Chores

I have always been pretty bad about giving my kids chores. I know that it is good for them to have them, and I know that they SHOULD have had chores since they were little, but I just never enforced any.

As my kids have gotten older, I have become increasingly frustrated by the fact that they still leave stuff around like they did when they were 2 and 3.  As I weigh my decision to bring them all home for the upcoming school year one thought keeps popping up over and over again: "I cannot school them at home AND keep a house in order." Since my desire to bring them home is pretty strong I knew that the one side that had to give was the lack of contribution on their parts. I need them to help make my load lighter both figuratively and literally.

In their defense, they do help out when asked. We have something called 'family cleaning' time in our house where the entire family will take 20 - 30 minutes to pick up and put stuff away.  I am of the mind set though, that this shouldn't be happening as often as it does because if everyone would just pick up after themselves to begin with then our family clean time would only last 5 - 10 minutes.



I purchased a book a while ago, and even wrote a post about it, called Large Family Logistics, by Kim Brenneman. I LOVE this book - the first time I read it I made the mistake of not using a highlighter and taking notes. THIS time through I am doing both of those things, and the information is sticking in my brain a bit better.

Basically, Kim talks about how to TEACH your children to do household chores, and then how to make sure that those chores become second nature. She talks about how today's kids (mine would fall under this category) are pretty lazy because nothing is expected of them, and how we (I took her to mean me) are setting our kids up for failure because they are going to leave our homes, and will not have the skills to set up their own home.  I know that some people may be reading this post thinking, "Duh!!!", but to me her writing was more like an "Aha!".

Kim suggests giving kids the same chores to do all of the time, so that they learn to master it, and again, so those chores becoming like second nature to them. Eventually, I will not even have to ask if they have been done because they will become ingrained in the kids psyche. I couldn't agree with this more. In the past, when I have tried the whole chore chart thing, I was changing up the chores every week, which was a huge pain in the neck for me.

I know that implementing this new system is going to be a bit painful, and very time consuming for me at first. Not only am I going to have to follow up with everyone on whether or not they did their assigned chores, but I am also going to have to show everyone HOW I want each chore done. After all, how in the world can I expect my kids to do a chore properly (i.e. the way that I want it done) if they have not been shown?

I struggle with being a good housewife because I was never shown how - I never really had chores when I was growing up - and although I would not have liked them when I was doing them I think that the act of doing them would have served me very well as an adult. I am a lazy home maker most of the time, and I don't want that for my kids. I want both my boys and my girls to be able to take care of a home both for themselves, and then if they should choose, when they get married and have families of their own.

So, today I am going to sit down make a list of chores I feel is appropriate for each child to have, and then I am going to roll out the system tonight. I'll let you know how it goes, so stay tuned. : )

A Grateful Heart

How do you accurately describe to those around you - friends, family, friends of friends, people I don't even know personally - how much their generosity means?

How do you let them know that what they are doing makes your heart so happy it hurts? That their love is felt in the deepest parts of your being?

How do you let those around you know that it means so much that, they too, would do anything within their power to help my sweet girl be cured of MS?

How do you thank them all for showing you just how much your whole family means to them?

I do not have the answers to any of those questions. I wish I did though. Thanking them all seems like such a feeble attempt to describe the honest to goodness gratitude that I feel in my heart.

This collective group of generous  people has shown me more about selfless giving then I have experienced in my whole adult life.

When Sarah was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I felt so small, insignificant, and powerless. I felt, for a short time, that in the scope of the Universe my family did not matter, and that I did not matter because if we mattered then we would not have been given such crushing news. How I have been proven wrong! The outpouring of love and support, not only for Team Hope, but in every aspect of our family life has shown me that not only do we matter, but we matter a lot to a lot of different people. The support for Team Hope has done more than just support a very worthy cause, it has shown me that no matter how small we may feel - we ALWAYS matter to someone.

Each day as I see the dollar amount increase for the amount raised in Sarah's honor I tear up. I tear up more now than I did when she was initially diagnosed to be quite honest. I tear up because every time someone donates, or tells me that they will be donating in the future, or offers to help our family out in other ways, it let's my heart know that the burdens of this journey are not mine alone - they are carried by my family, my friends, and even by those whom I do not know very well.

I do not know yet, how I feel about God. The jury is still out for me on that subject. What I can tell you though, is that if there is a God, he has many faces, and I see them all in my family, friends, and strangers I do not know, who have all taken the time to make my cause their cause.

I will never be able to show, tell, or verbalize just how thankful I am, but maybe that is just another gift that all of these wonderful people are trying to give me. Sometimes, maybe there aren't enough words to describe the heartfelt gratitude, but just the acceptance that those people know, when offering their support, that their gift is more than words can say. The beauty of that is truly one of the wonders of the world.

Catching Up with Pictures

No stories or thoughts today. Just catching you up on life via pictures...

Mother's Day at the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo. It was freezing!!!

Our annual children's picture on the elephant. My mom has been taking this pictures since Andy was 2 weeks old.

Sarah's first day home from the hospital after visit #1. The girls enjoyed an afternoon of just hanging out and being together.

Josh's birthday. He decided to get his friends together for a game of kickball at the elementary school.

 Sarah's first day home from the hospital after the 2nd visit.  We had family over to celebrate Sarah's homecoming and also to celebrate the importance of family.

 Last day of soccer for Elizabeth. She did an AWESOME job this season. I am excited to see what her soccer future looks like. She is one tough chick.

Setting up our pool. (Which is in the process of being taken down b/c we did not have it set up on a flat surface.)  : (

Josh was at a friends party, so the other kids and I had a campfire on the last day of school. (Sarah is eating a S'more).

 

The pool, after it was set up.  

Random Thoughts

I cannot sleep tonight. My brain is racing a mile a minute, and I cannot seem to slow it down. Like a ping pong, my thoughts keep going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth between several thoughts - most of them centering around the MS Pedal to the Point fundraiser I have entered in honor of Sarah.

I worry that I will not be able to complete even the minimum of 30 miles that the bike race requires let alone the 175 I am currently signed up for. I will feel like a complete failure, and I am nervous that I am too weak both physically and mentally to complete even the shortest of the routes offered. I am worried that the donors who are so generously giving up their time and money to support this cause will be so disappointed if I fail to make it 30 miles. Most importantly, I think about Sarah, who does not have a choice in whether she gets to be strong physically and mentally. This disease has taken away her choices physically, and mentally she has no choice to not be anything but strong. I worry that I will quit if the race gets too hard for me whereas she has no choice. She cannot quit the race for her health even if she would like to.

I also worry about not raising very much money. I think about how prior to Sarah's diagnosis I most likely would not have given much of a thought to someone else's plight. I would have felt sympathy for the family, for sure, but if I was asked to give of my time and money I most likely would have said I was too busy or money too tight. I was selfish with my resources - I still am - and I worry that this will come back to bite not only me, but Sarah too. I am worried that Karma is going to laugh in my face at my monetary goals for the MS race, and give back to me what I have given out to those I know who have been in need in the past - very little. My lack of compassion and kindness for others' plights haunts me now, and I worry that it will be Sarah that will have to pay for my transgressions. In my life, I have always hidden behind my children, using the excuses that I have been/am too busy to help out because I am raising my 4 children when the reality is that I could have helped out but I am just a pretty selfish person when it comes to certain things.

Finally, I am worried about how terrible of a receiver I am. The community, my family, friends, and even those I know very little, have offered so much support and help, and I have turned 95% of it away. This is going to sound completely terrible, but a lot of the time I will turn help away because I don't want to feel like  owe anyone anything. (Even writing that sentence makes me feel yucky because I feel like it reveals the dark side of my heart). The crazy thing is that most of the people who have offered to help, I know, would never feel like my family was indebted to them for anything. They are offering their help because they are generous, loving , people who genuinely care about Sarah and our family, and just want to try and make our lives a bit easier during this trying time.  I don't like relying on anyone for anything. I never have really, and this situation is forcing me to look at that part of me and question why I am that way and what I can do to change that part of myself.

So, there it is...these are the thoughts that I am having at 2 am. Hopefully, now that I have gotten them off of my chest I can go to bed and get some rest. Sarah has a neurology appointment tomorrow at 9 am, and I would like to not seem like a zombie when I take her to it.

Team Hope

A friend of the family formed a team (named by Sarah) to ride in the Bike MS - Pedal to the Point. We are trying to raise $2500.00 for the MS Society, so that we can help find a cure for this disease.

Here is the link to help me raise my individual goal of $1000.00. and our team goal of $2500.00.

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Bike/OHABikeEvents?team_id=349860&pg=team&fr_id=20976

More information to come later....

The Missing Piece

I have heard that God will sometimes try and break a person in order to have him submit to His will.  If this is the case then this past year alone I have been broken over and over again with life's disappointments and devastating news.

I have read that this attempted bending of ones will happens to both those who are saved and those who are not saved. I happen to fall into the latter category.

After Sarah was diagnosed with MS I wasn't sure if there was a God at all. I mean, what kind of a Deity, would allow an incurable autoimmune disease to live inside of an 8 year old girl's body? What kind of higher power would have the balls to take away her eyesight not only once, but twice only to restore it partially? 

I cannot fathom, right now, committing my life to a God who seems hell bent on trying to prove something to me, but I also wonder, if all of this past years disappointments haven't been because He was trying to show me something that I would not /could not see on my own. If that is the case, I cannot help but be afraid of what else is headed our way.  I cannot figure out of for the life of me, what lesson I am missing or what point is trying to be made in my life. What am I missing? Am I not grateful enough or thankful enough? Do I not send out enough good Karma? What? What is it?! I am definitely missing a piece of the puzzle.

I need to get this God thing figured out because I feel unsettled. I feel that it is wrong to not believe in a God, but I also just cannot being myself to believe in one. At this point I am just not sure what to do and more importantly, what to believe.

Father's Day

As Father's Day approaches I know that life around here will get a bit busier, and I am not sure if I will have a chance to log in and make a post. I wanted to make sure that I had the chance to honor the best father that I know: my husband, Bob.

My kids are the luckiest kids in the whole world because they have an amazing Dad. They will not be able to fully appreciate how awesome he is until they become adults, and will be able to see with adult eyes all that he did for them while growing up.

From the moment our first son was born, Bob put his children first. Although we were young, he took his role as a father very seriously, and strived early on to be the best dad he possibly could be. Over the years I have watched him grow as a father, and have seen first hand how much all of his hard work has paid off.

He is an amazing role model to our children. He is a hard worker, and a good provider. He is patient, kind, loving, and loyal. He is everything a good dad should be.

Our children adore him, and he has worked hard to earn that adoration. He is the kind of man I would love for my son's to become like when they are grown, and the kind of man I would love for my daughter's to marry when the time comes for them to leave our home and make a new one for themselves.

With all that has happened in our lives recently, I know that this Father's Day will be especially celebrated. It will be cherished more than any other Father's Day has been before because never before has our foundation been shaken so hard. Thank you, dear husband of mine, for being the honest to goodness best father I know. Thank you for showing our children what a father is supposed to be, and being the best role model I know. You are very loved. Happy Father's Day.







Our New Normal

Sarah came home from the hospital this evening, and my heart was happy. Sarah has a condition called Optic Neuritis. Optic Neuritis is when the optical nerve becomes swollen and causes partial or total loss of vision. It is very common in MS patients. The steroids that Sarah has been on for the past 3 weeks (more or less - she was only off of the steroids for 5 days before her symptoms came back) have reduced the swelling in her nerve which is great, but her vision is still pretty bad. One reason this may be is because the myelin are damaged in the part of her brain where vision is housed and her brain is trying to reroute its messages to her eye. Once the rerouting takes place her vision should come back more quickly. Everyone is hopeful that her vision will be restored completely although no one is sure how long it will take. For now, Sarah can see well enough to not bump into walls and can make out objects and people whom she can see peripherally, but she still has very blurry vision in her right eye, and a big black mass over her left eye. Her pupil's are also huge. Every time a doctors/nurse/resident/fellow, etc...would come into her room they would all ask if she had been given drops in her eyes to make her pupils so large - to which we would respond that, 'no', her pupils have been this large since she initially lost her vision on May 18, 2013.

I no longer feel rage, although I know that that darkness may come back at some point. I just feel like this is my new life. It is becoming more comfortable to me - not that I don't wish it was different, because I certainly do - but I know that there is very little - if anything - that I can do to change Sarah's situation. This is the lot that we have been handed, and we will make the best of this situation. I feel that we are a strong enough family to handle this disease without letting it destroy us.

I do still feel sadness, and I know that this emotion is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life. As I was trying to get some much needed rest at home last night (it was Bob's turn to stay with Sarah in the hospital) I saw Sarah's soccer picture hanging on the refrigerator, and it made me tear up because here was my girl smiling for the camera - her pupils had not yet dilated, her headache not yet upon her, and this disease still dormant and undiagnosed. Here was my girl with her old life still before her...there is so much that has changed in not only her life, but in all of our lives since the time that picture was taken.

I take great comfort in knowing that as I sit here and type this my whole family is under 1 roof. I do not take that for granted, and know all too well how quickly that could change. I feel centered and grounded when all of us are here even if we are all doing our own thing. Just being together is a blessing.

I am (finally) going to take some time tomorrow, and establish some new routines for our family. Things that I have been meaning to do, but got sidetracked. I am looking forward to making some changes and getting our new normal up and running. Part of our new normal right now, means that Sarah could have to go back to the hospital at any point. Part of our new normal means not being able to make super concrete plans because we don't know what might pop up. Part of new normal means slowing life down, and enjoying simple pleasures. This will be good for all of us, but especially for me. I am constantly running from point A to point B. This new life will force me to slow down, and that is definitely not a bad thing.

 It is time to start smelling the roses again. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I need to remember that. There have been a lot of disappointments this past year for sure, but those disappointments have led me to where I am today, and this is exactly where I am meant to be.

1 Step Forward and 2 Steps Back

Sarah has been hospitalized again. She lost vision in both of her eyes (again), and is having a hard time getting it back. So much for having a peaceful beginning of summer vacation. I don't want to talk about the details right now, it seems like I have been explaining the same story over and over again to doctors and nurses, and I am just too tired to begin that book again. Just know that we thought we treated her vision issues in her right eye, and were working on getting things back on track with her left eye, when this weekend she lost vision in both again. Same pattern as last time. Black dots followed by blurriness, then eye pain, then eye pain gone, then large black dot, then hardly any vision at all.

I am not angry anymore. This our life now, and I must make the best of it. I have been showing Sarah how to use her hands to help her see. How to feel things, so that her fingers can become her eyes. The doctors are hopeful that her vision will indeed come back, but there is something in the pit of my stomach warning me to be cautious of that hope. It is not a pessimistic feeling, just an ominous feeling - if that even makes any sense.

I am home tonight, and it feels good to be so. Except for a few hours I have not been home since Monday morning, and I miss my home and my 3 other children terribly. Our family, once again, has risen to the occasion, and helped us out a bunch. Friends have also offered their support, and their generosity is very much appreciated.

I wish I had more for you all right now, but I just don't. I do not know when I will be able to blog again (it might be another week or so, or it could be this weekend, who knows?), but I do know that I long for the normalcy of writing about regular days. I will be in touch again as soon as I can.

A New Chapter

The kids last day of school is day, and I can feel my anxiety coming down a notch. I have been waiting for them to come home for quite a while now, but even more so since Sarah's diagnosis. I like when my kids are with me. I like being a family, and sharing experiences and memories together. I have blocked this summer off and we are saying 'no' to all summer camps and sports, etc...No deadlines or places to be this summer. Just pure relaxation.

I hope I don't cry when I pick them up from school. I know that as soon as they walk out of their respective school buildings and into my arms / car I know that it will feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I really need that weight to be gone because I feel as if I am carrying too much right now. I need to start putting some of this baggage down because it is bringing me down. I am wearing thin.

I plan on getting us into a routine right away. A calm routine, but a routine none the less. We will be reorganizing the house starting tomorrow - a little bit each day, and establishing a chore chart so that everyone knows what he/she is responsible for each day. Everyone is old enough to contribute, and will do so. This, too, will help to lighten my load.

We will spend a good amount of time at the lake - although we will also be setting up a pool here at the house for those times when going to the lake is not very convenient.

Sarah's medical bills have started to come in. I realize that there is nothing I can do about them, and will tackle them one at a time. Panicking about them will change nothing, and will only stress me out.

I have been doing a lot of baking /cooking the past two days. I have been saving a ton of money, and it is nice to know exactly what is in the food I am feeding to my children. And although all of my cooking has been very time consuming it makes me feel immensely at peace to be working in the kitchen.

I dare say that I might see a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel.

A Step in the Right Direction

Sarah is off of her steroids. The kids are outside playing, and I can hear their laughter fill the house. It makes me smile.

Sarah's neurologist called this morning. Got the Spinal Tap results back - confirmed that his gut feeling was right - she for certain has MS. (He told us it would come back this way when he admitted her to the hospital, but I secretly wished the results would disprove his medical experience and his gut instincts.) I felt numb this morning.

Made homemade sandwich bread and french bread from scratch this afternoon. I felt like I was accomplishing something. It made my heart happy to be able to provide my family with food made by my own two hands.

Went to two open houses yesterday, and came home and had a melt down. Was angry because of the medical bills piling up. Was angry because I wanted to be able to provide more for my children than this tiny house. Was angry because every single darn time we try to better ourselves and our family (i.e. bigger home, bigger career) it all comes crashing down on us. Was angry because I am tired of feeling like God is constantly peeing in my Wheaties. Scared my husband because my freak out was so bad. Woke up feeling like poop because my house was still a wreck, my life seems like a wreck, my kids lives seem like - can you guess what I am going to say next? - a wreck. Told Bob I was going to get a part time job because I want more. More home, more vacations, more everything. Bob told me to hold tight, and we would have all of that - just not quite yet. Told me getting a job is not yet necessary.

Took Sarah to her class picnic this afternoon, and watched her with her friends. Watched the sparkle in her eye glimmer in the sunshine. Listened to her laughter. Realized that if I got a job I couldn't take her to things like this because I would be at work. Made me realize how much of all of their lives I would miss if I went back to work. Made me feel foolish for even thinking about doing so.

Decided the best way I can help with the finances is to cut back on my gigantic grocery budget. Went grocery shopping - bought 90% organic whole foods. Took me forever to shop, but felt proud that I was able to contribute in a positive way. Plan on making a lot of items from scratch. Spent $100 less than I normally would have just by vowing to make as much of my foods as I can. Put that plan into action today. Made chocolate chip cookies, french bread, sandwich bread from scratch. Made baked ziti for dinner with a salad. Have leftovers of both - didn't throw it away for once - and will reuse it for a leftover night. Felt good.

Came in to type this blog - one of my only outlets right now - and wanted to cry at the mess in the office/playroom. Will take me hours to get it all organized. Chastised myself for letting it get this bad to begin with. Thought of leaving and not blogging. Thought again about how much I enjoy blogging, and decided blog anyway in spite of the mess.

Got sad that Sarah has MS. Still waiting for the nightmare to be over. Got sadder that I am still waiting for the nightmare to be over, and haven't grasped reality yet. Got angry that a child, but especially my child, was diagnosed with such a potentially devastating disease. Vowed to do what ever I could to help find a cure. Vowed that I would eventually have some words with God because there is no way in hell that I am ready to make peace with him/her without doing so. Realized that I am not ready yet to make peace with God because I am still so angry I could spit nails.

Continue to hear my kids yelling and laughing while playing outside, and can feel their childlike joy warm my heart. Feel grateful (I didn't think I would ever use that word in my life again) that I have such awesome kids, and an awesome husband, and an awesome family, and an awesome community who have all been so generous in their love and time and prayers for my Sarah and for all of us. Feel with a deep certainty that our preaching 'family first' to the kids is working. Grateful that I was brought up to think of 'family first', so that I can pass it down to my kids.

Feel that I will get through this one step at a time. Some moments will be ugly, and some beautiful. As time goes on I am hoping for more beautiful moments than ugly, but for now I will take what I can get. Just a couple of weeks ago, I didn't think I was ever going to have another beautiful moment again, and as it always does - time proved me wrong. One foot in front of the other. Little by little. Family first - always.