Sometimes There Are No Answers

An acquaintance that I have known for around 15 years died suddenly and unexpectedly two days ago. She was a year younger than me and left behind two small children ages 2 & 4. Even though it has been years since we have spoken I cannot stop thinking about her and those closest to her who are mourning deeply because of her death.

What I will remember most about this person is her smile. I know that sounds so cliche because it seems like everyone has only glowing things to say about the deceased once they are no longer with us, but with this person it is the honest to God's truth. She smiled a lot and her eyes sparkled when she did so. That will always be my memory of her.

I have always been told that I am an emotional person. I am sensitive - I have been told that my whole life. A lot of the time it was presented to me as a negative attribute. "Oh, don't be so sensitive." or "You are too sensitive. Grow thicker skin." are things that were said to me time and time again. But my sensitivity is a part of me just like the color of my eyes. I cannot change that part about me, nor do I want to, because as I age I see the value of my sensitivity and I cherish it even when the feelings I experience are as intense as they are now.

Because of my sensitivity this woman's death has left me feeling raw. The night I heard about her passing from this world into another I could not fall asleep. I kept thinking about her husband and children. What their lives will be like now without their wife & mother? How do you explain to a 2 year old that her mother is no longer among the living? And does a 4 year old understand that concept any better?

I get angry when I think about these things. Angry that there situations in life where there are no answers. Or the answers there are aren't just or fair. I want an answer and a solution to every problem and injustice that I come across. And when there are none I feel lost and unsure and I question a God that doesn't use his powers to heal all those who are afflicted with disease, sickness, poverty, war, famine, etc...

I wonder what wisdom this woman could  impart on us now that she is gone from this world into another. What are the things that she wishes she could do over, or do more of, or not do at all?

Her death is a jolt to my system as I find myself once again living my life autopilot. Shame on me. Who is to say that it won't be me tomorrow or next year or in five years that people will be paying tribute due to an untimely death?

What are the things that I will have wished that I had done differently? Will I have lived a meaningful life? Will I have been the best mother I could have been? The best wife? The best daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter, cousin, friend?

What things am I doing now that when I pass on will seem like such bullshit things? What are things that I am doing in my life that just don't matter? And why am I still doing them?

Here I am with the gift of life. I get to hug my children still. I get to watch them grow. I get to walk this life beside my husband. What would this woman give to be able to do these same things? My heart breaks thinking about such things.

Death is reminder to the living to stop living in a bullshit way.

Just stop it. Stop doing things you don't love. Stop trying have bigger and better material possessions. Stop arguing with loved ones over petty things. Stop living with a hardened heart.

Start doing the things you do love. Start nourishing the relationships that mean the most to you. Travel if you want to. Stay put it you want to. Take risks. Do scary things. Do hard things. Be brave - and bravery looks different to everyone.

Live a meaningful life. And I don't mean a meaningful life based on others values, assumptions, and ideas. I am talking about a meaningful life based on your own values, assumptions, and ideas. A live that is uniquely and authentically yours.

THIS is the gift that we can give the dead. To our lives with purpose. To stop doing shit that doesn't matter. To take stock on our lives and get rid of what isn't working no matter what changes come about because of that.

Life fleeting. Life is not guaranteed. Life can take be taken swiftly and without warning.

So, let's stop living as if we have infinite tomorrows. Because I can think of one woman who would give just about anything to have the gift of life that we have.