I feel like the quote above is very symbolic of where I am at right now. I feel like I have been running from myself for a long time. To stand still in the quiet is immensely painful for me right now. It has been for a while. A part of me yearns for the routine of a comfortable life. The other part of me wants to run from it all.
I seem to struggle a lot where no struggle is necessary. I learn everything the hard way. I exhaust myself. I just want to shake myself and scream because I can be so difficult. My life doesn't need to be so hard. Why do I make it this way? Why do I make what should be simple so darn complex? I am tired of the back and forth between so many pieces of my life: do I believe this or that? Do I want to do this or that? I just want to be still. Can I learn to be still? Is that even a possibility for someone like me?
I deactivated my Facebook page a few days ago. I did it out of the blue because I knew that I needed to save myself and I had to begin by removing myself from electronics as quickly as possible. I have been here before - many times I am afraid to say. I have been thinking about deleting my account altogether, but I hesitate to do so because I keep in touch with a lot of people I otherwise wouldn't through Facebook. Not being connected makes me feel afraid. Like life is going to leave me in the dust. I wonder though how much of my life I will actually get back if I deleted my account? I spend so much time "just checking" Facebook that it takes away from my real life. I spend so much time looking at the glossy images of the best that other people's lives have to offer that I forget to live mine. Plus, I am really sick of the Facebook ads that pop up on my screen and the junk that has seemed to creep in over time.
The truth is I have been really struggling with "doing life". I was talking to Bob not too long ago about how the simplest tasks such as making a meal for my family, or deciding what to do on any particular day, or even just getting out of bed in the morning cripple me with anxiety. I feel like I am living with a gray veil over my head. It is making me foggy. This veil must have been creeping up on me for a long time because I didn't see it coming. I have just felt the immense weight of it in the last few months as my mental health has deteriorated drastically. I have had bouts of depression before, but I can usually work my way out of them. This time has been different and it seems the more I struggle to get out of this funk the heavier the weight of the veil feels.
I feel guilty for being in such a funk. I feel like I have no right to be depressed. I have a good life with much to be thankful for. What do I have to be depressed about? Depression doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care about wealth, health, happiness. It doesn't just grab hold of those without a lot of goodness in their lives. It doesn't just grab the poor or the meek. It doesn't just grab the pessimists. It can grab hold of us all.
Since talking with Bob I have been really trying to think about what makes me happy. What am I doing/how am I living my life that makes me feel the most at peace? There have been days in my life that have felt just perfect. Not that they were perfect in the sense that everything went exactly as I planned, but they were perfect in that I just felt that my mind, body, and soul were living in unison with my core Truth - even if only for 1 day. I want more of those days.
I crave those days because those days are the kind of days when I feel truly alive. I am not worrying about this or that. I am not thinking about the past or the future. I am living in the moment. Those days are my heaven on earth.
I have just been so preoccupied with the noise and weight of depression that I haven't been able to hear the voice of me calling me back to myself. I just need to listen to the quiet voice within and follow her lead. She has all of the answers I am seeking. She will bring my back to myself.