Thankful

My kitchen table is cluttered with homeschooling textbooks. There are a pair of scissors, ruler, scrap paper, notebooks, water bottles, and assignments scattered about as well. The sun is shining brightly through the kitchen windows warming our bodies despite the temperatures being sub zero all day long.

Josh is home from school; the district deemed it too cold to attend today. I am happy to have him here working on his own assignments while the other three kids work on theirs. As I watch them work I cannot help but whisper a silent pray of thanks. I am so thankful that I have been able to homeschool the kids these past 6 years.

A lot has changed this last year with Josh entering the public school system as a high school junior and a lot more is about to change at the end of this school year with Andy graduating along with Sarah going off to public school as a high school freshman this August. Elizabeth will stay home with me and get some much needed one on one attention day after day until she is ready to enter into the public school setting - my goal right now is to get her there by high school, but each child has different needs that don't always correspond to my own wants or needs so, as parents, Bob and I will let time determine when she is ready to enter into the mainstream educational world.

I feel once again like I am straddling two worlds - the homeschooling world and the public school world. Both have immense positive attributes and both can have immense negative attributes as well. I am thankful that I have had the privilege to inhibit both worlds at our family's own choosing. I realize that most people don't have that option, and this makes me immensely grateful that I do.

Thoughts On Life With Limited Electronic Usage

(Photo courtesy of: google.com)

• It has been almost a month without Instagram or Facebook in my life, and while I would definitely say I miss certain aspects of Instagram I do not miss Facebook at all.
•  I feel so much lighter than I have a in a while. I guess I never realize the invisible baggage that came along with being a part of social media. 
• Apple came out with a feature to keep track of a person's weekly average usage for their products. I began using it to help me see how much time I was spending on my phone. In the beginning I was on my phone for a whopping 1 hour and 43 minutes. (Awful, I know.) I have worked my way down to 18 minutes a day. (Last week I had popped up to 25 minutes though, so managing my time will be something I need to constantly be aware of.) My goal is to get down to 15 minutes a day. I use my phone to text, talk, and check my email. That is it. I only check my email once a day. 
• It's funny because now that I have pulled away from Facebook and Instagram I have lost interest in other electronics as well. I am on the computer to look up addresses to mail my letters, to use google-maps to write down directions,  and also to blog - which I don't do with any regularity any more, so you can see how much time I spend on-line. I stopped checking People.com or Usmagazine.com and all of the other websites I would check on-line. I just get on the computer do my business and then get off. No extra time spent perusing this or that. 
• I stopped watching television for the most part as well. A lot of this has to do with the headaches I have been getting with some regularity every time I watch TV. (I went to the eye doctor last winter and my prescription did not change, so it's not my eyes.) I hate getting headaches, so if I have to avoid watching television to not get one I am more than willing to do so. Last night we watched a family movie - we had the audio descriptive feature on so that Sarah could understand what was happening. It was awesome because I was able to do some chores in the kitchen while listening to the movie. I was still able to participate in what the family was doing sans the headache the next day. It was a really cool feature that I will probably utilize for every movie we watch that offers it. It will allow me to watch the movie without really watching it - if that makes sense. 
• I have thought about subscribing to a newspaper to get my news because I used the internet to have a tiny grasp on what was going on in this world, but I haven't subscribed to anything yet. 
• The break has been really nice and refreshing. For some reason, social media is really toxic for me. I wish I was better at being able to manage it, but I am just not.
• I could see myself picking Instagram back up at some point. There are some people that I follow that I find really, really inspirational. I just don't trust myself to go back on quite yet and not pick up all of my old, bad habits. I was thinking about unfollowing everyone, but two or three people in order to avoid the temptation of spending too much time checking everyone else's posts out, but I am not at the point yet. The benefits of being off of Instagram outweigh the cons of missing those inspiring posts. I am sure the pendulum will swing in the other direction at some point though. 
• It's amazing how much more I can get done in a day when I am not on electronics. For a long time I have felt like I could really use a few extra hours in my day when really all I needed was the ability to use the 24 hours given in a better way. 

Home

This weekend I spent part of my time looking over the photos on some of the blogs I wrote while living in New Mexico. I don't generally reread what I have written. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of times I have done so after 7ish years of writing in this space.

New Mexico has been in my dreams lately. Three times in the past week to be exact. In each of the dreams the sun is shining and I have just found out that we are moving back there - for keeps this time. The joy that radiates out of my being upon hearing this news is incredible. I feel whole and happy. I feel like I am finally going Home.

I sometimes feel like New Mexico was all a big dream. That the people I came to love, the homeschooling community, the sun, the mountains, the sky - all of it, really - was just a figment of my imagination. That it was just a beautiful unconscious dream of what heaven will look like for me when I die.

Living away from New Mexico - Las Cruces specifically - is like living with your heart outside of your body. It feels like I am wandering around this country, taking in its beauty with awe and wonder, but always fully aware that my heart is somewhere else. I feel like there is always something missing inside of me. I didn't feel whole before I moved there and I don't feel whole since I have left. That is how I know that Las Cruces is Home to me. It is the one place I have felt complete.

Sometimes I wonder if I am glorifying New Mexico and making it something it really wasn't. I purposefully name all of the things I didn't like about it (and there were a few) to try and convince myself that moving back there isn't going to make me feel whole again. That moving back there isn't going to make me feel Home. But even when I think about all its imperfections I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Las Cruces is my happy place. It is where I belong.

I truly believe that I will someday live there again. I REALLY hope and wish and pray that it is sooner rather than later, but I also know that while  waiting for the opportunity to go Home I need to make the most of the life I am living in the other places that our family has the privilege of resting for a while. I know that there is a reason for each location we are sent to. I want to collect as many stories as I can, so that when I get back to the place I cherish I can gather my friends around and we can share stories of the lives we have led while we were away from each other. I always envision bringing all of the loved ones I carry with me in my heart from the other states we have lived in and showing them my Home, so that they can understand and see for themselves what it is I have been aching for all of this time.  I see myself smiling and happy. I see myself at peace.

I thought in rereading some of those blogs that my words would show me that Las Cruces wore off on me - that I couldn't wait to move - but that isn't what I found at all. 15 months after we moved to Las Cruces I was still in awe and wonder of the place I got to call Home. I wrote about how I was afraid that living in such a perfect place for me would feel like a dream the farther time had removed me from its land. Up until the moment I left to move to Oregon I was writing about how lucky we had been to be able to experience the state's beauty and majesty. I wrote about the immense privilege I felt for having been let in on the secret that there are places in this country that can capture a person's heart so much that when they leave they leave a huge a part of themselves behind and also take a huge part of that place with them.

I think it is fair to say that I loved New Mexico from the moment I arrived and I haven't stopped it loving is since.

"You can feel immense privilege of what you have without it feeling like 'Home'. Home is the holiest word I know."  - Heather B. @beautythatmoves.typepad.com

I Know Exactly What She Meant

A winter storm passed right over us. I almost wanted to laugh out loud at the panic it seemed to induce in our community. The grocery store was overflowing with people yesterday trying to get their groceries before "the storm" arrived.  According to the weather report it was expected to come in the night and bring with it a mixture of snow and rain; each type of precipitation was supposed to flip flop with the other over a 24 hour period causing multiple inches of chaos and havoc outside. No such thing ever happened. The rain did come, but no snow ever followed. All of the panicking was for nothing.  At least people have their groceries, I guess.

When I am buying a week's worth of groceries all at once I happen to do my grocery shopping on Friday's which was the only reason I was out and about. I had a cart filled to the brim with the items on my list and got into line at Aldi's ( if you have never shopped at one and live in the Midwest - you are missing out. It is one of this part of the country's greatest assets). A woman maybe 15-20 years my senior gave me that all knowing look as she got behind me in line, and after declining my offer for her to jump me in line I told her that I was shopping for four (almost) teenage children. She said that she remembered those days clearly when she had been in my place. Her children are all grown now, and have blessed her with five grandchildren. She says that she loves not having children in her home anymore. She loves the freedom that her life allows her now.

To some people, I suppose her statement might seem alarming, but to me? I understood her perfectly. I have loved having my children. They are my biggest blessings. I imagine they always will be. I have given them (and continue to do so) every ounce of my being. I have poured all of myself out, for better and for worse, to be able to be everything that they needed individually from me as a mother.  I would do it all again, gladly, without thinking twice about it. But the time is coming, sooner rather than later, when all four of our kiddos will leave this home to create one of their own. I am excited for them to do so. I cannot wait to see the lives they build of their own making. But I am also so excited for Bobby and me to have a life of our own. To be just like that woman in the grocery store who can pour everything she has into herself and no one else - if she chooses.

I always imagined I would be heartbroken when my children left the proverbial nest, and don't get me wrong, I will be super sad. I'm not really good with transitions and I imagine that I will mourn their leaving this home in a way that I cannot even comprehend yet. Yet as the span of time closes between the far away notion of my kids leaving home and the reality that this is going to happen sooner rather than later, I do not find myself heartbroken. I find myself becoming almost giddy at the endless opportunities for Bobby and I to lead any type of life we imagine.

I envision that my children will be all spread out around this great country of ours. I truly believe that our nomadic lifestyle has been more of a blessing than a burden these last four+ years and has given my kids so much more than it has taken away from them. After seeing so much of our country, they know that there are places that speak to their souls more than others. They also know that they don't have to ever be stuck in one location, unless they want to be. There are so many other options to live any kind of life that they wish to in such vastly different settings. They would have never known that had we not moved around so much. Those far off places would always just be a dream or a story in some book to them. Our choices have made those dreams and stories a reality. Our traveling around is what makes feel completely okay with my children living in spread out locations and not all together. It makes me excited to see where they live and the lives they build in their special places. They will always be my children and I will always be their mother. Our connection will not separate just because of mileage. I will never let that get in the way of having a relationship with them. 

I know that Andy wants to settle out West. That is where he truly feels at home. Bobby and I will split our time between Las Cruces and the Cascade Mountain Range of the Pacific Northwest. I envision us in our motor-home traveling everywhere in between. As for the rest of the kiddos - I just don't know where they will be, but I do know that they will pick the perfect places for them.

I am not sad about growing older and I am not sad about my children leaving home, but I am also not in a rush to have either thing happen either. I am just happy that there is life left to look forward to after this chapter of my life ends. For now, I am content. That is a great place to be.

Snow Day Fun - Just Them

The four kids went out to enjoy the snow together yesterday as I stood at the doorway and took over 75 pictures of them. As time goes on, and they get older, their lives are pulling them in different directions. They do not spend as much time together as they used to. I know that this pull is only going to increase as the days go by and I want to make sure that I pause in my life and take note whenever the chance does arise for them all to be together enjoying each other's company.

Sometimes I second guess some of the choices Bob and I have made for our family. Then days like yesterday are bestowed upon me and I realize that the family that we have is exactly because of the choices we have made. I love the family that the six of us make up. What Bob and I set out to accomplish when we first became parents is exactly what we have built. Hard choices and all, and I wouldn't change who we are for anything in this world.

First Snow

I woke up this morning to several inches of freshly fallen snow. I knew a storm was coming as it has been the talk of the town the last few days. Snow doesn't fall regularly in these parts and when it does it is usually only a dusting. The 5-7 inches we are projected to get through the duration of this storm is not the norm here, and the atmosphere was a bit like a blizzard was approaching.

There is something magical about the first good snow of the season. As a semi-early riser seeing the neighborhood covered in a layer of white fluff untainted by cars and people yet is a thing of beauty. Watching the snowflakes fall with varying degrees of intensity over the last few hours has been serene. This morning I watched the flakes make their journeys to their final destinations on the ground below with the wonder of a child.

There are things that you know that you miss about certain parts of the country when you are nomadic like our family is. In the winter time, for us, we have missed having good and frequent snow storms. Luckily for us we were able to have one really good snow storm while living in both New Mexico and Oregon, but since moving away from Ohio we just haven't been exposed to the traditional winters we have all grown to expect the months of November - March to look like. Which is what makes these infrequent visits of snow all the more special to us.

The girls are making their breakfast right now, and are preparing to spend all afternoon in the snow. Thankfully, we have snow gear organized in a bin in our hall closet still. It will be neat to see who has outgrown what since the last time that protective layer of cloth was donned. I imagine Lily will join the girls as she loves playing in the snow, and we all cannot help thinking about our beloved Sammy who loved, loved, loved playing in the snow.

The snow is expected to fall all through the day and into the evening. I imagine I will spend the day doing household chores and taking moments to stop, sit down, and really enjoy the beauty of the snow as it descends from the sky. This snow storm is such a gift.

Not At All What I Had Expected

It is 50ish degrees outside. The sun is shining and the sun rise this morning was gorgeous. I have a window cracked in the living room and can hear the birds chirping as the wind blows through the branches of the bare tree limbs. I can smell the scent of spring in the air, and although I know that I am many months out from that actual season, I find myself becoming intoxicated with its temporary loveliness.

The temperature is supposed to drop all day long. Tomorrow the high is forecast to be around 30. The wind that is slowly picking up outside will take with it the warm temperature and possibly the sun, but I am okay with this because I had the unexpected gift of this morning's weather.

I never thought that in the month of January the Midwest would bestow upon me both the sun and spring-like temperatures. The weather here surprises me. It never seems to do what I think it will, and I find myself pleasantly surprised more often than I am disappointed.

This morning I put on my jogging clothes and ran around our neighborhood keeping my eyes towards the cloud streaked sky as the sun came into view large and reddish orange. The neighborhood obscures most of the morning skyline, but this morning for reasons I am not quite sure I understand, it was almost perfectly visible.

As I drove Sarah and Josh to the high school  I drove by the same cornfields and farms I always do, and found myself amazed that I get to live in place such as this. I am thankful that we did not choose to live in the fancier part of Indianapolis up north, but instead choose to live in the more humble parts of the city's southern outskirts. The farms within five minutes of our home always make deeply grateful for this place. I find myself giving a prayer of thanks for the privilege of getting to witness their seasonal beauty.

Living here is not at all what I had expected. There is a simple beauty in this landscape that I find to be so healing. It is not the grand nature that I have been exposed to for the past four years living out west, but it is beautiful in its own right. I am finding that there are always blessings to be found - no matter where I am - if only I am willing to receive them with an open heart.