The Air I Breathe - Another Update on Sarah

My family is my life. My children and husband are the air I breathe. They are my sunrise and sunset. They are my joy and center of gravity. They are my heart and they are my soul.

Tonight my sister has taken my three unhospitalized children to her home. She is trying help alleviate some of the stress of having to manage a family life both at home and in the hospital. My sister is a wonderful woman who knows just when to step in, and always seems to know when I need her help the most without my ever having to ask. I owe a lot to her, and my words will never be able to express the gratitude I feel in my heart towards her.

Sarah had a rough day at the hospital. Probably one of the hardest she has had among all 4 of her hospital stays within the past 5 months. She endured a 3, not one or two, but three hour MRI - unsedated. I have never been in the room with her for her MRI's (including today she has had a total of 3). Bob is usually the one to go with her, but today he had to work so I had to take her. If you have never been in the room with a child while she is going through an MRI count yourself as one lucky person. I can honestly say it is like living in hell, but on earth. The sounds are horrendous and so loud. It is like a constant jack hammer sound for most of the process. She could not move, and had a contraption over her head the entire time that was like having a box with eye holes over your head within inches of your skin - and Sarah endured this, without complaint, for THREE hours. Let me remind you - she is 8 years old. I wanted to scream and cry while I sat there with her, and I wanted more than anything to be able to take her place and take this burden off of her shoulders.  To make it my own. Not a peep from her. The staff was blown away by her patience and her grace. I wanted to scream at them all that if they EVER try and give her another MRI without sedating her first they better think again because it is not happening. The thing about having such a "good" patient is that doctors and nurses try to get as much out of them as possible. I think that they push too hard sometimes because they know they have a compliant patient. Sarah was beat when she was done with her MRI.

After it was over we had to wait 20 minutes for someone to wheel her back to her room. (I am not allowed to do this for liability reasons.) Instead of going back to her room to take a much needed break that we both so desperately sought we were immediately whisked away to her ophthalmologists office where her doctor could clearly see was beat. Rather than run her through a battery of tests, Dr. Locastro decided to just do the bare minimum of tests to get the information that he needed. I was so grateful to him for that decision. Sarah was even more grateful.

She came back from that appointment, and having been gone from her room for 4 1/2 hours going through test after test after test took a nap. Her spirit was zapped today, and I could see this disease was taking its toll on her mental health. She cried tonight when she received her Benedryl via IV. Bendryl is known to burn when it is entering your body because of its potency. She has to take it to keep the side effects of the IVIG at a minimum. This was the final straw for her. As she fell asleep while getting her IVIG treatment I could see the sadness in her eyes and the weariness in her heart. It was so hard to witness. She has been such a fighter throughout this whole thing. Such a trooper. The day got the best of her. It wore her down, and depleted all of her strength.

Her eyesight is not coming back like it should. Her left and right eye are at 20/100. We are all hoping it is just taking the medication a little bit longer to kick in. Tonight was her last steroid treatment. She has two days left of her IVIG treatment. On a good note - her the MRI of her spine came back with no lesions on it. Now we are just waiting to see if she has developed new lesions on her brain. If there are no new lesions then this episode will be a continuation of her initial exacerbation. This would a good thing. If there are new lesions found on her brain (we should have the results tomorrow morning) then this will mean that this is a second episode. A new episode so close to the first one would mean that she may have a more rare type of MS that is not so kind, and does very ugly things to ones body and mind very quickly. I will not allow myself to go there because the horror of that type of MS cannot be allowed to happen to my sweet Sarah. So, I will maintain hope - it is all I have anymore - that no new lesions will be found. Until I hear otherwise this is the only option for her, for all of us.

Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day. It has to be. She is looking forward to seeing her siblings and her two cousins so much. She loves to be with them. Her friend is also scheduled to stop by tomorrow evening.

I am finding it hard to breathe with my family scattered here and there.  Bob is staying with Sarah tonight in the hospital. I am home with Lily (the dog) and the emptiness of my home is depleting me of my spirit. I long for Sunday night when everyone will be tucked into their beds, and all will be accounted for in my home.  My sun and moon are hidden behind clouds right now. My center of gravity feels off kilter. My heart and soul ache more than you can imagine.

Worries of the Day

I woke up this morning before my alarm with a pit of nerves sitting in my stomach. I am worried about so much today that I feel as if my brain is about to explode.

I am worried about, Sarah, of course.

About the other kids and how they are holding up. 

That I will not have the mental strength to sit through a 2-3 hour MRI with Sarah today.

What the MRI might find. 

I am worried that her neurologist will push for drugs like Avonex even harder if her MRI comes back with new lesions.

That if I tell him 'no thanks' once again to drugs such as these for Sarah that he will try and take my daughter away from me for being an unfit parent.

I am worried that things will never settle down for long enough for me to come up with a game plan for her and the care her father and I would like to give her.

I am more worried that she will lose her vision permanently, and that her world, as she puts it, will indeed go black.

I am worried that I will let this disease eat away at my soul, and make me a bitter person.

I am worried that I will start judging people even more than I do now - wondering why they can't/don't have a disease like MS, and Sarah does.

I am worried that Sarah will become bitter herself.

I am worried that I am not strong enough to be able to carry out family through this disease day in and day out for the rest of our lives.

I am worried that a cure will never be found.

Losing This Battle with MS - An Update on Sarah

Sarah has been hospitalized again. We are losing this battle with stabilizing Sarah's vision, but we will not lose the war on this disease.I KNOW that although MS has gotten Sarah down for the count yet again, it will not beat us in the end.

 She will be at Akron Children's Hospital until late Saturday night or early Sunday morning undergoing both a steroid treatment (3 days) and an IVIG treatment (5 days). Her spirits are pretty good, and she (as always) has been a wonderful patient. The nursing staff is in love with her. (Who wouldn't be?)

We noticed a difference in her vision in the last couple of weeks. Little things like not being able to tell the color of a shirt and her rubbing her eyes more often than normal. She had a regularly scheduled visit with Dr. Locastro (an AMAZING doctor), her ophthalmologist, last Wednesday, so we waited until then to talk to him about our concerns rather than make an emergency appointment when we first started noticing problematic symptoms. He ran the usual gamut of tests and found that her vision had deteriorated in her right eye.(It was testing in at 20/60 - which is normally when she is hospitalized) Her vision in her left eye was 20/30 - which is the best it has been since her diagnosis. Dr. Locastro advised us to follow up with him in two weeks rather than admit her to see if the Optic Neuritis would calm itself down on its own. We were grateful that he did not admit her, but rather let her come home. She had a pretty normal Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of last week. There were some signs here and there that all was not well with her vision, but nothing extremely severe. Sarah was able to trick or treat with her siblings on Saturday. Sunday is when it hit her again. She woke up with black spots in her eyes and very blurry vision. By Monday night she could no longer see more than a foot in front of her, and her handwriting on paperwork for school was pretty bad. Dr. Locastro squeezed us in for an appointment at noon yesterday, and her vision in both eyes was drastically worse. I do not know what her right eye ended up testing at. I know that her left eye was coming in at 20/100, and that was the better of the two eyes. She was immediately admitted to Akron Children's.

She will be having an MRI tomorrow to determine if this downward spiral of events is another exacerbation or if this is just a continuation of the Optic Neuritis from her first episode last May. Dr. Locastro seems to think it is a continuation from her first episode because her vision has never been fully restored since May 18th. Dr.'s are puzzled as to why her Optic Neuritis keeps switching eyes. It normally takes hold of one eye, not both, and then get better over time. It does not switch eyes and then get better and worse and better and worse. Those overseeing Sarah's case seem puzzled by this series of events.  I am hoping this is just a continuation of her first relapse because a person's first two after diagnosis are critical in determining how severe her MS will be over the course of her lifetime. The more episodes (or relapses or exacerbations - take your pick) a person has the more likely he will have a tougher time with the disease. The less frequently he relapses the kinder the disease seems to be to him over the course of his life. It would not be very good if Sarah is having exacerbation after exacerbation - especially since she is so young.

Her MRI is going to be done while she is awake, and it is a full scan. She will be undergoing a 2-3 hour MRI without being sedated. I asked her if she would like to be put under since she has had an MRI done both ways, and she chose to be awake. She is truly a trooper.

Every night for the next several nights she will be hooked up to intravenous drugs for about 3 hours while both the steroids and the IVIG slowly make their way into her body. She is so brave. I honestly think she is one of the bravest kids out there - bar none.

When she is released from the hospital she will be on an extremely long taper from the steroids. Doctors are hoping that this will kick the Optic Neuritis out of her body for good.

Her biggest fear is that she will lose her vision completely. She has told me on more than one occasion that she is afraid her world will go black forever. The pain those thoughts cause my heart are truly indescribable.

The kids came up to see Sarah for several hours today. The day was beautiful, and we spent about 3 hours outside in an amazing grassy area outside of the hospital. She was missing the kids terribly, and couldn't wait to see them today. I am so glad that I homeschool them, so that they all have the opportunity to be together in situations like this. There honestly won't be much traditional school work done this week - we will have to make it up during the school year - but the kids will all be together as much as possible. What better lesson is there than knowing that you can count on your siblings through thick and thin? For this week school may not be traditional, but lessons are still being learned.

 I am so glad that we have been spending as much time as we have been outside with each other as a family. I was wondering if we were doing the right thing spending our days so untraditionally, and now I know that those moments - those days - were spent exactly as they should have been. The moment I knew that she was going to be admitted I was so happy that we have been spending time out side laughing and playing, and being a family. Making memories as a family that is what this life is all about. There is nothing like illness to point your heart to true north, and to what really matters in this world.

As always I will keep you all updated. For those of you who have children - hug them for me - and if you have healthy children - give thanks for that because you are luckier than you may realize.

Imagine

Imagine...

A world where children don't get sick with scary diseases

A world in which 8 year old little girls don't get diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.

A world in which those same little girls don't have to wake up each and every morning and wonder if they are going to be able to see that day, and if so to what extent. 

Imagine...

A world in which my daughter isn't afraid every morning that today is the day that she is not going to be able to see anymore. 

That today her world will turn all black.

Imagine...

A day when she will never have to wake up crying in the morning because her legs are hurting her - another effect of MS.

Where the muscles in her legs are not constricting to the point that it makes anything - sitting, standing, walking painful. 

Imagine...

A world in which companies are working just as hard on finding a cure for MS as they are for treatments for those currently living with the disease. 

A world in which the focus on children with MS is on equal footing with adults with MS.

As I imagine these things I begin to hope for these things. Sarah has shown me time and time again in the 5 months since her diagnosis that hope is beautiful gift. A treasure that really can make things come true. 

The Losing Weight Blues

Last week when I wrote about losing weight, my sister-in-law was on her way to California for a business meeting. When she landed at LAX she saw my buddy Bob Harper. So, I took this to mean that Bob was going to be out of town for the week on his own business trip therefore there was no possible way he could meet me in my living room for our morning workouts. I mean, how could he possibly be in two places at once, right? So, I let him (and his DVD) collect dust on my living room TV stand. Bad choice.

I decided that in order to lose weight I needed to gain a few more pounds (sound logic, right?) so I gorged myself on my kids candy stash this weekend. I ate apply pie and lasagna. I had all sorts of good treats throwing not only my desire to eat healthy, but also my desire to not eat animal products out the window completely.  What was I thinking?!  So this morning after a bad nights sleep because I was so anxious about Bob kicking my butt this morning I put in his DVD, and we met face to face for the first time in many, many months. I felt like cursing his sweet face as he smoothly walked me through a portion of his "beginners workout" (he is a fibber - there is no way I would classify this workout video as beginner - more like super advanced - at least that is what it felt like to this fat person). I didn't complete the whole video, and I am okay with that. Just putting it on 4 times a week and making progress until I am able to do the whole thing is good enough for me.

The beginning stages of losing weight are hard. You just have to start doing it, and know that if you truly stick to whatever your plan is it will work. You don't have the luxury of telling yourself that you don't want that bagel with cream cheese because you just lost 20 lbs - nope - you just have to tell yourself that you don't want that bagel with cream cheese because in 4 months of making choices like this you will have lost 20 lbs. It is hard to bank on future weight loss by making good choices now. Especially when those choices are so tantalizing. It is also hard to tell yourself that even though your body aches and you are sweating like a pig after 5 minutes of a Bob Harper workout DVD that eventually this will get easier, and you may even come to enjoy it (or maybe not). Eventually, you will be able to get through the whole thing, and maybe even start to do one of his harder workouts. Eventually, your arms will be muscular, and your legs will be too. Eventually, but not now. You must put in the time first, and then see the results. I sometimes wish it was the other way around. Show me the results first, and then I will work my butt off. No can do.  Oh, the joys of reality.

 I started to read a book last night, and I couldn't put it down until the wee hours of the morning after I had finished its last page. It is called, "The Shift: How I Finally Lost Weight and Discovered a Happier Life", by Tory Johnson. Now, normally I don't even pick up these kinds of books because I think that they are all filled with crap and one type of lose weight fast scheme or another. This book was totally different. This book was about this particular woman's weight loss transformation using nothing other than eating better than she was before and exercising. Her book was written over the course of 1 year, and she lost 62 lbs over that time. This number is an astonishing number, but the even cooler thing is that this means that she lost, on average, around 5 lbs a month. This is a very doable number. This is a sane number that I could accomplish too. She wasn't promoting any diet. She was just talking about her struggle both physically and mentally to lose weight and to keep it off. There were so many parts in her book that I could relate too, and I think that a lot of other people can too. I highly recommend this book to anyone looking to make real changes in their lives.

Some of the things that she talks about in her book are being willing to be very strict with herself at first because of her tendency to not know how or when to say 'no' to certain foods. So, for example, when out at a dinner party she would only eat the healthy things that were on her acceptable food list like veggies and salad. She wouldn't allow herself even one treat because she new, in the beginning, that as soon as she had one treat she would have two, then 3, and so on. I can relate to that because I too, have trouble just having one portion of something. I have no idea how to have a portion of almost anything for that matter which is partially why I am fat, and need to lose a good bit of weight. For her, losing weight was about a mindset. It was about caring more about feeling good on the inside, and looking good on the outside, than about wanting to taste that chocolate cake. Her weight loss journey was not easy, and she never makes it out to be so. In fact it is grueling because she is not just shedding pounds she is shedding a mindset. That is the real challenge when trying to lose weight.


Losing weight is hard. The thought process behind doing it is very simple - you eat less calories than you burn and the fat will come off, but applying those concepts is very hard. Let's face it, most of us aren't overweight just because we eat too much - we are overweight because of some emotional issues that triggers us to eat too much. Some of us may be bored eaters. Some maybe anxious eaters. Some of us are sad or angry eaters. Some, like me, fall into an 'all the above' category. I, just like Tory, will need to take things one day at a time, one meal at a time even. The slow, even pace of this process will eventually add up. I know this because I have done it before. Losing 35 lbs was both hard and easy, and I know that I can lose the rest of the weight (plus a bit I gained back from my original loss). I am going to give myself 1 year to lose 40 lbs. I am going to do this by eating real foods that are as animal free as I can make them, tracking what I eat every day, and by moving my booty one way or another 4 days a week. My reasons for doing this are because I am tired of being fat, tired of my doctor telling me I need to lose weight, tired of not being able to go into any store I choose and buy a pair of pants. I am tired to having to go to the fat people's section of the store to get my clothes. I am tired of being worried about weather my jeans will zip up that particular day. I am tired of being tired and having little energy. I am tired of telling my husband that 'this' time is going to work because of blah, blah, blah reason. I am just going to do it little by little step by step.  I am going to chronicle the ups and downs of this journey with you, so I hope you can bare with me as I go through this process. Ready? Set? Go!

A Day of Fun at Ramseyer Farm

Every year I look forward to going to Ramseyer Farm in the fall to pick pumpkins and enjoy their corn mazes. (They have the best mazes that I have found by far.) The kids love all of the other activities that they offer as well. We tried to pick a time when we didn't think it would be too busy, but where we could also get the best bang for our buck. (I find that for a family of 6 the price of admission is pricey especially when the farm is only opened for a few hours during the week days. The price goes up on weekends, and with the crowds increasing as well I thought we could get a better deal if we went during the week even though they are only open from 3-7 pm.

So, off we went to enjoy an afternoon of fun.

Off we go to begin our adventure! (I allowed the kids to get a box of "fruit" snacks as a special treat. They were so excited to have this "luxury" item.)

This smile and the laughter that accompanied it means more to me now than I ever thought was possible. Sarah had just come down a huge slide that lands in a pile of corn kernels. The slide is super fast. 

Miss Elizabeth enjoying the giant pumpkin.

The kids playing one of the many games the farm has set up.

I thought that this music garden was a great idea. There were metal spoons attached that you could use to create a musical sound. If I could sell my house anytime soon I would love to create something like this in my next home.

The weather was a beast at times. It would fluctuate between sunshine and hard snow at the drop of a hat. Here the kids and I were enjoying a racetrack the farm had set up. 

These slides were amazing. They were so much fun! 

The boys kept racing each other down the slide.

The loves of my life. Me and Josh

Andy and Me

Sarah & Me

Elizabeth & Me

There were these really cool underground tunnels set up that the kids could explore. 

My crew had a lot of fun playing tag and hide & seek in them.

Next we all attempted the barrel roll. Josh found laying down in his  tube helpful in recharging his battery. 

The girls had a system of their own in which one of them would push the other. They each took turns being the one to lie down. 

Even I attempted to roll my own tube, and after a bit of trouble getting started I was finally able to move it from one end of the track to the other. 

Success!

Andy and Josh feeding the goats. 

All of the kids racing their ducks. This was a really cool activity. 

Josh, using the book provided above, played a rousing rendition of 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' on the colored pipes provided. 

Andy trying his hand at musical pots. 

The pumpkin patch was probably 4 times the size of what is shown here. It was HUGE. By this time in our visit the snow was coming down pretty hard. You can kind of see the flecks in the picture, and even though they don't look too bad it was no fun by this point. We were wet & cold. Time to go home. 

Weight Loss - Time to Get the Ball Rolling Again

About a year ago I began a weight loss journey that helped me to shed about 35 lbs. I became a vegan, and began exercising. When I first welcomed physical activity into my life I started out by walking the dog on a 2 mile loop around my house several times a week, and eventually I began renting Bob Harper videos from the library. But then Bob (the husband) came home from his work assignment in Chicago, and for whatever reason I stopped working out completely and I began to "sneak" animal products back into my life. Well, obviously I started to gain some of that weight back. I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and it was revealed to me that I have gained back 15 of those 35 lbs that I had worked so hard to get off. I also saw a couple of pictures of myself at my peak weight loss yesterday while going through photos at my moms house, and realized just how far up the scale I have moved. So, in an effort to lose the 25-35 pounds that my doctor recommends I lose to be super healthy I am going to get back on the horse and just do it (as Nike would say).  t I am going to track my weight loss, and post the number of lbs I have lost each week on this blog to try and motivate myself to stay on track. If I lost a bunch of weight once I know that I can do it again. I am nervous about my first date with Bob (Harper) as he really knows how to make me sweat and cry and feel like I am dying, but he also knows how to help me lose weight. When I am on my game, Bob and I are pretty tight. I have tried other workout videos and no one else motivates me quite like him. So, it is time to begin my weekly dates with Bob and get this weight off for good. I think husband would appreciate it too!

Odds & Ends

We just finished up school work - yes, I know it is 9 pm Eastern Time, but one of the benefits of homeschooling is that you don't have to do school work during traditional school hours. We enjoyed the day outside, in the woods, as has been the case for more days than not these past several weeks. It was nice to feel the sunshine on our faces one last time before it hides away until the spring. Late fall/winter are notorious in this part of the country for being cloudy and gray for what seems like months on end. I wanted our family to soak up as much natural vitamin D as possible before having to rely solely on supplements to get us our fair share of such an important nutrient. The fall leaves are beautiful right now, and I am hoping to be able to get everyone outside as many times as possible before they all fall to the ground.

We have two showings tomorrow for our house. I dread these now, as so many have already come through only to determine that our house is not for them. I wonder if anyone will want our home. I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if we have to stay in this house, although I worry Bob will lose his mind. I am no longer scrubbing baseboards for each showing. I was driving myself crazy spending two hours of unneeded housework every time we had a potential buyer coming through. No one is looking at my baseboards. People are looking at the location, the space, the feel, and the condition. Yes, my house is clean, and people have been providing that feedback consistently in the generic questionnaires that we get back after every showing. They will still rate it as being very clean if my baseboards aren't spotless (although they have been cleaned so darn much I honestly don't think that they are very dirty to begin with).  When I go through a potential future home for our family I do not look at baseboards, that is for sure. So, I need to stop being such a nut about the whole thing. It is making me a crazy person.  I do wish that the house would either sell right now, or that people would stop setting up showings because I LOATHE showings. Trying to get the house in perfect order, the dog out of the house, the kids ready to go, and finding a place to go for an hour is a pain in the a#@. Especially, when some days I get only a few hours notice that a showing is happening at our house on said day. I am not a good house seller. I get anxious and feel uptight every time I know that there is a showing. Tomorrow we have one in the early afternoon, and then again at dinner time. I have no idea what I am going to do with everyone for that time, and no idea what I am going to do about dinner either. AHHHH!!!

Elizabeth is joining Brownies. We heard from her leader today, and she was running around the house screaming like a wild woman. She has been waiting to join Brownies for the last 2 years. I am excited for her. I look forward to seeing her enjoy this experience, and I am excited for us to have something to do together. I think that she really needs this. I think that we really need it. I am a little apprehensive that she will be a nut, but I am hoping I can tame her a bit. (Who am I kidding? Tame Elizabeth? Ha!)

Sarah has been doing okay. She has an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Wednesday to make sure that her eyes are still doing as well as they were at her last check up. Her legs have been bothering her a bit. Her thighs mostly, are the part of her legs that seem to cramp up, and yesterday the pain was bringing her to tears. We took a hike (not knowing at that point that her legs were bothering her), and being Sunday, decided to do a 3.3 mile trail. It was very hilly, and about 1/2 through Sarah fell down. She slipped actually, and part of it could have been because she was walking on a slippery rock, but I know in my heart that part of it was because her legs gave out. She got her foot wet when she fell, as we were near a stream, and she started to cry. When I asked her what was wrong she told me that she woke up very tired and with leg pains. I explained to her that the only way to get her the rest she needed was to get back to the car, and the only way to get back to the car was to get to finish the trail we were on. She began whining and complaining about a whole variety of things, and I stopped - by this time Bob and the other kids had gone up ahead - and told her that attitude is more than half the battle. I explained that she could choose to cry and whine the whole rest of the trail, and her negative attitude would make the trail seem longer and harder than it already was. OR, I told her, she could choose to have a positive attitude, and know that with every step forward she was taking was one step closer to the car. Her attitude could make this trail go much faster if she maintained a positive outlook. She thought about it for a minute, and pulled herself together. There was a time on the trail where we were literally counting 10 steps at a time, and stopping and being happy that we had made it 10 steps closer to the car than we were previously. I told her that MS can take away some of her physical capabilities, but it can NEVER take away the way she chooses to see her struggles. If she is sad, and plays the 'woe is me' card then her life will be hard and miserable. But if she decides in her heart that she will not let this disease beat her then she will come out on top. I told her though, that the choice is hers alone. I explained that no one could make this choice for her, and that she alone must choose which outlook she will take. She grew quite for a while, and then her daddy came and took her to the front of the line leading our family on part of the trail, and just like that her smile came back.(Sarah adores her dad. She is the one who missed him the most when he was gone on his TDY with his employer for those 7 months, and she is the one whose smile is brightest when he walks in the door. He has a special bond with her, and a magic touch that I will never have. I am glad they have this relationship with each other. They both need it.)  When we came to the end of the trail I hugged her, and told her how proud of her I was. I wanted her to see that she had an obstacle (her legs cramping), assessed the situation, adapted to the situation, and made it through to the other side. I wanted to show her that it was her mind and attitude that got her through this, and that she is tougher than she thought. That if she put her mind to something the possibilities are endless. Once again, she smiled, and looked at me with such happiness that it took my breath away. There is not a day that goes by when I don't wish more than anything that I could wake up, and Sarah would no longer have MS.  It hurts my heart everyday. Every.Single.Day. But, just like Sarah, I can choose to have a bad attitude about this disease or I can choose to have a fighter's spirit, and not give up or give in. I choose the later. I am so proud of Sarah. She is such a strong little girl who has been dealt a very crappy hand in life. My whole life, my grandfather has been hero (he still is and ALWAYS will be) but now I have a second person that I consider my hero, and it is my sweet, loving, thoughtful, strong, courageous, Sarah.

Watching Him Grow

I have always viewed parenting as an honor. It is not a right that I have, but rather a gift that I have been given. I try to remember this in my most grueling moments of being a mom when I want to throw in the towel because let's face it - those moments happen. I have also always been grateful for where my kids are at in their stage of life. I have never been one to wish that my kids were young again because parenting them at 'x' age was so much easier (although I sometimes wish for a do over so that I could change some of my choices when I was a young mom). I enjoy my kids where they are at because each stage always has its ups and downs - no stage is any easier - they are all just different. I am honored to be able to witness their journey towards becoming adults.  It is truly a privilege.

Last night, my oldest, Andy, went to his first co-ed party. It was a birthday party for a friend who he has known for a long time. The birthday girl is a wonderful person whom I am so grateful that Andy has as a friend. She is just lovely with a good head on her shoulders. She is very sweet and seems to not follow the 'in' crowd, but does her own thing. She is someone that I have always been glad Andy has hung around with.

So, it was with a happy heart that I let Andy go to this birthday party. Going to your first co-ed party is a right of passage, and is part of the teenage experience. It is the first of many firsts to come, and I am so happy for Andy. He is such an amazing kid, and my heart is filled with pride for him. It was so neat to watch him get ready, and to make sure he was looking super sharp while trying to maintain an air of, "I am not really trying to care what I look like" casualness. As he left I gave him a huge hug and cried. I was just overcome with such excitement for him that I could not help but letting the tears well up in my eyes. He was so excited to go, and upon returning home had several tales of all of the fun he had. He was so thankful to have gone, and you could just see the joy radiating from his body.

 Andy is growing and every day he is one step closer towards becoming closer to being a man.I look forward to seeing what his life has in store for him as he crosses off more 'firsts'. I hope that he always carries the excitement that he had last night with him in his heart. It was pretty neat to see that kind of joy in him because so often as adults we lose that unbound feeling in all of the mundane tasks that are required of us in this adult world. I am so humbled and honored get to be able to walk side by side with him through part of his journey. I am amazed by the fact that the universe chose me to be his mom. Andy is such a wonderful kid. A joy to be around. I am without a doubt one lucky mom.

Our HomeSchooling Days Continue

I love homeschooling. It fits our family so well right now. Granted, I have lived enough of a life to know that I cannot guarantee that this is something that we will do forever. I am taking things one year at a time, one child at a time. Right now would I like to say that this is something I could see myself doing for the rest of the kids school years? Absolutely. But, I also know that sometimes life changes or leads us down paths we didn't expect which results in decisions being made that we never thought we would be making. Therefore, I try to live year by year with something as monumental as homeschooling.

Elizabeth is learning to read, and I am thankful that her kindergarten class last year taught her so much in the way of the basics of reading. We are flying through her curriculum, and I am no longer worried that I won't be able to teach her to read. This was one of my biggest fears. I tried to teach the boys to read the first time I homeschooled them, many years ago, and failed in a very epic way.   Years later that memory still haunts me, and I was really worried that I was going to make the same mistake with Elizabeth. I don't think I have to worry about that this time around. I have a great reading program that we are using, and all seems to be going well.

We have been spending an inordinate amount of time out of doors which I very much love. We are spending our days mostly hiking through the trails provided by the area around us, but the kids have also been spending quite a bit of time outside in our yard playing soccer with each other. I have decided to invest in some warm and high quality winter supplies (boots, snow pants, hats, gloves) because I would like us to be able to spend a good deal of time out of doors in the winter too. It has been so good for all of us to get out as frequently as we do, and I find myself cherishing these memories we are making very much.

Being out in the woods also helps me to think about a lot of the things that are on my mind. One of the biggest things that I am pondering is how much of what I am trying to teach the kids is really useful? For example, I am currently working on grammar with the boys that is going over prepositions, simple subjects, predicates, etc...I find myself relearning the information because I haven't used that stuff since the day I took my last test on it in school. Is this type of information really relevant? How many of you could identify what the predicate is of a sentence or what the verb phrase is? I know that I couldn't before I relearned those topics. Am I wasting the kids time filling their heads (temporarily, as I am sure that they too will forget it) with this information? Is there stuff out there that is more important and useful to learn? And if there is, am I willing to abandon some of the more conventional ways of learning in order to be able to pursue that information? I am not sure of the answers yet. The jury is still out on those questions. What I do know, is that while it makes me feel good to be able to say that we got through 'x' number of lessons this week in each subject I am not sure that it is working out for the kids. I find myself wondering just how far I am willing to go away from the traditional methods of learning (i.e. textbooks, tests, papers, etc...) in order to teach my kids the joy of learning. I also find myself reevaluating my reasons for homeschooling the kids. Am I doing so just to get them away from the rubbish that exists in the school system? Am I doing so to give them a "better" (I use that term loosely because I am not sure what 'better' really is right now) education than what I perceive them to be getting in school? Am I doing so to allow them to explore interests and ideas that they would not be able to pursue in the public school system? I think that the reasons that I set out on this homeschooling journey with the kids have changed, and what I originally thought were my reasons now might not seem as relevant. I don't know...right now I just feel like I (and our family) are going through a metamorphosis. What we believed in and who were were just a couple of months ago is slowing changing and transforming into something new and different. I am enjoying this process immensely, and can feel tremendous positive growth in all of us.

We definitely have our own little thing going on here. I have stepped back from society at large and rarely see anyone or talk to anyone outside of my immediate family. The kids too, seem to be doing the same thing. Anytime I ask them if they want to go and play with so-and-so they all seem to give the same answer - they would rather just stay at home hanging out with their siblings. (This is not to say that they never go anywhere. They just don't seem to be going out nearly as often as they once did.)I have thought a lot about this, and wonder why we are all so focused on each other, and no longer have the urge to be away from our nest in the company of others. I think that the answer is that there is a season and time for everything (or so the bible says), and I find that to be true. Right now, our time is focused on one another. In another season, we will all spread out again and focus on the relationships outside of our family. It's not that we will never hang out with people again, or that we are all hermits and will decline any invitation to be with other people. It's just that we have been through so much in the past year that it feels right to regroup and focus on one another as a family. After all, our motto is: Family first - always.

The Older I Get...

 The older I get the more annoyed by people I become. Like really annoyed. Like I need to move to a log cabin in the remote woods of Vermont because I cannot stand ridiculous people, and am one day going to explode on some unsuspecting victim because he/she/they have annoyed me so much. I keep waiting for wisdom to bring me to this zen like state of mind that never goes away, but it hasn't happened yet, and I don't think it is coming. In fact, the older I get it seems that I am moving away from the possibility of acquiring the zen like state that I am seeking because situations/people that once did not annoy me, now annoy me. My whole 'live and let live' thing that I am trying to strive for gets thrown out of the window more often than I would like to admit these days. I often think I am just as bad as the offenders that annoy me because my judgement back at them is just as bad as their judgement of the situations that I am annoyed with to begin with. (Does sentence even make any sense?!)

So, what has gotten me so annoyed?  Closed minded people and situations. I am so tired of huffed up people preaching this and that. (Because I don't know anything about preachy huffed up people - said the crazy lady whose blogs are filled with preachy huffed up horse poop.) I don't mind opposing opinions - in fact I like them because they make me think about my opinions and how sound they are. Most of the time I stick with how I am feeling about a particular situation, but sometimes someone presents something in an adult, well thought out, open minded way, and causes me to alter the way I think about said topic. An example of opposing opinion situations that do not annoy me is my post on being gay (See here.). I am not going to change my mind about how I feel about someone who is gay, but I found an opposing view (See here.) that I thought was well written, and I understood where this woman was coming from in her own life. I don't agree with her opinion, and I know that she does not agree with mine, but we were two adults able to express our opinions without attacking anyone or being ridiculous. So often I find, especially as I get older, that people feel the need to be so righteous and so obtuse about their views that it annoys me to no end. You don't have to change your mind about how you feel about an issue, just as I don't have to change mine, but let's have an open conversation about things and hear each other out.

The world would be so boring if everyone thought the way that I did, and I know that. I like differences of opinions, really I do. In fact, there are many things in my life that I haven't yet formed an opinion on that I need to hear opposing thoughts to create my own web of ideas on how I feel about certain things. I just don't like closed up, sealed tight, puckered up minds where nothing can change and nothing different or new can get in. It drives me crazy. (But I am sure you can already tell that.)

I am afraid that I am going to be that old lady that loses her filter as she ages and just shouts out everything that is on her mind. Lord, help us all if that happens. For now, I will just be that young/old lady who seethes at annoying situations and annoying people, writes about it on her blog, and then goes about her busy life in a state of contentment and bliss, only to repeat the cycle over and over again.

I am going to become that filterless old lady sooner than I would like if I don't find someway to deal with these situations - oh, wait, I know! I will just move to the woods in a log cabin - either that or write a blog about it....

Happy Evening, Everyone!

Pinterest

For a long time now I have heard different people in my life talk about Pinterest. Each person had a universal theme: they loved it so very much that they had a hard time getting off of it. Now, I have enough trouble managing the amount of time I spend on my blog, facebook, and email that I did not want to add anything else to make me feel more guilty about my screen time. But then thoughts started to creep into my mind that we might not be able to sell our house. I knew that I could better use the space that we did have, so I convinced myself to join Pinterest. I mean, what better place is there to get cool storage ideas for a small house?

Now I get it. I completely and totally understand why people are off their rocker when it comes to their love of Pinterest. There is so much out there!!! So many great ideas, sayings, recipes, craft ideas - you name it - it most likely is on Pinterest. I am amazed.

I have really been monitoring my time on the website because I know that I could get completely lost in the world beautiful pictures and great ideas, and spend way too much time in front of this computer screen drooling over what could be if only I just followed the picture/advise/recipe of the beloved item in front of me.

 I am glad that I broke down and decided to log in because I have a feeling that I will be using some of their ideas in the very near future...

Waldorf Family Life

I came across this list on a blog I ran into on a blog today (this one right here), and thought I would share it with you because I really liked what it had to say.  Honestly, if I could have afforded it I would have sent all of my kids to a Waldorf school. I love the vibe and the whole child method of developing a young one into becoming their best self.

Although there are some things on this list that I certainly do not entertain everyday or even at all there is a lot on it that I truly love. Enjoy!

WALDORF FAMILY

Create a Waldorf Family Life

• Get rid of the televisions, video games, and limit computer access until age twelve.
• Go outside and play every day, year round.
• Eat your food whole.
• Hug every day.
• Be open to what the little ones will teach you.
• Be the firm and loving authority.
• Make it yourself, and if you don't know how, learn
• Tell stories and play games. A lot.
• Think about how your things speak to you.
• Keep the voices calm, quiet, and as natural as possible.
• “Do not worry that your children never listen to you, worry that they are always watching you.” ~ Robert Fulgum
• Meditate or do some form of inner work daily.
• Rid yourself of anything that has not been touched in over a month.
• Sing and share lovely verses for important days and every day.
• Create rituals around bedtime, light a candle, sing lullabies and pray to the guardian angels.
• Hold back intellectual concepts from under 7 as they are in the motor centre still.
• Try and keep a dreamlike quality in everything you do.
• Slow down and take time.
• Establish rhythm, use repetition, foster reverence, awe and wonder.
• Create a beautiful and harmonious environment.
• Honor the need for time and space.
• Sing through the day.
• Have conversations with the spiritual world.
• Remember the elemental beings.
• Be authentic in what you do and say .
• Involve the children in household tasks in all areas of domestic work from a very young age 
• Active learning - learning by doing, by observing, by making, by experiencing.
• Make things from scratch, let the kids be involved and observe the TIME and love necessary to create something beautiful and lasting, soup, bread, cream, butter...
• Create gardens, meals, tree forts, gifts, art....
• Working on ones self (meaning the parent
  )

Making My Home My Own Again

Our house has been on the market for almost 4 weeks now, and not a single bite. We have had an open house and several showings, but nothing to speak of in terms of any offers. Bob read in a news article that the market is slowly shifting towards being a buyers market again. (I didn't really ever think it wasn't a buyer's market especially in this area.) So, all of the hopes and dreams I had of selling our house quickly are now being replaced with making the best of the space I have in my home to accommodate my family warmly and comfortably. As the weather turns cooler a little bit more each day I find myself getting ready to hunker down into this home for another winter. I am continually being reminded that what is meant to be will be, and am trying to make the best of our situation.

We will be going back to the place we have our belongings stored, and will be taking out those things that we will need to get us through the winter, plus a couple of items that I need in here to remind me that our home, even though on the market, is still our home. Some picture frames and a few decorations will be making their way back into the cozy space that the six us of (plus Lily the dog) occupy day in and day out. I am very much still on my journey towards simplicity and wonder if maybe there aren't some lessons that I  need to learn yet before my home will find a new family to love it and cherish it. Lessons that I need to master that will help remind me when we go to purchase our next home that I don't want to be making a monster mortgage payment, but rather I want to be making memories with my family, and this means buying a smaller, cheaper home than the materialistic side of me would want.

It certainly was nice for a short time to have our home look like no one lived here. Bare walls, minimal furniture, minimal toys and books, but now it is time to make this house our home again. Time to put up Halloween decorations, and not worry about what potential buyers might think. Our house will sell when it is supposed to sell, and if it doesn't sell by the spring then we will reevaluate the plan and try something new.

Being Gay

I don't think being gay is a choice. I also don't think that God condemns people who are are gay. I think that he loves them just like he loves me. (If he even exists.) It makes me angry when people use God as a reason to not  like people who are gay. To think that one is "going to Hell" just because of who he/she loves.  I think it makes God angry too.

When I talk to my children about the future I don't say to them, "When you get married to a boy/girl (depending on whom I am talking to) when you are older..." because I think that it sets my kids up to think that if they are indeed gay that I would be less accepting of them than if they were straight. Instead, I tell my kids, "When you get older, if you choose to get married to a person...". This way they know that marriage is a choice and I am not predetermining the sex of the person I think they should be with.

If God does indeed look down upon those who are gay, shouldn't he be the judge of that when those individuals die? Why is it okay for us, mere mortals, to judge and say what God would do or how God thinks about certain people? Isn't passing this kind of judgement upon other people the exact opposite of the Golden Rule? If you can judge someone based on a "choice" one makes, then what does that open you up to be persecuted for?  What "choices" do you make that makes you less than perfect in God's eyes? I am sure there is something there because no one is perfect. Why is it okay for me to think I am a better imperfect person than you, and that my sins will require me to atone for less because I love a man instead of a woman?  The fact of the matter is, I am no better than my neighbor who is gay, and I am no worse either. I am an imperfect person equally as imperfect as my neighbor.

I am sure that these conversations I have with my kids make some people just as irate at me and the way that I am raising my children as I get irate with them when they spout off anti-gay language and I know that their children are also receiving that message too.

I thought about sitting on the sidelines on this one, and not even discussing the issue on my blog because this like abortion, or religion, or any other hot topics is very polarizing, and I would hate for someone to not read my blog any more because of my belief on this topic. But then I got to thinking about it today after coming across some clearly anti gay rhetoric, and I thought how sad I would be if my children knew that I didn't do something or speak my mind about something that I believe in just because I was afraid of what other people might think or do or say. That my children would be disappointed in me because I didn't stay true to who I am in the face of adversity as I ask them so often to do.  So, that is why this is the post you get today.

I write this blog for me, but I write it more for my children. They are the ones who matter most. Someday, I would like them to be able to review my life as someone other than their mother, and I would like them to be proud of who they see. This is one of the only ways I know how to do that - to live honestly and openly warts and all.

Andy, Josh, Sarah, and Elizabeth - if you come to me one day to tell me that you are gay please do not be afraid. For I love you, no matter who you love. The only thing that I will ever ask of you is to be true to who you are, no matter how different that may be from everyone else. I will always be in your corner, and you will never be alone in this world. I love you all more than you will ever know.

Simple Pleasures

You know those days when everything feels right? The kind of day when you know, just know, that THIS is what life is supposed to be like. The kind of day that takes your breath away because it is perfectly suited to you and everything that you strive to be and have in this life. I had one of those days today, and the memories created out of it will be ones I will remember for a lifetime.

I took the kids to Hampton Hills Metro Parks today. (Thankfully, it is run by the Summit County MetroParks otherwise it would have been closed due to the government shutdown.) We began our hike with Lily by running up a steep hill laughing all of the way, each one of us trying our hardest not to be the last one to the top. Then we raced down the other side of the hill trying to be the first down. I haven't run like that in years. I ran and felt like a kid. I remembered (if only very briefly) why kids run, and why they love it. It was completely freeing. Running as an adult and as a kid are two different things completely, and although I have run in recent years as an adult I have long forgotten the pleasure of running with a child's mentality. After we all tired ourselves out completely we continued our 3.2 mile journey enjoying each others company. Each one of the kids would take turns walking with me while everyone else regained their energy and sped ahead taking in the sights and sounds of an autumn wood. About 1/4 of the way through our journey the kids decided to play hide and seek in teams of two. Each team would run ahead and hide in the woods along the trail while the other kids would try and find them. Once they were found (or sometimes not found. There were several times when the seeking team and I would walk right past the hiding team because they were hidden so well.) the seeking team would run ahead and try to out do the previous team with their current hiding spot. Lily, the dog, would run back and forth between both groups of kids so happy to be among them. The sound of laughter filled the woods the entire time. I quietly soaked up the palpable joy that surrounded us and took in the sights that only nature could provide.  I feel more at home and more at peace in nature than I do anywhere else on this whole world. I have had more 'aha' moments in nature than anywhere else, and it is a place that I go to more than anywhere else to seek out the answers I am looking for.

So, it was completely appropriate and fitting that I should be surrounded by the echoes of my children's laughter as they bounced off of the autumn trees with their beginning brilliant fall colors, and for me to feel a deep sense of the wonder of life. The gift of those couple of hours in the woods with them this morning and early afternoon were better than any lesson they could have learned in a traditional classroom setting. The moments that I celebrated today with the kids - the fun, the laughter, the beauty, the carefree moments of today - THOSE are the things that matter. As we were heading home to work on our lessons for the day the kids asked if we could come to the woods everyday because they all had so much fun together. Those words were music to my nature loving ears. I promised them that although it was something that we would not be able to do every day certainly an effort could be made to do it much more frequently than we have been.

We created memories that will last us a lifetime. I know that all of the kids and myself will remember today with its curiosity , creativity, and conversation for a long, long time. We were able to accomplish this wonderful day with only the simplest of things: the great outdoors and ourselves. We did it without fancy toys, or video games, or the television, or the computer. We did it without going to a fancy amusement park or sporting event. We did it in the simplest of places - the beauty of nature. It didn't cost us anything, but our time. It was the perfect day. This is why I have four kids. This is why I would love to have more. My family is what matters most to me in this world. It is what I live for and what I would die for - no questions asked. This life isn't about big houses, fancy cars, or expensive vacations. It is about being together, as a family, creating memories that will last a lifetime. It is about the simple things - after all, they are the only things that truly matter.

Homemade Spa Evening

The boys (Bob, Andy, and Josh) have had plans for the last several weeks to meet my brother in Columbus and attend a Crew match. Since we are deliberately trying to get by with just 1 vehicle this meant that the girls and I would be spending our Saturday night at home. I wanted to to do something cool with them, so I decided to create a homemade spa. The girls each got a pedicure and a manicure as well as had a homemade facial and hair cleaning.

We used 2Tbsp of honey and 1 1/2 Tbsp of Apple Cider Vinegar for our facial along with cucumbers. The mixture dried on the girls faces while they were getting their nails done and they were able to rinse it off quite easily with warm water. As for their hair - I created an egg and olive oil mixture and put it in their hair. The egg is supposed to remove the bad oils in the hair and the olive oil (I only used a teeny, tiny bit) is supposed to help with moisturizing their scalp. (If you are interested here are some pretty neat recipes for homemade hair treatments.)

We had a nice evening, and I think that the girls had fun. After talking with the boys this morning I know that they certainly had fun.  Making memories is what our life is about now, and I am thankful for the ones we created last night.

Miss Elizabeth relaxing with her cucumbers and mask on.

My sugar (as her nickname has been since her birth) also relaxing with her cucumbers and scrub.

Waiting for the egg mixture to work its magic.

Sarah also waiting for the mixture to do its thing.

Soaking their little piggies and hanging out. 

Look how curly their hair is from the egg mixture!!! I love it.

Sarah waiting for her nails to dry.