Growing Teenagers

I am lucky enough that my two boys are now in their teens. When I first began my parenting journey I thought that I would dread the teenage years. After all, aren't they supposed to be filled with hormonal, moody, sullen, secretive, disrespectful heathens? Bob and I would joke about how hard life was going to get after Elizabeth was born once they were all in their teens at 19, 17, 15, and 13.
After having two of those ages (15 & 13) living in this house I do believe that it isn't going to be as hard as I thought. In fact, having teenagers in my home is pretty cool. I like having conversations with my boys especially when they have an opposing point of view. I love watching the young men they are growing into. I look forward to my girls becoming young women as well for the same reasons.

If you are getting ready for the teen years in your home here are some things that have worked for us that you may want to consider for yourselves:

Have an open dialogue with them - always. 

My boys (and girls) know that they can come to me and talk to me about anything. and I mean anything. Kids are curious. They hear things from their friends or older friends' siblings. They hear things that other adults are talking about. They are going to develop questions that they are going to want answers to. If you turn them away or make them feel uncomfortable about coming to you they will seek out another source to find their answers - even if they are not the correct ones. My boys and I have talked about everything from drugs and addiction to sex and all of  "bases" and what they mean. We have discussed the small things and the big things. No question is ever off limits in this house. And my kids know it. Because of this I feel that there is very little that they keep from me. (Do they tell me everything? No, of course not. That is part of being a child and part of growing up. Do I think that they tell me most everything? I know they do.)

Model the behavior you want them to display themselves.

We often think that when kids are littler it is more important to model good behavior like no swearing or lying, etc... BUT I think that those behaviors are equally important as they become teenagers and young adults. Teenagers want to know that the parent that they were shown as children is the same parent, character wise, that they see as teens. I am by no means perfect, but what this shows my kids is that they don't have to be perfect either. I am quick to apologize to them when I make a mistake with them. That is important too. I really try to make sure that my language is clean around my kids and that I am honest not only with them, but in the situations that we are in together. For example, I do not lie about their ages - EVER - to get them into a movie, or amusement park, or drive in theater, just to get them in for a discounted price. I cannot ask my kids to be honest and then myself not be honest especially in situations like the example provided. It creates confusion in teenagers and sends the message that it is okay to lie sometimes. Then they turn around and start lying to you when it benefits them just like you did when it benefited you a couple of bucks to get them into the movie at cheaper kids price.

Spend time with them.

Bob and I really try to spend time with our boys to connect with them. Bob does a great job of playing basketball with them or video games or exercising with them. I try to check in with them everyday and spend some time alone each of them even if it is only for a few minutes. It lets my boys know that Bob and I value them. It also helps us to know them better. Sometimes in those few minutes of talking, on my busy days when that is all that I have, I learn more about something going on in their lives than during the times that I spend much more time with them. (Other times it's vice versa.) Sometimes we talk about nothing, but just sit together each reading a book in my room or we will play a card game or a board together.  I want my kids to feel valued. We can do that by giving them our time.

Limit Electronics.

I know this one is not going to be popular, but it is something that is very important in our house and we have seen the positive results from limiting usage. My boys don't have cell phones, iPads, Facebook pages, email accounts, Instagram, or any other chat/picture thing. As far as Bob and I are concerned there is no need for those things. We have a family iPad that we all use. Each of the boys has an iPod and that is it. I am firm believer in no Facebook pages and all of the like because we adults show time and time again that WE cannot handle these technologies, so how are we supposed to unleash our teenagers, who are mentally still maturing, to these things?  I always tell my boys "sight unseen" which means once you see something you cannot unsee it. So things like pornography (a.k.a. selfies in some situations), vicious rumors that are placed online, bullying, etc...are not things that my kids can just get out of their minds once exposed to them. How can I talk to my boys about respecting the opposite sex when these girls themselves are posting pictures online that are anything, but self respecting? (And yes, I know it goes both ways, but because I only have teenage boys right now my main focus in on them.) That isn't good exposure for them and it is counterculture to what we are trying to teach them at home.  Also, once kids post stuff online it is out there forever.  What if someone hacked into Facebook or Instagram or any other "private" media and exposed all of the pictures and postings of these kids? That is the world we live in. And we adults know how much those types of things pull us away from what is really important: family & friends in the flesh. The good thing is because I have explained my stance on electronics I don't really get too much push back. Does this mean that my boys will never have these things? No, but I am going to hold off on them for as long as Bob and I feel that they are unnecessary.

Remember that you are building a foundation for a lifetime of living. That foundation takes longer than just the toddler years or the pre-adolescent years. Building a strong foundation takes until kids are ready to leave their home. This is a much bigger investment than a lot of us are putting in and we are seeing the results from this : and they are not good.