Monday, January 26, 2015

The Way It Is Right Now

I had a huge checklist of things to do today. Blogging was one of them. I don'l like that I have blogging as a chore to be completed. That doesn't feel right to me.  I have been away for a while, I know. Part of it was because of a two week trip back to Ohio, but the other part was because I needed the break from my partial obsession with my blog.

We had a good time in Ohio. It was great to see family and friends. There were definite highlights and some bummers too, but that is how I imagine every trip back will be. I was very anxious to go back because we had not been away for very long. I was so glad the kids got to see their very best friends. It meant so much to them and for that alone I would have made the trip a million times over. I know that I have always stressed family first, but I am wondering if my views on that are changing? What if family first could actually encompass those that you love as much as family, but aren't actually related by blood? I never really thought that was possible before. I am beginning to see things a bit differently. I will share more of my thoughts on that over time as I have the ability to roll some of my thoughts around in my own head.

Sarah is not doing well. What little vision that she had left is slowly leaving her. She has not had a relapse since last July, and it tore me apart when she began one a couple of days before we were scheduled to leave for Ohio. She got in and saw Dr. Locastro while we were in Ohio (God, I love that man!) and is going to see a pediatric neurologist here tomorrow to try and keep the tiniest bit of vision she has left. I am torn into a million pieces right now. I cannot talk about her situation any more than what I have provided above because it upsets me so much. I will share more as I am able. For now, just keep her in your prayers. Keep me in them too because I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I feel lost and overwhelmed when it comes to caring for her.

A relative emailed me after reading one of my blogs and mentioned in the kindest and most sincere way that I am too hard on myself. I agree with her, but I don't where know the line is between being too hard on myself and trying to improve my imperfections. I need to reflect on that more. That, too, I will have to write more about later.

I don't know where this blog is going to head. I have been at this point before - where I have been away for a bit and liked being away, but at the same time felt that I wasn't done writing. Knowing me I will probably pick up writing regularly again tomorrow. Unpredictable is what I am - just one of my quirks I suppose.

So, that's it. That all that I have for you right now. This is just the way it is - I have a lot going on in my brain, but little to write about.




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