Catching Up

 I had all of these plans for the new year and was off to a good start when life had other plans. I ended up getting sick and have been so for the past two weeks. Not knowing if I had caught COVID I isolated myself in my bedroom for the required 5 days per CDC guidelines. There were no home tests to be found as the shelves in our area stores were wiped clean of them, Amazon could not get one delivered until the end of January, and the usual in person testing places (Walgreens, CVS, etc...) had no available appointments during the week I was at my sickest, so I am not sure if what I had was COVID, but I do know that I had some pretty strange symptoms. I also know that a little over two weeks later I am still not 100%. All of my cold symptoms are gone (except for a sporadic cough here and there), but still have very little energy and find that everyday living exhausts me. I am super thankful that my kiddos are older as I could not imagine having a prolonged sickness with littles at home. Andy had something very similar to what I have a couple of months back and was tested twice for COVID - both times he tested negative, so it is quite possible that I just had a very, very weird cold/flu. Either way, I am anxious to get back on my feet 100%. This exhaustion is for the birds as I have too much to do every day and each passing day leaves me feeling more and more behind, but whatever this is that I have leaves me too tired to even try and push through the exhaustion which would be my normal response. 

The one thing I have kept up on (minus my time in isolation) is the girls schooling. We have plowed through each week and have actually been able to get a good amount of work done. I am thankful for this as we will be working through a part of our summer because of some unexpected time off this fall for my grandmother's funeral. 

Because North Carolina is absolutely awful in providing services for homeschooled students, Bobby and I have hired a private tutor for Sarah to teach her independent living skills and orientation & mobility. These two skills are vital for her to have in order to live an independent life. Since she is planning on attending college (most likely) out of state she will need to have mastered these skills in the next 18 months which is completely possible with a lot of hard work. Sarah had her first official lesson last week and will be meeting with Jana weekly until the job is done. Sarah is determined to become independent (as are Bobby and I), so this is a very exciting time for her. 

Sarah has also begun to take steps to volunteer at the Charlotte Humane Society. She applied, attended the first orientation, and is signed up for her second orientation where she will then pick a job to do. She is committing to volunteer at least six hours a week - per the humane society's requirements. She has been wanting to volunteer at an animal shelter for years, but has always been too young. She is finally of age and is taking full advantage of it and fulfilling this dream of hers. (Now we just need to make sure she doesn't bring home any stray pets!)

Speaking of pets, our second guinea pig, Ruby, died last night in Sarah's arms. We got our guinea pigs in February of 2016 while we were living in New Mexico. Charlotte died this past October. We noticed Ruby was not doing too well on Saturday and put her in some blankets and cuddled with her for most of Saturday evening and Sunday afternoon. Her breathing became labored and she took her last breaths while Sarah was holding her as the sun was setting in the backyard. It was completely awful, but I am so glad that Ruby did not die alone. It was so alien to wake up this morning and not feed at least one of the girls' breakfast. I have been doing so for so long. To not see their cage in its usual spot or to not hear one of them squeaking at me as I come downstairs is eerie. To be honest, I am glad that Ruby didn't live too much longer than Charlotte. Guinea pigs do better living in groups and Ruby had Charlotte in her life for almost 6 years. I am sure the last few months have been lonely for her. While I am sad to see that era go - those two girls were a lot of fun to have for a long time - they were also a lot of work and towards the end of their lives they were more work than fun to have. (They didn't want to be picked up as much or run around as much because they were getting older.) We made sure to take great care of them up until the end though. Their cage was kept clean, they were fed the best quality foods, were given treats, and interacted with daily. We read that guinea pig life expectancy is anywhere from 3-5 or 4-6 years. Either way, Charlotte and Ruby were born around December of 2015 and they lived until October of 2021 and January of 2022 respectively. Each of those girls lived a long, good life. I am glad they were a part of our lives. 

Elizabeth is getting ready to begin another season of soccer. She played on a rec team last fall and fell in love with her coach and team. Bobby was the assistant coach last fall and is planning on helping the team in the same capacity this spring. Bobby is a really, really good coach, so I am happy that he is helping with Elizabeth's team. Plus, it gives the two of them a chance to have something that is just theirs to do together. That is important.

Andy just got a job and is still plugging away at school this semester. He is only taking one class right now as he is determined to pay cash for his degree. Until we have lived in North Carolina for twelve months we are considered out-of-state residents and so for Andy this has meant that his savings was quickly devoured fall semester to help pay for a full load of courses at the out-of-state prices. North Carolina subsidizes in-state tuition for state universities and community colleges which means all semesters after this one will be very reasonably priced. Andy is going to work full time this spring and summer to save up enough money for the next four semesters of college so that he will not have to worry about going less than full time again and can focus solely on school while not have to work during the semester. 

Joshua is living on campus at school. He has a couple of buddies that have allowed him to crash at their place. The three boys have almost all of their classes together which is good because Joshua needs the support they offer in order to stay focused on his long-term goals. The boys are like the three amigos. They are almost always together and are really close.  Soccer is starting up again for the Belmont boys and there are three boys competing for two starting spots on the roster. (Josh and his bestie are two of the boys with the third boy being a pretty good acquaintance.) I am not sure how it will play out, but I just hope that if Josh is not chosen to start that he doesn't get too discouraged. The jury is still out on his coach - I am leaning toward not being a fan - and it has nothing to do with Josh's play time. He seems to pit the boys against each other instead of bringing them together as a team and also pretty consistently goes back on his word which I think is a very poor decision when leading a group of young men (or women for that matter). Collegiate sports are not for the faint of heart and I hope that after all of the years of investment that Josh has put into the sport that he is willing to stick out any adversity he comes across. He was/is lucky that as a freshman (which is what he transferred in as) he made the first team. A lot of collegiate athletes sit on reserve team rosters for 2-4 years just hoping for a chance to play in the games that count for their colleges which only happen with the "first team".  Although Josh only got to play in about 3 games this past fall season, I am thankful he at least got those opportunities. So, we'll see what happens this spring. 

Steps are slowly being taken in our house to try and ensure (as best we can anyway) that some of the devastating experiences we faced last year do not repeat themselves this year. Hopefully, the work being sowed now will reap great rewards in the next several months. I know that there are no guarantees of this (as I was acutely reminded last year that we are guaranteed jack squat in this life), but I am beginning to feel some semblance of Hope again for the possibilities that may lie ahead. It was a really, really bleak year for our house last year and I felt like we were surrounded by a lot of darkness, so to be able to even pick my head up and feel traces of warmth and possibilities - even if just a kernel of them for just a moment is more than I felt for months and months of last year - is a gift. I think just about anyone can relate who has gone through some really hard, trying times.  

I am trying to lose weight again. I lost 32 pounds at the beginning of last year and then gained all but five of it back the second half of the year when life got really hard in this house. I am an emotional eater through and through and I used food as a crutch to ease some of my anxiety, sadness, and anger. Right or wrong, it is what is it, and I am now paying the consequences of those choices by having to essentially start all over again on my weight loss journey. I did it last year, so I know I can do it this year. I have lost about 5 pounds already, but I have not exercised since I came down with my illness a little over two weeks ago as I just do not have the energy to do so. I am hoping that by the end of this week my energy will have returned, and I can hop back into my weight loss routine. We'll see. 

That's about it in our household right now. I hope that I am slowly beginning to get back to 100% and can start to regularly update this space as I had intended to do at the beginning of the year before life had other ideas for me. Until then, I'll write when I can. 

Week 1: Ordinary Moments

My gato sitting next to me while I work waiting somewhat patiently for me to shower him with attention. 

My spirit animal

Stack of books that I am going be reading after I finish my current read. Hopefully, I am get through most of these during the months of January/February. (Although that Teddy Roosevelt book is 600+ pages, so we'll see...)

An unexpected new year gift - hyacinth blooms. Sarah's favorite flower. 

A new bud pushing up through the soil. 

 

Family Meals - Week 1

 Breakfast

Pancakes*

Waffles*

Cinnamon Buns*

Muffins*

Bagels*/Cream Cheese

Bacon, Eggs, Breakfast Potatoes*

Cereal/Oatmeal

Lunch

Pesto*

Chicken Caesar Salad*

Fajitas

Grilled Cheese

Leftovers x 2

Dinner

Garlic Butter Steak, Asparagus, White Potatoes, Salad

Shredded Chicken Sandwiches, Mac and Cheese*, Green Beans

Spaghetti, Sauce*, Meatballs*, Bread*, Salad

Tacos

Pizza*

Notes:

* = made from scratch 

We are going glamping this weekend in Ohio with extended family, and therefore will not need 7 lunches and dinners.

2022: The Before and After - A New Beginning

 I don't normally put too much stock in the start of a new year. I think it adds unnecessary pressure to my life and makes me feel entirely disappointed if I don't perfectly live up to my expectations. I don't like to set myself up for failure and, for me, having new year's resolutions is like trying to create perfection where perfection cannot be had - mainly in my life. 

Last year was such a train wreck though that I began to take a different approach to this annual marker of time as it approached. I needed a specific and clear date to mentally define the before and after. I needed a date to stamp in my mind where my healing would begin; some demarcation of time to look back on and to show myself how much I have grown when times get tough in the upcoming year. And so, January 1, 2022 began to become a beacon in my life as 2021 came to a close. 

I do not expect 2022 immediately heal my heart. I do not expect it to make all of my problems go away. But I do expect it to help give me the tools to slowly heal my brokenness. I expect this year to be a year of answers. (I read  a blurb of something somewhere that basically said that some years are years of questions and some years are years of answers. I feel like I have been in a year of questions for a while - 2021 was an absolute year of questions with limited answers that only produced an infinite number of more questions.)

 I expect it to be better than this year because it has to be. It just has to be. I cannot be spit out and chewed up anymore than I was in 2021. 2021 broke me. It broke my spirit. It broke my heart. It broke my will. It shattered my dreams. It crushed my Hope. It left me spiritually, emotionally, and physically at the worst I have ever been. 

This year is about giving myself the tools to cope and learn new ways of handling life's bitter disappointments because clearly I don't handle those very well. The current state of my being is evidence of that.  

2022 is a year of promise. It is a year of learning how to get back up and not be paralyzed when life knocks me on my ass. It is a year of prioritizing. It is a year of making hard choices. It is a year of finding my voice and finding new audiences to hear me if need be. 

Every year for the last several years I have tried to come up with a focus word for me. Last year my word of the year was 'transform'. (I definitely transformed - just not in the ways that I ever would have expected.) I thought a bit about my word for this year, but didn't want to over think it. I knew that my word would just come to me if I was willing to pay attention. 

Late last night as I was lying in bed thinking that I would have to start 2022 without a word, a word came to me clear as a Caribbean sea. I immediately hated it. I tried to push the word out of my mind; I wanted another word, a different word. Anything, but this word. But I knew in the deepest, most true, parts of myself that this word was meant just for me. I knew that this word came to me from outside of myself. From where, I couldn't tell you right now, but maybe as the year unfolds I will be able to answer that question. 

My word of 2022 is: surrender. 

I hate this word because, to me, it has the connotation of failure. The losing side of a battle surrenders. To surrender is to admit defeat. It means someone or something else wins. It means you were wrong - you overestimated yourself and your abilities. To surrender is to give up. 

And yet, I know that this word is meant for me. I know that it was chosen for me. I know that right in my life I am weary, weak, and feel defeated in almost all aspects of my life. Surrendering doesn't seem like such a terrible idea some of the time, but I have a gut feeling that this isn't the kind of surrender I am being asked to do.

But what I am I surrendering? What can I give up or lay down in my life? 2021 kicked my ass - it stripped me of pretty much everything - what do I possibly have to surrender? 

I have a feeling as 2022 unfolds I am going to find out the answer to all of those questions. 

So, here's to a new year. Here's to a clear line in the sand of the before and after.  Here's to growing and forgiving. Here's to laying down bitterness and resentment. Here's to finding my strength and living my truth - day in and day out. Here's to finding meaning and what matters. Here's to health and relationships and healing. 

Here's to surrender.