It Is Time

It has been almost 6 months to the day that we moved from Las Cruces, New Mexico to Portland, Oregon. Almost 6 whole months. You have read about my struggles adjusting to life here. You have read my words as I searched to find the good and to appreciate the lessons I am meant to learn in this place. And it has been hard.

I took a walk with Bob yesterday. He took me to a new park that was filled with beauty just waiting to be explored. We quietly strolled down the different paths taking in what Mother Nature had to offer us. As we walked the weather turned from an annoying drizzle with gray skies to a sunny New Mexico sky. Feeling the warmth of the sun was a gift, and I soaked it up.

As I was eyeing the beauty around me feeling thankful to get out of the house and into nature where I always find myself rejuvenated I heard a voice. (I know, I know only crazy people supposedly hear voices. Maybe I am crazy. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I suppose.) Every great once in a while this voice will speak to me and I can only say that it sounds like the voice of God to me. In the solitude of my walk the voice simply said, "It is time.", and I knew exactly what that voice was referring to. It is time to let go of New Mexico. It is time to move on.

The truth is, I haven't given Portland a fair shake because the whole time I have lived here I have been comparing it to something it will never be: New Mexico.

I hope some day to be able to move back to New Mexico, but now is not that time. As much I think I would like to it cannot be. At least not now. And I need to stop wishing for something to happen that isn't going to because it is taking away from my ability to truly be in the here and now where I am right this moment. New Mexico will always be there. That is one of its greatest gifts. I can explore the rest of this great country and know that, God willing, I can always move back there when the time is right. New Mexico will always be home to me. Just like 272 Washburn Road will always be home to me. And the shores of Wellfleet, Ma will always be home to me. Home is the physical location where I have left a piece of my heart at, and in return, taken a piece of that place with me. Home is also the people I love: my friends and family.

I have a wanderer's heart. I cannot change that. And if I moved back to Las Cruces it wouldn't stay home to me because I am not ready to settle down yet. Las Cruces would be become like a prison to me, and all of the things I love would become things I despised. I want to always love Las Cruces. I want to ache for it like I do now.

I need to let Las Cruces go. Just like when I moved from Ohio to New Mexico there came a time when I knew that I needed to let those that I love go and allow myself to settle into my new life in New Mexico. It doesn't mean that I don't still love those I left behind in Ohio. Quite the opposite, actually. But in order to allow myself the ability to experience all that New Mexico had to offer me I had to stop holding on to all that I left behind wishing that I was there and wondering what life would have been like had we not moved.

It is the same here. I cannot experience, not truly anyway, all that Oregon has to offer if I am here only in body while my heart is in New Mexico. I need my heart to be here with my body.

After that voice spoke to me I thanked New Mexico for all bountiful gifts it bestowed upon me. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to live there for 19 months. And I let it go. It sounds so simple, and in a way it was, but it was also a completely profound experience for me. It was a moment that I am not likely to forget any time soon.

Today when I passed by the computer and saw pictures of New Mexico I felt differently. Instead of longing to be there now I was thankful to have once been there. I felt grateful for being brave enough for answering the call that resided deep with me to live the life of a wanderer. The easy thing for me would have been to stay in one place, but then I would have missed life changing experiences like New Mexico, and even Oregon, and the places yet to come.

It is time to focus on Oregon. It is time for ALL of me to be here. Not in the past in New Mexico, but here in the present. It is time to allow this wanderer's heart to explore fully all that Oregon has to offer.

These pine needles were soooo long.

Even the bird houses cannot escape the moss.

A typical cloudy day.

It is so green here. It is so weird to live some place where the grass is greener in the winter than in the summer.

Water, water everywhere.

The sun trying to peak out.

All of the covering on the trees is actually a thick moss.

Blue sky trying to break through...

Everything drips with rain.

I saw these two pine cones and immediately thought of Bob and I. Two pine cones growing side by side hanging on with all of their might just trying to do the best they can.