Outside of Me

My children are so very often, just that, my children. I know that I (with my husband, of course) are raising my kids to become adults who will function outside and apart from me, but it is not too often that I have been able to glimpse who they are as individuals in their own right. As they all get older, and are establishing a life for themselves away from the home, I am able to catch glimpses of who they are in different roles besides 'son' or 'daugther', and I am truly amazed. I am honored to have them as my children. I am honored that someone (God, perhaps?) thought me worthy enough to be the most influential person of their childhood. Some days I feel that I am worthy of this job, and other days I think someone made a mistake because I am too flawed to be anyone else's guide through life. But, just when I think that maybe I shouldn't pursue having another child because there is no way that I am cut out to be a mother, I see one of my kids at school, or playing with friends,  or just living his/her life as he/she was meant to live it, and I know in my heart that this job was meant for me. Bob and I are doing a great job (perfect, ABSOLUTELY not), but a wonderful job none-the-less. I see it in the kindness my kids bestow on others. I see it in the love they give selflessly, and I see it in the generosity of their souls. I am truly the luckiest woman in the world.

A Little Hot Under the Collar

I recently read 'Why Have Kids' by Jessica Valenti, and was outraged by the stances that the author took on the book regarding being a mother. That being said - I think it was a good book because it did get me so upset. I would even recommend to other mothers. Sometimes it takes a little bit of ruffling my feathers to make me realize just how I feel about a certain issue(s) and how important said issues are to me. The basic gist of the book (at least what I got out of it) is that women (and society) put too much pressure on themselves to be the "ideal" mother according to societies standards, and that those standards are very unrealistic thus setting ourselves up for feeling like a failure at motherhood. Putting your child in day care and working full time is completely okay and your child will not be negatively impacted by this decision, and that being a mother is not the most important thing that you will ever do.

I don't agree at all. I think that there is A LOT of value in staying home with our children, and that we, as a society, do not place enough value on mothering. I think that there ARE some women in this world who NEED to work (for financial and emotional reasons) - I know a couple of those women.  BUT, and this is a big BUT there are plenty more families who feel that Mom 'needs' to work when in reality it is their 'wants' that are keeping her feeling like she has to stay employed. A big house, two car payments, nice vacations, the best clothes for the kids, the most expensive sports clubs, etc...I  hate to say this because I know that this topic can and will incite a huge debate on both sides of the spectrum, but I believe in the value of a mommy (or daddy) being home for her/his kids each day.

For a long time I worked - both part time and even full time. My husband and I have never used daycare or anyone other than family to watch our kids. We were lucky that we both worked for the same employer who has a vast array of shifts, so that when we had our kids we could work opposite shifts. When that did not work for us anymore my mother and sister stepped in to help us out on a part time basis. Finally, a little over 2 years ago, I had had it. I was tired of working in a job that made me miserable, and I realized that my kids were only going to be little once. I could/can NEVER get that time back with them - so I quit my job. I wasn't sure if we were going to be able to make ends meet, but you know what? Not only did we makes ends meet, but we realized how little value material possessions really have in this life (which was what my salary was going towards a lot of the time). We don't live in a big house, we keep our cars until they are on their last leg, we don't eat out a lot, we don't go on expensive vacations, and we don't have a ton of extra money. BUT - this is what we do have - a roof over our heads, enough money to put some in savings every month, children who don't go to daycare, children who get a home cooked meal most nights (we eat pizza 1 time a week - especially during football season -we love the NFL in our house), they have a mom who takes them to school, picks them up from school, family time that allows us to bond, children who are grounded and secure in who they are as people. I wouldn't trade those things for the world.

There will be a time for me to someday have a career. I would really like to work with retirees and change the way that this country looks at the elderly and their care. I would like to try to create better conditions in nursing homes, so that the elderly are given and treated with the respect that they deserve. That is a passion of mine. The good thing though is that I know that I can still have that career - just not right now. Our lives are long enough that we can raise our children and still have a career. I just don't think that we can do them both at the same time. Women are amazing creatures. We are extremely talented, but we don't seem to realize that motherhood is a place worth investing our talents in. My children need a mom who is there for them. I am not a helicopter mom - I think that my children need to make mistakes - that is how we learn. I expect my children to make mistakes. I also expect my husband and I to sit down with our children as they make mistakes and discuss them with them. To look at the issue from all angles.

 I don't know...I could go on and on about this topic, but I think I will save it for another time when I am more to the point because I feel myself splintering into a million different directions on this topic.

Expanding the Brood?

So, expanding my brood has been on my mind for quite a while now. I would say between 2- 3 years. I went to my ob/gyn last summer to see what his thoughts were on expanding my family, and whether he thought my body could handle another c-section (I have had 4). He thought that 1-2 more sections would be okay, but nothing beyond that. I took that as a good sign. I had a tubal ligation when I had Elizabeth, so getting pregnant was going to take some effort, which I think is a really good thing because it has allowed me to take the time to decide if I REALLY wanted another child or if there was another hidden reason behind this desire. I was referred to a specialist in tubal reversals - which I am lucky because the office is about 10 minutes from my house - to see if I even qualified for the surgery. I am still in the process to see if I am eligible. The doctor has done several procedures and taken blood work to check out my body to see if it could handle a reversal as well as carry another child. I should know something by the end of the month. Bob has to undergo 1 test before we will be able to have our final consultation to review the results of all of our testing. I feel that if this is meant to be then it will be. If I am not meant to mother more children than the Dr. will let me know that I am not eligible for the surgery, and I would be okay with that (I think). On the other hand if the Dr. says I AM eligible - the joy I would feel in my heart is crazy. I have always felt like I made a sound decision in tying my tubes because that was part of my life's journey. BUT I have also felt, for many, many years, that I did something "wrong" because I denied nature the ability to decide if I was meant to have more children. I know that both of these thoughts are on opposite sides of the spectrum, and seem to contradict each other, but in weird way I understand and accept both sides. I would not have felt the way I do today without making the decisions I made 6 years ago when Elizabeth was born.

The other side of this coin is my husband and his thoughts and feelings on the issue. Bob is very happy with our family just the way it is. He would have been much happier had I not brought this idea to him about a year and a half ago. That being said, I know in my heart, that if I asked him to have another child with me (which I have) that he would do it because he knew how much it meant to me. I had to "convince" him to have child 3 and 4, and he loves our girls more than life itself, so I have no doubt that if we went the route of the reversal and were able to get pregnant again, that he would love child 5 just as much. We are very much ying/yang. Bob is very practical, and I am the dreamer of the two. Bob thinks about things - I feel things (and think way too much about stuff too). I respect my husbands opinions very much on the topic, and would never want him to have a child that he resented or did not want. That would be a terrible life for a child to live, and I would rather not have a child at all, than have a child that felt unloved by his father. (I say 'his' because  I KNOW this baby would be a boy - I have had about 4-5 dreams about him. I have seen him in my dreams too which is crazy.) That being said - I just don't see my husband feeling that way about him once he was born. I know that there is a part of him that is intrigued by this issue because he has been entertaining conversations about it for a while now, and I can also tell by some of the comments he has made to me. I think most of him wishes that I would change my mind about wanting this, but a growing part of him understands that the journey of parenthood is really quite fast, and at the end of the day all have is our loved ones. He has always left the family planning largely to me, and I think that he trusts that I would not add another child to our family if I did not think it would be a good idea.

There are times when, I too, think I am crazy for wanting to pursue this idea. I haven't had to deal with tired nights of being up, diapers, nursing, bottles, diaper bag, toddlers, etc...for several years. Why would I want to go back to all of that, especially when I have 4 of the most amazing children in this world? But then my heart stills, that ever nagging voice in my head quiets, and I find the part of me where peace and serenity lives, and I realize that I want to do this because I am a good mother. Because my children are a gift to this world. Because my children are the greatest blessing I will ever receive. Because children grow all too fast, and their time with me is fleeting. Because in my heart I am meant to mother more children. Because more children are more precious to me than dream vacations, a bigger house, fancy cars, and designer clothes. Because as with everything in life, "this too shall pass", and I don't want it to pass with the empty feeling of knowing that there was someone else who was supposed to be here in this world.

Elizabeth

 

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, Elizabeth...I think I could really write an entire blog just about her, and all of her antics. Elizabeth is, to say the least, my most spirited child. She is by far, the hardest of all of my children to raise. She has her own mind, her own mouth, and her own body and feels that none of them need to be guided in any way other than the way that she sees fit. If I were to give the directions to the kids, "Please walk", all of the other kids would indeed walk, but not Elizabeth. Even if she had no intention of running before I said to walk, she would start running because it is the opposite of what someone with authority said to do.

 

Elizabeth just turned 6 this August, and from the day she was born she has been a handful. There are (many) days when I feel overwhelmed by her, and just want to walk out the door to some luxury vacation spot because after all, I have been her mother for 6 years, and deserve some reward, right?

 

She is definitely a pistol. She can be quite loving when she wants to, and is also very smart and cunning. I swear she is going to be the death of me.

 

 

Sarah

 Sarah is my third born child, and is now 7. She is anxiously awaiting her 8th birthday which is in December, but I am trying to just enjoy her as she is without the rush of getting older. What to say about Sarah? Well, she is most like me which can be a negative thing because sometimes I have a really hard time handling her the way that she needs to be mothered. I tend to run out of patience with her faster than I do the other kids, and I don't mean to, but I just see so much of myself in her it drives me crazy. (Yes, we could all psychoanalyze that statement, but let's not, okay?) I need to learn to be a better mother to Sarah. I am working on it. Trust me.

Sarah is definitely a perfectionist. Everything has to be just right - from her school work to sports, to clothes, to everything....It makes me sad sometimes because I wonder if I made her that way somehow. I hope not.

Sarah is extremely bright, and excels in the public school environment. She has a lot of friends and is very social. She is also a gifted artist. She loves crafts, and will spend hours creating different things. I love her works of art. I am terrible at art, so I admire and appreciate her talents very much. I love to see what she comes up with each time she gets out her crafts.

Sarah is very much a girly, girl. She loves dresses and having her hair done. She is a very sweet girl, and I am lucky to have her in my life. She was by far the easiest baby that I had, and I remember her early months more than any of the other children because she was just so much fun to have around. Her brothers adored her when she was a baby and doted on her like none other.

Joshua

Josh is, like his brother, a very sweet boy. He turned double digits this past May, and it amazes me how fast a decade passed. Josh is my observer. He takes in his entire surrounding and all that is happening in it and just absorbs it. He can feel everyones emotions, and doesn't let on that he can feel them until much later when he say to me, "Mom, can I ask you something?..." and out will come a question or two about an incident he witnessed that he had questions about. I am constantly amazed by the way he draws in so much of his surroundings without a word until the time is right for him to speak up.
Josh is definitely my hardest child to figure out because he is so quiet. I never really know what he is thinking. He is just like his father in that way. I find myself wondering what is running through his mind more often than I would like to admit. He is a mystery to me. A wonderful mystery.

Joshua is also a very, very talented athlete. He has a natural ability to play sports unlike most kids I have seen play. He is especially
good at soccer, and I LOVE watching him play. Of all of my children, I would say that he has the greatest chance (albeit small) of becoming a professional athlete. He lives, breathes, sleeps, eats sports. He does not discriminate against any of them. In fact, the more diverse for him the better. He eats sports up.

Joshua is a sensitive boy as well. He does not like to make mistakes and becomes easily frustrated with himself. He is in some respects a perfectionist. He loves school, and has a "posse" of friends who are all good kids, and I am glad that he has these friends.