here long. Those thoughts haven't changed. But what has changed is my perspective. It seems like it is always changing as life unfolds in front of me. I have come to look forward to change in perspective as each passes before me.

Some mamas are working mamas because they love their careers. And they are better mamas because they can work outside the home. Some mamas are working mamas because they have to be, and would give anything to be able to be home with their babies (no matter how old their babies may be). My heart breaks a little for those mamas. Some mamas know that being home is their life calling. They have wanted nothing less else since they can imagine and have both God's will and a steadfast plan that allows them to do so. I salute all of these mamas. As different and diverse as they are I salute and honor them all.

And some mamas, like me, are meant to be home, but just need a little reassurance from time to time that this is where they are most needed and meant to be. This is Portland's best gift to me. Some day, when my kids and husband no longer need me at home, I will spread my wings and work, not in retail, but with the elderly in some capacity changing lives and making a difference. I feel that is my calling. But for now, my most pressing calling, and the one that matters the most is that of a homemaker, a homeschooler, and a stay at home mama. I am proud to be a homemaker. I don't think that is a derogatory word as some may perceive it to be. To me, this word is an honorable one, and I am honored to create a home for my husband and children. I am thankful for this job. It is one that I am good at.

Home. I cannot wait. On Saturday night at 10:01 pm Pacific Time I will be free. Free to do what I love the most. Free to be with my kids and my husband. Free to be with my dogs and guinea pigs too. Free to focus all of my energy on creating the best home for those I love the most.

Thank you, Portland for making me work to see your gifts. Things worked for are remembered much better than things just given. Thank you for hiding your gifts and forcing me to seek them out. Thank you for bringing me further on the path in creating a life uniquely mine. I have found that it is through struggle and hardship that the most prized gifts are found. You have certainly not let me down. Now it is my turn to take your gifts and use them to help me soar.