Marriage

I have been toying with writing about this topic for quite a while, but wasn't sure I really wanted to 'go there'. But then I began think about how I have exposed myself in some pretty honest and brutal ways before, so why keep this topic off of the table?

I have been struggling big time lately with loneliness. Sure, I have some people here that I can hang out with and whom I really, really like. And I have friends back in Ohio that I could call in a moments notice and know that I could talk to about anything under the sun. I have a soul sister in the Boston area who would do anything she could for me at any time. But even with all of these wonderful people, it really wouldn't help too much because I am not in need of my friends I am in need of my husband.

Bob and I have been two peas in a pod since we were 18. We met as freshmen in college and were almost inseparable from day 1. We dated on and off that first year we knew each other and even when we weren't dating officially we were together constantly which felt like we were still dating. We just gravitated towards each other. He was the only person that I wanted to be with and the only person that really mattered. Sure, we had friends and created memories outside of each other, but in reality we both just really wanted to be together. That was where we had our best times. It didn't matter what we were doing as long as we were together. Anything could be fun.

After a couple of years of dating we had our oldest son, Andy. We then got married, had three more children, got our degrees, Bob got his MBA, and we created a life together. For better and for worse it has always been him and me. Nothing has been handed to us. We built our life brick by brick and step by step with our heads down towards the ever blowing wind each of us pushing forward a little bit at a time knowing the kind of life we wanted to create.

And we did. And we are still.

But sometimes along the way there have been road blocks and speed bumps that have made one of us or both of us pause and reflect on where we are going. Sometimes, we like what we see, and we keep pushing forward. Sometimes, like now, there are things that are happening that aren't in line with the expectations and the life that we have set out to build.

Bob is working constantly. He is gone from the home so much that I feel like a single parent. My kids, desperately needing the father that they are used to having around, seem to either clamor for his attention or act like he doesn't even exist. A lot of the time lately, the girls see him for about 45 minutes a day. My boys, depending on how late they are willing to stay up, can spend a little bit of extra time with him. Which leaves very little or no time for me to connect with him. We touch base on the things that I need to pass along to him such as changes in Sarah's condition or who is having what issue or some other important information, but other than we are two ships passing in the night.

I know that many people would walk  away in this situation. It is easy to let the distance become so much that each partner grows on his/her own. It is easy to become so far apart that coming together again seems like an impossibility. Sometimes it seems easier to let each person in the union walk separately towards his/her own point of no return rather than turning around to focus on becoming one again.

But that is marriage. When we said our vows we committed to a life that included for better and for worse. Marriage is the commitment that you make to someone when you are all googly eyes at them for the times when googly eyes are non-existent. Marriage is the promise that even when is seems like it would be easier to create separate lives away from each other you stay the course. Because I know that even though I miss my husband fiercely and even when I feel so utterly alone and apart from him I know that I will not walk away from this life we have built. We are a team. I also know that the 'for worse' promise in marriage doesn't last forever. It lasts for a season and then we will create the part of our marriage that is the 'for better' part. It is those times that will carry us through these times. It is the 'for worse' and 'for better' times that build the house called marriage one brick layer at a time. For me, that house is worth fighting for with all of my might. That house is a temple built with sweat, tears, sometimes anger, love, and a deep abiding commitment to see if through to the end.

I know that he is working so hard right now because he wants to get us closer to our family & friends. We live too far away from those we love the most. I know that he wants to climb the corporate latter to provide for not only our family, but for those that we love. It was what our plan always has been. I have always felt a sense of duty to take care of those around me. It is my job as the oldest and it is my job as a daughter, sister, friend.

I knew going into this job and this move that as we made the choices to climb higher and higher in corporate America that it would require sacrifice. That it would mean for him more time away from us. I agreed to this wholeheartedly. I wanted it with every part of my being. It was a part of our plan - a part of our success story. Here we were just two young kids 15 years ago becoming parents before we thought we were ready easily becoming a statistic of poverty and divorce defying the odds and becoming successful in every sense of the word.

How much though am I willing to sacrifice? How much does material success mean to me? How much does the pull to provide for my extended family matter? Those are the questions that I am facing now. Because I do not know if having Bob gone 10+ hours a day most days of the week and traveling on business are worth it. How big of a house do we really need? How much money is enough in the bank account?

When does the cost of all of  those things pale in comparison to children to need quality time with their father? And a wife who desperately needs to reconnect with her best friend? I don't have any answers right now other than I will not walk away. I will keep my head down and get through this time 1 step at a time just like we have with every other difficult thing we have encountered. Because that is what we have always done. In the end, it will all be okay.