The Missing Piece

I have heard that God will sometimes try and break a person in order to have him submit to His will.  If this is the case then this past year alone I have been broken over and over again with life's disappointments and devastating news.

I have read that this attempted bending of ones will happens to both those who are saved and those who are not saved. I happen to fall into the latter category.

After Sarah was diagnosed with MS I wasn't sure if there was a God at all. I mean, what kind of a Deity, would allow an incurable autoimmune disease to live inside of an 8 year old girl's body? What kind of higher power would have the balls to take away her eyesight not only once, but twice only to restore it partially? 

I cannot fathom, right now, committing my life to a God who seems hell bent on trying to prove something to me, but I also wonder, if all of this past years disappointments haven't been because He was trying to show me something that I would not /could not see on my own. If that is the case, I cannot help but be afraid of what else is headed our way.  I cannot figure out of for the life of me, what lesson I am missing or what point is trying to be made in my life. What am I missing? Am I not grateful enough or thankful enough? Do I not send out enough good Karma? What? What is it?! I am definitely missing a piece of the puzzle.

I need to get this God thing figured out because I feel unsettled. I feel that it is wrong to not believe in a God, but I also just cannot being myself to believe in one. At this point I am just not sure what to do and more importantly, what to believe.