Butterflies

(Photo courtesy of: www.123tagged.com)

I used to think that I would finally get everything in my life together. I would finally be as close to perfect as I could get it. I would finally be the perfect mother. The perfect wife. The perfect daughter, sister, granddaughter, aunt, friend, cousin, etc...The only thing that was stopping me was that one thing just out of my reach that I couldn't quite grasp. (Mind you, that one thing constantly changed and once I grasped a hold of it that one thing would become something else.)

I felt like I could finally begin living my life once I had it altogether once this last hardship (whatever it was at the time) would be over. Then I would be perfect and I would have it together and life would be great.

But life doesn't work that way does it?

One of magical things about living in Las Cruces is that I felt God's presence right away here. I could feel His touch in a way that I never ever have before. He seems closer to me here than ever. (Or maybe I am just more open to His presence here as I know that He has always been by my side even when I didn't acknowledge or feel His presence.)

Since moving down here I have also noticed an abundance of butterflies. Beautiful, graceful, content butterflies. Each doing her own work in her own time. Fluttering around from flower to flower or allowing the wind to seemingly take her where she needs to go next. She has no concerns about the world around her. She does not bother to get involved in those things that do not concern her. She just goes along and does her job and lives life. Freely and intentionally and beautifully.

Each of us is like a butterfly. We are all beautiful in our own ways. Some of us are more colorful and flashy. Others like to have our colors blend in with the scenery around us. We all have jobs to do. Very important jobs that no one else but us could fulfill. We are all unique. All valuable. All equally important.

I am beginning to realize that I will never have the perfect life as I thought it would be, but I will have a life perfectly suited to me. I already do. And so do you.

I also think that like a butterfly I have been through some times of uncertainty when I wasn't sure what was to come next. I cocooned myself in self doubt and worry only to find that when I came out of that cacoon I had changed. But instead of being changed for the worse I came out as beautiful as a butterfly with my own new colors and patterns. Different than before. A better version of myself even if it is only in some small way. Sometimes life changes us and the changes are apparent and colorful. And sometimes life changes us and the changes are quiet and blend in with life around it. I have been in both situations. I know that you have been there too.

I imagine that my life will be a series of cocooning myself when times are hard and I need to go inward and focus solely on me; and then coming out of that a new and beautiful butterfly. Constantly evolving. Constantly changing. And each time I evolve I will take the lessons that I was meant to learn in the previous periods of my life and add them to the wealth of knowledge that I carry around within me. Just as every butterfly is unique and has her own pattern and her own story, so do we.

I will never be the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc...

Never perfect, but perfectly me. Just as you are perfectly you.

That Bleepity Bleep Food Budget

Oh, how I loathe food right now. Or actually, food costs. I knew I was going to go over budget about 2 and a half weeks into this whole thing, but I really went over budget. I am feeling kinda bad about that too.

I guess I should have been a bit less zealous. I have a habit of throwing myself into things instead of easing into them and then get upset with myself when I do not meet my lofty unrealistic goals. So, instead of giving up I am just going to at this a bit more slowly.

I am running the final numbers today instead of on the 31st because I am going to finish out the month with what I have left in my pantry and make due with what we have in the house.

For the month of July our family spent: $942.64

This is: $420.62 over budget. Eek!

BUT...I do want to give myself some kudos because I tallied up just how much money I spent on food for the month of June and found out that I had spent a whopping: $1735.38!!!! Can you believe that?! (This total includes: $422.09 in eating out.)

So, in essence I saved our family: $792.76 this month.

Here are some of the things I learned this month:

1.) Eating out was not an option for us with our new budget.

2.) Planning out our food and snacks is imperative for staying on budget.

3.) I had to give up some things that I thought were really important like dishwasher detergent & coffee for myself because both of those items are too expensive when shopping on a budget. I would rather use that money to buy food.

4,) The Farmers market is a good place to shop in the summer for quality, rather cheap food.

5.) With some good planning (which clearly I lacked towards the end of the month) I think that it really is possible to eat well on a budget AND buy mostly organic food.

6.) Having less money to shop for food meant that I bought less which meant that I had less food that got wasted.

7.) My kids are now eating foods (gladly) that they would have never touched or touched grudgingly before. (Think walnuts/almonds, 100% whole wheat sandwich bread, pure maple syrup.)

Here are some things I need to work on:

1.) Plan, Plan, Plan. (Lack of planning was the cause of some unnecessary spending.)

2.) Follow my own shopping commandments! (I broke every one of them at least once this month.)

3.)  Do major grocery shopping less often and shop for fruits and veggies more often. (I tend to do better at spreading my money out and getting more food for each dollar when I have a smaller shopping list and less money. BUT this only applies with things like snacks. If I had to go to the store each day for a whole day's worth of food I would over spend. If I have just $10 and know that I need to get fruit and veggies for the two days I am able to get more for my money. I know, that is weird, but that is just the way I roll.)

4.) Ease into my goal of living on a food stamp budget. My kids went into shock this month with our new shopping goals. I think they would have called children's services on me if I actually  cut my budget from $1700 to $522 in one month. I don't know I would have blamed them either.

So there you have it. This is what my month looked like. I am looking forward to the month of August to see what improvements I can make.

 For those of you who are trying out your own shopping goals I am curious to hear how you did. Happy shopping and good luck in August!

The Bigger Picture

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the day to day living that I forget that there is a bigger picture in life. As I have been worrying (and trying very hard not to) about Andy and then dealing with some new major drama with Josh's soccer team it has been easy for me to focus on the small seemingly significant details of those two issues and see only doom and gloom about life.

But then I watched my four children laughing in the pool and playing together  this afternoon and remembered that it doesn't really matter if Andy makes this soccer team or not. It doesn't really matter if it seems that Josh's team is imploding because of some major shadiness. It doesn't matter if the kids have play dates or not. Those are all little picture problems. 

What matters is the big picture. How well do we interact as a family? How much fun do we have together? Are we being kind and honest and generous with one another? Am I being an example of the kind of woman I want my girls to grow up into or the kind of woman I want my boys to one day marry? Are my kids learning to handle disappointment well? Are they learning to celebrate victories graciously? Are they learning that there are those who have so much less than they do and that it is there job to take care of all people, but especially those in need? Are they learning that they can count on one another no matter what? Are they learning that the little details of life aren't that important? 

One soccer season or team will not make or break my boys, so I shouldn't let myself get caught up in all of the drama that can come along with sports. Andy will find other ventures to pursue or, if he is serious about soccer, will spend this season working to improve his skills. Josh will learn that every professional soccer player has disappointments and setbacks and it is up to him to work through those and come out on the other side a better player.  

I truly believe that how we spend our moments is how we spend our life. I need to remember to not fret about the little things in life because those things don't matter. They really just don't. My moments need to be spent enjoying the big picture ideas. Not worrying about things that will not matter in the long run. Because if I fret over all of the small details of life I am taking the fun out of living. There are always going to be small details to worry about in this life, and wasting precious energy and resources giving those details power over me is just senseless. 

Life is about the big picture. 

More Than I Can Bear

Have you ever heard the saying, "God never gives you more than you can bear."?  I certainly have. In fact, it was something that I would tell myself often when I was facing a difficulty or trial even in those times when I wasn't sure God even existed. (Kinda funny, right?) In fact, my two favorite slogans were the one above and "This too shall pass.".

I don't think that it is accurate for me to tell myself that "God give me more than I can bear." because I think that he has and does give me more than I can bear because he doesn't want me to go it alone. God, I think, purposefully has presented me with trials and tribulations that have forced me to come to him because I could not carry the trial on my own. God doesn't want me to walk alone. He wants me to count on Him, to lean on Him in times of great happiness, but also in times of trouble.

For so long, because I am incredibly stubborn, I have tried to do it my way. I didn't need God's help (or so I thought) and I didn't want God's help because I was completely self sufficient. (Ha!) Instead of coming to Him willingly, as some of His children are want to do, I had to be broken first in order to truly be ready to submit to His will. The straw that broke me was, of course, Sarah's diagnosis.

I tried for so long to carry all of the emotions and feelings that I have surrounding her journey by myself. But it was too hard. After feeling hatred then anger towards God those feelings were replaced by extreme sadness and fear. Finally, those feelings turned into surrender. Having my daughter carry this monstrous disease in her body is something that I cannot carry alone. This is what finally turned me toward God.

Now I know that I no longer have to carry the big things or the little things that trouble me in this life all by myself. As long as I am willing to give up the control to God (and believe me this is not easy for me to do) my burden never will be more than I can bear. But should I try and stray off the course and go-it-alone? You better believe that my burdens will be too much for me to bear alone because burdens are not  meant to be carried solely by mere humans. They are meant to be given up to God.


I am weary and tired from trying to carry all that I have on my own. I am glad that I am no longer choosing to do so.

A Servant's Heart

One of the things that I am really trying to hard to work on with my semi-new found faith is to have a servant's heart. I get the impression that this is really important to Jesus. To serve others willingly, joyfully, and without complaint. I don't do any of those things very well. At all. When I do something for one of my kids or my husband I want them all to know about it.  I want everyone in my household to know just how above and beyond I went, how hard it was, and how much appreciation I deserve because of my efforts. When I am put out everyone knows about it. When I feel unappreciated everyone knows about it. I grumble. I kvetch. I pout. (It's embarrassing to admit all of this, but I have a knack for embarrassing myself on this site it seems.)

The point is that I don't serve others in the way that Jesus would. Since I am trying to learn and become as Christ-like as I can, and because being a servant seemed pretty high on Jesus' list of important things to do I decided to make this my number one priority. When I first began to think about where I wanted to serve and how I wanted to use my abilities to be more Christlike I thought about volunteering some place in town on a weekly or monthly basis, but after praying each morning for God to please help me to have a servant's heart he showed me where I really need to begin: at home.

Eek. At home? Really? That means that I will need to do the laundry, cooking, budgeting, baking, menu creating, cleaning, schooling, organizing, running kids around, taking care of kids, & taking care of husband willingly, joyfully, and all without complaint. I think God is trying to torture me! How am I going to do all of those things in that manner? I cannot go 1 day without huffing and puffing and kvetching (I love this word) about something. Now, God is asking me to go the rest of my life without doing so? What?! I thought God was supposed to give me a grace period in the Christianity club and allow me to get my feet wet. I didn't think that he would just shoot straight from the hip with the hardest task he could possibly find for me right off the bat! No wonder there are so many unbelievers out there!!! This is hard stuff, man.

But here the thing - deep down I really want to become a better servant. Jesus is awesome, and I want to model my life as closely to his as I possibly can because He has changed me in ways that I never thought possible, and almost like a drug, I have witnessed small pieces of His greatness, and I want more.

So, how can I be a better servant?

First, I can learn to put my husband second to God. My priorities have been out of wack for a while - I put my children above my husband for years and years. This isn't how it should be. Putting my kids before my husband is bad for my husband, myself, and my kids.

Second, I need to learn that my husband is the head of the household. I am a force to be reckoned with, I admit. I can be pretty wonderful and fun, but I can also be beastly (or as the kids call me: Gorzilla). For the last 15 years I have run the household. I have worn the pants in the family so to speak. I have made decisions without my husband and I have run this family for as long as I can remember without really consulting him on very much. (I mean, the big things, yes, but all of the little day to day things? Not so much.) My husband is pretty laid back and easy to please which has made it all the more easy for me to run him over (and then to complain that I do everything. I am telling you I can be a real piece of work.) and then take charge of our household. As time has gone on and Bob works more and more our roles seem to be more defined and it has become even easier for me to just do what I want. In some regards, Bob doesn't want to know about every decision I make, but he certainly wants to be included in more of them. Then, when he does try to put his foot down, I rebel and make life difficult for him. I have been reading a lot about submission (don't freak out here my feminist friends and family), and what my role is in our family. I feel that Bob and I are equal, but have very different roles. It is my job to be Bob's help meet and I am to defer to him first. Basically, I feel that it is my job to allow him to feel like to man of the house and to treat him like the man of the house. I am to serve him first and foremost (after God, of course). What this means to me is to allow him to have the final say in most matters of the home and to make him feel like the king of his castle (all the while doing so joyfully, willingly, and without complaint). It means that I am the number 2 in command in this house, so no more "I do what I want when I want how I want." Which, for those of you who know me, is going to be really, really, really challenging to me, and really, really, really foreign to my husband.

Third, I can be a better servant to my children. Now, I am not talking about waiting on my kids hand and foot and spoiling them rotten. Heck no! That would be completely irresponsible of me. What I am talking about is the atmosphere I create in my home. Is my home well organized? Is it clean? Is there a healthy meal on the table? Is the laundry done? Do I have a joyful attitude? Am I happy to see their father come home? Am I warm and welcoming? Am I approachable or am I distant and grouchy? Am I patient? (Now, please keep in mind that the house is going to be cleaned because the kids help me. The meals on the table will be there because the kids have helped me.) Because I am the keeper of the home I am in charge of the atmosphere of our home and that is created in part by how clean/well kept up it is, but also the attitudes that I exemplify as well. Do I grumble when the kids ask me to do something for them? Or do I joyfully respond to them? The attitude that I display as the keeper of the home will be the ones that they display when they get older or the ones that they choose in spouses - should they choose to get married. That is how I can serve them.

This  means that there will be times when I do things for my husband or kids and I will get no recognition for it. It means that there are going to be times when I do things for our family/home that no one even notices. And I am to do it all willingly, joyfully, and without complaint. This is going to be so hard for me because I don't know how to do my job without complaining and kvetching (there is that awesome word again!). I don't know how to suffer in silence, so to speak. I am a vocal gal. But I know that learning to be a keeper of my home willingly, joyfully, and without complaint is what God really wants me to focus on because as a mother and wife I have more impact on our family than anyone else does. It is important that I do this job well for how I perform in these two most important roles will affect so many other people and so many generations to come.

Once I am a better servant in my own home THEN I can go out in the world and better serve those in need. But I cannot, in good faith, go out and serve others when I am not serving those that live in this home well.

My Statement of Faith Objection

When I first moved to Las Cruces and reached out to the homeschooling community I heard back from many warm and welcoming people. As they each gave me helpful information as to different groups to join or different clubs to be a part of there was one group that consistently kept popping up. It was a local Christian co-op. I had heard many great things about it. The classes offered were abundant and diverse. The people friendly. And as I got to know more and more people here it seemed as if a large part of the population not only knew about the co-op,but were a part of it too. When I inquired about joining last fall I hit a major road block.

In order to join the group I needed to be willing to sign a Statement of Faith that had several requirements in it including, but not limited to, the fact that I had given my life over to Jesus. At that point in my life, I was not yet a Christian, and although I could have lied and just signed the paper to get my kids into this wonderful co-op I knew that I would never do that because it wasn't truthful and my kids would know that. So, I decided to put the idea of the co-op out of my head. And I did.

Now that I am going to church regularly and am a Christian I have had my name placed on the co-op's email list as sign up's for the next session are coming up soon. A friend actually got me on the list without my knowing at first, but I am thankful she did so. It's neat to see what they have coming up.

But here's the thing that is bugging me. A LOT. Even though I am pretty sure I can sign the statement of faith (but I am not 100% because my kids don't yet go to church with me, so I don't know if there is a clause in there about that) I am not sure that I am going to. I have a big problem with the group being so exclusive. I think they are missing the point about Jesus and what HE would have wanted from this group.


I think that Christians miss the point of Christianity sometimes. I think that we get so caught up in the fine details that we miss the big picture. What would Jesus do in this situation? In my humble opinion, I think that he would have opened the co-op to everyone. He would have told them that the agenda had a Christian view and then let come if they wanted to. No statements of faith. None of that.

How many people  are there that are curious about Jesus and Christianity, but get turned off by things just like this? The exclusivity clause. That is NOT what Jesus was about.  So often we turn Jesus and our faith in Him into a club of righteousness that would make Jesus sick to His stomach. We are all sinners. Equally. Jesus is an inclusive kinda guy. I don't know a lot about Him yet, but I do know that.

Dead Last

Andy has been going to "voluntary" training sessions every day for the past 6 weeks in order try and make the high school soccer team. He has worked harder than he ever has before pushing his body both physically and mentally to places it has never been. Some days he has come home with tears in his eyes because his body hurts so much and other days the tears have been from an emotional hurt.

Andy is the type of soccer player whose level of play depends heavily on his soccer self esteem. He has played for teams in his younger days for tough coaches who offered little praise and a lot of criticism. He played terribly for those coaches and even quit soccer for a while because he was so mentally battered and bruised. On the flip side, he has played for coaches who have offered positive reinforcement and praised much and criticized little. For those coaches (most notably his last coach for whom he played his best soccer for and who he could do no wrong in this man's eyes) he was a different soccer player completely. He was solid. He could hold his own and he played well. He flourished.

In moving to New Mexico Andy was coming off of a soccer player high. He had just finished his best soccer season yet playing for his favorite coach with his best friends. I loved watching him play for that team because I knew how far he had come to get to that point of believing in himself and his capabilities as a player.

He brought this attitude of confidence with him down to New Mexico and I slowly saw it chipped away. When we got wind of the high school summer schedule Andy was beginning to lose confidence in his ability to play. He had several setbacks in the months prior to these summer tryouts that began to deflate his confidence. After the first practice with this new high school team Andy was thoroughly defeated. I knew we were in for an uphill battle because I knew that Andy was going to play without any confidence - when he does this he plays like rubbish.

But day in and day out he has been going to these practices. He has played in scrimmages and does get some playing time, but not too much. He, quite honestly, is on the verge of being cut from the team. He has been all summer. In fact, I think if the coach was actually allowed to cut people he would have been cut a long time ago, but thankfully for the New Mexico Athletic Association cuts are not able to be made for another week or two which has been Andy's only saving grace.

You see, Andy has two things that 75% of other boys don't have. He has a heart of gold and (when he wants to) a work ethic like none other. He will give 110% in 95 degree heat for 2.5 hours every single day just to be able to earn a spot on the bench. The time that Andy has spent on the field during practices these last 6 weeks has shown the coaches this work ethic and good attitude. If he makes the team (and I am not even sure he will) it will be because of these two things.

I couldn't tell you why playing down here is so hard and so different. Maybe these boys have racing horse blood in them because they are almost all super fast. (Andy is not.) These boys also have foot skills unlike any high school boys I have ever seen before. (Andy does not.) I have been told that the boys are so good because from the time they can walk a soccer ball has been placed in front of them. Maybe this is true. Maybe it is not. All I know is that these kids are wicked good ball players.

I will say that Andy is slowly gaining a small amount of confidence. He is looking like he actually belongs on the field now that he has had some time to play with these boys. In the beginning, when he was on the field he looked like he had never played soccer before. It was that bad. I was embarrassed for him as I would watch him during practice or in a scrimmage. The last game that he played in he did a solid job. He passed the ball well; he beat his opponents to the ball more often than not; he had some good skill moves.

Up until yesterday, I felt like we were making some positive progress with his confidence. And then he got into the car after practice and I could see in his face that something bad had happened. He looked broken.

I asked how practice was and he told me not good. He told me that the boys were scrimmaging and that they were assigned to pick teams. He said that he was picked last. He said that even Josh was picked before him. (Keep in mind that Josh isn't even trying out for the team. He is just practicing with them to get some touches on the ball before his own season begins next week.) I then asked him how he felt about that. He said that he felt terrible because he knew that his teammates had no confidence in him and that they all thought he was the weakest link.

My heart ached for him. I know how hard this whole process has been for him. It hurts me to see him hurting. As his Mama I want to fix everything for him. Make everything better. But I know that I cannot. What am I going to do? Go yell at the kids for picking Andy last? Yell at the coach for not giving him more playing time or for not building up his confidence more? Tell the coach that Andy is an amazing kid and that he is making a huge mistake if he cuts him from the team?

I suppose I could do any and all of the above, but the truth of the matter is that I will do none. Parenting is hard. Allowing kids to learn life lessons is even harder. Not all good people get everything that they want in life. Life isn't fair. Sometimes, being a good person isn't good enough. Trying to save the day for Andy will only make his life harder. It will certainly put a bad taste in the coaches mouths regarding our family and it will hurt the chance that he does have to make the team. But not only that. Andy will be an adult (in the legal sense of the word) in 3 years. He has to learn to deal with rejection and disappointment. (As do all of my kids.) It is a part of life for him just as it is a part of parenting life for me to let him feel this rejection and disappointment as much as I want to save him from those feelings.

I asked Andy what he was going to do about being picked last, if anything. He told me, as only Andy would because he is just that sweet of a soul, that he is going to do the only thing that he can do and that is to work harder to show the boys on the team that he is a better player than they currently think he is. Honestly, if it was me? I probably would have walked off of the field at that point and never come back. But not Andy. Andy is going to do what he has always done when life gets hard - he is going to put his head to the ground and work harder. If that isn't an example of a life lesson then I don't know what is.

Growing Teenagers

I am lucky enough that my two boys are now in their teens. When I first began my parenting journey I thought that I would dread the teenage years. After all, aren't they supposed to be filled with hormonal, moody, sullen, secretive, disrespectful heathens? Bob and I would joke about how hard life was going to get after Elizabeth was born once they were all in their teens at 19, 17, 15, and 13.
After having two of those ages (15 & 13) living in this house I do believe that it isn't going to be as hard as I thought. In fact, having teenagers in my home is pretty cool. I like having conversations with my boys especially when they have an opposing point of view. I love watching the young men they are growing into. I look forward to my girls becoming young women as well for the same reasons.

If you are getting ready for the teen years in your home here are some things that have worked for us that you may want to consider for yourselves:

Have an open dialogue with them - always. 

My boys (and girls) know that they can come to me and talk to me about anything. and I mean anything. Kids are curious. They hear things from their friends or older friends' siblings. They hear things that other adults are talking about. They are going to develop questions that they are going to want answers to. If you turn them away or make them feel uncomfortable about coming to you they will seek out another source to find their answers - even if they are not the correct ones. My boys and I have talked about everything from drugs and addiction to sex and all of  "bases" and what they mean. We have discussed the small things and the big things. No question is ever off limits in this house. And my kids know it. Because of this I feel that there is very little that they keep from me. (Do they tell me everything? No, of course not. That is part of being a child and part of growing up. Do I think that they tell me most everything? I know they do.)

Model the behavior you want them to display themselves.

We often think that when kids are littler it is more important to model good behavior like no swearing or lying, etc... BUT I think that those behaviors are equally important as they become teenagers and young adults. Teenagers want to know that the parent that they were shown as children is the same parent, character wise, that they see as teens. I am by no means perfect, but what this shows my kids is that they don't have to be perfect either. I am quick to apologize to them when I make a mistake with them. That is important too. I really try to make sure that my language is clean around my kids and that I am honest not only with them, but in the situations that we are in together. For example, I do not lie about their ages - EVER - to get them into a movie, or amusement park, or drive in theater, just to get them in for a discounted price. I cannot ask my kids to be honest and then myself not be honest especially in situations like the example provided. It creates confusion in teenagers and sends the message that it is okay to lie sometimes. Then they turn around and start lying to you when it benefits them just like you did when it benefited you a couple of bucks to get them into the movie at cheaper kids price.

Spend time with them.

Bob and I really try to spend time with our boys to connect with them. Bob does a great job of playing basketball with them or video games or exercising with them. I try to check in with them everyday and spend some time alone each of them even if it is only for a few minutes. It lets my boys know that Bob and I value them. It also helps us to know them better. Sometimes in those few minutes of talking, on my busy days when that is all that I have, I learn more about something going on in their lives than during the times that I spend much more time with them. (Other times it's vice versa.) Sometimes we talk about nothing, but just sit together each reading a book in my room or we will play a card game or a board together.  I want my kids to feel valued. We can do that by giving them our time.

Limit Electronics.

I know this one is not going to be popular, but it is something that is very important in our house and we have seen the positive results from limiting usage. My boys don't have cell phones, iPads, Facebook pages, email accounts, Instagram, or any other chat/picture thing. As far as Bob and I are concerned there is no need for those things. We have a family iPad that we all use. Each of the boys has an iPod and that is it. I am firm believer in no Facebook pages and all of the like because we adults show time and time again that WE cannot handle these technologies, so how are we supposed to unleash our teenagers, who are mentally still maturing, to these things?  I always tell my boys "sight unseen" which means once you see something you cannot unsee it. So things like pornography (a.k.a. selfies in some situations), vicious rumors that are placed online, bullying, etc...are not things that my kids can just get out of their minds once exposed to them. How can I talk to my boys about respecting the opposite sex when these girls themselves are posting pictures online that are anything, but self respecting? (And yes, I know it goes both ways, but because I only have teenage boys right now my main focus in on them.) That isn't good exposure for them and it is counterculture to what we are trying to teach them at home.  Also, once kids post stuff online it is out there forever.  What if someone hacked into Facebook or Instagram or any other "private" media and exposed all of the pictures and postings of these kids? That is the world we live in. And we adults know how much those types of things pull us away from what is really important: family & friends in the flesh. The good thing is because I have explained my stance on electronics I don't really get too much push back. Does this mean that my boys will never have these things? No, but I am going to hold off on them for as long as Bob and I feel that they are unnecessary.

Remember that you are building a foundation for a lifetime of living. That foundation takes longer than just the toddler years or the pre-adolescent years. Building a strong foundation takes until kids are ready to leave their home. This is a much bigger investment than a lot of us are putting in and we are seeing the results from this : and they are not good.

The Hot Topic In the Gregg Family Right Now...

Wanna take a wild guess what the hot topic is right now? If you guessed F-O-O-D - your're right! We had a family meeting yesterday to discuss, among other things, food. Particularly the kids concerns & questions regarding this new (attempted) food budget and the foods we are eating. Here are the main takeaways from that meeting:

Everyone is now on board with trying to live on a limited food budget IF they can feel like they have a say in what we are eating. I think that is completely valid and fair. If I am asking my kids to overhaul their diet so that I can save money and try to prove to myself that I can feed my kids healthy food on a very limited budget then they should have a say in that. 

Everyone is willing to keep on this path if I offer a variety of options - not necessarily at the same time, but as often as possible. 

We are going to be eating either a meal or a snack every two hours (approximately) from 8:30 am - 6:30 pm so that no one gets to that hangry point. (Hangry = angry because one is hungry.) (The boys will have their last snack a bit later as soccer does not get out until 8:30 pm.) 

That's basically it. I sat down yesterday with some cookbooks and came up with some new snacks to offer. I also am going to be doing some new things for lunch. (Think beans and rice type stuff.) I am trying to offer filling foods and also foods that will allow the kids to feel like they still get to eat junk, but because I am making it from scratch, is a much healthier version. (Think angel food cake with frozen organic strawberries.) I also gathered  input  yesterday from the kiddos as to what they would like to eat this week.  Everyone provided that information and I let them know what snacks I was thinking of offering. Once everyone was on board with the menu I went to the store today to get food until Saturday. (Don't ask how much I spent. That is for another post altogether although I do wish this month would end, so that I could start anew with my food budget.)

I feel like I have been in the kitchen a lot of today trying to either cook a meal or make a snack. I am not too keen on that especially because I cannot homeschool the kids AND spend all day in the kitchen. I have some ideas on how to fine tune the amount of time I am meal prepping and preparing, and if they work I will post them. 

One of the amazing things about this whole project (besides how much money I am saving) is the fact that once the kids detoxed from the processed crap they were eating (which was quite the struggle - let me tell you) they no longer ask for it. Elizabeth - the junk food queen - came up to me this afternoon after I had come home from running some errands and let me know that she grabbed some walnuts for a snack - on her own - with no prodding from me.  That girl would have fought me tooth and nail with tears and flailing two weeks ago if I had offered her such a snack. The kids are eating 100% whole wheat sandwich bread (which was something they would not have gone near with a 10 foot pole before) and are loving it.  (I tried making sandwich bread up to this point, but they did not really like it, so I relented and bought them bread, but not the white bread they were eating before this whole project.)

Another really cool thing is that they aren't even using their own spending money on junk food. I told them that they could each buy themselves one junk food every week, but that in order to eat 1 portion of it they had to eat a healthy snack first. I have taken the kids twice to shop for their snacks and all four of them walked out with nothing because they couldn't find something that was filling for the money they were going to spend. (Actually, I take that back.  Sarah bought 1 Greek yogurt one of those times.) Now, I am not stupid enough to think that if my kids go to your house and you offered them Cheetos they wouldn't devour the whole bag, but they don't choose to have that kind of stuff in our house and I am truly thankful for that. 

It is amazing how much our life revolves around food. I guess it always had, but now that we are trying to consciously eat our food  and be mindful not only of cost, but of where the food is coming from and the quality of food we are buying  it has become the main topic both in our minds and in our conversations. On the one hand if one more child asks me what there is to eat or what I am feeding him/her today I could just scream, but on the other hand the fact that I am providing some of the answers I am without resistance (100% maple syrup instead of the sugary processed stuff we used before - is just one example) I also feeling like shouting for joy. 

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Instead of posting our weekly menu on the side bar of the blog I have decided to change it up and post what we are eating daily. Because today is almost over I am just going to let you know what we did today:

Breakfast: Pancakes with maple syprup 

1st Snack: Almonds & Walnuts with a piece of fruit

Lunch: Baked potatoes with toppings

2nd Snack: Banana Bread

Dinner: Tacos

3rd Snack: Angel Food Cake with strawberries

The Little Girl That Could

Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl. She was loved by all, but especially loved by her daddy. One of the most enchanting things about this little girl was her beautiful big blue eyes. Sometimes, when people looked into them, it seemed as if they were looking into a little piece of heaven.

As time went on this little girl grew, as almost all little girls are fortunate enough to do. As she grew she developed a love of horses. She had a collection of miniature horses, had horse bedding, horse clothing, and horse pictures. But her favorite of all of these things were the horse lessons that she took. Nothing in the world made this little girl happier than being on a horse or taking care of a horse. Her smile would light up the night's sky and her eyes were twinkle brighter than any star seen above when she was with these magnificent creatures.

But then one day, for reasons still unknown, the light in those blue eyes started to fade to black. The little girl became scared to ride and no longer wanted to see her beloved horses. She was afraid of them. Afraid that she would fall off of them or could no longer care for them. She got rid of her bedding (at least she thought she did. Her mama kept hidden from her in a closet in hopes she would one day want to use it again), most of her horse pictures, and a lot of her horse clothing. What once brought her such joy now only made her very, very sad.

After some time had gone by she began to show signs of understanding that she could still have a life that included horses in it. The bedspread that was once more replaced on her bed and the horse clothes returned, but still no lessons.

Every-so-often her mama would ask her if she was ready to ride again and each time she would tell her mama that she was afraid until one day she replied that she was ready. After a long search and many months of looking for just the right teacher and just the right horse her mama found the perfect place for her to learn to ride again.

And so she did. And her mama cried as she saw this beautiful little girl doing something again that she once loved to do with all of her little heart. She saw the smile on her face and the beginning of a twinkle in her eye. It was a different smile and a different twinkle to be sure, but it was there none-the-less.

And after the lesson was over the little girl talked most of the way home about what fun she had and how much she couldn't wait to go back. And the mama was happy because she knows just how hard life is to be this little girls mama - she couldn't imagine how hard it was for the little girl to be herself - and instead of giving up and quitting the little girl was like the little engine that could. Once the seed was placed in her mind - 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can' - she did. She was the little girl that could.

The End

You can tell she is nervous because she is playing with her fingers. This is at the beginning of the lesson. 

Not the best picture - I know. 

Still nervous...

Up she goes - she got on Bow (the horse's name) without any assistance from her teacher. I was pretty amazed. 

Any time Sarah would get too close to the fence Bow wold stop. This was her way of telling Sarah that she needed to turn a different way. 

Feeding Bow a treat after the lesson was over. 

Brushing her off and cooling her down after the ride is over.

***Just for a minute - close your eyes - you can see the light if there is a lamp on, but otherwise all is dark, right? Imagine that this is what you have for eyesight, but maybe a smudge better because sometimes you can see dark shapes of things that are in your way (but a lot of the time you can't and when you can see the shape you have no idea what the item actually is). Now imagine putting a saddle on a horse that way, getting on a horse, riding a horse by yourself with no help, getting off of the horse, taking off the saddle (with a little help), brushing down the horse when it is over, and then feeding the horse. THAT is what life is like for Sarah. I cannot imagine how scary new experiences are for her, can you?  Now imagine how proud yourself you would feel if you accomplished those things. If you were able to show yourself that even though your world is dark you can still do the things you love you just have to learn to do them again a bit differently. How many of us would be willing do try scary things over and over again? Things that were once normal and easy that are now hard and complicated. I don't know if I would - would you? THAT is why this little girl is the most magical amazing girl I know.

The Grocery Budget - When Mama Revolts

I am not very good at delayed gratification. I am getting better as I get older, but it is still something that I have to consciously work on day in and day out. Sometimes when I am too focused on the 500 million other things that I have to do each day as a mama (and I know you know what I mean) delayed gratification goes out the window.

It doesn't help much that I tend to be an all or nothing kinda girl. Either everything is perfect and wonderful or it is terrible and horrible. There generally aren't too many in-betweens.

Two days ago, I went to the store without a list and without cash. I was tired and hungry. (I seem to be having trouble following my grocery shopping commandments.) And as Squints from the Sandlot said, "I can't take it no more!".  I went into Natural Grocers and spent $50 on a bag of  organic cherries, Organic Valley butter, Garden of Eatin' chips, the best veggie burgers known to man, Rudi's organic whole wheat hamburger buns, Applegate Farms Salami, Organic Valley American Cheese, Niman Ranch hot dogs, Rudi's organic hot dog buns, 2 bags of Alexia french fries, organic kale, organic red leaf lettuce and 4 organic red Golden Crisp apples. I was just putting things in my cart without looking at the price. I didn't care that I had gone over my budget for the week. I just wanted food and I wanted easy food to make. The kids have a nickname for me when I become grouchy and grumpy: Gorzilla. (It's a pretty funny nickname, I know. I laugh every time they call me that which brings me right out of my grumpy mood.) It was definitely Gorzilla who went grocery shopping.

I was completely satisfied when I got home. The kids were in heaven. It was a glorious day.

And you know what? I did it again yesterday. I spent $37 on various items. Mostly fruit. For some reason we have all been on a fruit kick. I imagine it has something to do with the fact that we are no longer eating junk food snacks and there was most likely a lot of sugar in those and so our bodies are going into sugar withdrawal? I don't know. I don't really care either. I just know that watermelon, apples, cherries, bananas, and grapes are being eaten around here like the apocalypse is coming tomorrow.  And when you are trying to buy all organic those items are extremely expensive. (Although not as expensive as organic strawberries and raspberries which I still cannot get myself to pull the trigger on because no fruit it worth the amount the stores charge for them.)

I can completely relate to Squints. (If you have never seen the Sandlot - you must watch it. It is a classic movie.) I have been suppressing our food wants and suppressing our food wants (notice that I said wants and definitely not needs), and then Boom! my impulsive self took over so that I could instantly gratify myself with delicious food.

Of course, because I am me, I am wracked with guilt because, yes, I am trying to save myself some money here, but the main point in eating on a food stamp budget was to see and feel what it would be like to be in a situation where I had no choice. No fallback card. (See here if you don't know what I am referring to.) To walk in those families' shoes. To challenge myself to voluntarily sacrifice for the sake of knowing what it is like to do without. Because to tell you the truth, my kids don't know what a life without looks like. And neither do I. And neither does Bob.

I became convicted  to try this whole experiment because of a church sermon about how lucky Christian Americans are. How we have never truly had to put our faith on the line because we live charmed lives in comparison with those across the globe. Even the poorest of us have it better than a majority of people in the world. Which then got me to thinking about what would Jesus do? If I am truly trying to model and live my life like Jesus, what would he do? Would he live in a 3200 square foot house and have a $1200+ food budget? Ah, no. In fact he would look at someone like myself and make an example of the life I lead as a 'what not to do' because there is so much gluttony in my life from the amount of material possessions that we have, to the size of our home, to the amount of money we spend on ourselves, and the amount of money that we don't spend on others.


(Side bar here - please note that although our house is big it is not too fancy. It seems like every time I turn around there is something breaking or in need of repair. I don't want to make it sound like I live in this glorious gated community with a perfectly brand new gorgeous home. No. This is not what we are talking about. BUT, I do have more space and rooms than we need. The size of our home is embarrassing to me beacuse it is unnecessary. Gluttonous and showy - I think anyway. Our family would probably be comfortable in 1800 square feet. In fact, don't be surprised the next time we move that we buy a smaller house than we have now. I know that goes against conventional American standards here - make more money - buy a bigger and bigger house, but that's not how I roll. It wasn't how Bob and I rolled before and it won't be how we roll in the future. Inventory was low here for what we were looking for and we lost our way a bit when we purchased this house, but it won't happen again. Ok, back to the main point of this post...)

I have guilt because I know that Jesus would say, "Elicia, you don't really need all of this fruit. Stay within your budget and remember that there are those who go without fruit everyday not from lack of want, but from lack of choice."  So, this will be the thought in my head as I go to the grocery store for the next couple of weeks. The good news about this life is that every morning we are given a chance to start over. Today is a new day. New chances, New beginnings.

Kids, Money, & Budgeting

Growing up my parents never really had any talks with me about money or budgeting. They were so busy working hard to pay the bills that they had that they did not have the time to have important discussions such as this with me. The one thing that they did discuss with me over and over was the importance of going to college to get my degree because they felt that if I did that then I wouldn't have to work as hard as they did to pay my own bills as an adult. And so I did. (Ironically, I am not using that degree at all, but I feel that I am doing a much more important job here at home than I could be doing out in the world, right now anyway.)

When I became an adult in my own right I struggled with money and how to use it and how not to use it. This problem only intensified as Bob and I were just starting out as parents and newlyweds. Over the years I have learned, often the hard way, how to blow our money, and then, how to budget it properly. We are now in a spot where we have a handle on our budget and know how to use our money wisely, but getting to this spot took a long a time.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I do not often have conversations with my own children about money. I don't want my kids to ever become trapped by money. I want them to have enough money to support themselves, and if any of them should ever becoming rich (according to society's standards) I want to teach them to give away their extra money to worthy causes.

As a society we glorify money. We worship money. We make money our god. The only things that money will do, when not used wisely, is to make us slaves. I have been there and I don't want my children to ever be there. I also want my children to know  and understand that a big house doesn't mean greater happiness. That living in a coveted neighborhood will not help your heart be content. That driving the latest cars or wearing the latest fashions will not offer peace. Those are the things that companies want you to believe will bring you everlasting happiness because it will line their pockets with money and make you a slave to yours as you try and pay the bills for all of those purchases.

I have a 15 year old son who will most likely be leaving home sooner rather than later. I should have started this conversation and idea with him years ago, but as my first child Andy is my guinea pig. I live and learn from the parenting mistakes I make with him so that the others can benefit.  I sat down with my boys and with Sarah and asked them what they thought their cost of living was each year. I wanted them to jot down what they thought their Dad and I spent on them over the course of a year excluding food and lodging. I had them tally up things like clothes, soccer equipment, toys/games, extracurricular activities, entertainment, etc...They all came up with totals (which were much lower than reality which was an eye opener for them).  I then talked to the three of them about what their Dad and I actually spent on them. I explained to them that I was no longer going to spend that amount of money on them each year. I told them that their Dad and I would pay for 1 activity a piece (soccer for the boys and gymnastics for the girls), but everything else they were on their own for. If they want new soccer cleats or to go to a movie or to buy fancy hair gel - it was on them. Horseback riding lessons - on them. I also told them that when they are first starting out in life they are going to have to make choices about where they spend their money. They are going to have to budget their money because they won't have a Dad who works incredibly hard to earn a living that will just hand them money to do what they would like. They will have to figure out a way in which to spend their money wisely.

So, the three kids and I determined an amount that they thought was fair and that I thought was adequate as well (and it is saving Bob and I money because I am giving them less than we have been spending on them) and they are now on their own for all of their expenses outside of their one designated activity. If they need deodorant, toothpaste, shampoo - it's on them to buy it. If they need a new pair of jeans - it's on them. Want to go to a movie? On them. Want to go to Chipotle in El Paso on Saturday when they pick up their dad from the airport? On them. I will provide all of their meals and snacks here at the house (unless they want a specialty snack such as chips of which they can only purchase 1 junk snack and a healthy snack has to be eaten first before a portion of the junk snack is consumed), but going out to eat is on them. (Of course there will be exceptions where Bob and I will pay for dinner like Christmas Eve or something like that, but our days of eating out often are over because of our voluntary experiment to eat on a food stamp budget - or as close to it as we can. You can read about that here.)

I am confident that they will learn how to budget their money and become masters over it and not the other way around by doing it this way. My boys have always been pretty good with their money, so I am not worried about them blowing it. If they do though, it's on them. Sarah, too, will learn much earlier than the boys the power that can money can have if not used properly. I will be helping her a bit more in terms of how she uses her money. I will be more hands on with the choices that she makes pointing things out to her and walking her through the choices she will be making regarding her finances. As she gets a bit older I will allow her more freedom with her money, so that by the time she is ready to go out on her own she will have the ability to use her money wisely.

Elizabeth, who blows through money like it is water, has different system set up. I am giving her less money than the other children because her needs are less. I am also having her put her money into 3 mason jars: an emergency stash, a rainy day stash, and a spend my money right now stash.  25% of her money will go into her emergency stash every pay day, 50 % will go into the rainy day stash (which is for things like shoes, clothes, etc...), and 25% will go into the spend my money right now stash (which is going to be for things like movies, her junk snack, Chipotle, etc...).

Every parent wants their children to have an easier time than they did in life. I think we all want our children to not have to go through the same struggles that we did. I think that helping my children learn to be masters of their own money at an earlier age than adulthood will certainly be a step in the right direction.

GOD, JESUS, & ME

Like the marriage topic before this I have hesitated to write about God for so many reasons. Partly, because my relationship with God is really, really new. And partly because the word God, and all it conjures up, can be a really, really, polarizing topic. And because I am a people pleaser I want to avoid polarizing topics at all costs. But as time passes here and my relationship with God becomes more important I feel like I need to come out of the closet. (Funny I should use those words, I know, but they are accurate. I feel like I have been hiding my faith for fear of what others who knew me before would reject me or ridicule me somehow.)

I have long had  an indifferent relationship with God. I grew up in the Catholic church, but fell away from that during my teen years. I found the Catholic church hard to come to Christ in with all of its rituals and formalities. (There are others that I know who are truly devout Christians who find comfort in those same rituals, so its not a knock against that faith it just was not for me.) During the rest of high school and college I would have considered myself a lost soul in terms of any sort of relationship with God. I went to a community church youth group off and on during that time and I could feel the presence of God in the sanctuary where some of my best friends and I would sit in the balcony of the sanctuary during retreats and just talk. And I also felt God in the presence of nature. Always I have felt Him there.  Aside from those places though God was found in too few places in my life in those passing years. When I became a mother I thought about introducing my children to faith, but I wasn't sure where to turn. I knew that I did not want to attend the Catholic church and I also had seen the devastation that belonging to the "wrong" church can do as the family of a best friend of mine was torn apart by the dark side of religion. So, I would attend a service here or there. A lot of the time I would go to a Catholic church because it was what I knew and even though I could not really feel God's presence in those services I took comfort in the fact that I was "going to church". This went on this way for years and years. Always searching, but never finding anything.

And then Sarah got sick. God became my enemy. I swore I would fight Him until the day I died for doing this to Sarah. I swore that I would never believe in Him, would never follow Him, and would never allow his Son into my heart because he had hurt me in the worst way - he had hurt my child. He had turned my world upside and irrevocably changed not only my future, but my husband's, sons', and daughters' futures as well.

As Sarah's vision succumbed to this disease my anger subsided (although it was & is partially still there) and it was replaced by an unspeakable sorrow. It is a sorrow that can only be felt by those parents whose children's lives have been changed forever by illness or injury. It is deep and black and seemingly endless. It was in those times that I began to think about calling out to God for help. (Of course, I didn't at that time because my pride got in the way, but it was the first time since her diagnosis that I thought of God as something other than my enemy.)

When we moved to New Mexico I partially surprised by the amount of people who practice and live their faith. I knew that the population was largely Latino and that many of them are practicing Catholics, but I was surprised by the amount of faith that was shared by so many people outside of the Latino community. Jesus is rampant down here.

One of the first few times I climbed up A Mountain I sat at the top looking at the mountains before me and whispered to myself, "God, I want to feel you.". On cue, the wind blew. Gentle, but sure of itself. I closed my eyes and let the breeze blow for a minute or so and then it died down and did not return. I knew in that moment that our family's purpose for being down here was so that I could feel the presence of God in my everyday life.

I began going to different churches and settled on a large community church in town. The pastor is amazing and delivers sermons that touch my heart deeply. There has not been a service where I did not cry at some point because the message that is being delivered is so true to my life or what I need at that time that I feel as if the whole sermon was written just for me. It is powerful.

But I have always hesitated in letting Jesus into my heart because I didn't want to become an ugly Christian spewing hate to those who believed differently than myself. I didn't want to fall into the wrong faith and start alienating all of those around me because they are sinners. But you know what? I don't have to do those things because I am a sinner too. I have no fingers to point or judgement to pass because I am fallible too. Once I realized that not all Christians are these judgmental people - that that wasn't Jesus' point when he asked us to follow him and his Father - it dawned on me that maybe there was a place in my heart for Christ.

I went one afternoon, all by myself, to Soledad Canyon. I got down on my knees by a secret waterfall in the back of the trail and I asked God to allow Jesus to come into my heart. I asked Him to show me how to lead the kind of life that He would have me lead. I gave the control of my life(or am trying to) over to Him. I waited for some momentous feeling to wash over me. Nothing happened. I got up disappointed, feeling like I didn't do something quite right because I did not feel any different. Aren't you supposed to feel different when you ask Jesus to come into your life? There were no fireworks. No band. No angels in the heavens trumpeting their praise.  Nothing, but crickets.

As I was walking back down the mountain to the car I stopped for a moment and looked at the beautiful scenery around me. As I was taking it all in it was then that God spoke to me. Quietly, he whispered, "I was with you all this time." In an instant all of those times and moments and memories that I have of being in nature and being awed into silence flashed before my eyes. All of those times growing up feeling reverence for the world around me as I walked through the trees, or sat by a lake, or climbed a stream, or sat on the sandy shores of a bay, or hiked a mountain - God was with me. Nature has always been the one constant in my life. It was/is the one place where I have always found peace and tranquility. It is the one place where I have always found myself unguarded and open. God knew that I would not be open to Him in any other medium and so he decided to meet me at my level and show Himself to me through nature. How amazing is that?! It was then that I had my "come to Jesus moment". In that one moment I became a follower of Christ. It was by far one of the most powerful moments of my life. I will never, ever forget it.

So, what does that mean? What it means, to me, is that I want to try and live my life like Jesus did. Jesus did not condemn the weak, or the poor, or the prostitutes, or the outcasts. He befriended them. He lived his life humbly, purely, kindly. He walked lightly. He was an example to all on how to live a life of love.  And that is what I want to do. In today's world, I try to think about who Jesus would befriend if he came down to Earth today. I think that he would still befriend the poor, lame, weak, but I think he would also befriend homosexuals, prostitutes, drug addicts, and other people that the mainstream Christian population (and non Christian) deems unworthy. Does this mean that I think that Jesus would have condoned those behaviors? No, I don't think he would have and that is really, really hard for me to say because I did not always think that way. But he would have gathered around those people and befriended them much more quickly than someone who sits on their personal throne saying, "Well, at least I don't commit that sin." Because you know what? I don't know a lot about Jesus yet, but what I do know is that the self righteous, the haughty, and the finger pointers are some of the types of people that Jesus liked least.

Since coming to Christ I have found that the devil is working overtime to try to sway me to come back to the dark side. I have experienced feelings of self doubt, disorder, loneliness, unworthiness, etc...I know that these feelings are coming from one who is trying to shake my new faith. Being a Christian hasn't made my life any easier in terms of trials and tribulations, if anything it has made it harder. The difference is that I now know I am not alone. I have God on my side - as corny as that sounds.

My goal is to become as much like Jesus as I can. That is what a Christian looks like to me. An imperfect person in an imperfect world trying to live a life as close to Christ as possible. Amen.

Week 2 Shopping Trip on a Food Stamp Budget

Because of my overspending the day before (see here) what was once a $120 grocery budget for the week got whittled down to $85. Now, $80 last week was a novelty. I knew that I had food in the cupboards to back me up and I had no idea what that amount of money would get me so it was a fun kind of challenge.

This week I knew what $80 would get me. I knew the kids were on the verge of a civil war in this house pitting themselves against me if I came home with hay and straw again. (Which in their eyes is what the equivalent of what I was buying.) 

I had my list all prepared and then off I went. I did alright at Walmart. I spent only $35 and got several items that I needed such as organic unbleached white flour (which is $2.00 cheaper than the organic flour at Natural Grocers), lemons, cold brew iced tea, organic spinach, organic corn, distilled white vinegar (for cleaning and laundry), yeast, 4 cans of organic diced tomatoes, 5 lb bag of organic carrots, and 4 other items that I cannot remember. 

It was when I got to Natural Grocers that I had a problem. When I shop I always add up the total amount that I am spending in my head and I always round up each item so that I can easily keep track of what I am spending and then get to the check out counter and know that I have spent less than the total in my head. I knew that I had expensive items on my list such as butter, milk, chicken, and cheese. I was sweating it a bit because I knew that I would not be able to afford all of these items, but I also knew that my family needed to eat. 

I ended up putting back several items such as kale, a kiwi, and a grapefruit (which I was craving BIG time). I traded the gallon of milk for the 1/2 gallon. The 1lb of butter for the 1/2 lb. I only bought enough cheese for 1 dinner instead of two. I ended up paying $42 for my groceries, but walked out of the store feeling defeated because I knew that there was no way that I could get the rest of the items on my list for the week and still be able to buy the quality of foods that I want to feed my family. 

Here is what set me back this month - I started this adventure last week on July 3rd. In the two days prior I had already wasted around $40ish on food. That coupled with my crash and burn grocery run to Walmart with the kids two days ago added another $26 in wasteful spending. When you are trying to spend only $522 for the whole month for a family of 6 that $66 is a huge deal. 

For the month of July I have spent: $264. 90 out of $522. I have $257.10 left to spend to stay within budget and 19 days (including today) left in the month. 

This is where I am struggling: I know that I am going to spend more this month than the $522 because I am not willing to sacrifice the quality of food I buy. I feel guilt because a lot of this project was (and is) about trying to live on what a family on food stamps would have to live with. They don't have the extra money that I do to spend on food items when they go over budget. They just have to live with those consequences. And in reality I could still stay within that budget if I wanted to sacrifice the quality of food I buy, but I don't want to. Pure and simple. I don't want to and I don't have to and therefore I won't. I feel terrible about that. 

So my challenge has changed a bit this month. I am going to try to stay at close to the $522 that I can. Even if I spend $600 that is $600-$800 less than I spent last month on food. Which is a huge deal! Plus, $600 is a lot closer to my goal of $522 than I was spending in prior months as well. I think I can get to that amount if I really try hard. I just need to learn a few things first. After years of gluttonous spending I am not going to be perfect right off of the bat, but I sure am going to try and try again until I get to that amount. 

Stay tuned....

My Great Grocery Blunder & The Kids Revolt

Up until yesterday I had been doing well with my grocery budget. Then my kids revolted.

Here's how it all went down:

Bob left yesterday for Ohio for a business/pleasure trip. I started this week with him 1700 miles away with my "ability to be a sane mama and person' tank on minus zero because he has been working so much that I haven't had time to fill my tank, so I knew that in order to still have four living children by the end of the day I would need to try and find some way to recharge. I knew that I was only going to be able to fill the tank up so far as I was lugging all of the kids with me (and normally I need to be able to venture out on my own for a couple of hours on a regular basis), but when you are below empty any amount of recharging time is welcomed regardless of its quality.

We decided to head up to Cloudcroft. We had been there once before in the winter and it was beautiful. I had heard that the weather was much cooler up there because the elevation is so high and the thought of hiking through a pine forest seemed like just the thing I needed. (We were going to go to a town called Ruidoso which is at an even higher elevation than Cloudcroft but decided against it as we wanted to experience that town for the first time with Bob with us.)

I had packed some snacks for us to eat along the way as well as some leftovers. I stopped at a health food store called Natural Grocers because I wanted to pick up an apple for each of us (went ended up buying a few extra things as well which broke about 3 of my shopping rules: thou shall shop alone, thou shall shop with cash, and thou shall shop on a full stomach). The kids were pissing and moaning over the snacks I brought, which included things like celery with peanut butter, carrot and plain celery sticks, almonds, walnuts, salsa & chips, and our apples. I stood firm and told them that this was the way we were eating right now and that they could either be grumpy about it or they could eat what I brought and be happy. (Hunger took over and they ate and were quiet, but not happy. Which I could care less about because quiet = happy for me in my desperately needed recharged psyche.)

We got up to the spot where we chose to hike and I immediately felt a sense of calm. I know that I sound like a crazy person when I talk about the way I feel at peace in a forest, but it is true. The cool air (it was about 70ish degrees up there) was amazing and the kids and I were actually chilly in the shorts and tank tops we wore. There were flowers everywhere and of course, my beloved trees. Why I have waited approximately 6 months to come back to this heaven on earth that is relatively close to my home (about 90 minutes) is beyond me.

I caught Lily in the midst of sitting down, not pooping. 

I would describe each flower to Sarah and then she would use her hands to see it. 

This part of an old railway that was built in 1899. It was used until 1947, and then collapsed in 1960. It was pretty cool to see. 

We were only there for about an hour and a half because the kids started to complain that they wanted to go out to dinner to which I promptly shut them down and told them that it was not in our budget this month. (Normally, we would have eaten out.) Which then prompted questions such as: Why was I trying to starve them? How long was I going to do this food budget for? Why couldn't they have junk food? What point was I trying to make in living on such a limited food budget? And on and on it went...which did wonders for that below empty emotional tank that I was trying to partially refill.

Another reason we were only there for such a short time was that it was exhausting hiking with my beautiful blind daughter. There is so much that goes into taking care of a child that is abled differently. There are so many little pieces that go into our every day lives that most people don't even think would be a problem. As much as I try very hard to not let all of those little details exhaust me the fact of the matter is that they do. It doesn't help when she starts to complain about how much she wants to be done and blah, blah, blah. I am not trying to sound like a harsh parent, but the fact of the matter is that I am not going to ever exclude Sarah in what we are doing, and just about everything that we do is harder for her because she is blind. I get it. Truly, I do. Hiking here is hard. The trails aren't paved and nice and smooth. They are rocky and bumpy and go up and down sometimes steeply. But, again, when mama's trying to sharpen the saw and all four kids are complaining about food and then about how hard hiking is I knew it was time to cut the trip short or I would be coming home with just the dogs.

By this time in our journey nature is no longer having its soothing effects on me. Instead I am trying to come up with what I am going to feed these heathen children of mine because I haven't had a chance to grocery shop for the week yet. In a weak moment, I gave in and told the kids that I would take them to the store to buy whatever junk they wanted to eat for dinner. (I said some other things too, but those will remain out of this blog as they may or may not be appropriate for all viewing audiences.)

And so that is what we did. I dropped off the dogs. Hauled 3 of the 4 kids with me to Walmart and let them pick out what they wanted to eat. This is what our receipt showed:

Walmart Tater Puffs
Tortilla Chips
Great Value Potato Chips
Ketchup
Packaged Salad (the completely not nutritious iceberg lettuce kind)
Cheese Sauce (for the tortilla chips. Why they even call it cheese is beyond me.)
Knorr's Teryaki Noodles x2
Knorr's Spanish Rice
Red Barron Pizza x2 (the smaller individual round pizza kind)
Glue Stick (not to eat. Although if I had been smarter I would have used it to glue their mouths shut last night. Yes, it was a classic night.)

Do you know what the total was for all of this junk?! $26.52!!!! That is almost 2 days of my food budget spent on 1 meal. And the worst part about it is that I let everyone cook all of their stuff and then more than 1/2 of it wasn't eaten and was thrown out this morning. (Because the maid did not show up last night to clean up after dinner. Damn her! And my thoughtful children were too tired to clean up after themselves because their mean mother had dragged them on a hike earlier in the day.) Talk about waste.

So, instead of having a $120 budget to grocery ship with this morning I had an $85.00 budget to shop with. (I spent around $8.50 in the morning on our groceries to take with us to Cloudcroft.) I really screwed myself by caving in to those dear lovely children of mine. (Insert sarcasm here.)

Lesson learned.

My grocery budget is too skinny to allow for indulgences such as that, and as with everything in life, I learned it the hard way. Next month (because I am committed to try this plan for several months. The kids are going to love that news -bwahahahaha) I will not allow for that to happen.

Tomorrow I will share with you how today's weekly shopping went, how much I spent, and what I learned this week with my self imposed food stamp budget.