A Helpful Reminder

Slow & Steady

Have you ever had the sensation that you were drowning?

I have been feeling that way the last two weeks. I can clearly see the surface of the water as I wildly will my mind and body toward the surface, but for some reason I cannot get to that place. I have been walking around most of the time viewing myself from outside of my body and it has been a very surreal experience. I have felt empty. My life has seemed full of darkness and blackness and what scares me most was that there was nothing traumatic happening in my life that could have triggered this response in my body.

It has been so scary. Every morning I would get up and do the routine things that needed to be done in my life. Schooling happened albeit a bit differently and more slowly. I was able to get the kids from point A to point B each night, but in doing these things I have felt like just a shell of myself.

I have felt like a robot going through the motions all the while not really be present in my body. It has been one of the scariest experiences of my life (outside of Sarah's stuff). Thoughts of running away have plagued me, but I don't even have a real destination in mind as to where I want to go. All of the places that normally sooth me don't seem appealing at all.

The only thing that kept me going was the I knew that at some point the darkness that surrounded me had to subside. And I was right. Although I am not out of the woods yet, I can see some light, and that is always a good thing. I am slowly able to reenter my body and take a look at what could have possibly caused this feeling of great depression in my life. Here is what I have been able to come up with:

1. Depression runs in my family. I know that the gene pool I have inherited has a history of people who have suffered from (and still do) depression. This makes me more prone to falling under the crushing weight that ones feels when going through a sustained episode of darkness.

2. I have been under immense self induced pressure.  Because I was unable to do more than the bare necessities of what needed to get done each day I have been able to see just how much I try to accomplish each day. I put immense pressure on myself to be the perfect educator, the perfect homemaker, the perfect cook, the perfect mother, etc...The weight of expectation that I was hurling on my shoulders would crush anyone. I am just surprised that I did not collapse sooner.

3. I have not been taking care of myself.  I have gained back all of the weight that I lost a few months ago. I am no longer exercising regularly. I am not taking time away from my family regularly. I am not reaching out to my close friends regularly. I am not giving myself the same love and time that I give to everyone else in my house. The reservoir of self care that I built up through all of those months of exercising and eating properly dried up long ago.

4. I expect way too much from myself.  I am an all or nothing girl. The reason that I am this way is because I am a perfectionist. I either go at something full blown and do it perfectly, or I don't do it at all so that I cannot fail, or if what I am doing shows the least sign of not being done to perfection I let everything go to hell in a hand basket and give up.

5. I have been "hanging out" with the wrong crowd. I am in an introvert. I didn't know this about myself for a really, really long time, but I know that now. Yes, I can come up with small talk  and can schmooze with people if I need to, but really I would rather be by myself. When I recharge, I go somewhere alone  - on a walk, to a bookstore, etc...I can listen to you talk all day long about yourself, and would, in fact, prefer that, rather than talk about myself. (Which is ironic, I know, considering that I have a blog where I bare some pretty raw parts of myself, but I blog alone on my computer not in a crowd of people.) I have a ton of acquaintances, but very few actual friends and I prefer it that way. (This also has to do with #4 in that I am afraid to be friends with people because I am afraid of not being able to be the perfect friend. I am afraid of letting people down, and I would rather not deal with the drama that sometimes comes with friendship.) So, what I choose to do instead is read a lot of blogs. I have a wide variety of blogs that I do really enjoy, but the problem is that I have let these blogs slowly define my own view of myself and what I should be. I see these smiling moms who cook great meals and talk about living off of the land and their great diets and their fabulous huge families and their toned bodies and their fabulous homes. And after reading these women day in and day out for years I have realized that where their voices leave off and mine begins has lost its defining point. I truly believe that who you hang out with the most is who you become like - whether that is who you are authentically or not - and so, for me, I have been (unconsciously) molding my life to look like theirs because I want the pretty version of what they display on their posts instead of a real life which includes both the beautiful and the ugly. And because I live a life that includes both the good and the bad - the bad times make me think that I am doing something wrong rather than just realizing that bad parts of life are just that - a part of a well lived life. Good and bad, light and dark, you cannot have one without the other. Except that I forgot that because I am bombarded with the prettiness of life day in and day out by these women who only show how nice life can be (or if they dare show a hint of darkness it is easily turned into light again with the swift sweep of a broom and a good rug in which to brush it all under.)

It's not that I don't know who I am. I know exactly who I am. I am the sum off all of those who have influenced my life along with the sum of  all of my experiences. So, this isn't a life crisis of not knowing who I am. This is more just about this really cool woman who lost her way for a while, got crushed by her genetics, expectations, lack of self-care, and some really unrealistic role models.

So, where does this leave me? I don't really know and I am not in a rush to find out. I need to take some time to just decompress. I need to take some time to think about what is working in my life and what is not working in my life. And to be honest with myself about those answers. I need to stop putting so much damn pressure on myself to find the perfect diet, the perfect homeschooling method, the perfect way to keep a home, the perfect way to cook, etc...I need to remember that I am a human being. Just a mere mortal. In some ways, these last couple of weeks have been a blessing in disguise because even though I have felt surrounded by darkness I am able to see just how crazy a life I was trying to lead. I am able to see outside of myself and to see how unrealistic my goals and expectations were. I am not out of the woods yet, I still feel a bit melancholy, but I do know that I will get through this one day at a time. This slow and steady pace will eventually lead me to all of the answers I need and am looking for. I have Hope in that, and if I know nothing else I do know that Hope has never let me down before.

In These Times

I have been having some rough days lately. These are dark days when someone like me questions just about everything in her life because she realizes that she just cannot do it all. Sometimes that is hard to admit for someone like me. I want to be Superwoman and teach my children 4 different amazing curriculum, have an amazingly clean house, serve completely nutritious meals that are not poisoning my children, be super healthy and fit all the while having a smile on my face and a song in my heart, as my Aunt Julie would say.

I can attempt to be Superwoman for a while, but then the trying gets to be too much and I fall flat on my face - HARD. And it hurts a lot. That is what I am going through right now. I have fallen, gotten hurt, and am trying to figure out how the hell I am going to dust myself off and keep on trucking.

I have created this amazing life where I am at the heart and center of everything for everyone in this household, but I have also created this life where I am the heart and center of everything for everyone which means when mom falls everything seems to go to hell in a hand basket. It's a double edged sword. Especially, when it is built upon unrealistic expectations.

I cannot be Superwoman. I just cannot, but admitting that is so hard for me.  I come from a long line of women who do way too much for way too many people and then wear themselves out and are good for no one, but most especially for themselves. This same group of women  have some amazing qualities as well - they are resilient, strong willed, hell bent on getting stuff done their way in their time, they will fight for their families with everything that they have. But on the other side of the coin these women don't know when to ask for help, do way too much, and have unrealistic expectations of themselves. All of these things are found within myself as well.

I feel a bit lost in these times because my Superwoman facade was popped. Now that I am just me I don't know what I can handle. I feel frozen and stuck in my life because I feel all of these people who depend on me to deliver a certain product that I cannot deliver as just Elicia/Mom. Superwoman has been carrying me for so long. And the thing is my Superwoman facade has popped before and I have taken off her costume before for a bit only to put it back on and attempt to live her superhero life once again. I need to stop picking up the suit and trying to put it on. It doesn't fit me.

I have had so many random thoughts lately: get a part time job, get a full time job, start a book club for adult mamas, put the kids in school, keep them home, simplify our homeschool routine, keep doing the same curriculum we have been doing, keep going with the Family Management book, hire someone else (if I got a job) to do the cleaning, run away to a beach house in Wellfleet, MA all by myself and leave my husband and kids to fend for themselves here. As you can see I have had many different thoughts this past week or so. And I have had so many more some of which I would be mortified to share.

(It doesn't help either that our future here is up in the air...still. What we thought was Bob's career trajectory may have changed a bit, and we may end up going to a city that I have absolute no desire to go to, and also one that wasn't even on the radar. I thought we would have known something by now giving us some inkling of how much longer we would be here, but we are still waiting on a confirmation of some sorts  & instead we have just been given bits and pieces of news leaving me to try and piece together what our future is going to look like. It is enough to make one freaking crazy.)

I guess what it comes down to, now that my Superwoman costume blew off, is I am not sure how much responsibility I, the non-superhero, want. How much can my human body handle and how much does it want to handle? Do I want to clean my house like a superstar? Do I want to homeschool my children anymore? Do I want to go out and work part/full time? What do I want? And more importantly, what do I need to do to be able to function, sanely, at a human level? Superhero me tried to handle it all and blew up face planting  in the harsh wake up call that goes by the name of  Reality. It is hard trying to carry all that I try and tackle on my shoulders. It doesn't help either that most of the bloggers that I love are these Christian homemakers that talk about a calling and  having a happy heart at trying to do it all. That is the danger of loving blogs as much as I do. Only our best faces are put forth usually making our lives seem like one big slice of hot apple pie with vanilla ice cream on the side. And then people like me compare ourselves to those women and wonder how we can ever measure up? And when we finally realize we cannot measure up to them - nor should we aspire to because then we are not living a life authentic to ourselves - we feel guilt for wanting/needing to choose a different path.

And all the meanwhile, as I am having this life crisis (not that I can really call it that seeing that I live a life that is so unaccustomed to real hardship), I still need to feed, clean, school, and grow four children. How I am ever going to figure anything out or pick myself up off of the floor I do not know. I just want to push a pause button on my life until I figure everything out. If only life could be that easy.

B-U-R-N-E-D Out

I have a confession to make. For the past two weeks I have been contemplating putting my kids back in public school and going out and getting a part time job. I have even gone so far as to look on line to see what jobs are available here in Las Cruces that would peak my interest. The thought of sending my kiddos away for 8 hours a day and not be solely responsible for the education has seemed like a glorious thought more days than not lately.

I am burned out.

Really, really burned out.

I know that if I actually chose to put my kids back in public school and go get a job of my own that I would regret it the minute I did it. I would miss my kids terribly. And I don't think that they would be getting a better education in school. I think that I can do a better job in my own home of educating my children than the public school can, but that is only because I know my children better and can cater an education around their strengths and weaknesses. My dislike of public education has nothing to do with those hardworking teachers who try  their best day in and day out. My dislike of education comes from the fact that the system is broken and because the government is involved so heavily in overseeing the whole thing it will never work correctly.

My desire to put my kids back into public school is purely a selfish one. I. Need. A. Break.  Homeschooling can be very hard especially because I am the only one overseeing my kiddos education. All of my teaching weaknesses are apparent and there are no other teachers to pick up the slack where I am not solid. (Unless I choose to pay for a tutor.) I am struggling a lot with that right now. The weight of "what if I screw my kids up with my well intentions?" is sitting on my shoulders weighing me down. I find myself looking straight into my mistakes as a homeschooling mama with some of the bad habits my children have developed. I have no one else but me to blame for these issues.

 Schooling my kids has been no fun these past few months. We are no longer doing the history projects we once were and we are no longer spending part of our Friday's doing an art project that one of the kids picked out. We don't take any trips on our own. We only get together with other homeschooling families maybe two or three times a month. We slough through our assigned lessons day after day after day. I am miserable. I think we are all pretty miserable, actually.

I had a freak out moment last Friday on my poor husband where I told him (or perhaps I was raising my voice slightly?) that I could no longer take it. I was tired of everything about my life and I needed to overhaul every aspect of it because I was going to lose my mind if I did not. He just stared at me and did not really know what to say or how to react.

It doesn't help the situation that on top of this there is some work stuff going on (that I am not allowed to talk about yet per Bob's request) that is stressing me out beyond belief.

Bob and I took the dogs for a walk in the desert this morning and I was able to talk to him about some of my concerns about both home educating our children and also sending them to public school. He provided his input here and there, but he mainly just listened to me as I poured my heart out to him about these things that have been building up in my for a while. It felt good to get a lot of stuff off of my chest. And it was nice to feel that we are still on the same page about almost everything related to homeschooling.

My main frustration is that I am doing way too much book work with my kiddos which is burning me out significantly and not allowing us any opportunities to do very much outside the home. Since the summer these have been the subjects my kids have been working on:

Andy: Algebra, Biology, Rhetoric, Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Spelling, Cursive, Writing, History & Great Books.

Josh: Algebra 1/2, Chemistry, Latin/Greek Roots, Spanish, Latin, Grammar, Writing, Typewriting, History, Logic

Sarah: Braille, Math - Abacus, Writing, Spelling, Latin, Biology & Botany, Logic, History, Grammar

Elizabeth: Math, Botany & Biology, History, Logic, Grammar, Handwriting, Spelling, Latin

Getting through all of this each day with the kids Is.A.Lot. I chose to do so much work with them because I loved the program that the book The Well Trained Mind presented. I thought that it was such a sound program. (And I suppose it still is. It is just not feasible to follow it to a T with 4 children and still be able to have a life outside of book work.)

Bob and I decided that the best thing to do was to talk to the kiddos about my concerns about what was and was not working in our homeschooling. And then to go from there. So, I dropped Bob off at work today and took all 4 kids to a park that has some picnic tables and an open field We sat at one of the picnic tables and all shared our concerns together and came up with a new game plan going forward that I feel very comfortable with. And then we went into the field and played soccer, Red Light Green Light, Sharks & Minnows, Mother May I, and raced each other. It was the first time I have had fun with the kids in a long time. I know that they enjoyed having their mama play with them too.

We have decided to cut everything out except for the basics: Math, Science, History, & Language Arts (Spelling, Grammar, Writing). The boys will pick up Spanish again next fall. The kids want to be able to explore the area around us and also El Paso with weekly or biweekly field trips that just the 5 of us go on. I am completely down with that. They have also asked that we add back in our Friday History projects and art projects because they all liked doing those things so much.

Homeschooling is supposed to be fun. By its very nature it is supposed to allow us the freedom to learn both from books and also from hands on learning experiences. We have gotten completely away from the hands on learning experiences and focused slowly on (kinda boring) book work since last fall and I have paid the price as evidenced by my freak out this past week. Plus, the kids have been spread so thin with all of this subject work (at least the boys have been) that I am not sure if I was doing any good throwing all of that material at them. (I hoped I was & thought I was, but I am not sure in the end if I actually was helping or hurting them.)

I shared my thoughts on getting a job and putting them back in school and all four kids said that they would support me getting a part time job so that I had something that got me out of the house regularly, but only if that meant that they could still be homeschooled. Josh said that the only reason he would ever want to go back to a public school was if we moved to a state that did not allow homeschoolers to participate in public school sports. Andy said that he never wants to go back. Sarah said that she could do either one. She thought there were pros & cons to both staying home and going to public school. Elizabeth said that she was staying home no matter what. In a way, their responses made me feel good because even though I feel like this school year has been a very stressful one and not at all the way I wanted it to go the fact that all four kiddos still want to be home with me despite my blaring failures makes me feel that maybe, just maybe I am still doing something right.

Humbled

I found out today that one of my kids has a teammate that did not get anything for Christmas this year because his family is going through some tough financial times. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about how this boy had to hear most of his friends talk about what they got for Christmas, and more likely, list an overabundance of gifts.

My face stung when I heard this news because I felt like a fraud for ever suggesting that my life can sometimes seem hard to me. Because what do I really know about hardship? Nothing.

I talk about how growing up my parents worked their butts off to provide for my siblings and I and that I know they wish they could have provided more, and I realize that I  lived the childhood of a queen.

I don't know what it means to truly struggle. I know what it is like to perceive that I am struggling, but I don't really know what true struggle is. And I am embarrassed that I have ever projected my life as having any real struggle because in reality, I don't know what that looks like.

I cannot imagine struggling to put food on the table. Or not being able to provide my children with basic necessities. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to worry about paying an electric bill or being kicked out of my home. I cannot imagine sending my children to school hungry, and how much, as a mother that would break my heart.

I was humbled today because poverty was no longer an abstract concept to me. It was no longer something that some distant and unknown people struggle with.  I can now put a face to poverty. I live a life of luxury and hem and haw about my "struggles", but really I am living the life of a queen - and most likely, so are you.

The hard stuff with Sarah is nothing. Bob and I are able to provide medical care for her and we are able to get her the assistance that she needs to lead her a successful life. Sarah lives a life of luxury as do all of my children. And even if sometimes I feel that they are going without, I know what a joke that really is.

I think about how much I struggled with not being able to provide my kids more gifts for Christmas and for staying within a budget. I feel sick to my stomach even complaining about that now knowing that this young man received nothing. Not one thing.

We live in a world with the "have's" and the "have not's" and we are told & made to feel that the "have's" are really "have not's" and that we need to acquire all of these items and all this wealth to be part of the "have" club. This is a lie. We are almost all living a life of "have's" and we know nothing of the  "have not's" struggles. It is a down right shame that I have ever thought my self to be a "have not" in any category of my life.

When I think about that sweet boy and his equally sweet family I wonder how many things they are going without right now that I have no idea about. Those with little rarely make it known just how great their need is. They just go about their business doing the best that they can to make a life and to provide for their children. While people like me, sit in their  homes and complain about how hard life is. What a joke.

What people like me should be doing is helping people like this young man and his family. We all should. That is our job as human beings to take care of one another. Maybe you don't have a lot of money to spend to help out others. What about time? Surely, you have time?

How we spend our moments is how we spend our lives. Remember that. If you take a moment here and there to help someone - either financially or with your time - there is such goodness in the life you will build. Do not ask for anything in return. Rather, ask those you help to pay it forward, and when they are one day in a spot where they can give to someone in need that they do so. 

Moving down to New Mexico has opened my eyes to the plight of the poor and those truly in need. Yes, there were those people back in Ohio too, but I did not see them because they were hidden from my blind eyes. Down here, a city in desert with no where to hide, my eyes have been opened. I am passionate about helping others. And I am passionate about being able to show my children that helping those in need is the greatest gift they can give this world.

It is our job and it is our duty to help others. And the best part is that you feel so good doing so. Giving to others and serving others is God's greatest gift.

The Moments of Our Lives

Life is but a series of moments. It is as simple as that. And those  moments are what make a life. For better or worse this is true. It is easy to remember the big moments. Those moments where you take an amazing vacation or buy your first home or get married or have your children. Those are the moments that we store into our conscious memory.

But what happens to those moments that are filled up with mundane things like cleaning the house or grocery shopping or putting your kid back to bed for the millionth time? I believe that those moments are stored in our subconscious memory. These seemingly insignificant parts our everyday lives - the scenes that seem to be played out over and over again as if we are living a perpetual Groundhog Day movie scene are the ones that a life a built upon. In those moments of ordinariness extraordinary things are happening - we are writing the story of not only our lives, but we are helping to shape the story that each of our children will create in his/her own life.

I have been looking through some old pictures of my children. Most of the pictures are from just a couple of years ago, but they seem as if they were from an era gone by. And in some ways they are. What struck me most as I have been viewing these photos is that it isn't the big grand pictures that one would think would be favorites - birthday pictures, Christmas, vacations, etc... - I am finding myself most drawn to the pictures that capture our every day lives. Pictures of my family taking a hike. Pictures of my kids hanging out by the pool or jumping on the trampoline. Pictures of my kids exploring in a river we used to go to in Ohio. Pictures of them reading books together or completing schoolwork. Pictures of them building with Legos together. THOSE are my favorites. The funny thing is that none of these memories would be recalled if I hadn't taken those pictures because they are stored in my subconscious memory. The photo alone is what pulled the memory out of its hiding place and brought it to the forefront of my mind.

This got me to thinking about how many moments I have not remembered with my kiddos and will never be able to recall again because they were just ordinary and mundane things that I did not photograph. Had I the ability to look back on them now I would be able to cherish them for what they really were: moments of building this wonderful life we have created.

Now I cannot take a picture of every moment in our life. (That is my mom's job - she takes so many pictures it is unreal, BUT I am so thankful she does now because I have those memories to look back on even if I was completely annoyed when she took them.) But I can journal about those moments.

When the new year came around I bought myself a beautiful new journal with this as the cover:

I was drawn to this journal because it made me realize that it is in embracing regularness of life that makes it extraordinary. I am living an extraordinary life, so are you, all because of the regularness of it. I made the decision to journey every day of our lives this year. I wanted to capture the big things that I usually journal about, but I also want to capture  all the little things that make up our days as a family. Because in the end it is those simple regular seemingly ordinary moments that are going to be the ones to touch my heart and soul most deeply when I look back on them in the future. It is those moments that are most important  because it will show me all the pieces that went into the making of not only my life story, but my children's as well.

In order to do this everyday, usually twice a day, I will steal away from the kids and just write down what has happened so far that day. I include concerns and bigger problems too, but mostly I just write about the small details of our life. I find the whole experience very therapeutic as well. Believe it or not, there is quite a bit that I do not share on this blog and by being committed to journaling everyday I am also getting stuff off of my chest that would otherwise sit in the pit of my stomach brewing until I exploded on someone (usually my poor husband).

I have no doubt that I will fill this journal before the year is out. In addition to writing out all of the details of our day I also include three things that I am thankful for from that day. Some days are filled with beautiful and poetic "thankfuls". (This is the word we use in our house to describe all that we are thankful for.) Other days this year (and the year is so young!) have been filled with less poetic things such as: I am thankful I made it through the day. Because that is what life is like, right? It is the beautiful and the mundane all mixed together creating our beautiful, unique, one of a kind life stories.

The Compliment of Being Someone's Home

I have received a good number of compliments in my life about various things. I appreciate them all, but two of them stand out above the rest and they were said to me by my children who didn't even know the value of the words they were saying and how much they would mean to me.

Both compliments were actually one in the same. They were from Josh and Sarah and the compliments came about like this:

Josh was at a soccer tournament in Tuscon, AZ this past fall. He was rooming with his dad, Sarah, and a teammate and was away for the entire weekend. Normally, I do not bring my cell phone into my bedroom at night. I like to leave it by the computer or on the dining room table, but this particular night for reasons still unknown, I placed my cell phone on my nightstand. In the middle of night I received a text from Josh. He was letting me know that he was homesick and that he wanted to come home. He told me that he needed me and that he did not feel well. In the course of our conversation I managed to get him calmed down and just spent some time going back and forth with him via text until he felt that he could go back to sleep. In the end very end of the text he thanked me and told me that he loved me. I cried. Josh does not tell people that he loves them. He doesn't like to hug people and he definitely doesn't like to kiss people. It is just who he is. He isn't open and warm and fuzzy. He shows his love in other ways, and those who know him best know this and accept this as a part of who he is. The fact that he was so open with me was awesome. It is nice to hear the words that you are loved even when you know deep down you are.

The second situation was when we were visiting Ohio back in December. Sarah had an opportunity to spend the night at a friend's house. Even though she loves this family very much she hadn't been away from me or Bob overnight since we have moved to New Mexico. (We have each been away from home on separate occasions, but Sarah has always been with one parent at night here at the house.) Again, in the middle of the night, I got a call (that I did not hear this time) from a wee little voice that said that she was homesick and that she couldn't sleep and needed me. (She eventually got to sleep with the help of her friends mom.)

In those two situations it became clear to me that I am my kids home. When they are feeling lonely or sad or scared it is me who can comfort them best. It is me that they want more than anyone else in this whole wide world. It is their mama who has the magical touch that leaves the essence of home etched into their being. Isn't that an awesome compliment? Home is where we are most comfortable. Home is where we feel loved. Home is where we feel safe. Home is where we feel secure. In the dark of night, that is what my two kids were telling me - I am their safety net, security, & comfort. Where ever I am is home to them. The very nature of me being their mom is what makes them feel home. Despite all of my mistakes and hang ups my kids (at least two of them) in their times of uncertainty and worry believe that I am the one who can give them the most comfort. That just amazes me.

It makes me feel like I am doing something right. And it also makes me feel so utterly privileged. I am so, so, so blessed that I was allowed to have these four beings bestowed under my care for the time being to grow them and nurture them and love them. I thought the title of Mom was the best gift ever - I now feel differently - knowing that I am "Home" is an even higher honor. There is no greater compliment. And for that I am truly grateful.

Some of My Favorites From 2011 & 2012

Bob has our computer set up so that right before our computer goes into sleep mode it will flash the pictures that we have uploaded onto our computer over the years. I have caught myself on several ocassions mesmorized by these flashing memories of times gone by. 

My kids look so little to me in most of these pictures. Our life in Ohio seems a million years ago, but brings back such good memories. It also makes me realize how at some point in a few years I will look back on the pictures that Bob and I take today and it will seem as if my kids were so small now as compared to their future selves.

We really only have such a short while with our kiddos. I reflect on this often especially now as I contemplate on the size of our current family.  While very intense, this time with our kids is so short. It may seem hard to believe if you are in the throws of toddlerhood and babyhood, but trust me, it really does fly by. 

Enjoy your kid(s) every day because some day (much sooner than you think or wish) they will be big. And there is no turning back on that. 

Sarah on her 7th birthday. December 1, 2011

Deep in thought and concentration. She still has this ceramic cookie jar in her room.

He looks so little!!! Andy was so excited because he got the whole set of Lego Alien Conquest from Santa. Christmas 2011.

And this kid! Where has this little boy gone?! Josh got Philip Johnny Bob (his stuffed elephant) this Christmas as well as Madden - among other things. (He still keeps a collection of his most sacred stuffed animals in his room.)

Who is this little girl? Can you see the mischievous look in her eye though? I swear she was born with that look. 

Minus the red devil eyes this little girl has grown so much. Those baby blue eyes and toothless smile just kill me. 

D-I-V-A in training. 

What a cutie! St. Patrick's Day Parade in Cleveland 2012.

Easter 2012. I love how my girls are snuggling together. I forget that they were pals even back then.

Seriously, how much more beautiful can you get? May 2012.

For a while Andy would bring his snake books everywhere with him. We are at his birthday dinner May 2012. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of us. 

Camping summer of 2012.

My nature guy. Andy has always loved nature. We found a turtle on the path we were walking on. Summer of 2012.

Looking back - how could you not fall in love with this kid? She has style and sass even back then.

Pumped after watching a Cleveland Brown's exhibition game. Late summer /fall 2012

Watching his sibling play soccer.  Fall 2012

Rocking it out at a Halloween party. 

Halloween 2012

Christmas 2012

Christmas 2012.

The Sounds of a Silent House

Bob took the kids and dogs to a local park. I am home alone. This is a rare thing for me and the quiet is astounding. I can hear the hum of the house as it heats the square footage of the home. I can hear a car or two pass by down the street. I can hear the buzzing in my ears as I sit on the couch and relish the calm & quiet a house occupied by one invites.

I appreciate the silence more though because it makes me realize just how much I love the chaos and the noise that two dogs and 4 kids bring. The constant chatter among children and clicking of dog feet on the floor. The pounding of a soccer ball against the wall or the building of Lego houses are all a part of my daily life. The silence that fills up this home right now brings me peace, but it is also a reminder that all too soon the silence will be my everyday normal.

A part of me feels like an old woman. Having been a mother for fifteen and a half years at the ripe old age of 36 makes me feel ancient some days. Yet other times I realize that a lot of our friends are just in the beginning stages of growing families and that I, too, could be doing the same thing.

I know that the silence is bound to come. It is part of the natural progression of life. But I am not sure that I am ready for it to come as quickly as it is going to with children ages 15, 13, 11, & 9. I have had my tubes untied (well, only 1 could be put back together so I guess I should say I have had my tube untied) for two and a half years now and I have no new babies in my house, and I am not quite sure I have the energy for a newborn or a toddler. So, does this mean that our family is meant to be complete even if I don't feel like it is in my heart?

If my body is not able to conceive anymore due to my own (foolish) doings many years ago with the birth of Elizabeth and the subsequent tubal ligation that came while they were pulling her out of me perhaps we are meant to expand our family in other ways?

What about adoption? Surely, Bob and I could offer a child or two an amazing home with amazing siblings, couldn't we? I do not have thousands of dollars tucked away to be able to afford an adoption other than doing so through the foster care system and I have no idea what that looks like in other states. I am in the beginning stages of doing research in New Mexico and I don't think that we will be living here long enough for us to be able to get certified as foster parents and then to adopt a child(ren)  even though I have been told the state has so many children that need forever homes.

I have told Bob about my desire to look into this option in a brief conversation. I am not sure he realizes how much this idea has taken root in my heart especially now that I know that we will be financially secure enough to take on such a challenge as time goes on. I don't even know if this is an option that will even pan out, but it is an idea that has caught fire in my heart and it just won't die out.
 If I am being honest with myself I envision adopting a pair of siblings that are out of the toddler stages, say 4+ years old. 

Bob and I are far along enough on this parenting journey to be much wiser than we were in our younger years. We make a great team, and could really offer a pair of siblings an opportunity to stay together while growing up with a security and love they might not have ever experienced otherwise.

Life is so short. I know that there are those out there who would say that I am just trying to add more children to our household to avoid that inevitable silence that will come as children grow.  I cannot disagree more. I will welcome the silence when it is meant to be in my life on a regular basis. I just know in my heart that there are two little people out there in the universe (whether my own biologically or my own through choice) who are meant to grow and learn with Bob and I as their parents.

I am excited to see how this fire in my heart plays out. Maybe nothing will come of it. Maybe something will. All I know is that the future will definitely be interesting...farmer? adoptive mother? foster parent? It is all up in the air. I am curious to see what the next few chapters of my life look like. For now, though, I am going to enjoy the rest of the silence that I have left before the chaos and noise of two dogs and four children enter into this place we all call home.

A Heart of Gold

You see this girl over here to our left? The one with the wild look on her face? My free spirit. The one that I am usually writing about on this space about her latest attempt to exasperate me  and unhinge me? Yep - that would my Elizabeth. Elizabeth has been said to be many things in this sacred space of mine. And it is true that she is indeed all that I have written about - and then some. But I haven't told you one thing that I should have told you from the start about her. Elizabeth has a heart of gold. I often overlook that very important part about her because I am so busy trying to figure out just how to bring her from childhood into adulthood without losing my sanity and without her being arrested for some wild and zany thing she has done. That in and of itself seems like a full time job most days. But something happened the other day and it brought the size of her heart front and center and it made me look at her in a different light.

You see, I taken the girls to Target to spend some of the gift cards that they received for Christmas. Sarah knew exactly what she wanted as she has been eyeing the item (well, you know what I mean) for quite some time. When we got into the store we went to the toy department and found the section where Target keeps its version of American Girl accessories. Sarah picked out the Our Generation trailer that she had been hoping to get, but was bummed to realize that she did not have enough for the jeep that pulls the trailer.  Determined to still get the trailer she vowed that she would save her allowances until she had enough money to buy the jeep. Elizabeth had gone to Target to purchase some Legos. She absolutely loves Legos and was eyeing a particular set to match one that she had gotten for Christmas. As Sarah and Elizabeth were picking out their toys they were talking back and forth between one another. Sarah expressed her disappointment at not being able to get the jeep, but explained to Elizabeth that she would pick it up as soon as she had saved enough money for it. Elizabeth told Sarah this was a good idea as it would allow her to eventually have both of the items that she really wanted.

After the girls had their items in their hands and we were heading to checkout counter Elizabeth told me that she needed to switch something out and she would meet up with Sarah and me. Not thinking anything of it I told her that was fine. When Elizabeth caught up to us she put her fingers up to her lips to let me know that she wanted her purchase to be kept a secret. What she had done was exchanged the Legos that she had been hoping to get and instead purchased the Jeep so that Sarah would be able to have both to use. When we got to the car Sarah asked Elizabeth what she needed to go back to the toy department for. It was then that Elizabeth put the purchase in Sarah's lap to let her feel what she had bought for Sarah. "Surprise!", she yelled to Sarah with the biggest grin on her face. Sarah was beyond thrilled. My heart swelled that day with love towards my daughter and her selfless act. She was so happy to do this for Sarah. She loved seeing the smile on Sarah's face. It dawned on me that afternoon that this wasn't the first time that Elizabeth has given so selflessly and it certainly won't be the last.

She is the first person to empty her wallet for the Salvation Army at Christmas time. She is the first person to share any treat that she gets. She is the first person to see something and ask to buy it for another person because she just knows that they will love it. (What 'it' happens to be that we see.)

Elizabeth may be a lot of things. She is stubborn and strong-willed and unique and challenging and on and on. But she is also generous and loving and has a heart of gold. To be 9 years old and as selfless as she is is amazing. I am one proud mama.

Mutiny

My kids are threatening mutiny if I don't relent on some of my new food restrictions and I must admit that perhaps I was a bit overzealous in my initial go at changing our diet. I jump into the deep water of anything I am attempting to do even if wading into it is a better avenue to take.  I seem to only have a stop and fast forward button with no slow motion speeds. It is part of my charm (wink, wink) except if you are on of  my children and then it is part of my mania. Either way, my kids have called me out on my insanity and I realize that I must relent and slow down on this new path we are going down.

But that doesn't mean that things are going back to the way they were before. Because they aren't.

Have you seen that new Oprah commercial? The one where she has partnered with Weight Watchers in which she talks about how every past stop and go, success and failure, triumph and trajedy has led to this moment? I believe in that wholeheartedly. When I first saw the commercial, before Oprah even opened her mouth to speak, I was rolling my eyes about another round of Oprah trying to lose weight. (Because I know nothing about repeated attempts at losing weight. Insert sarcasm.) As I listened to Oprah talk about each moment in life is leading up to the one we are living now I found forgiveness and self acceptance in those words. (This may seem completely silly that a commercial could point out something so obvious to the rest of the world, but I tend to be a slow learner sometimes.) I have been thinking repeatedly about that commercial and my own journey right now in trying to get things "right" in this house as it pertains to food.

If I am being completely honest with myself I began this journey because I am scared. And when I get scared I get desperate. When I get desperate I make rash decisions that I might not normally make (or maybe I would) in times when I am more calm and rational (which, although rare, does actually exist in my world). You see, I am so scared that Sarah's new leg issue is going to eventually lead to her inability to use her legs which will mean life in a wheelchair. And my deepest fear is that after being wheelchair bound she will lose her bladder function and then her ability to breathe on her own and that her life will be taken from her. (I cannot even type those words without tears welling up in my eyes, a tightness in my chest, and that feeling of absolute rage gurgling in the deepest recesses of my being.) I think about those things in times like these because my first and usual reaction is that these things will never happen to Sarah. That she will live to be an old woman just like she imagines teaching blind children as she now would like to make her adult profession.  But then I also remember that I never in a million years thought that she would be blind. Never in a million years did I imagine that her vision would have been taken from her so swiftly. So, yes, my does wander every-so-often to those things that we never imagine happening, especially to our children, because nightmares do come true.  Because this disease has been so severe and fast acting on her vision it is generally known that it will be fast acting and swift in its debilitation of other bodily function failures (should she have any). Her calf numbness is getting worse (as she informed me yesterday) and the only thing that I have left in my control is food and exercise. When I feel like I am losing control over one area of life I tend to try and overcompensate for it in other areas. Thus our complete diet overhaul.

This past week hasn't been without some major successes despite the outward appearance of absolute failure. I have realized just how far off the healthy food path we have gotten. I see now how much I have relied on things in a box and can to get our meals on the table. And how dairy and wheat heavy our diet has been. Seeing these things has been very good for me. It has helped me to get some clarity on where I would like us to go in the future.

So, what we will do now is this: we will eat a diet abundant in a variety of things. I am still going to limit dairy because I am still suspect of it. I am also going to limit our wheat, but only because I want to expose the kids to other types of grains. When we do eat wheat it will be the whole wheat variety. I am going to try my hand at making whole wheat bread as I do not trust bread companies to make my bread and I need something to fall back on for lunches once or twice a week. Our diet will focus mostly on plants just as Michael Pollan suggests, but we will be eating (or at least I will be serving) fish, chicken, turkey, & beef on a rotating schedule. I am going to try and make as much of our food as possible from scratch. For snacks in this house we will have nuts, seeds, air popped popcorn, granola (I need to find a good recipe for this.), fruits, hummus, salsa, and veggies. The kids are all on board with this as it means they can have pancakes once a week (albeit whole wheat) and they won't have to drink smoothies every day. I can rest easier because I won't be so worried about completely cutting out more than one food group. I know there will still be growing pains. Elizabeth especially has a knack for all things junk, but it will a good change for all of us. And it will be a more manageable change too.

As for Sarah, I do not know what her future holds. That is in God's hands. I do know that I will do the very best that I can to make the best decisions for not only her, but for all who reside within the walls of our home. No matter what the outcome I know that all of the decisions that I have made pertaining to her well being have been the best ones that I could have made (and will make in the future) at that specific point in time. And no matter how hard that is for me to be okay with I will need to make it so because there is truly nothing else I can do.

Trading One For the Other?

It should come as no surprise when I tell you that I have been thinking a lot about food lately. I have read all different viewpoints on what to eat and what not to eat in order to gain what I hoped would be a balanced perspective on diet. I feel the (self -imposed)  pressure even more because of Sarah. I desperately want to make her well. I would do anything do to so. Sometimes when we act in desperation we make rash and unwise decisions. I need to be careful of that right now. Instead of looking for the fountain of youth I feel like I am trying to find "the fountain of health" in order to not only make Sarah well, but to also make sure that none of my other children ever face the struggles a person with a chronic illness faces. I have gone down the avenue of medication with Sarah with little success. I have brought her to the land of enchantment in hopes that some vitamin D would replenish her body and help her to feel better since so many with autoimmune diseases struggle with a vitamin D deficiency. And none of those things has really worked. And so I turn my focus back to one of the only things left to explore: food. Except food is no longer simple. What used to be common knowledge as to what we should be eating is now a jumbled up mess of one study verse another about what foods are the ones we should really be eating. Each study coming up with findings that are the exact opposite from one another. And it confuses the hell out of all of us while also pitting us against one another as we each believe we have found the right elixir that will make us all well.

I chose to eliminate dairy and gluten from our diet because book after book I read (from all different authors who suggest all different types of diets) suggested that those two food groups would lead me to "the fountain of health" that I am so desperately seeking. Except that I really have no idea what I am doing AND I have no idea if those authors are just bullshi^^ing me because they too have been bamboozled by the latest "scientific study". The only things I am certain of right now is that I am  making my children miserable. (Andy said that he was going to pack a bag and go live with the Boormans because they would feed him real food.) My children (and Bob and myself) should not feel like we are starving all of the time. I do realize that it is going to take me some time to come up with some new recipes and ways of cooking as we primarily relied on dairy and wheat prior to making this dietary change, so I am not throwing in the towel, but I also think I need to very carefully examine my motives for removing these food groups from our diet.

If I am going to remove gluten, but still make baked goods and use, let's say almond flour, over and over again in my recipes how good is that really? Yes, I am no longer feeding my children an overabundance of gluten, but I am now feeding them an overabundance of almond flour. Am I trading one food item for another in a way that will make us sick despite my efforts to try and make us healthy? Is that the American paradigm? Are we trading off one bad food item for another in search of health only to make ourselves sicker with the new food replacement? Too much of anything isn't a good thing no matter what that item is. 

Maybe instead of focusing on trading one packaged item (or in this case bagged) I should be focusing on not using items that come from a bag or a box at all. Maybe I should focus on eating a variety of items that would include all sorts of fruits, veggies, grains, legumes, meats,fish, and dairy. Maybe by eating quinoa, millet, brown rice, and whole wheat  twice a month I will be doing our family more justice than by eating whole wheat or brown rice (which is what I see most of the gluten free pastas being made from) three times a week. Maybe it would be better do focus mostly on plants, as Michael Pollan suggests, but also incorporate a wide variety of items and exclude nothing? Or maybe I am better to just walk down the path that I am on because most of my kids do have some type of intolerance to dairy/gluten? Or maybe I just want to do what everyone seems to be doing because it is the hip thing to do.

Or maybe it is a matter of finding the most clean and original types of food and eating a variety of those? Maybe there is a type of wheat that doesn't have as much gluten in it as other types of wheat? Maybe it is a matter of committing to not buying items in boxes and cans and if it cannot be made then it shouldn't be eaten?

 I don't have any answers right now. In fact I think I am more confused now than I was before I started this whole inquisition - which I hardly would have thought possible.  I just know that I am super frustrated that food has gotten so darn complicated.

All of this just points to another reason I should just go buy some land next time we move, raise some chickens, a cow, with some fruits trees and bushes and grow a huge vegetable garden. Maybe instead of depending on some unknown farmer (or corporation) to supply my food maybe the only way to feed my family a healthy diet is to do it all myself. Maybe the idea of becoming a farmer isn't so far fetched after all.

A Dinner Conversation

The kids and I were sitting at dinner tonight just talking about how long we would like to live if given the choice. I told the kids that I was gonna live to be 107 years old because when I was 7 I saw the Statue of Liberty's 200th birthday and I promised myself right then and there that I was going to see her 300th birthday. (I was sitting in my grandparents living room when I made this solemn vow to myself - in case you were wondering.) As we sat around talking about how old the kids will be when I am 107 years old Andy asked Sarah if she had the choice between living to be 70 or taking a pill right now so that she could see, but it would cost her 5 years of her life which would she choose? 

I assumed that she would take the 5 year life span cut (most likely because that is what I would have chosen if in her shoes), but I was mistaken when she answered, without hesitation, that she would rather to live to be 70. Even if it meant that she would never ever be able to see again. 

It is nice to know that despite the drawbacks to being blind and the struggles that MS/NMO present her with that Sarah still realizes that her life has amazing value. And that she plans on living to be an old woman. I take comfort in that. 

Little Victories

I had planned on writing a blog today about how I have no idea why I am trying to change our diet. Yesterday it felt like I was pulling teeth to get the kids to try the snacks that Sarah and I had made. (If you are wondering we made granola and applesauce - which were both delicious.) Then at dinner last night, Andy would not try the lentil soup I made and neither would Elizabeth which made them hungry campers since I only provided lentil soup and salad as a meal option. This morning we had a smoothie for breakfast followed by more complaining. I was beginning to feel desperate. I was wondering what on earth I was trying to do. I mean, who am I to try and change things from the mainstream? Why am I trying to go against the grain with our diet. Life would be so much easier if I just continued down the path of the Standard American Diet. (Is it a coincidence that the initials of the way we eat in this country spells the word 'SAD' - I think not.) My kids are just going to eat crap food when they are out of my house, so why on earth am I going to battle with them to try and change our diets inside this house? On and on my thoughts went like this all last night and into today. I finally remembered to say a quick little prayer and asked God to help me through these tough moments.

A while after my prayer a thought popped into my head. Yes, my kids are unhappy with the snack options and meal options right now, but there IS food in this house. Just not chips and cheese and crackers and an assortment of other junk food. We have granola, applesauce, fruit, veggies, salsa, walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds, & popcorn. Are they the food options my kids would prefer right now? Nope. Not on your life. BUT are they the foods that my kids will eat if they get hungry enough in between meals? You can bet your life on it. So, if they aren't hungry enough to eat an apple then they really aren't that hungry.

As I was mentally walking myself through the above thoughts I began to prepare dinner. I bought my first whole chicken (in order to be able to save money on our grocery budget) and cooked it tonight (in the crock-pot to boot! Who knew?!) fully expecting the kids to complain and kvetch through the whole dinner. I also made Yukon gold potatoes (partially boiled and then roasted with a drizzle of olive oil and pepper), Brussels sprouts and a large salad completed our meal. I was waiting for the complaining to start, and it never happened!  All of the kids ate the salad (which wasn't too big of a surprise) and some of them tried the Brussels sprouts (Josh loves them). Everyone (except Josh) tried and ate all of their potatoes AND every single child of mine had seconds of the chicken because they liked it so much!!!! Victory for mom!

Everyone walked away from the table with a belly full of food. No one was hungry and everyone got the point that I am not trying to kill them, and that we will find foods that everyone finds appealing even while trying to avoid dairy and gluten. (Although I read through parts of two books today that advocated raw unpasteurized, homogenized milk. We also know of a family that advocates this type of milk very much. So, I may need to look into that. For now, we will remain dairy free.)

I was thankful to God that I received the pick-me-up that I needed tonight at dinner. Changing our diet  is really, really hard. I know that there are going to be a million more times where I want to throw in the towel, but it's little victories like today that make all of the trouble worth it.

Some Good Advice

I love Michael Pollan. I have two of his books and just took out a third this weekend from the library. After reading In Defense of Foods this weekend I pulled out my trusty copy of Food Rules and began to reread it. I was not disappointed. In fact, it has helped me through some of the struggles that I am facing in regards to changing our diet. Here are some of Michael Pollan's best pieces of advice: