Adding a New Element

I am going to put this blog on hold until next week because we have a realtor coming to look at our house on Friday. If the conditions are favorable, we are thinking of putting it on the market. I will be spending the next couple of days getting some loose ends together, so that I don't have to worry on Friday about this and that.


I have decided to go in a new direction with my blog (I will still include some of the old style posts about the kids and things). I am a bit of a rare bird in my community, and several people have approached me with questions about how I do certain things. For example: I am a vegan, I am a stay at home mom, I make my own cleaning products, I have a Family Management Book, I make my own pizza crust, bread (both sandwich and dinner), breakfast items, snacks, etc...from scratch. Now, I know that I am not the only person in the world, nor even my community that does this, but I am one of the only people in my circle of friends that does this kind of a thing, and I thought that I would share my recipes and tips on how I do things. I know that some people would love to incorporate some of what I do into their lives they are just not sure how to get started. So, stay tuned for next week.

Happy rest of your week, and weekend!

Food for Thought

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How you spend your moments is how you spend your life.

 

 

 

A Delicate Balance

I have been feeling a little out of sorts again lately. I haven't been sleeping well, eating well, nor exercising. I haven't been taking time each day to journal or read or any of the other things I like to do to "sharpen the saw" (as Stephen Covey would say). I have been irritable and withdrawn and I can feel that I have built a stone wall around my heart again blocking both my husband and children out.

I finally dragged myself, kicking and screaming, through a workout video this morning. I haven't exercised in about 5 weeks.  So, there I was this morning huffing and puffing, sweating and swearing all the while I was willing myself through this 30 minute video. I made it - just barely - but I made it none-the-less. And as always, I feel awesome now. Like stand on top of a mountain and scream to the world, "I just made it through a really hard workout video that I didn't think I could make it through! Oh, Yeah!". Do you ever feel that way? Working out feels really, really good, doesn't it? It feels empowering - how many other things do we let our brains tell us we cannot do - that we really can do if we put our minds to it?

knowyourmeme.com 

So, this got me to thinking (surprise, surprise) about how delicately balanced my life is, and needs to be in order to feel at peace within. How one minor change or adjustment will change the course of so many things in my life. Kind of like the Butterfly Effect. If I do not respect this delicate balance then my whole life gets thrown off course ever so slightly. What may seem like a trivial thing - like journaling for example - is really important to the psyche of my life. I shouldn't be so flippant about it, and think -"Oh, no big deal if I cannot journal today. I'll just get to it tomorrow." The thing is that "tomorrow" something else pops up making it easy for me to push aside that important part of my life yet again. There are several things in my life that I push aside regularly that I shouldn't because even though each may appear as just a small part of it that can be set aside the reality is that those small things collectively create a big part of my life. A part of my life that when not tended to makes the other parts of my life - the really important parts like being a mother and wife off kilter.

Each of us knows deep inside what it takes to allow us to feel that hum inside ourselves when we KNOW with absolute certainty that we are living authentically. That we are living EXACTLY the way we were meant to. When I have those moments in my life - I feel like I could conquer the world. I feel like the best mother to my children, the best wife to my husband, the best friend to myself. (Not perfect - because to me being perfect is not authentic). I feel great! I think you do too. It is those days when we have a smile on our faces just because we want to. When, even though the minor details of our lives aren't going the way we planned, we still feel great. When we have the patience to deal with minor setbacks with grace and dignity. When we feel unstoppable.

When I tend to the small, but important things in my life I find that I am more open to those around me, and the wall that I build up around my heart time and time again is taken down stone by stone. So today, I am not going to worry about the housework that needs to be done. I am going to instead focus on getting myself back on track. I am going to read, and eat well, and exercise, and journal, and do the things that nourish my soul. Oh, I know there will be days when I feel like I don't want to do any of those things for myself -maybe I will want to hit the snooze button one more time. It is those days though that I need to remember that if I cannot nourish my soul for myself then I need to do it for my kids. It is not fair to them that they only get a partially good mama. They deserve a really good mama - who shows them by example how very important it is to nourish ones body and soul.

Beginning the Teenage Years

My oldest, Andy, is twelve and a half. I can tell that he is slowly changing - not just physically, but emotionally as well. I have noticed him trying to figure things out, thinking about big picture idea's, asking questions about "grown up" concepts, and questioning the value of current relationships to him as both new  and old friends  each go on their own journey towards adulthood.

Some of the changes I have seen don't surprise me on bit. Others I was not quite prepared for. I am grateful that I have worked for the last couple of years on being open with my kids, and allowing them to feel comfortable to come to me about any situation they would like to bring to my attention because that foundation will be very useful during these turbulent teenage years. Sometimes I wonder if some of the choices I make as a parent are really going to pay off in the end - being available to them for anything is going to pay off in a big way I can tell already.

I know that at his core, Andy will remain very much the same. It is just the details of himself that will change. He will no longer be "my Andyman", but rather just Andy - a person truly distinct and apart from me. On the one hand I am grateful that I get to walk near him on this journey towards adulthood, and to lend him a helping hand when he needs it. But I now see that I no longer can walk beside him because now is the time in his life when he needs work stuff out on his own. It is time for him to see if the foundation that Bob and I helped him build will support the structure that he will make on his own to create his own life. I hope that we have done him justice.

On the other hand, I am so very sad. You see, when we become parents, when I became a parent anyway, I thought that I would have my children as my own for many, many, many years, but really that is not the case. I have my children as my own for just a short while, and then they become teenagers and they want to spread their wings and figure things out for themselves. At this point they are no longer my babies - they are each becoming their own people - as they have been from the moment they were all born. They no longer need me as much, and rightfully so. But it doesn't make it any less easier for me. I wonder if Andy is going to be my hardest to let go because he is my oldest and my first child to go through this stage in life. I feel both heartbroken and pure joy. I am heartbroken because if I could, I would keep all of my children with me always. I admire them and love them all in a way that I cannot explain. I am so very joyful because I believe that my children are not my possessions, but gifts that have come from the Universe through me to the world. I cannot wait to see how each of children grows and leaves their imprint on those around them. How they each change the world.

I will let Andy go - I will allow him the space to grow, and become the beautiful, wonderful young man that I know he is destined to become, but I will always be there in the wings cheering him on all the way. I will let him fall because that too, is a part of life, but I will ALWAYS be there for him to support him in any way that will help on this journey called Life.

Opportunity Cost

A long time ago  Bob and I were having a discussion about whether or not we would be willing to relocate if his present employer asked us to. We weighed the pros and cons, and still came up undecided. When I asked Bob what was holding him back from telling his employer that he was indeed mobile he simply said, "Opportunity Cost". At that time, I had no idea what this phrase meant, but he kindly explained the concept to me, and now it is something that I cannot get out of my mind. You see, an opportunity cost is all of the things that you give up - family, friends, your current community - when you move away from your current location. It is all of those things that you cannot take with you when you leave a place behind.

Since last December when we told Bob's employer that we were mobile I have always kept the thoughts of the opportunity cost in the back of my mind. I always told myself that if I found a great community here then I could find a great community somewhere else too. That is true - I could find a good, even a great, community somewhere else, but it also wouldn't be THIS community. Josh has a wonderful group of buddies that he has been friends with and played sports with for quite some time. There are about 8 or 9 families in this group, and all of us have children around the same age. His friends are all really good kids who have also included Andy in their fold, and now sometimes some of the boys will ask to see if Josh AND Andy can hang out. Almost all of the boys have younger sisters that are my girls age, and they too have become good friends over time. I have grown to love this group of boys, and all of the families that make up our "Soccer Family" gang. (All of the boys play on the same soccer team, and have for the last 4+ years.)

Being the second half of winter - the boys are currently playing indoor soccer as they have every winter for a number of years. As they were playing this past Saturday my heart grew sad because THIS is what I would be giving up if we left for somewhere else. I would be giving up the chest bumps that Josh gave his teammate who scored 3 amazing goals. I would be giving up watching his team cheer him on as HE scored two great goals. I would be giving up hearing our cheering section support each boy on the field as if he was their own. I would be giving up picnics and parties and memories made with a good group of people. My children, who are growing ever more entrenched in this community, are creating more and more memories and growing more and more roots. Is it fair for Bob and I to uproot them? Would their roots be able to take hold in another town in another state? Or would we damage them too much blinded by our own desire to provide them with more - more space in our home, more money for better vacations (or even A vacation), more money to be able to provide tangible assets. Doesn't that sound a little bit contradictory to EVERYTHING I am trying to teach my kids? To everything that I write about on this blog?

And that doesn't even include leaving our family! Does it seem to make sense that I am constantly preaching family first, and yet - I have been willing to jump at any opportunity that came along, like a damn nut - just to climb 1 more rung on what society has labeled the "success ladder"? That it took a friends nudging to see that I was being an ass reaching for something that CLEARLY the Universe was trying to keep out of my hands because the opportunity was not the right one for our family? What does that say about me as a person, a mother, a daughter  a friend - that I am willing to take away my children and myself and my husband - who so many people love and adore - just so that I (although I should say 'we' b/c Bob is equally a part of this too) can afford the finer things in life? I don't have the answers to those questions right now. I know that some would argue that trying to create a better life for my family is not wrong - and I would agree with that. I would also agree though, that there is a time and a place for everything, and that maybe I am meant to stay here and raise my children in this community with their family surrounding them and supporting them. My family would do anything for my children. I have a sister whom I love so very much and a nephew and a niece who hold a such a special place in my heart. My sister is Elizabeth's best friend (as she lets me know from time to time) - who am I to take those very important people in my children's life and make them, at best, part time fixtures in their lives? How many memories will I be giving up creating with my family because I will be too far away to participate in those day-to-day activities.

I just don't know what the right answer is anymore. I think that when  an opportunity presents itself that would require us to move out of the state - it will feel right in our hearts. It won't be something that we will have to talk ourselves into, like some of the opportunities we have chosen in the past (ahem...our current situation?). It will just present itself when we are least expecting it and we will know that it is the right opportunity not only for Bob and I, but for all of us.

I do think that there are some pros to leaving that cannot be overlooked. Job security is a big deal to us since I stay home with our children, and hope to do so for the foreseeable future. I want Bob to enjoy what he does and to be stimulated and challenged by his work. That doesn't happen if you stay in the same job doing the same thing year after year after year. I think that it would be pretty neat to expose my children to different parts of this country. Even though this is one big United States the different sections of our country couldn't be more different. I would like to allow them the opportunity to see and enjoy different cultures and ways of life. I would like to be able to provide a solid future for my kids - one in which they do not have thousands and thousands of dollars of student loan debt just so that they can get a college degree. I want to be able to take care of my parents. I want to be able to take them to all of the places they love - Cape Cod, the Grand Canyon - so that they can enjoy this life too. They have worked so hard all of their lives - I want them to be able to see the fruit of that labor. I would like to help provide them with some of that fruit sooner rather than later, so that they can enjoy it as much as they can.

I just have to have faith that the answers I am seeking will come. I have to be open to receiving them in whatever form they arrive for if I am keeping my eyes pointed in only one direction - the answers could have passed me by time and time again just outside my vision. Sometimes, I believe, that the answers we seek are in the places we are least likely to look or be open to receiving. I better start living with my arms wide open, so that I may catch all that the Universe has been trying to show me.

The Gift of Gratitude

 

 

 

 

I am currently reading a book called, 'Simple Abundance', by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It is a year long journey in which a daily passage is read that focuses on one aspect of life. There are 6 aspects that she focuses on the first one being gratitude. This book could not have helped me at a better time. I know that I have been worried about so much lately, but I am going to try and focus on what I DO have in my life right now. I have so much to be thankful for, and it is time that I start focusing on that. I am hoping that by starting a gratitude journal and jotting down 5 things that I am grateful for each night I can help to take my mind off all of the uncertainties of my future.

 

 

 

 

 

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

Whoring Ourselves Out

THAT got your attention now didn't it? Let me explain...

I was talking to a dear, dear friend today. The kind of friend that you know you can pick up the phone and talk to her for just a couple of minutes or hours on end after not having talked to her for weeks or months, and it seems just like you spoke with each other an hour ago. The kind of friend that just gets you - all of you - even the parts of yourself that  you don't quite get yet. She is the kind of friend that will see you through the pits of hell, not by pulling you through, but by walking side by side with you allowing you to work through your own struggles and demons and troubles all the while offering the support you so desperately need. She is the friend that shares in your joys as they were her own. She is the rare gem that you only find but a handful of times in your life, and you treasure her friendship with all your heart.  She is THAT kind of friend to me.

I was on the phone with this friend today explaining that I am not sure what our future looks like, and how frustrated that I am because I just want to know. I want all of our hard work to pay off. All of the education, work experience etc...to pay off somehow. She mentioned to me that maybe I needed to stop reaching for further success for my family, and to just allow it to come to me (still work hard, but not grasp at straws). So, instead of taking a new job opportunity for the sake of taking it to actually look to see if it will really benefit our family. I took her words to heart and realized that we are so anxious to get to that next level of "success" that we would essentially whore ourselves out and consider going somewhere that is maybe, too far from our extended family or in a part of the country we are not particularly interested in living at just to get one more rung higher on the ladder of success. We need to quit doing that. Like NOW.

The right opportunity WILL come along. I know it. BUT it has to suit our immediate family, and not sacrifice any of what we are trying to teach our children. After all, family first. Always.

Randomness

Elizabeth asked if she could put make up on my face this morning. I told her that if she got completely ready for school that she could. This is her masterpiece:

Looking pretty good - I know. 

Lipstick on teeth and all - courtesy of Ms. Elizabeth

Artist (with "fashion" glasses)  and Client

When I uploaded photo's this morning. I saw that Sarah had taken some "self portraits". I love pictures because they capture her sense of humor.  (She, by the way, has the prettiest blue eyes I have ever seen.)

It's here...basketball season! This will be the last season that the boys get to be on the same team (unless they both play together again in high school). I love watching them play sports, but I think that basketball is unique because they both get to play on the same team (every other year anyway), and they play SO well together. Watching them play sports is one of my favorite things to do. It is nice because my father-in-law stepped up this year to coach the boys since Bob is in Chicago this season. Bob sits on the bench during the games to help my f.i.l. out. Bob has been coaching the boys for the last 2 or 3 years, so I am thankful that they have their grandpa to fill in for their dad - it takes the sting of him not being here away a bit.

Slowly Learning...

There is a house for sale in town that I really like. I saw a couple of cars in the driveway when I passed it today as I was picking up my Andyman from school, and I panicked. That is going to be my house, I thought, why is someone else looking at it?!?! (Now, keep in mind I have not seen the inside of the house nor have I put my house up for sale or any of that jazz, but in my head this house was going to be mine some day.)

Then I was pulled back into my reality, and realized that I cannot make ANY major life decision until we know what is (or is not) going on with Bob's job. I could feel my chest start to tighten up, and my mind began to go into overtime inundated with a thousand different thoughts. Tears started to fill my eyes with frustration because our lives have been on pause for the last year.

Thank goodness when I got home I saw the signs that I made and put on the mirror of our living room cabinet. Thank goodness that I remembered that until I can be happy and content with where I am at now I will not move forward with my life. No answers will come to me that will help to move me to the next life lesson to be mastered until I master the one the Universe is trying to teach me right now.  I also remembered that Bob's job is out of my control, and that I need to learn to let it go. When the the time is right for me to know if we are moving to Chicago (or somewhere else for that matter) then the Universe will let me know. Right now I live right here in my home in this city. That is all that matters.That is all that I need to know.

Miraculously, the tightening in my chest subsided, and the tears withdrew their assault on my face. I took a deep breathe and proceeded with my day as normal. I am getting better about the letting go of the unknown. Certainly, I am not perfect, but I am getting better. I will take small success any day of the week.

I have so much to be grateful for right here in my life in this house in this city with this family and with these friends. I don't want to rob my life HERE anymore with thoughts of the future being either HERE or THERE. I just want to get better about being HERE right now. And you know what? My hard work is slowly paying off.

On a side note - Bob has a very sweet Aunt who turned me on to this prayer that I have started saying in the morning when I wake up, and it has been an amazing help. (I also pulled it out this afternoon when I was having my mini meltdown about "my house" being looked at by someone else. (She believes that this poem came from St. Therese):

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

The Universe completely amazes me sometimes. Here is the perfect prayer that sounds EXACTLY like what I need, and it was handed to me out of the blue by someone who cares. I take great comfort in that.

The Home Stretch

We got back a couple of hours ago from dropping the kids dad off at the airport so that he can head back to Chicago. We are getting used to the back and forth now as it has been 5 months to the day that he headed out there for a 7.5 month work assignment. I wasn't so sure that I was going to make it between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but now that I am on the other side of that doubt I am confident that I can make it through the amount of time we committed to..

We are waiting to see if this Chicago thing is going to become a permanent job assignment for him in which we would join him, or if this is truly going to be a temporary assignment, and he will be back in his old office beginning April 1st. I am not going to lie and say that I will not be disappointed if this doesn't turn into something more permanent because we have sacrificed so much by him being away. I also know that if this doesn't work out that there is a reason. This is just one of those things that I have no control over, and need to learn to be okay with the unknown right now. At some point (hopefully in the next 4-6 weeks) we should know his fate.

Either way, I am ready for my husband to come back to us on a permanent basis - not just a weekend fix. It is time.

Thank You & Odd's and End's

As you have figured out by reading my blog, sometimes I lose sight of my own sparkle. That happens when you are your own worst enemy constantly judging and criticizing everything you do. There are moments though, when I am able to pull myself away from myself, and see myself in a loving light. When I see why other people love me as fiercely as they do. Sometimes I am pulled away from the enemy by a relative or a friend as happened today, and I am ever so grateful. I have a relative, we'll call her A.L., who I know does not agree with me always, but she helps me to find my voice when mine is lost. She also says it like it is, so when she told me today that I am way too critical of myself it got me to thinking about that, and I think know she is right. I am going to try to be better about that. There are so many great things about me (can you hear a Stuart Smalley coming on?) and I forget that ALL OF THE DAMN TIME. Time to work on that a bit. So, thank you A.L. and my soccer mom friend who sent some encouraging words to me today. It meant more than you know.

I have also been thinking about my blog lately. It is kind of scary to put oneself out there - to feel naked. I am much more comfortable putting myself out there to a bunch of strangers in the blogging community than I am to my family and friends. I purposely chose to share this blog with my closet 2-3 friends at first to gauge their reaction, and then my family, and then my community. I wasn't going to put it out there in the community that I live in because I was afraid to expose myself that way, but I also knew  that I was not going to allow myself to make a decision based on fear, so I released it to the masses.

I started to think that maybe I didn't have any people who really thought my blog was any good which got me to thinking about why I am writing this blog to begin with. Am I writing this blog for myself or for others? Am I writing as a way to openly work through my own personal struggles, and to openly share my joy and successes? Or am I writing to appeal to the masses?

I am writing my blog for myself, and if it happens to touch someone else's life - all the better. I was getting to the point where I was thinking about the types of posts I was making, and would people think there were too many sad personal stories, and not enough stories about the kids, blah, blah, blah. I came to my senses on that issue and realized that for good and for bad this is my life. Sometimes life is ugly. Sometimes it is beautiful. Right now I happen to be coming out of (I think) an ugly time in my life, so yes there are more posts than I would have liked there to be about sad ugly things, but there will also come a point where I will be making myself almost puke because post after post will be happy, happy, happy. That is how life works - at least that is how my life works. I am a bull and a fighter. I don't take the easy straight line anywhere - I never have and I never will. I always choose (because I am stubborn) the hardest, most squiggly, curvy line possible (all the while knowing that the straight line was always there to use to begin with). You know what, though? I wouldn't change that part of me for a million bucks. My life is a good life, and I wouldn't be where I am today if I took the straight line. Straight lines are boring anyway.

So, I am going to keep on writing. and I am not going to worry about what types of posts I have out there or if there are too many of one kind or another or any of that nonsense. What I am going to worry about is if this blog makes me happy because after all, in this medium, that is what takes precedence.

I made some notes for myself out of construction paper and posted them in my living room, so that I could see them multiple times every day. These are a couple of things that I am working on mastering:

(Sorry about the picture quality).

These reminders have been so helpful the last 3 days. I caught myself getting a bit stressed about Bob's job, and read the one about letting go of things I have no control over - and it actually helped to get me out of my tizzy. I think the one about the kids has made the most impact. I have found a couple of times when I was losing my patience with them, and I glanced over and saw that and realized that one day my house will be quiet and childless. What will I look back on and wish I had done differently? Hopefully, if I keep that reminder up long enough it will become ingrained into my psyche, and I when I do look back on this time we currently have together I will see very little regret, and a lot of joy and happiness.

See you next week! Enjoy your weekend!

Two Days We Should Not Worry About

Two Days We Should Not Worrk

Author Unknown

 

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry,
two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares,
its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.

Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday.

We cannot undo a single act we performed;
we cannot erase a single word we said.
Yesterday is gone forever.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow
with all its possible adversities, its burdens,
its large promise and its poor performance;
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow's sun will rise,
either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow,
for it is yet to be born.

This leaves only one day, Today.
Any person can fight the battle of just one day.
It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities
Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad,
it is the remorse or bitterness of something
which happened Yesterday and the dread of what
Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore,
Live but one day at a time.

 

**Thank you A.L. for sharing this with me!**

The Best Kind of Day

Today was awesome. It was the kind of day that I strive for everyday. It was calm and productive. I was present and thoughtful both to myself and to my kids.

I decided recently that I would like to make my kids a homemade snack everyday when they come home from school. I want them to feel welcomed home after a long day at school, and thought that it would be nice  for them if I took the time to make them something from scratch.  Today, I decided to make them hot chocolate and sugar cookie dough, so that they could cut out their own shapes when they got home. I made 4 separate dough balls for each of them and rolled them all out, so that when they got home they could pull their individual dough out of the refrigerator and have it ready to go.

My idea worked like a charm. It was really fun to watch them each create their own cookies and choose their own cookie cutters. Josh decided to make a hand print cookie which I thought was an amazing idea. I liked it so much that I had the other 3 kids lay their hands flat in their dough so that I could trace their hand prints too. Everyone decorated their cookies with sprinkles or frosting that I had made.

 These are the kind of moments that make mothering so freaking awesome. To do something creative and out of the box with my kids. To BE with them both physically, but more important mentally. This is what I want to feel like everyday of my life. This is what I strive for. To be connected to them. To be mentally available to them.

Days like these give me hope that all of my struggles lately are not for naught. That there is a purpose in my strive to be a better mother and wife and person, and that that struggle has not nor is not in vain.

This is what pure contentment and happiness looks like to me:

Everyone getting ready to begin.

Rolling out dough

Having some yummy hot chocolate while they worked.

Choosing which cookies cutters to use.

A smiley face Andy made out of thumb prints.

Sarah's hand print cookie

Andy's hand print cookie.

Joshua's hand print cookie.

Elizabeth's hand print cookie.

The girls finishing up the last of the dough.

Final product

Christmas Break Fun

I (finally) found a work around for the picture uploader problem on Blogger. Here are some Christmas Break moments. I wish I had thought to bring out my camera more often, but this year I will be better about that.

Serenity Prayer

 

 

 

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

 

 

Did you know that there is a whole second verse to this prayer? I didn't. It goes something like this:

 

 

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen

 

There are many interesting things out there if one really wants to take a look. You never know what you'll find. 

 



Soft Addictions

I was recently reading a book (I cannot remember what it was called) that, in part, talked about addiction, and how we tend to think of addiction in relation to drugs, alcohol, food, and sex, but really addiction is much more widespread than we acknowledge. The author went on to say that addictions to things such as drugs are considered 'hard addictions', whereas addictions to things such as the computer, television, books, etc...are considered 'soft addictions'. Anything that a person does to distract themselves from their reality and daily life was defined as an addiction by this author.

The first thought that came into my mind was, "Holy Crow! This is ME"!!! The second thought that came into my mind was, "Oh man, this is me" - like I had just been found out, and now I really had no where to run because I became aware of what I was doing. That was a bummer to me because when I wasn't aware of being a soft addict I just did the things I did, and didn't give them too much thought. Now that I KNOW I  have an addiction to certain things I cannot turn a blind eye to them I have to deal with them and acknowledge that those things exist in my life.

So, what am I addicted to? Pretty much anything that takes me away from focusing on the present moment: television, the Internet - specifically facebook, my blog, the blogs I follow, and of course, people.com, smoking, the library (I'll explain more in a minute).

Now, I can understand if some of you are thinking, "Huh? This girl is crazy!", and on some days I would completely agree with you. Today, is not one of those days though. You see, I will jump from each of these addictions from one to the other when I start to get that icky feeling in my belly that I am spending too much time doing a certain activity. So for example, I used to watch hours of TV while the kids were in school. I would make the excuse that I was only watching TV because I was folding the laundry, but really I was watching hours of TV because I liked it. It passed the time away for me, but I wasn't watching anything educational. I was watching crap, and I was doing it so that I didn't have to "deal" with my real life. Then, when we got rid of Netflix in the fall, and I instituted a no TV policy (remember those blogs?) then I jumped to being on the Internet too much. Who really cares, what is happening on people.com? Really? Is that what I should be spending my time on? For a while - you bet it was. I knew everything about every "star" there was. What I was doing though was avoiding my life by learning about everyone else's life. I also went back and forth between facebook and  my blog and the blogs of those women I follow. I am a fast or famine type of girl. I am either checking FB several times a day or not at all for days at a time. With my blog I am either posting a post (or 3) every 24 hours or I am going days and days without anything.  The library thing sounds weird I know, but I find myself visiting it several times during the week, for hours on end, reading different magazines and checking out different books not because I really care about what those magazines or books have to say, but because it means that I don't have to be here, in the quiet of my home. I have found, that for me, the quiet is not always a good thing. Sometimes, when all is quiet and I am faced with looking inside myself I don't like the things I see. I would rather be out and about and be distracted than to face whatever might be lurking about inside of me - the deep dark parts of me that I push down so I don't have to deal with them. The smoking thing - well that is a hard addiction as far as I am concerned. For my birthday last May, I gave myself the gift of health, and I stopped smoking. I did okay for a while, and then I started to have a cigarette here and there with friends. I would go a week or more without smoking and then when the kids went back to school I found myself smoking a bit more still not buying my own, but hanging out with people who did smoke. Basically, being a big mooch. Finally, in December I started buying my own packs again. I thought (foolishly) that I could be a cigarette here and there type of girl. Unfortunately for me, that is not how addiction works for me, so on December 30, 2012 I gave up smoking for good. For real.

I find that I ban myself from the TV, computer,etc... for a while when I find myself spinning out of control with it, but that is not really dealing with the issue. I am not looking at the reason that I am obsessive compulsive with these things for a period of time. When I take a look at the true issue at hand I find that I do these things because I am trying to avoid my life.

Why on earth would I be trying to avoid my life? I am avoiding my life because if I give my life my all and try to be the best mother, best housekeeper, best home maker, best wife, best friend that I can be that it might not be good enough. That in someones eyes I might not measure up enough, and there would be nothing else I could do to be better because I gave it my all, and I had nothing left to give. At least if I spend most of my life avoiding being a great mother, wife, friend and replace those relationships with these addictions then when someone says that I could have been a better mother, wife, friend, home maker, etc...I will know that maybe he/she is right because I never really gave it my all. I am so afraid of failing at my life that I would rather not try at all than give it my all and have it not be good enough.  For me, it is either perfect or it is a complete failure.

Perfection is one of my biggest demons. So too is control. I have to figure out a way to accept that both of these demons will be with me always, but to not let them consume me. To allow myself to live my life, and feel the emotions of my life without avoiding it and numbing myself to them. I have a lot of work to do my friends...

One of my first steps is learning to find a balance with the Internet and television and all of the other things I fill my time with. To know what is an acceptable and reasonable amount of time for me to use all of these resources without abusing them. I'll let you know what conclusions I come to when I figure it out myself.  In the meantime, please send your prayers and warm thoughts into the universe for me. I need all of the help I can get.

Good Reads

I have always been a book lover. I am constantly trying to find a good book to read- particularly parenting books. I used to to embarrassed by the fact that I was always consuming books on how to be a better mother because I used to think that I should have all of the answers myself. Now that I am a little bit older (and maybe a smudge wiser) I know that, yes, I do have an awful lot of answers inside of me, but that sometimes it helps to get an outsiders input or perspective. I also believe that just  as a lawyer or a doctor or an educator is trying to keep their knowledge base relevant and up to date by reading the latest books, magazines, periodicals, etc...in their given field, so should I stay fresh and absorb as much as I can in my chosen field: motherhood.

Some books I read over and over every year because I find them to be amazing. I like any book by Dr. William Sears. I find his advice and information to be in tune with my own belief system when it comes to parenting. I also really enjoyed reading a book called, Parenting Is A Contact Sport: 8 Ways to Stay Connected to Your Kids for Life, by Joanne Stern. The most important thing that I picked up in her book is that your kids will always come to you first with questions on life. How you respond (or don't respond) will determine whether or not your kids will come back to you for information. If they feel they cannot come to you, their parents, then they will get their information from someone else. As a mother coming up into the teenage years myself, that point really hit home. Not only do I want to be connected to my kids, but I also want them to know that they can come to me with ANYTHING and I will answer them honestly. I want them to know that I am a safe haven for them to come to. As my children's mother, I want to make sure that they are learning what sex is, or what LCD is, or what rape is, or even who/what is God from me, not from their friends or their friends older siblings, or anyone else for that matter. So far I think I have been pretty successful with that. My boys have asked me some pretty crazy stuff, and I have always met them with a calm straight face. We'll see though, I do currently have 4 children who will all be going through the teenage years....

I am also always looking to see what books the blogs I follow recommend or are reading because I have found some real gems on their pages. For example right now I am reading a book called, Large Family Logistics, by Kim Brenneman. Totally an awesome book because it talks about how to manage a home, food, chores, shopping, etc...with children. I find it refreshing, and prefect timing given by post about house keeping and how I completely stink at deep cleaning. The only thing that I run into a lot, and this book is no exception, is that it is written by a woman of the Christian faith - which is sometimes a bit difficult for me because I am not a Christian. I guess though that when you have conservative parenting values like I do that is where you are going to find a lot of your like minded parents.  I am also rereading a book called. the Mommy Manual, by Barbara Curtis. The main focus on this book is just about planting good roots for your kids, so that when they become adults and leave home they have the best chance at being successful (not by our societies standards) human beings.

If any of your have a good parenting book, please let me know. I am always on the prowl for new stuff.

P.S. I was going to post pictures of the kids and Christmas break tonight, but there is an issue with uploading pictures on this site, so that will have to wait until they fix the problem. : (

The Art of a Home Cooked Meal - who me?

One of my family's biggest expenses is groceries. We spend more money every month on groceries than I do for any of our other expenses, our mortgage included. Which tells me that I am spending too much on groceries. Our food budget is one of our very few variable expenses, and I need to get better at managing those expenses - especially because the more money I can save on groceries the more money I will have to spend on other things - like maybe baby expenses??? (Hint, Hint Husband...)

I spend a lot of money on groceries because I like to buy as much organic produce and other grocery items as possible. I also spend a lot of money because I make essentially nothing from scratch. So I decided to try and change that.I planned out a two week menu (b/c shopping for groceries is something I can only stand to do every 2 weeks), purchased a BJ's wholesale membership, and scoured my dusty cookbooks for recipes that I felt I could handle. To force myself to stay within my new food budget I only took cash to the grocery store and left my check book at home - talk about scary! 

I had decided when I planned out my menu that I was going to try and cook from scratch as many dinners as I could, and to actually save the left over food each night (instead of throwing it away as was normal in my house) and have a 'left over' dinner one night a week. This is what I have cooked so far:

 

Chicken Marsala with Mashed Potatoes, Salad, Green Beans

Pesto (homemade) Pasta, Broccoli, Salad

Eggplant (crock pot meal) with Pasta, Salad

Pot Roast with Potatoes, Veggies, Homemade (I know, right!!!) Bread

I have the next week and a half planned out with similar meals. Since I am a vegan I have planned out vegan dishes to go along with main menu.

Now, I am very proud of cooking all of these items because I am the world's worst cook (or so I thought) which is why I have never given real cooking much attention. I feel like my whole family (mom, dad, sister, brother, aunts, grandma, you know, just about everybody but me) can bake or cook, but I can not, and so I never really gave it too much of a shot. I never in a million years thought I could make Pesto or Chicken Marsala or, my favorite, homemade French Bread. To some of you, this might seem so ridiculous because all of these items are so simple to cook/bake, but to those of you stuck in the 'I can't cook/bake to save my life', I know YOU get where I am coming from.

It feels GREAT to be able to cook for my family from scratch. I never thought something as simple as pulling warm, lightly browned bread out of the oven would give me such utter pleasure - in fact I was surprised by how good it felt. There is something amazing and triumphant about knowing EXACTLY what is in my food because I made it, and I alone put all of the ingredients together. It feels so primal.

I have spent more time in my kitchen lately baking pies, cookies, brownies, and other treats all from scratch than I have spent in the past 5 years, but it has felt great. I have also saved money too which was the point of all of this to begin with.

I am excited that I am finding such joy in feeding my family. I look forward to where this path will lead me.

Changes & Updates

My husband suggested that I change the name of my blog since I write about more than just my experiences as a mother, so I took his advice and changed it from 'Mothering with Authenticity' to 'Living and Mothering with Authenticity'. This way my scope is a little broader, and I am not confusing anyone who might think that my blog is just about my parenting experiences.


I know that some of you are waiting for an update on the baby thing, and right now I still don't have an answer. My husband and I had a debate discussion about the issue last weekend, and we are still at a standstill. My husband is very concerned about being able to provide a good life for our family, rightfully so. Because the future direction of his career is so uncertain  right now the thought of our family adding huge costs to our budget (for the surgery and then our deductible to have a baby should we conceive) is just too much for him. Once he figures out what his future will look like in terms of his career he will be able to let me know if he is comfortable investing our family's money in what I am asking for.  I definitely "get" where he is coming from, but I know that in my heart everything will work out alright. I also know that each month I am getting older, and I am limiting myself to how successful I will be able to conceive, but without his consent to have the surgery, those types of thoughts are only going bring me down.  I guess I can do nothing else at this point, but wait and see...again. : (  We should hopefully know something about his job in the next couple of months, so hopefully by the spring I will know something.


I will most likely be writing more once the kids go back to school on Monday. I have loved having everyone home with me. I wish I felt comfortable with my ability to home school them all because I would love to do that again. (Don't worry - I AM NOT going to be home schooling my kids).

I have a couple of good topics rolling around in my head for future posts. It should be a good year. I hope everyone had a very Happy New Year!