I need to think of a catchier phrase than 'food friday', but for now that title will just have to do.
I am more determined than ever to cut our food budget. I took over the finances from Bob after realizing that I am in charge of so much of our budget that it just makes sense for me to take over the whole shabang. Because I can now clearly see what is coming in and what needs to go out I am motivated to do better in the areas that are flexible.
So, this means that I am back to menu planning and penny pinching to see just how low I can get my weekly food expenses down to. It means no more glorious weeks of an almost $440 (a week!!!) food budget. Time to get down to business and do it the only way I know how - balls to the wall. I have set a two week food budget for myself of just $500. This means I am pretty much going to challenge myself to cutting my food budget in half.
Goodbye are the days of eating take out when planning for meals didn't suit me - especially on nights when all 4 kids have something going on. Goodbye are the excuses that tomorrow I will plan a menu or tomorrow I will cut our food expenses down to a reasonable amount. Tomorrow just became today, my friends. Back to making breakfasts from scratch instead of eating cereal, bagels, or english muffins. Back to making sandwich bread instead of buying store bought. Back to taking a good portion of my afternoon to prepare dinner.
Just thinking about saving money (and putting the extra savings towards a super vacation) are quite motivating for me.
My rules are (which as you all know me by now are bound to change):
1.) If I can reasonably make it from scratch - do it.
2.) If I can afford it organic - buy it.
3.) Plan meals.
4.) Grocery shop only once a week. (Right now I go several times a week to get only what I need for a couple of days.)
I will keep track of my spending this week and my menu and report it back to you next week. Hopefully, it will be a successful week....Wish me luck. I certainly need it.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Saturday, May 24, 2014
A Birthday Boy - Joshua Gordon - 5/25
Dearest Joshua,
I know that when you are older, and become aware enough of my blogging that you actually start reading these posts, you will roll your eyes at this letter and its open display of love and affection for you. You will pretend to be super embarrassed, and say something like, "Mooommm", all the while smiling at me in a way that only you know how to do.
I love you so much. I am so very proud of the young man you are becoming. I think this year you have grown more, emotionally, than any other year in your life. I have watched you grow ever more into your own person, and I am in awe and amazed at what I am witnessing.
I think out of all of the kids Sarah's illness has hit you the hardest. I know that you struggle so much with questions such as, "Why Sarah?" and "Why our family?". I know that Sarah's battle with NMO has angered you at times because it hurts you so much to see your sister struggle. I have seen the tears in your eyes when you thought no one was looking as you witnessed just how much Sarah could not see, and how (at times) her world became so unclear and dark. I am honored to be able to see how you have become your sister's keeper. How you will protect from teasing kids at the park or assist her in playing a board game when she cannot see the pieces very clearly. Your gentle patience and big brotherly love is inspiring. Your compassion for all that Sarah is going through has shown me a side of you that I did not know exists. I did not think that I could love you any more than I already did, but I was dead wrong because after watching you handle and care for Sarah this year my love grew for your by leaps and bounds. Your actions this year have told me loud and clear that you do hear your dad and I talking to you when we say, 'Family First'. I know that Sarah will always have you to look after her when she needs looking after, and for that, I will always be grateful. Thank you for being so discreet with Sarah's struggles. I know that she gets embarrassed when her eyes are bad and she cannot play games at the park like all of the other kids. I also know that you have tried your hardest to alter the rules of the games or change the games themselves in order to include your sister without ever letting anyone else know why you were doing so. Your sister will always be grateful to you for your discreetness.
You, of all of the kids, make me laugh the hardest with your dry sense of humor. Your humor is a Godsend to me because you seem to know just when to put it into play to make me laugh. This gift is one of your greatest assets - I hope you carry it with you always. Just thinking about some of the things that you say makes me laugh out loud. You are truly a funny guy. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are the funniest person I know. You bring laughter into my life when I so desperately need it.
I hope that your 12th year brings you more smiles. I hope that you continue to grow and learn and seek out all that life has to offer. I hope that you continue following your passions and seeking out those worthy of your friendship.
You are an amazing young man. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it from the deepest parts of my heart - I am honored to call you my son. Getting to walk along side you as you grow into the fine person you are becoming is a blessing that I cherish every day.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Happy 12th Birthday, Joshua.
Love,
Mom
I know that when you are older, and become aware enough of my blogging that you actually start reading these posts, you will roll your eyes at this letter and its open display of love and affection for you. You will pretend to be super embarrassed, and say something like, "Mooommm", all the while smiling at me in a way that only you know how to do.
I love you so much. I am so very proud of the young man you are becoming. I think this year you have grown more, emotionally, than any other year in your life. I have watched you grow ever more into your own person, and I am in awe and amazed at what I am witnessing.
I think out of all of the kids Sarah's illness has hit you the hardest. I know that you struggle so much with questions such as, "Why Sarah?" and "Why our family?". I know that Sarah's battle with NMO has angered you at times because it hurts you so much to see your sister struggle. I have seen the tears in your eyes when you thought no one was looking as you witnessed just how much Sarah could not see, and how (at times) her world became so unclear and dark. I am honored to be able to see how you have become your sister's keeper. How you will protect from teasing kids at the park or assist her in playing a board game when she cannot see the pieces very clearly. Your gentle patience and big brotherly love is inspiring. Your compassion for all that Sarah is going through has shown me a side of you that I did not know exists. I did not think that I could love you any more than I already did, but I was dead wrong because after watching you handle and care for Sarah this year my love grew for your by leaps and bounds. Your actions this year have told me loud and clear that you do hear your dad and I talking to you when we say, 'Family First'. I know that Sarah will always have you to look after her when she needs looking after, and for that, I will always be grateful. Thank you for being so discreet with Sarah's struggles. I know that she gets embarrassed when her eyes are bad and she cannot play games at the park like all of the other kids. I also know that you have tried your hardest to alter the rules of the games or change the games themselves in order to include your sister without ever letting anyone else know why you were doing so. Your sister will always be grateful to you for your discreetness.
You, of all of the kids, make me laugh the hardest with your dry sense of humor. Your humor is a Godsend to me because you seem to know just when to put it into play to make me laugh. This gift is one of your greatest assets - I hope you carry it with you always. Just thinking about some of the things that you say makes me laugh out loud. You are truly a funny guy. In fact, I would go so far as to say you are the funniest person I know. You bring laughter into my life when I so desperately need it.
I hope that your 12th year brings you more smiles. I hope that you continue to grow and learn and seek out all that life has to offer. I hope that you continue following your passions and seeking out those worthy of your friendship.
You are an amazing young man. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it from the deepest parts of my heart - I am honored to call you my son. Getting to walk along side you as you grow into the fine person you are becoming is a blessing that I cherish every day.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Happy 12th Birthday, Joshua.
Love,
Mom
Friday, May 23, 2014
Food Friday
I have struggled for a long time with food in this house from organic to not organic, processed foods to unprocessed foods, gluten free, dairy free, clean verse unclean meats and eggs, etc....
My dad was recently diagnosed with a stomach issue that is directly related to the food he eats. For some reason his illness was the final straw for me. Our food is making us sick, and I need to do something about it. NOW. The conspiracy theorist in me thinks that so many people are diagnosed with autoimmune diseases (partially or fully) because of the food we eat.
The shelves are lined with food/diet books in bookstores and in libraries with solutions to our problems. Each seems to contradict the other - making someone like myself a crazy person (or a crazier person than I already am). So, what's a girl to do? Follow my gut instinct - that's what. So, what does my gut tell me? Right now it says this...organic is good, but be wary because organic is becoming too mainstream which means that the corporate giants are going to cut corners to create a bigger profit margin while still being able to carry their products with the organic label. Meat and Eggs must be clean. By this I mean must be organic, sustainably farmed, must be grass fed (if beef). Homemade is best. My kids like cookies and other treats. It is not feasible for me to give up all of those things entirely, and I won't. But, I think that homemade is a billion times better than store bought, so I am going to try like the dickens to make things from scratch as much as I can when it comes to sweets, breads, etc...Preparation is key. I know this, but I fail a lot in this area. I no longer plan out a weekly menu I just kinda look at what we have or what I feel like making and either prepare it or run to the store and get the ingredients I need for just that night or the next day. Plus, I tend to use packaged snacks a lot because I am not prepared either in time or ingredients to make something healthy or homemade that I know that the kids would enjoy. If I was more prepared I could mitigate both of these poor excuses of not having better food choices available in my home.
Another issue with food that I have (and this is where I am going to sound extremely whiny) is that it is so much easier to go to the store and buy something in a box. Stouffer's Mac and Cheese is a good example. Who has the time to make the good, healthier, homemade version of mac and cheese? Or if you do have the time who wants to eat that kind of goodness when our taste buds have been trained to crave the processed deliciousness that only Stouffer's can offer? It is really, really hard (for me anyway) to consistently prepare and keep on top of our food choices when the food industry, via good deceptive advertising, is constantly telling me how hard it is to make things homemade and to just go out and buy their products because it will make my life easier. I fall prey to that ALL the time. The crazy thing is that I know better, but I convince myself that I am too busy to focus on food because of everything else going on in my life. The fact of the matter is that some of my issues could be helped (and some of my children's as well) if I spent more time focusing on food and what we ingest daily.
On top of all of this is the astronomical costs associated with the food that we eat in this house. Including takeout/dining out we spend around $1750 a month in food. Can you freaking believe that number? I cannot either. That is a lot of damn money. That is a lot of variable money. That is money, that if I saved just $500 a month, would be enough for my family to rent a sweet house in Cape Cod next year for two weeks, and be able to enjoy things such as whale watches, fishing excursions, etc...Or it would be enough for the 6 of us to go on a sweet cruise to the Caribbean. Either way, that money could be put to good use.
So, I need some help. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions as to how they save money on their groceries I would love to hear them. With summer approaching, and the kids lives slowing down, I will be focusing almost entirely on how to cut down on costs, feed my family healthier homemade meals while not spending the entire day in the kitchen. Yeah, I know, I have my work cut out for me. Wish me luck!
My dad was recently diagnosed with a stomach issue that is directly related to the food he eats. For some reason his illness was the final straw for me. Our food is making us sick, and I need to do something about it. NOW. The conspiracy theorist in me thinks that so many people are diagnosed with autoimmune diseases (partially or fully) because of the food we eat.
The shelves are lined with food/diet books in bookstores and in libraries with solutions to our problems. Each seems to contradict the other - making someone like myself a crazy person (or a crazier person than I already am). So, what's a girl to do? Follow my gut instinct - that's what. So, what does my gut tell me? Right now it says this...organic is good, but be wary because organic is becoming too mainstream which means that the corporate giants are going to cut corners to create a bigger profit margin while still being able to carry their products with the organic label. Meat and Eggs must be clean. By this I mean must be organic, sustainably farmed, must be grass fed (if beef). Homemade is best. My kids like cookies and other treats. It is not feasible for me to give up all of those things entirely, and I won't. But, I think that homemade is a billion times better than store bought, so I am going to try like the dickens to make things from scratch as much as I can when it comes to sweets, breads, etc...Preparation is key. I know this, but I fail a lot in this area. I no longer plan out a weekly menu I just kinda look at what we have or what I feel like making and either prepare it or run to the store and get the ingredients I need for just that night or the next day. Plus, I tend to use packaged snacks a lot because I am not prepared either in time or ingredients to make something healthy or homemade that I know that the kids would enjoy. If I was more prepared I could mitigate both of these poor excuses of not having better food choices available in my home.
Another issue with food that I have (and this is where I am going to sound extremely whiny) is that it is so much easier to go to the store and buy something in a box. Stouffer's Mac and Cheese is a good example. Who has the time to make the good, healthier, homemade version of mac and cheese? Or if you do have the time who wants to eat that kind of goodness when our taste buds have been trained to crave the processed deliciousness that only Stouffer's can offer? It is really, really hard (for me anyway) to consistently prepare and keep on top of our food choices when the food industry, via good deceptive advertising, is constantly telling me how hard it is to make things homemade and to just go out and buy their products because it will make my life easier. I fall prey to that ALL the time. The crazy thing is that I know better, but I convince myself that I am too busy to focus on food because of everything else going on in my life. The fact of the matter is that some of my issues could be helped (and some of my children's as well) if I spent more time focusing on food and what we ingest daily.
On top of all of this is the astronomical costs associated with the food that we eat in this house. Including takeout/dining out we spend around $1750 a month in food. Can you freaking believe that number? I cannot either. That is a lot of damn money. That is a lot of variable money. That is money, that if I saved just $500 a month, would be enough for my family to rent a sweet house in Cape Cod next year for two weeks, and be able to enjoy things such as whale watches, fishing excursions, etc...Or it would be enough for the 6 of us to go on a sweet cruise to the Caribbean. Either way, that money could be put to good use.
So, I need some help. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions as to how they save money on their groceries I would love to hear them. With summer approaching, and the kids lives slowing down, I will be focusing almost entirely on how to cut down on costs, feed my family healthier homemade meals while not spending the entire day in the kitchen. Yeah, I know, I have my work cut out for me. Wish me luck!
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Apocalypse
Surely, this must be a sign of the apocalypse:
1.) My house is picked up.
2.) My laundry is done. (I even washed everyone's blankets from their beds.)
3.) There is food in my house.
4.) My van is clean.
5.) My yard is mowed, trimmed, weeded, trenched, etc...
I cannot even tell you the last time all 5 of those things were completed at the same time. It feels like it has been years...
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Wednesday's Inspiration
Many times our roads are filled with speed bumps. Many times our roads are filled with uncertainty and doubt. It is what we do in those times that determine so much not only about our lives, but about who we are as people. So often I feel as if I am not only taking the road less traveled, but the road that no one has traveled on. I feel as if I am trampling through uncharted territory all alone. This feeling often causes me to doubt so much of what I am doing. But, when I pause and think about it, we are all traveling on our own paths alone. Each of us is walking through uncharted territory, a road less traveled if you will, because each of us is living a life that is unique only to us. How can we possibly expect others to have gone down a path only we can take? I think that what most important, and what this poem hints at to me, is that we must live a life that it authentic to us. Yes, we are all living a life unique to us, but so often we copy others and their decisions because we don't want to be singled out as being different. We want to be unique, but not so much so that it causes others to critique our lives. Living truly by our inner voices regardless of what others think is incredibly hard to do. So, even though I falter and even though I doubt, I am going to carry on trying to live my life as authentically as possible because that is what the road less traveled is all about. Are you with me?
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920. |
| 1. The Road Not Taken |
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Monday, May 19, 2014
Week 2 : Healthy Habits - Struggles & Successes
Week 2 was a rough one because I am an emotional eater. This weekend I had take out (Chipotle & Chinese) and I also ate more carbs than I care to share. I am overweight because I do not exercise enough and because I love carbs in a way that should be illegal. Pasta, bread, bagels, you name it. If it has carbs (and is refined - I only like the worst kind of carbs) then I love it.
I know that this time the weight loss is not about being skinny at any cost. It is about changing my bad habits and replacing them with good healthy ones. I know that this will take time, and that there will be bad weeks and good weeks. I need to figure out what my pitfalls are and then do whatever I can to mitigate those so that I can be successful in losing weight.
Anyway, here is the nitty gritty:
Week 2 Weight Loss - 1/2 lb
Total Weight Loss to Date - 3 lbs
Successes - I kept up with my food journal & I exercised more days than not.
Struggles - I failed to drink enough water and to log it in my food journal. I also had a hard time making healthy food choices.
Goals for the Week Coming Up:
Incorporate my weight loss guru, Bob Harper, this week. My goal is to workout with him (a la my DVD player) twice this week plus keep up with my walking.
Figure out what my eating pitfalls are and then come up with a game plan to tackle them one at a time so that they no longer set me back.
Try and drink (and keep track of) my water intake.
I know that this time the weight loss is not about being skinny at any cost. It is about changing my bad habits and replacing them with good healthy ones. I know that this will take time, and that there will be bad weeks and good weeks. I need to figure out what my pitfalls are and then do whatever I can to mitigate those so that I can be successful in losing weight.
Anyway, here is the nitty gritty:
Week 2 Weight Loss - 1/2 lb
Total Weight Loss to Date - 3 lbs
Successes - I kept up with my food journal & I exercised more days than not.
Struggles - I failed to drink enough water and to log it in my food journal. I also had a hard time making healthy food choices.
Goals for the Week Coming Up:
Incorporate my weight loss guru, Bob Harper, this week. My goal is to workout with him (a la my DVD player) twice this week plus keep up with my walking.
Figure out what my eating pitfalls are and then come up with a game plan to tackle them one at a time so that they no longer set me back.
Try and drink (and keep track of) my water intake.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
1 Year Later
This post has been running around in my head for many weeks now as the date has approached in the same steady way that every other day comes. May 18th. That date will forever be ingrained into my head with such significance that I will never, ever go a year without pausing on this day to take the time to reflect on the year that has past and the year coming up ahead.
May 18, 2013
I can choose to dwell on the pain that resides in my heart and has taken residence there every day for the last 365 days or I can choose to celebrate the lives that we have all been given. Today, I will choose the latter. I will celebrate all the good in our lives while quietly reflecting on all of the struggle and hardship we have faced, endured, and triumphed over.
May 18, 2013
Today, I will celebrate the resiliency of my children. I will reflect on their growth, our growth, as a family. I will silently watch my 9 year old daughter in wonder and awe as I look back on all that she has gone through: all of the uncertainty, all of the fear, all of the needles, tests, procedures, poking, and prodding. 8 hospital stays. 8 trips to the infusion center. 1 blown vein, 2 central lines, 6 MRI's, 1 spinal tap, 1 EEG, and the list goes on and on.
Today, when you think of my daughter, think of the fighter she is. Think of all that she has gone through, and wonder, could you have done it? I don't know if I could have. Think of how she went through all of this...and only cried out once (when her vein blew). Think of how she patiently and quietly allows each procedure. Each nurse that misses a vein the first time and sometimes a second time to find a line for an IV - she says nothing. Does not wince in pain - although by the squeeze my hand is taking from hers - I know it hurts her. My little girl is one of the bravest souls on the face on this earth.
May 18, 2013
I know that I have posted this more than once before, but I feel that it is so perfectly fitting for this day (and probably everyday for the rest of my life) that I wanted to post it again. This piece says all that I would like to say, but lack the eloquence to do so. Today is a day to celebrate life and hardship, love and family, endurance and strength. Today is a day to celebrate our Sarah. It is also a day to celebrate our sweet Andy, Josh, and Elizabeth because although they do not live with this disease inside their bodies, they carry it around with them in their hearts. Disease affects not only the person living with it, but all those who love that person as well.
Here's to the upcoming year. May we always remember, no matter how hard life may get, that we always have each other to lean on. Family first - always.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by
Emily Perl Kingsley.
Emily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Moments Lived
I often think of the saying, "How we spend our moments is how we spend our lives". The quote has even appeared in this sacred space as well. As the days quietly tick closer to the one year anniversary of Sarah's diagnosis I am reminded of the importance of time and its ever present movement forward. There is no stopping the moments that make up our lives. Not even the most powerful, nor the richest, nor the smartest can stop time. It moves on and on without a care in the world.
Time scares me right now. It worries me so much because I fear that if Sarah does indeed have NMO that she could be one of the 32% that perish within 3 years of being diagnosed. The moments of this past year, I feel, were spent chasing down care for her and trying to find out just what was wrong. What if I spent 1/3 of the time that she has left chasing down a treatment for an inevitable ending? What if the next 2 years are spent doing the same thing? What if all of my moments with her are spent hunting for a treatment or a cure that will make her better when in the end I should have been spending my moments just focused solely on her?
Oh, I know that this scenario sounds crazy and very dramatic. I know this because even rereading my own writing makes me feel a bit silly, but then I remember that she woke from a nap two days ago and both of her legs were tingling. She said that one of her legs felt like it was 50 lbs and the other one 20 lbs. Then I remember that she told me that she almost fell when she got out of bed because the pins and needs were so bad. Things are better now, and she has been fine since that incident, but it scared me so much. I worry that her vision (although doing GREAT right now - she tested ta 20/40 on the last day of her plasmapheresis treatment) will be the first to go, followed by her legs. It is so heartbreaking to watch a disease take over your child's body and to know that there is most likely not a damn thing you can do, but hope and pray.
That is why I am reminded daily of my moments. Every day that goes by that I say, "Oh, I will start that tomorrow." or "We will begin doing that tomorrow once such and such is completed." I am wasting my time. I cannot live my life as if I have a thousand tomorrow's. I cannot live my life with the assumption that my children will outlive me. I know better than that now, and it makes it all the more worse when I, of all people, waste my days doing stupid things and being wrapped up in things that do not matter.
I know that there are some who have prayed for Sarah and our family. I want to thank you for doing that. I need to ask you to pray for me now and to pray that God shows me how to make each day count. To seize the day and to use my moments to make the best life that I possibly can because I am so afraid that someday I will look at this time and be filled with so much regret.
Carpe Diem.
Time scares me right now. It worries me so much because I fear that if Sarah does indeed have NMO that she could be one of the 32% that perish within 3 years of being diagnosed. The moments of this past year, I feel, were spent chasing down care for her and trying to find out just what was wrong. What if I spent 1/3 of the time that she has left chasing down a treatment for an inevitable ending? What if the next 2 years are spent doing the same thing? What if all of my moments with her are spent hunting for a treatment or a cure that will make her better when in the end I should have been spending my moments just focused solely on her?
Oh, I know that this scenario sounds crazy and very dramatic. I know this because even rereading my own writing makes me feel a bit silly, but then I remember that she woke from a nap two days ago and both of her legs were tingling. She said that one of her legs felt like it was 50 lbs and the other one 20 lbs. Then I remember that she told me that she almost fell when she got out of bed because the pins and needs were so bad. Things are better now, and she has been fine since that incident, but it scared me so much. I worry that her vision (although doing GREAT right now - she tested ta 20/40 on the last day of her plasmapheresis treatment) will be the first to go, followed by her legs. It is so heartbreaking to watch a disease take over your child's body and to know that there is most likely not a damn thing you can do, but hope and pray.
That is why I am reminded daily of my moments. Every day that goes by that I say, "Oh, I will start that tomorrow." or "We will begin doing that tomorrow once such and such is completed." I am wasting my time. I cannot live my life as if I have a thousand tomorrow's. I cannot live my life with the assumption that my children will outlive me. I know better than that now, and it makes it all the more worse when I, of all people, waste my days doing stupid things and being wrapped up in things that do not matter.
I know that there are some who have prayed for Sarah and our family. I want to thank you for doing that. I need to ask you to pray for me now and to pray that God shows me how to make each day count. To seize the day and to use my moments to make the best life that I possibly can because I am so afraid that someday I will look at this time and be filled with so much regret.
Carpe Diem.
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| Photo taken from Pinterest.com |
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Wednesday's Inspiration
When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world. As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.
But it, too, seemed immovable.
As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.
And now as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.
From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world.
- Anonymous
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Serving Others
I have never been one to graciously help another. I don't volunteer at the hospital. I don't offer to watch other people's children. When a fellow member of my community is in need of help I will almost always bury my head in the sand until the need of help passes. I try and excuse my behavior by saying I am too busy with 4 children, or too busy with Sarah's medical needs, or too busy with homeschooling, etc...but what message is this sending my children? A bad one.
I have been reading the Bible everyday and also reading this amazing serious of Joshua books by Joseph Girzone. Both the Bible and the Joshua book series talk often of serving others. Of helping those less fortunate than yourself or of helping those in need. I didn't realize this before (or maybe I didn't want to), but it is my duty as a human being to help others in need. And it is my duty to not only explain to my children that helping those in need is a must, but to also show them how to help others. So often we are so "busy" with our lives that we do not take the time to help anyone else unless it serves us some purpose. Unless we get something out of it. At least that is the way that I certainly was.
I never took those pleas very seriously when someone reached out for help. I always took the approach that someone else would help. Someone less busy, with less children, with less responsibility. But, you know what? We are all busy and we all have a lot of responsibility and the number of children that we have has nothing to do with our ability to help others.
Or when I did help others I would let everyone I know that I was helping someone, so that I could get a pat on the back from all I told. That isn't what helping someone is about. Good works and deeds should be between me and God. Not between me and the whole world. I have been trying to find a way to help others for a bit of time now, and an opportunity fell into my lap today.
I explained to my children what we would be doing. I told them that while the job would not be much fun it would be very much appreciated by the recipient. We talked about why helping others is so beneficial. The kids did a great job helping out - the boys more so than the girls, but that is to be expected. The best part about the whole thing was that our help, even if only for a few hours, was appreciated so much.
And so, we will keep our eyes open from now on and look for ways to serve others. This is such an important lesson that my kids learn. Serving others seems to be fading away as we all lose ourselves in our technologies that keep us apart from one another. That is a shame.
We have been so blessed by those who have served us during our trials with Sarah. It is time to Pay It Forward.
I have been reading the Bible everyday and also reading this amazing serious of Joshua books by Joseph Girzone. Both the Bible and the Joshua book series talk often of serving others. Of helping those less fortunate than yourself or of helping those in need. I didn't realize this before (or maybe I didn't want to), but it is my duty as a human being to help others in need. And it is my duty to not only explain to my children that helping those in need is a must, but to also show them how to help others. So often we are so "busy" with our lives that we do not take the time to help anyone else unless it serves us some purpose. Unless we get something out of it. At least that is the way that I certainly was.
I never took those pleas very seriously when someone reached out for help. I always took the approach that someone else would help. Someone less busy, with less children, with less responsibility. But, you know what? We are all busy and we all have a lot of responsibility and the number of children that we have has nothing to do with our ability to help others.
Or when I did help others I would let everyone I know that I was helping someone, so that I could get a pat on the back from all I told. That isn't what helping someone is about. Good works and deeds should be between me and God. Not between me and the whole world. I have been trying to find a way to help others for a bit of time now, and an opportunity fell into my lap today.
I explained to my children what we would be doing. I told them that while the job would not be much fun it would be very much appreciated by the recipient. We talked about why helping others is so beneficial. The kids did a great job helping out - the boys more so than the girls, but that is to be expected. The best part about the whole thing was that our help, even if only for a few hours, was appreciated so much.
And so, we will keep our eyes open from now on and look for ways to serve others. This is such an important lesson that my kids learn. Serving others seems to be fading away as we all lose ourselves in our technologies that keep us apart from one another. That is a shame.
We have been so blessed by those who have served us during our trials with Sarah. It is time to Pay It Forward.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Healthy Habits - Week 1 - My Ground Rules/Struggles/Successes
In trying to become more healthy I knew that there were several key things that would make this attempt successful. One of the biggest pieces of this success will be to keep a food, liquid, and exercise journal documenting all things consumed and all activities done in the name of better health.
In my food journal I label each day at the top and then have a special section where I keep track of how many 20oz (that is how big our glasses are) cups of water I drink each day. I have another section where I list what exercise I did for the day. Finally, I have then have a large section where I jot everything that enters my mouth that is not water (coffee, tea, etc...) and all food.
On the very first page of my food journal I have listed 10 rules for myself:
Rules for Success
Eat Vegan Foods Only
Have 3 Servings of Fruit Daily
Write Down All Exercise, Beverages, and Food Consumed Daily
Weigh In On Monday and Thursday
Forgive and Move On
Try For 5 Servings of Veggies Daily
Only Water, Hot Coffee, and Unsweetened Iced Tea to Drink
Work Up to 6 Days of Cardio & 2-3 Days of Weight Training
Be Proud of All Changes No Matter How Small
(Small Changes Added Together = Big Changes)
Goal: Lose Enough Weight That I Am Healthy and To Make These Changes Permanent
Successes for This Week:
- In 4 days I have Lost 3.5 lbs
- I exercised 3 out of 4 days
- I kept my food journal daily
Struggles for This Past Week:
- It was hard to remember to drink water
- It was hard to keep up with my food journal
- I forgot how much more work it takes to prepare healthy meals for myself.
-I couldn't resist one of my father-in-laws delicious homemade cinnamon muffins. (Definitely not vegan or healthy.)
Goals for the Upcoming Week:
- Keep up food journal.
- Keep exercising.
- Try to incorporate more water into my day.
Friday, May 9, 2014
Dots
P.S. Sarah is doing well. Her vision has not changed, but her spirits are soaring. I will take that any day. I am not sure that we will ever see the improvements that we were once hoping for, but sometimes it is those who cannot see that have the best vision of all. Plasmapheresis has given us a break from her steroids which is something that her little body so desperately needed. Last treatment is next Wednesday - keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
A Year In Review
I wrote this post last year with so much hope and promise for the upcoming year. I am glad that I did not know then the heartbreak that was just around the corner. I am not sure if I would have survived if I had known.
This past year broke my heart. It hurt me so deeply that I sometimes, still, find myself rubbing my chest to try and comfort the ache that does not seem to dull, even with the passing of time. In fact, with the 1 year anniversary almost upon us of Sarah's diagnosis, I find that the ache is becoming more pronounced. I find myself tearing up at random times just thinking about how hard it has been. The uncertainty. The unknown.
This past year was like living life in a constant state of high alert. I felt (and still feel) like it is just one fire alarm after another with Sarah, and that the hope for life to get back to a new normal is a dream that will never come true. I don't know how I will manage if my life will be all about living in high alert constantly. That state of mind and body is completely exhausting.
I feel like I was able to focus on nothing other than Sarah and the ramifications of having a child with a serious illness. I feel like I was constantly running from one child to another trying to keep them out of crisis mode while trying to fight for good care for Sarah.
This past year proved to me time and time again how hard life can be. How unfair and unjust it is. How utterly heartbreaking it can be with no rhyme or reason. It proved to me that sometimes bad things happen to beautiful souls and that there is no explanation for that other than it is what it is.
This past year wasn't terrible all of the time. There were times of pure joy. Joy which I never would have appreciated had I not been through hell. I got to bring all 4 of my children home to homeschool them. I loved doing this, and it was (and still is) and honor to have them home with me. We have learned so much together as a family because of this adventure. Being together made Sarah's hospitalizations less difficult on us all - for this I am sure.
There were gifts that I was given this year too. The gift of Hope. Hope carried me through so many of my dark moments this past year. It also, at times, cut me deeply, especially when things did not go as I hoped them to. The gifts of Life and of Health were bestowed upon me this year. At least the knowledge of them as gifts were bestowed upon me. You see, I took Life for granted. I took Health for granted too. But, I know better now, and I do not see myself ever taking either for granted again. Because the fact of the matter is that none of us, not even the most pure among us - children, are guaranteed Health or Life. I hold those thoughts so close to my heart, and think about them often. Remembering these things is important to me because it enables me to remember to make each day count. That even the mundane of passing days has something important to teach me and should be respected.
I learned a lot this past year. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about my children. I learned a lot about my husband. My children are these amazing souls that are resilient and beautiful and wonderful. I am so honored to be their mother. All of them have taught me so much this year. I learned that I am a warrior. That I will do whatever I feel is right and necessary to care for ALL of my children. I learned that my intuition is spot on and should be revered. It is not to be doubted. I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined myself to be.
Something that surprised me this year, was that even though I am very strong, I still need to have faith in something bigger than myself. I still need someone to help me carry my load. I didn't think that I would ever want a relationship with God, but I do. I am not talking about the churchy church kind of relationship - although that doesn't mean that I won't go to church ever - it just means that in doing some reading, today's churches and religious denominations look at a lot different than what I think that God intended them to look like.
I learned that there is someone who ALWAYS has it worse than I do.
I learned to appreciate that even though things are bad they can always be worse.
I learned that it is okay to be sad, mad, scared, etc...because right now, yeah - our family does have it a bit worse than others. I just don't want to dwell in those places for too long because, again, someone else would give up a lot to be where we are at. Because to someone else our pain is nothing compared to theirs.
I learned that I have an amazing community of friends who would do anything for us. I learned how much I need those people and how much I love them. I learned that my children have an amazing group of best friends whom I adore.
I learned (again) that my family, both immediate and extended, are my rock. They are what keep me grounded and keep things real. They supported me when I was not able to support myself because I was so broken.
Now, out with the old - in with the new....
*********************************************************************************
I am 35 now. I just celebrated my birthday yesterday. All of my focus was on my family this past year, but this year I am going to dedicate to myself. My health is my priority this year. My physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health are my main priorities. I am going to take care of myself because myself is all that I have. I don't get another body. I don't get a do over at life. The best thing that I can do for my children and husband is to care for myself.
I am not sure exactly what this is going to look like, but I have some ideas. I am going to change up my blog a bit, so that you can help me accomplish my goals. On each day I will post about a certain topic. This way, you know what is coming (sort of) and I know what to write about (sort of).
Monday - Weight Loss Central - I will post how much weight I have lost the previous week. What worked for me during the week prior. What didn't work for me. Exercise/Food thoughts (for me).
Tuesday - Parenting/Homemaking
Wednesday - Things that Inspire Me and/or Things I am thankful for
Thursday - Parenting/Homemaking
Friday - Family Menu / Food questions/ Recipes, etc...
Saturday - Nature/Gardening/Hiking
We'll try this format out - beginning on Monday and see how it goes. It might stink and I will just revert back to hairy carry way of blogging, but I thought it was worth it to try something different.
Thanks for hanging in there with me this past year. I know that it was kind of a depressing year. Blah! You, dear reader, helped carry me as well as my family and friends. You gave me a place to write and get out thoughts that I could not adequately get out otherwise. Thank you! Now, let's have a good year, okay?
This past year broke my heart. It hurt me so deeply that I sometimes, still, find myself rubbing my chest to try and comfort the ache that does not seem to dull, even with the passing of time. In fact, with the 1 year anniversary almost upon us of Sarah's diagnosis, I find that the ache is becoming more pronounced. I find myself tearing up at random times just thinking about how hard it has been. The uncertainty. The unknown.
This past year was like living life in a constant state of high alert. I felt (and still feel) like it is just one fire alarm after another with Sarah, and that the hope for life to get back to a new normal is a dream that will never come true. I don't know how I will manage if my life will be all about living in high alert constantly. That state of mind and body is completely exhausting.
I feel like I was able to focus on nothing other than Sarah and the ramifications of having a child with a serious illness. I feel like I was constantly running from one child to another trying to keep them out of crisis mode while trying to fight for good care for Sarah.
This past year proved to me time and time again how hard life can be. How unfair and unjust it is. How utterly heartbreaking it can be with no rhyme or reason. It proved to me that sometimes bad things happen to beautiful souls and that there is no explanation for that other than it is what it is.
This past year wasn't terrible all of the time. There were times of pure joy. Joy which I never would have appreciated had I not been through hell. I got to bring all 4 of my children home to homeschool them. I loved doing this, and it was (and still is) and honor to have them home with me. We have learned so much together as a family because of this adventure. Being together made Sarah's hospitalizations less difficult on us all - for this I am sure.
There were gifts that I was given this year too. The gift of Hope. Hope carried me through so many of my dark moments this past year. It also, at times, cut me deeply, especially when things did not go as I hoped them to. The gifts of Life and of Health were bestowed upon me this year. At least the knowledge of them as gifts were bestowed upon me. You see, I took Life for granted. I took Health for granted too. But, I know better now, and I do not see myself ever taking either for granted again. Because the fact of the matter is that none of us, not even the most pure among us - children, are guaranteed Health or Life. I hold those thoughts so close to my heart, and think about them often. Remembering these things is important to me because it enables me to remember to make each day count. That even the mundane of passing days has something important to teach me and should be respected.
I learned a lot this past year. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about my children. I learned a lot about my husband. My children are these amazing souls that are resilient and beautiful and wonderful. I am so honored to be their mother. All of them have taught me so much this year. I learned that I am a warrior. That I will do whatever I feel is right and necessary to care for ALL of my children. I learned that my intuition is spot on and should be revered. It is not to be doubted. I learned that I am so much stronger than I ever imagined myself to be.
Something that surprised me this year, was that even though I am very strong, I still need to have faith in something bigger than myself. I still need someone to help me carry my load. I didn't think that I would ever want a relationship with God, but I do. I am not talking about the churchy church kind of relationship - although that doesn't mean that I won't go to church ever - it just means that in doing some reading, today's churches and religious denominations look at a lot different than what I think that God intended them to look like.
I learned that there is someone who ALWAYS has it worse than I do.
I learned to appreciate that even though things are bad they can always be worse.
I learned that it is okay to be sad, mad, scared, etc...because right now, yeah - our family does have it a bit worse than others. I just don't want to dwell in those places for too long because, again, someone else would give up a lot to be where we are at. Because to someone else our pain is nothing compared to theirs.
I learned that I have an amazing community of friends who would do anything for us. I learned how much I need those people and how much I love them. I learned that my children have an amazing group of best friends whom I adore.
I learned (again) that my family, both immediate and extended, are my rock. They are what keep me grounded and keep things real. They supported me when I was not able to support myself because I was so broken.
Now, out with the old - in with the new....
*********************************************************************************
I am 35 now. I just celebrated my birthday yesterday. All of my focus was on my family this past year, but this year I am going to dedicate to myself. My health is my priority this year. My physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health are my main priorities. I am going to take care of myself because myself is all that I have. I don't get another body. I don't get a do over at life. The best thing that I can do for my children and husband is to care for myself.
I am not sure exactly what this is going to look like, but I have some ideas. I am going to change up my blog a bit, so that you can help me accomplish my goals. On each day I will post about a certain topic. This way, you know what is coming (sort of) and I know what to write about (sort of).
Monday - Weight Loss Central - I will post how much weight I have lost the previous week. What worked for me during the week prior. What didn't work for me. Exercise/Food thoughts (for me).
Tuesday - Parenting/Homemaking
Wednesday - Things that Inspire Me and/or Things I am thankful for
Thursday - Parenting/Homemaking
Friday - Family Menu / Food questions/ Recipes, etc...
Saturday - Nature/Gardening/Hiking
We'll try this format out - beginning on Monday and see how it goes. It might stink and I will just revert back to hairy carry way of blogging, but I thought it was worth it to try something different.
Thanks for hanging in there with me this past year. I know that it was kind of a depressing year. Blah! You, dear reader, helped carry me as well as my family and friends. You gave me a place to write and get out thoughts that I could not adequately get out otherwise. Thank you! Now, let's have a good year, okay?
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
A Birthday Celebration - Andy
Dear Andy,
Thank you for being such a wonderful young man, and not being too upset that your birthday was not as amazing as past birthday's have been. I know that you were pretty bummed that the places to play laser tag and ride go carts were closed. I am sorry that Sarah's treatment took a couple of hours longer than expected and that we did not get home until 2 pm. I hope you had fun playing video games with the kids and going to Grandpa's to shoot your BB gun. I hope dinner with the whole family at the Olive Garden was as fun as you wanted it to be and that your Oreo ice cream cake was as delicious as you thought it would be when you asked Dad and I do get that for you as your cake selection.
You are am absolutely AMAZING young man. I have said it a million times, but I will continue to say it until the day I die: you are my inspiration for so much of what I do. You have the sweetest demeanor. I admire the fact that you know who you are and aren't going to let anyone or anything sway your personal convictions. You remind me so much of my grandpa - and you know how I feel about him. You have all of his wonderful qualities, and I am truly blessed to have both of you in my life to be a beacon of light to me.
I know that this past year has been really hard on all of us., I am proud of how wonderful you have been in absorbing all that is happening to us and asking questions when you need to, but also helping out when Dad and I needed you to.
You have grown by leaps and bounds this past year. Your voice has changed - I sometimes think Dad is home when really it is the sound of your voice I hear. You are moving from a little boy to a young man, and I am so very honored to be able to walk beside you through this process of growing up.
I hope that you have an amazing upcoming year. I hope that it is everything that you imagine it to be. You are an amazing son, and I am so honored to be your mother.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Mom
Thank you for being such a wonderful young man, and not being too upset that your birthday was not as amazing as past birthday's have been. I know that you were pretty bummed that the places to play laser tag and ride go carts were closed. I am sorry that Sarah's treatment took a couple of hours longer than expected and that we did not get home until 2 pm. I hope you had fun playing video games with the kids and going to Grandpa's to shoot your BB gun. I hope dinner with the whole family at the Olive Garden was as fun as you wanted it to be and that your Oreo ice cream cake was as delicious as you thought it would be when you asked Dad and I do get that for you as your cake selection.
You are am absolutely AMAZING young man. I have said it a million times, but I will continue to say it until the day I die: you are my inspiration for so much of what I do. You have the sweetest demeanor. I admire the fact that you know who you are and aren't going to let anyone or anything sway your personal convictions. You remind me so much of my grandpa - and you know how I feel about him. You have all of his wonderful qualities, and I am truly blessed to have both of you in my life to be a beacon of light to me.
I know that this past year has been really hard on all of us., I am proud of how wonderful you have been in absorbing all that is happening to us and asking questions when you need to, but also helping out when Dad and I needed you to.
You have grown by leaps and bounds this past year. Your voice has changed - I sometimes think Dad is home when really it is the sound of your voice I hear. You are moving from a little boy to a young man, and I am so very honored to be able to walk beside you through this process of growing up.
I hope that you have an amazing upcoming year. I hope that it is everything that you imagine it to be. You are an amazing son, and I am so honored to be your mother.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Love,
Mom
Friday, May 2, 2014
Day 4 - A Day of Celebration
Bob sent me a text this morning to let me know that Sarah's surgery went well. Her central line is in place. I didn't realize that she was going to be put under general anesthesia for this procedure, but she was. She was in recovery the last time I heard from him and he was just about to be let in to see her. I hate to say it, but I am glad he is there with her instead of me. I have gone through that process of putting her under and being there when she wakes up before and I don't like it. It makes me so sad to see her little body lying there so helpless and groggy.
She will have one more treatment in the hospital, and then we are on an outpatient basis beginning on Monday.
Anyway, if everything goes as planned Sarah should be released around 4 pm today. We are planning on having a small celebration party for her with her immediate family. My kids are super excited that she is coming home. As long as she is up for it, visitors are more then welcome starting tomorrow. I know that being away is hard on her both physically and mentally, so seeing her friends / cousins would be very much appreciated.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.
She will have one more treatment in the hospital, and then we are on an outpatient basis beginning on Monday.
Anyway, if everything goes as planned Sarah should be released around 4 pm today. We are planning on having a small celebration party for her with her immediate family. My kids are super excited that she is coming home. As long as she is up for it, visitors are more then welcome starting tomorrow. I know that being away is hard on her both physically and mentally, so seeing her friends / cousins would be very much appreciated.
Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Day 2 & 3
I have some great, great news!!!! Sarah gets to come home early!!! If her surgery goes well tomorrow to put in a central line either under her clavicle or in her neck (which ever they can get to) then she will under go her second plasmapheresis treatment in the hospital and then they will release her tomorrow afternoon. (She currently has a central line in her groin, but she cannot go home with that one, so that is why they are taking that one out and putting in a new one in her clavicle/neck.) She will have to undergo thrice weekly plasmapheresis sessions on an outpatient basis for the next two weeks, but she will be home when not there.
I am thankful that she gets to come home. I had no idea how we were going to make it through 15 days of hospitalization. 4 days of it will be enough for us.
Day 2 of her hospital stay went well. She received her first plasmapheresis treatment yesterday, and everything went smoothly. She also had a couple of eye tests to determine how much atrophy there on her optic nerves.
Sometime during the night last night her IV started to bug her when being flushed, but so far no blown line. The nurses are keeping a close eye on it though. I am nervous about it blowing tomorrow because she has to be put under sedation to receive her central line, and the nurses will use her current IV to administer her medicine. Hopefully, this will not be the case.
Day 3 was okay. She was restless today. We had to stay in our room for a good portion of the day waiting to meet with doctors, but we tried to make the best of our time by reading, doing crafts, playing board games, and doing school work. (She just loved that I brought her school work to the hospital - not!)
Tomorrow will be a waiting game for me. Bob is with Sarah tonight, and I am nervous wreck about her surgery. I don't want her to be in pain - I know that she most likely won't be - at least not while the surgery is going on, but still I don't want her to be hurting when she wakes up from her surgery either. The whole process makes me nervous. Her coming home with a tube sticking out her neck area makes me really nervous too.
Thank you to all who have reached out to me. I appreciate it. I have been so busy bouncing back and forth that I have not had much time to respond to you - please forgive me.
Thank you also for all of your prayers and well wishes. I believe that it was partly those thoughts and prayers that got her released early.
Tomorrow night will be an evening of celebration in our house. Our girl is coming home!
I am thankful that she gets to come home. I had no idea how we were going to make it through 15 days of hospitalization. 4 days of it will be enough for us.
Day 2 of her hospital stay went well. She received her first plasmapheresis treatment yesterday, and everything went smoothly. She also had a couple of eye tests to determine how much atrophy there on her optic nerves.
Sometime during the night last night her IV started to bug her when being flushed, but so far no blown line. The nurses are keeping a close eye on it though. I am nervous about it blowing tomorrow because she has to be put under sedation to receive her central line, and the nurses will use her current IV to administer her medicine. Hopefully, this will not be the case.
Day 3 was okay. She was restless today. We had to stay in our room for a good portion of the day waiting to meet with doctors, but we tried to make the best of our time by reading, doing crafts, playing board games, and doing school work. (She just loved that I brought her school work to the hospital - not!)
Tomorrow will be a waiting game for me. Bob is with Sarah tonight, and I am nervous wreck about her surgery. I don't want her to be in pain - I know that she most likely won't be - at least not while the surgery is going on, but still I don't want her to be hurting when she wakes up from her surgery either. The whole process makes me nervous. Her coming home with a tube sticking out her neck area makes me really nervous too.
Thank you to all who have reached out to me. I appreciate it. I have been so busy bouncing back and forth that I have not had much time to respond to you - please forgive me.
Thank you also for all of your prayers and well wishes. I believe that it was partly those thoughts and prayers that got her released early.
Tomorrow night will be an evening of celebration in our house. Our girl is coming home!
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